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Help me not feel like an ass.
ins0mniac
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So my girlfriend and i just broke up. We'd been together for about a year and a half.. And i feel like an asshole.
First off, i'm 22, she's 25. I just moved out of my moms house about 8 months ago. She's been married, lived overseas for 5 years, and has a 3 year old son. We work together at the same restaurant. What initially started off as a booty call eventually led to real feelings. Feelings that are still present.
The problem with our relationship is that we are in two different places right now. I'm just learning how to live on my own and develop the kind of life that I want to live. She's ready for a family. Not like having more kids or anything, but a more... Consistent type of relationship and commitment that I'm not ready to provide yet.
She goes to school, works full time, and takes care of her WONDERFUL 3 year old son pretty much by herself.
I've had the privilege of being a part of his life and grown to love him very very much. But, dating someone older than me (not just a number, in terms of life experiences) with a child presents certain issues. Her son is her first priority, as it should be. I've never once asked her to compromise when it comes to that. But in general, our relationship consists of staying at her house and not really doing anything. She can't come to my apartment and hang out, or really go out more than once a month due to school or work or inability to find a babysitter. Her mother or my sisters have in the past, but she doesn't like the feeling of "pawning" him off on others. She takes a lot of pride in being a mother, and I admire so much about her for that. I know she would make a great mother for the children I will eventually have some day.
Physically, we connect very well, and in general have great sex. Emotionally, we are pretty in tune with each other. But in terms of maturity... I'm a young 22 and she's and old 25. Everything new to me is old news for her. She understands a lot of it, like finding myself and my independence, but still doesn't necessarily like it. And its a reoccurring issue for us. We both understand that its going to be a while before I can commit the way that she wants so she doesn't feel "unfufilled". Her immediate family has undergone some severe changes in the past year, all resulting from the rather sudden passing of her father to ALS. So that's thrown her for a loop, and feels she needs to rectify that somehow.
I feel really guilty that I cant give her what she wants. I know that I could, but at the expense of being able to really experience life on my own. It has nothing to do with the desire to be single, I wish more than anything that I could experience it all with her. But in her own words "I can't go back and live your life with you". And I reply "so I should just jump ahead and live in yours?"
My issues with our relationship have really been bugging me lately. I don't have a typical girlfriend that I get to go out and enjoy things with. It's a very contained and controlled type of relationship. We don't get to be spontaneous, don't get to just do NOTHING for an evening, and it just kinda sucks. I see the relationships that my roomates have with their girlfriends and it makes me wish I could have that with her. But I cant
So in summation, I love this girl very much, but we are in two different places in life that often causes problems.
And I feel like an asshole for ending the relationship, even though we both agree its probably the most logical thing to do, as she's no closer to having the family she wants by waiting around for me to be ready. We are just both really hurting right now because there are still a lot of feelings that we have for each other.
I would just really like an outside, objective perspective. My family and friends all agree with the decision that r made that its for the best, but it doesn't make it any easier...
First off, i'm 22, she's 25. I just moved out of my moms house about 8 months ago. She's been married, lived overseas for 5 years, and has a 3 year old son. We work together at the same restaurant. What initially started off as a booty call eventually led to real feelings. Feelings that are still present.
The problem with our relationship is that we are in two different places right now. I'm just learning how to live on my own and develop the kind of life that I want to live. She's ready for a family. Not like having more kids or anything, but a more... Consistent type of relationship and commitment that I'm not ready to provide yet.
She goes to school, works full time, and takes care of her WONDERFUL 3 year old son pretty much by herself.
I've had the privilege of being a part of his life and grown to love him very very much. But, dating someone older than me (not just a number, in terms of life experiences) with a child presents certain issues. Her son is her first priority, as it should be. I've never once asked her to compromise when it comes to that. But in general, our relationship consists of staying at her house and not really doing anything. She can't come to my apartment and hang out, or really go out more than once a month due to school or work or inability to find a babysitter. Her mother or my sisters have in the past, but she doesn't like the feeling of "pawning" him off on others. She takes a lot of pride in being a mother, and I admire so much about her for that. I know she would make a great mother for the children I will eventually have some day.
Physically, we connect very well, and in general have great sex. Emotionally, we are pretty in tune with each other. But in terms of maturity... I'm a young 22 and she's and old 25. Everything new to me is old news for her. She understands a lot of it, like finding myself and my independence, but still doesn't necessarily like it. And its a reoccurring issue for us. We both understand that its going to be a while before I can commit the way that she wants so she doesn't feel "unfufilled". Her immediate family has undergone some severe changes in the past year, all resulting from the rather sudden passing of her father to ALS. So that's thrown her for a loop, and feels she needs to rectify that somehow.
I feel really guilty that I cant give her what she wants. I know that I could, but at the expense of being able to really experience life on my own. It has nothing to do with the desire to be single, I wish more than anything that I could experience it all with her. But in her own words "I can't go back and live your life with you". And I reply "so I should just jump ahead and live in yours?"
My issues with our relationship have really been bugging me lately. I don't have a typical girlfriend that I get to go out and enjoy things with. It's a very contained and controlled type of relationship. We don't get to be spontaneous, don't get to just do NOTHING for an evening, and it just kinda sucks. I see the relationships that my roomates have with their girlfriends and it makes me wish I could have that with her. But I cant
So in summation, I love this girl very much, but we are in two different places in life that often causes problems.
And I feel like an asshole for ending the relationship, even though we both agree its probably the most logical thing to do, as she's no closer to having the family she wants by waiting around for me to be ready. We are just both really hurting right now because there are still a lot of feelings that we have for each other.
I would just really like an outside, objective perspective. My family and friends all agree with the decision that r made that its for the best, but it doesn't make it any easier...
X-Box Live Gamertag: Merciless319
ins0mniac on
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You'll either end up alienating her because you want all of those growing up experiences, or developing resentment that you didn't get to do those growing up things.
Sorry duder
And aside from her son, I'm one of the few things she gets to really enjoy. And I feel like I'm taking that away from her for somewhat selfish reasons. As she said, I gain a lot by breaking up, and she's only left with less. However, I lose out on two people that I love, not just one. And I feel incredibly guilty that I'm probably not going to be a presence in her sons life anymore. I only saw him once a week for the past 6+ months now, but even so. His dad lives overseas and has for the entirety of his life, however will be moving to the states in May to a house about an hour away.
So theoretically he should help relieve her of some of the stress of Childcare, but nonetheless, there are still the other issues present.
She'll survive, so will her son. Get on with your life.
I just don't like the thought of "abandoning" them. We ended things amicably, saying we will still be friends and everything. I mean, we work together and she will probably still be my sisters bridesmaid for her wedding. There are no ill feelings towards each other, which would make things easier if she just hated me, or vice versa.
To be honest, it really isn't your job to white knight for her.
It's also not your job to raise her kid that you see maybe once a week.
Also, she shouldn't be using you as an outlet for her stress much less anyone else. She needs to find a healthy way of dealing with it that doesn't involve taking it out on others, whatever that may be.
So you'd be more comfortable sacrificing your desire for youthful shenanigans and awesome life experiences to sit on her couch just so she can be slightly less stressed out?
She made it work before you, she'll make it work after you go.
And then when they inevitably break up down the road it's a disaster and not the amicable break up they're having now.
Usagi is spot on, she'll be fine.
And what I feel MOST guilty about is that I know I'll be fine. There is a larger part of me that is somewhat relieved and know this is better for me, than there is a part that still wants to be with her. So I know this is right but still. I know she loves me very much, and I kinda feel like I'm just saying "nah I'm good I'm gonna go play mario with my roommates instead".
Get over it
It'll probably take a while, but eventually you'll realize that this was the right decision for both of you
Kid, and yes you are a kid still, don't worry about it. She's a grown ass woman who made the decision to get married and have a baby and it's not your problem.
You did the best thing for not only yourself, but also them.
Steam | Live
It's like having a limb with gangrene, the longer you drag it out, the worse it's going to be. You know what you have to do. Do it sooner rather than later.
It's rough right now, but I know it will get better. We've talked a few times and seemed to be pretty ok with each other, its just that for both of us we have to "shut off" a rather large portion of our lives that has been pretty routine for almost 2 years.
She is now in the "looking back" phase, where she is noting mistakes, both of ours, and saying she was "doing alot of analyzing of her behavior, and may have figured something out", and wanted me to come over after I got out of work. And I know that this guilt I'm feeling right now would make me say "ok lets try again" when I know that I don't really want to because we're just going to end up in the same place, or even worse.
I told her that I had homework to do, (which is completely true) and that I think it's best that we take our space for right now. Let the sting lessen a little bit. I don't think she wanted to hear that, but I think that's the stance I need to take? I don't know.
Anyway.
Thanks for the advice everyone.
Dodged a bullet.
Words of caution though: the heart wants what the heart wants.
You may end up 'rubberbanding' the relationship. Meaning you go back and forth until it sticks or it snaps. Both of you guys are young and not as experienced as you might think (referring to her). You are breaking up not because you are over each other, but rather some inconveniences of the relationship. So this means the longing and the desires are still there, you are forcing yourself to hide those feelings, which isn't really healthy.
Look, she choose to be with you as much as you choose to be with her. She has to accept you and your lifestyle as much as you accept hers. Does that mean you don't do couple things because of her son? Yep, but guess what: married people with kids do that all the time. Does it mean you miss out on experiences? Depends on how you look at it and what you think makes a relationship work. Communication and trust are the key factors. As long as the love is there and you talk and make compromises both ways, things will work out.
Keep in mind too that she is still finding out who she is. Just because she's been through some shit, doesn't mean she'll be the same person in 10 years that she is now. You, on the other hand, probably won't change too much. There's a reason for the saying 'Women marry thinking they'll change the man, and men marry thinking the woman will never change'. Men rarely change, and women certainly do.
I hate to say it, but I don't think you've found what YOU need to really break up. Don't play mind games with her or yourself. While in the long run it might be for the best, if you force it off, you will forever look back and curse yourself for letting her go without really knowing why you did because your perspective changed.
I feel odd going against the grain, but I have loved and lost many times over the years, and your current situation isn't exactly unique. I really just want you to look at the situation with another point of view. Don't do anything you aren't comfortable with, and in the end, go with your gut.
I did the same thing last year - while my ex was neither married nor had a child, she was (i) 5 years older than me and (ii) was my supervisor in my previous department (before we started dating). She was just on the cusp of turning 30, and I was about to turn 25. While she was wonderful, intelligent and driven, she told me she loved me 3 months into the relationship, and I felt that velvet cage slam down with an abrupt crash.
Then I started thinking.
What if I wanted kids? Well I'd be 32 or so by then, and she'd be 37.... and so forth. This made me realise that no matter how much you might like the girl, some people are - inescapably - at different points in their lives.
So we've established you did the right thing. How do we ease the guilt of being the dumper?
Exercise. Hang out with your lad friends. Do each and every single growing up experience you want (and indeed need) to do. Realise that you had reasons, and those reasons were good ones. Live your life man, and while you should always appreciate what you had - don't ever let it stop from looking ahead.
The future's yours for the taking.
Good luck mate!
- Kat