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Abortion help
Kraut
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
The Situation:
I am an Australian dude and met an Indonesian girl studying here. We became friends (as in, just friends. Nothing more than that). She eventually moved back to Indonesia and then a little less than two months ago I got the opportunity to travel there and naturally decided to meet up with her there.
Stupid inc: During this holiday one thing led to another and we ended up having spontaneous unplanned unprotected sex. I'm aware how stupid this was. But she tells me a few days later that she had her period, and I breathe a sigh of relief.
Then yesterday she told me she was lying because she didn't know how I'd react. She's now a bit less than two months pregnant with no really visible signs yet.
Now, here's the complicated part. She believes abortion is murder and is morally against it. She has done the procedure once, just last year, out of necessity (from another guy) and she couldn't bear the guilt and sorrow from that. She said recently she won't able to live with herself if she does it again, but then implied today that she'd consider it ONLY if there's basically no chance she'd go barren from it.
Even if such a procedure existed, she certainly can't get it in Indonesia (it's illegal). She can't come to Australia because it would require a Visa with the endorsement of her father and employer, which would lead to all kinds of questions. I've tried to look in the Southeast Asia region for options but only really came up with Singapore which restricts the procedure to Singaporean citizens only.
I've only turned 24 recently. She hasn't even turned 25 yet. I haven't even finished my undergraduate study and there's just no way I can drop my life in Australia to go live in Indonesia and raise a child. And I'm starting to feel like the worst kind of monster to do this to someone.
How can I live with myself if
a) she goes through raising a child with just herself and her family
or
b) she somehow finds some abortion procedure somewhere (which I'm running out of hope I can find) where she can actually go, and then becomes barren and can never realise her most cherished dream of having children?
The only alternative is c, that I end my life, my dreams, my job, my family, everything to fix a stupid mistake of two young fools.
What the hell can I do?
tldr version:
* I am an Australian citizen. I live in Australia. I am there now.
* I knocked up an Indonesian citizen. She lives in Indonesia. She is there now.
* ohgodhowdoweabortthissafely
I am an Australian dude and met an Indonesian girl studying here. We became friends (as in, just friends. Nothing more than that). She eventually moved back to Indonesia and then a little less than two months ago I got the opportunity to travel there and naturally decided to meet up with her there.
Stupid inc: During this holiday one thing led to another and we ended up having spontaneous unplanned unprotected sex. I'm aware how stupid this was. But she tells me a few days later that she had her period, and I breathe a sigh of relief.
Then yesterday she told me she was lying because she didn't know how I'd react. She's now a bit less than two months pregnant with no really visible signs yet.
Now, here's the complicated part. She believes abortion is murder and is morally against it. She has done the procedure once, just last year, out of necessity (from another guy) and she couldn't bear the guilt and sorrow from that. She said recently she won't able to live with herself if she does it again, but then implied today that she'd consider it ONLY if there's basically no chance she'd go barren from it.
Even if such a procedure existed, she certainly can't get it in Indonesia (it's illegal). She can't come to Australia because it would require a Visa with the endorsement of her father and employer, which would lead to all kinds of questions. I've tried to look in the Southeast Asia region for options but only really came up with Singapore which restricts the procedure to Singaporean citizens only.
I've only turned 24 recently. She hasn't even turned 25 yet. I haven't even finished my undergraduate study and there's just no way I can drop my life in Australia to go live in Indonesia and raise a child. And I'm starting to feel like the worst kind of monster to do this to someone.
How can I live with myself if
a) she goes through raising a child with just herself and her family
or
b) she somehow finds some abortion procedure somewhere (which I'm running out of hope I can find) where she can actually go, and then becomes barren and can never realise her most cherished dream of having children?
The only alternative is c, that I end my life, my dreams, my job, my family, everything to fix a stupid mistake of two young fools.
What the hell can I do?
tldr version:
* I am an Australian citizen. I live in Australia. I am there now.
* I knocked up an Indonesian citizen. She lives in Indonesia. She is there now.
* ohgodhowdoweabortthissafely
Kraut on
0
Posts
Have you guys considered adoption? (note: I don't even know if that's a "thing" in Indonesia =/ )
Have you looked into what legal options are available for her in Australia considering how she is the father of your child? Would she consider moving there and eventually obtaining citizenship? Would the child have Aussie citizenship automatically?
Have you considered letting her keep the baby but providing child support in the form of money and, occasionally, visits? (I have no idea how things work in Australia but that's the norm in the U.S. between a couple that has a child but isn't married and doesn't want to be in a relationship with each other) In my opinion, doing so is not the same as "letting her raise it with just her and her family"... you are still there to support her and the child.
Your biggest mistake right now (besides not using protection, obvi) is thinking that this just HAS to end your life, your dreams, etc. It doesn't. There are many other options besides the ones you listed.
http://www.immi.gov.au/visitors/medical-treatment/675/eligibility.htm
I second this advice...
Also if you are going to get a visa and fly her out of the country do it fast, because generally abortions are more difficult and expensive the longer you wait (though I don't know if Australia has specific laws about this or waiting periods, etc, like we see in the US)
Also, you'll probably want to get a lawyer. Seriously.
PS - This is definitely not the end of the world. Stay in communication and under no circumstances should you assume that the child is actually yours. Do not make any promises with regards to support or future plans until you can clear up the issue of parentage.
The only thing you can decide (assuming paternity test comes back yours) is how involved you want to be as a parent, if at all, if she decides to keep it. The decision to have or not have an abortion MUST come from her. Don't be that guy. Don't pressure her.
This needs to be her decision. You can (and ideally should) be there to help her find information, help her access advice or values clarification, and help her access providers if she decides that is what she wants. However, you can't make this decision for her and you shouldn't try. Having said that, there are international aid organizations that will help women get access to medication abortions in countries where it is illegal, but only through 9 weeks, so you might try to find her some non-judgemental values clarification ASAP so that she can make an informed decision while all of her options are still open.
On a second, related note, if she does decide to continue the pregnancy, having a child does not magically end your life. You guys can raise a child together (ie both as parents) even at a distance and not in a relationship. People finish school, chase dream jobs, and enjoy good relationships with their family even after having children in less than ideal circumstances.
I also don't know if adoption is a "thing" in Indonesia, but it may be something to consider since it sounds like she is against abortion but isn't interested in raising a child either.
- She might be lying about the pregnancy altogether (in which case I should wait another three months to call her bluff. The problem with this is of course that makes it too late for safe abortion if its true which I really do think it is). She told me to hold off on seeking legal advice, or doing anything really, at this point.
- She might be lying about it being MY baby. There's no way to really prove that until it's born. However, I have known this girl for a while as a friend and I'm inclined to believe her when she says she hasn't been involved with anyone else. However, the woman on the hotline told me I have to wary about this and my logic agrees with her.
- She might be using me to try and obtain Australian citizenship. That's what it appears, and I know why from an outside perspective this situation looks like one of those classic con stories. The woman on the hotline asked me if I'd ever met her family or visited her house. Truthfully I haven't, but I have seen her house via skype video, driven in her car (she has her own Mercedes so she's hardly poor) and I'm also friends with a few other friends of hers who live in Australia (some of who are Australian).
Additionally she's said she wants nothing from me. No money, no obligation. However, she's unstable and unpredictable and what she says one day changes the next. Last night she offered to sign legal papers absolving me from any responsibility, but today she's demanding I be there for her and offer emotional support (despite my "support" being someone for her to abuse and tell how much she hates me).
- She (the hotline woman) pointed out the dangers of abortion and told me under no circumstances should I be too directly involved in assisting with that (in the form of organising visas or travelling) as that could land me into all kinds of other trouble. I still think I should be trying to help her find options, of course, and will. The problem is it's really hard and dangerous to do that kind of thing in Indonesia. It could land her in jail if busted. She told me recently that she found out about some massage abortion technique that she wanted to look into. I told her I'd look into it.
She (the hotline woman) recommended I take a break from her, tell her to get back to me in three months with an ultrasound proving her pregnancy, and to just turn off my phone after that. I've done that but I told her I wasn't just cutting her loose, that I needed some time to think and get my shit together and approach this logically. On the other hand I realise time is very much of the essence and I can't afford to take too long if we still want options open.
I feel terrible about turning my phone off, but I can't think straight when she's keeping me up all night and stressing me to the point where I had to take the day off work and see a doctor, and I think one of us needs to be thinking straight.
Yes, she is conflicted and even said so that one day she'll say one thing and say another thing the next. That's part of why she's so unstable.
She's a muslim, but to me she's never seemed like a serious one. I've never seen her wear a veil or anything and she dresses like Western women. She appreciates jokes about religion and even reads atheist books like The God Delusion out of curiosity.
I completely accept that it's 100% her decision to abort or not and would never try to force her (however, I do strongly, strongly tell her to think things through). The problem is that she believes it's killing a baby and I don't, and that's the kind of argument that's pointless to even begin. I'll never be able to convince her that abortion isn't murder and I don't intend to try.
I have suggested adoption and she's against it because she wants to raise it. She's very much into the idea of raising children. Unfortunately, I'm very much against it (yes, I should have thought of that before not using a condom. I'm a fucking idiot). I really honestly don't want anything to do with raising a child. It might sound cowardly but the thought makes me sick to my stomach.
Quite possibly, but it requires certain documentation regarding finances that I believe her employer and possibly father (who I should mention is a frankly scary serious muslim) would have to provide. If he found out about this (and he will soon enough, I guess), the entire situation would get a lot more complicated, fast.
Fishy things smell fishy. Follow up on them. If that insults her? Who fucking cares. You have rights to these answers.
Also, having a kid doesn't have to ruin your life. Start thinking about what you'd be comfortable with in terms of how involved you are with this potential child.
I'm confused. She had an abortion once last year but is now unable to find a place to have one done and it's illegal in Indonesia?
Did the law change in the past 12 months or what's the deal here
Either way: DONT HELP HER GET AN ABORTION.
It would be completely illegal. She would have to get the medical visa I posted earlier.
If you want proof that the girl is pregnant, why not ask for an ultrasound now, why wait for 3 months? Waiting that long eliminates the option that you are hoping for.
I really don't know the laws in your part of the world, but if Australia has a medical visa why would it be dangerous for you to help her get it?
The girl sounds scared, panicky and seriously unsure of how she feels. Do you know if she has contacted the indonesian branch of planned parenthood? I know the US and Canadian ones have trained people that can do values clarification over the phone and that might help her feel more comfortable and more confidant with whatever decision she makes.
Abortion is illegal in Indonesia, so there would be no local equivalent of Planned Parenthood. This is the cause of the pickle that these two people are currently in. She is afraid to go to a backstreet abortionist because of the risk.
Perhaps she could call the Australian equivalent of Planned Parenthood (what is it?) and get advice on medical visas.
That is incorrect. There is an Indonesian branch of Planned Parenthood, they do a lot more than just abortions everywhere that they exist and therefore they are still useful and still exist in places where abortion is illegal.
http://www.ippf.org/en/Where/id.htm
There's only one family planning hotline in Aus, and its government funded, so it should be impartial, but our conservative party pulled some backroom funding shenanigans that mean its almost entirely staffed by religious groups at present. If that's the line the OP called, there's a good chance he was indeed lied to.
OP, just FYI a safe, legal abortion in a developed-world medical system is actually several orders of magnitude safer than continuing the pregnancy. In Indonesia, its lucky she didn't die from a perforated uterus the first time around
The medical visa posted earlier may get her into the country, provided she can demonstrate she has the money. However, I'm not sure if foreign nationals can actually get abortions here. Possibly in Victoria, maybe in New South Wales, almost certainly not in Queensland. If she can, it'll be full price, because she's not a citizen and therefore can't make a Medicare claim. You'll need to check your state legislation.
But yeah, do what the people here have said and figure out exactly how much you're really connected to this before you explore further options.
Throughout the call she was "telling me what I want to hear", that she's just a slut who blackmails guys and I shouldn't worry because she'll just find another guy this week and tell him it's his. This is because I said earlier that I was advised anonymously that I couldn't accept what she said as truth. I ignored this and told her if she had any questions concerning the options I gave her she can contact me by email and I'd call her. I also told her I'd continue to look for more options. She wanted to continue abusing me at this point so I hung up and turned off my phone again.
To answer some questions -
The hotline I called earlier was Pregnancy Counselling Australia - http://www.pregnancycounselling.com.au/
They also recommended I call the Men's Line Australia - http://www.menslineaus.org.au/ though I haven't called them yet. I may do so soon.
Regarding her previous abortion, that was done while she was studying here in Australia. She got proper surgery at a real clinic.
It's worth noting that she's now EXTREMELY upset that I questioned the fact the baby is mine. She now insists I called her a blackmailing prostitute and wants me to apologise. In fact, her exact email sent a few minutes ago after I called her:
"i dont want anything. i just wanna hear u say sorry. for calling me prostitute. thats it. and what i do with my life is my own business. i wont ask u to take the responsibily"
The problem is,
- While SHE might not ask me to take responsibility, her father (who scares the shit out of me) sure as hell might have something to say about it. Also, she herself said she changes her mind all the time. So what's to say she won't ask later?
- This girl was my friend. Before all this shit happened, a really good friend who I cared about a lot. I don't want her to fuck up her life (especially on account of something I had a part in causing).
I'm not really sure what to do at this point. I'm just leaving my phone off (though I let her know she can contact me if she has something to say to me that isn't abuse) and I guess the ball is in her park. Is there anything else I could/should do?
- Get checked out for STD's
- Stop contacting her, don't agree to anything and don't give her money.
Of course she's going to be hurt. If she is pregnant and it is yours and she really liked you, this is going to be terrible for her, and to hear you say those things... if it were me, you certainly wouldn't have to worry about future contact, or coming anywhere near a baby of mine. If this is all the case, think about it from her perspective. I really wouldn't say she's abusing you, here. You've decided you don't trust her; perhaps rightly so, or perhaps you let your fear of the situation cloud your previous certainty that she was a nice girl. What's she supposed to do? You had the sex too, this is only about 50% her fault.
You've made it pretty clear that you want nothing to do with a baby or her. Painfully clear. You've given her the information you wanted to give her, and since that's all you're planning to do you should leave her alone, and let her move on.
Sorry, didn't mean to be unclear. To be precise, I met her about late August 2010. We only met in person in Australia a couple of times (friend of a friend), then she moved back to Indonesia and we just chatted online after that and developed what I would describe as a close friend relationship.
What happened with me questioning the baby's paternity was a direct result of me doing what the hotline told me to do because I'm scared and don't know what to do. I don't personally believe someone else is the father (and have told her that).
It's not really that I don't (didn't) want anything to do with her, it's just that a baby at this point is just something I can't cope with. I realise that may sound weak, but I have to be honest here. I don't want kids.
Just to be totally clear: Yes, I am an idiot. I have no goddamn clue what I'm doing and am totally out of my league with dealing with this kind of situation and I'm just doing the best I know how to.
You have made it clear that she does not want an abortion. She is morally opposed and worries about the physical consequences as well. She most likely changes her mind on occasion because she feels overwhelming pressure pushing her towards it. If someone is morally opposed to abortion, you have no right to "convince" them otherwise.
From what I can see, she must feel like an absolute wreck at the moment. First she is pregnant and it is messing with her hormones. Secondly the father of the child has made it painfully obvious that he considers abortion to be the number 1 option where it is the last for her. Thirdly the father has also questioned if he is even the father. Not only does she have to deal with this but she wouldn't even have the support of her family because of her religious father. She is all alone with some very difficult choices to make.
One of my exes (who I still talk to) recently got an abortion when she found out she was pregnant two weeks after the relationship ended. She is against abortion but allowed herself to be pressured into it because she didn't want to 'ruin the father's life'. Now, 3 months later, she is suffering from severe depression. She believes it was one of the biggest mistakes of her life.
You have two choices here, assuming you trust her: never talk to her again, or reopen the lines of communication, apologize for being insensitive, and try to find out what she wants from you. Be up-front about the amount of involvement you want, even if that's none at all. If this is real, you need communicate and turning off your phone and saying "talk to the hand" is not really an acceptable way to deal with it.
Telling him that shutting down the lines of communication is unacceptable, having gotten that advice directly from his only real line of support (recall that he is walking a legal minefield, where inaction is absolutely appropriate and recommended thus far), seems judgmental at best and condescending at worst.
On the other hand, my post does actually contain advice, and yours does not, nor have you given any in this thread. You might want to pick a different high horse on which to ride into these things.
If you want the subtext here (read: advice), then here it is: I don't think that it's as simple as just ignore her completely and move on or go back to her and apologize for x. He should be upfront, as you said, but I don't see anywhere here where he hasn't been (if he has been completely honest with us). He tried the advice he's given, and he's still hitting a brick wall communicating properly with this girl.
I can't imagine that he would be able to just call her up, tell her he understands her concerns Dr. Phil style, and everything will be peaches. Doesn't ring true based on the information thus far.
Step 2: Refuse to man up, and insist your pregnant ladyfriend is a lying, blackmailing slut.
Step 3: ????
Step 4: Abortion!
Wow. Just... wow. The fuck happened up in here, guys?
K, so like step one is done. Congratulations, that was pretty dumb. And yes, some of the stupid things one does can affect the rest of your life. I left my copy of What to Expect While You're the Father of an Love-Child in Indonesia on the plane, but basically, it goes something like this:
Grow a pair. Yes, it's scary, and horrifying and it's traumatic and shit's all blowed up. Fucking breathe, already. All that fear and uncertainty? Ya, that's going on for two people about now. So who are you going to play in the movie of your life? Are you going to be the panicky private who charges in early and bungles everything up, or the guy who takes a while to form an actual plan with an actual strategy while adapting to the situation at hand?
So here's what you'll want to do; apologize for losing your shit. Denial is one of the first five stages, and you hit that shit up with a vengence. Soon you'll hit anger (sounds like you have) then bargaining, then depression, then acceptance. Sound familiar? Ya, its the five stages of loss. Because you just lost your old life.
That guy five days ago? Ya, that guy died. Freak accident, totally preventable, very sad. Now the funny thing about that guy, is that he doesn't really get he's dead yet. He's still screaming in the carfire of his life, trying to hang onto what he had. The thrashing about will continue, until he finally succumbs to the situation, and just gives in.
Fortunately for you, it's not actually your body, it's just an old way of being. Now, you'll have a new way of being. The differences may not be all that much, or maybe the new you will be substantially different. either way, you can't fight change. Well, you can, but you're going to lose. And the interesting thing about taking on that fight any way, is that the more you fight, the worse the position you'll be in when you are finally forced to accept it.
All this bullshit up in the past few pages? You know, where you had some bad news, panicked like a little girl and made everything way, way worse? That's you being in an even worse position by failing to adapt to change appropriately. It's not your fault, you only have the tools you're given, but still. Worse. It's time to stop, drop, and roll, is what I'm getting at here.
So what to do? The first is to take it on faith that your situation is occuring. Yes, indeed, the car is on fire. It's not some psuedo-fire, it's not a trick to get you buy a new car; all that shit is entirely irrelevant. Deal with the here and now. You have: One friend in trouble. One possible life-long obligation. One social role to pick and perform.
And that's it. You don't have to move anywhere, or quit school, or drop everything and start sending cheques, get married, anything. That shit is optional. All kinds of people including yourself will tell you what you should or shouldn't do. It's all just an opinion, and none of it really matters. In the end, you'll get to choose who you want to be. Your reaction is in your hands. It always is.
So after apologizing for being a hurtful dumbass, discuss what you need to do in the next month. 1 month. Are you going to be there for phone calls? Can she talk to you about how goddamn terrifying this whole thing is? What role do you want to play? Its going to be give and take, options explored, and she's going to have her own ideas as well.
I suppose at this time, it's prudent to mention the possibility of fakery. It's not impossible, but it is not very likely. Assume true until proven otherwise. That's the high road. Taking people at face value, especially friends is an important part of being a positive social creature. Yes, there are people out there who will fuck you over and try to scam you, but they are in a very small minority, and the odds say that she is what she says she is. All you have to lose at this moment in time is moral support, and if someone is going through these kinds of unbeleiveable lengths just to get a hug and a shoulder pat, fucking just give them a hug already.
When the month ends, there will be new things for the next month. Doctor's visits, family issues, etc. Take each thing one step at a time, and remember that you always have the power to choose. Because of the distance, you have a lot more power over the situation than she does. Keep that in mind- she has no other alternative than to weather out the situation, while you have all kinds of ways to opt out. Respect that, and try to see it from her point of view.
So- in short. Quit panicking. Different does not mean bad, it just means different. For fucks sake, apologize already. Decide what role you will play for the next four weeks, and stick to that. Clean as you go, deal as it comes. It'll all get much clearer as time goes on. You'll adjust, you'll adapt, and you'll find your life just keeps on ticking. It always does.
Wow I'm having a hard time believing this website.
Is it impossible to locate this girl to have her tested and then have the baby, when/if delivered, tested for paternity? I'd be less than enthused about sending money internationally with something I can't confirm face to face, I'd be skeptical as well. Though all the slut shaming and bashing her are not helpful.
She sounds more crazy panicking than psychotic. Who wouldn't be? She just screwed up her life. She didn't even get pregnant with a local guy who could be made to pay child support - she is utterly dependent on the OP's good will to help her. It also sounds as if she has a very traditional father who might make her life a misery for "being a slut." Panicking like hell in that situation is a response only to be expected, and almost rational. This is not a little mistake. She just made the biggest mistake of her life. You can bet she is yelling and panicking. Let's not judge her for that.
I say the OP has a moral duty to help her out financially with the baby - he should get a DNA test if he is doubtful that he is the father. She might even get thrown out of the house if her parents are as traditional as he says. The OP's life is not ruined. He is not going to suffer shame for being pregnant out of wedlock in a traditional society. He does not risk being kicked out his house. I doubt that he can be made to pay child support unless he wants to, due to being in a different country. He needs to be the cool head, because he is not in such a hellish situation as the mother. His situation is bad but not dire. Hers is dire.
However, the abortion angle still confuses me. I think you are confused to. No, you should not convince her to have an abortion. However if shes had one before, it seems to me that chances are she isnt against them, or even her having one, but more shes scared to do a risky proceedure again. So, perhaps when both of you get your act together and get to talking again instead of her being stupid and taking your "are we sure its mine?" as an insult and cutting off communication, and you stop taking her rashness as an excuse to wash your hands of the situation you can figure out exactly why she doesnt want to have one and go from there.
Beyond that, adoption may be an option too. I personally see no reason a baby should be born and raised into a situation where nobody wants it. But thats something she and you need to figure out.
I dont have advice for confirming its yours, but I do feel thats important. I mean, yes she can be defensive and be all "your calling me a slut!" but you have every right to know for sure its yours. Thats a delicate issue, that maybe you need to hold off on discussing until you just talk to her, are there for her, and help her figure out what shes going to do next.
How did you expect her to react when dropping the not-so-subtle hint that she could be lying about it being your baby or being pregnant? Really - think about it. What was the purpose of bringing that up at all if you believe she's telling the truth?
You've also provided her with a lot of options for how she could have an abortion when while she's conflicted about what to do, she's stated pretty clearly that she doesn't really want to have one for any number of reasons. Have you also provided her with information regarding her options if she choses to keep the baby? Including but not limited to adoption, raising it on her own, raising it with differing levels of support for you?
Have you taken the time to just listen and let her talk this out with you? I don't mean, listening to what she says and trying to respond with a solution or options, but just listening. Echoing Sarcastro's excellent post, it sounds like she's just looking for some moral support right now. Is there any reason you can't or shouldn't give that to her?
Yeah, that was pretty dumb. I was in shock and saying what the hotline told me to say without thinking of how it would make her feel. I've apologised profusely for that.
I have. Actually, what I'm working on now is trying to get her to decide on what option she wants to pursue (that is, abortion or keeping) because at the moment she's only 60-40 in favour of keeping. I told her we'd try and raise that higher so she can feel she's making the right decision in keeping it. She is emphatically opposed to putting the baby up for adoption, however and would prefer to raise it herself.
Then she asks me what I would do if she kept it. It breaks my heart that I have to tell her the truth, that I don't want to be directly or financially involved with raising a child. I know it hurts her so much to hear me say that. Am I wrong for saying as much? Should I be telling her I'll be there with her, that I'll send money (despite the fact I'm a student with a work experience job living with my parents), that I'll be involved somehow?
If she does keep it she wants me to be there (as in physically present) when she gives birth. The main part of that that worries me is that her fundamentalist muslim father will likely try to murder me if he sees me. That's not hyperbole. I'm completely serious when I say the man scares the shit out of me (he also owns a revolver). I've heard enough about him to know he'll want revenge (she even agrees with me on that point), and he's extremely (EXTREMELY) protective of his daughter. With good reason, I suppose, in retrospect.
No reason at all, and I'm now doing so the best I can. We've both calmed down a lot, and we can talk somewhat rationally about things.
Regarding abortion: Safe, clinical abortion is decidedly impossible. The two problems with abortion in Australia is
a) that she'd need to take at least two weeks off her (still new) job, which wouldn't be possible without sacrificing the job. She isn't willing to sacrifice this job.
b) She'd need to prove she has the finances to back the surgery, the cost of living, and the plane ticket(probably in the vicinity of 3-4 grand AUD). Neither of us have that kind of money (we're both poor. Her father is rich by Indonesian standards, but he can't know about this yet) though I am being paid soon which should barely cover that. Doesn't help problem a, though.
She said she's taking some period regulation pills called EM Kapsul. She doesn't expect it to work, but she'll know in about a week. If that doesn't work she's set on trying the massage thing if she decides to go the abortion route.
I've asked her what would (will) happen when her father finds out. Her father is traditionalist, but he's also extremely protective of her and she says he would help her raise it. It's out of the question that she'd be thrown out, her father loves her too fiercely for that. It's more likely he'd find her a quick arranged husband to be the replacement father for it.
I have indeed apologised for being a hurtful dumbass. In those exact words, actually, and in many others. I have told her I'm here always for her phone calls and for emotional support.
What I need to know is if I'm a terrible person if I refuse to offer financial or upbringing support of any kind. I have trouble paying the upkeep of my car and studies, let alone child support. I suppose this is where I need to seek legal advice if things continue. The moral duty is what's tearing me up inside.
The other problem is my own parents. They're fairly fundamentalist catholics themselves (I'm atheist) and they would flip their shit if they found out about this. Is it even possible to keep this a secret from them forever?
What's clear to me is that I need professional help. What kind of professional should I be looking for, a psychologist? Psychiatrist? Or some other kind of counsellor? Can anyone recommend me someone I can talk to as some kind of lifeline? I feel like I'm all alone and desperately need someone in person I can talk to about this.