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Girlfriend says she has memory loss?
ArtificialColoring
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Hello, I've been having an issue with my girlfriend lately that hopefully you guys will be able to help me with.
Just for context and clarity me and my girlfriend are both juniors in high school, she is 17 and I am 16. We have been dating for just shy of two years, beginning the summer between our freshman and sophomore year. We've dated for so long not because of any romantic delusions about the significance of our relationship but because there has simply been no reason to break up. We enjoy eachother's company and by now she has also become one of my best friends.
So moving on, yesterday my girlfriend informed me that when she got home from school last Thursday she could not remember where she had been for the past hour or so and that she was very upset about it. She says she last remembers exiting her after school GSA meeting at around 3:15 and then she remembers walking in to her house at 4:30 and immediately realizing that she could not remember where she had been. She said she waited so long to tell me because she was hoping she would remember.
This is upsetting for several reasons. The first is that she had no ride home and was planning to either grab a ride from someone at the school or call her grandma to pick her up. She says that she certainly did not call her and that her grandma did not pick her up. Her house is within walking distance but it was rather cold outside (not intolerable though, we live near Chicago) and it is unlikely she would have walked home.
Second is the amount of time she can't remember, her house is less than a five minute drive from the school and even if she had walked home it would have taken no where near over an hour.
When she told me this I told her she should tell her parents as it sounded like a fairly serious issue to me. She responded by saying that her parents would only dismiss her and not take any action. I still insisted that she should talk to someone about this and she began to get very defensive, claiming that she didn't want to make it a big deal or let it affect her life.
In addition she explained that her principle concern was that she felt like she might have "done something bad" that she can't remember. When I inquired as to what sort of thing she said she didn't know.
All this seemed incredibly strange to me and I began to feel dubious of the truth of her story due to her attempts to get me to talk about something else. It seemed like she was hiding something and my (probably paranoid and over jealous) mind went immediately to infidelity. I thought that maybe she had cheated on me and this elaborate story was some sort of manifestation of her guilt or a panicked cover up.
So today I confronted her about he memory loss issue again and continued to insist that she talk to her parents to perhaps see a doctor or something. She again got very defensive and said she didn't want to talk about it. I thought that maybe she was avoiding discussing the issue with anyone else because it hadn't actually happened. I thought it better to voice my suspicions and have them dismissed or confirmed than let them bottle up so I asked her if she was telling me everything (I tried to do it in the most gentle and least accusatory manner possible). She claimed she was and got mad at me for distrusting her.
Later she texted me apologizing for "being all emotional" and that I said it was okay, just that I was getting vibes that she wasn't telling me the complete truth. She revealed that although she had told me she dealt with anorexia in the past she hadn't told me it came back at times and she mentioned "psychotic breakdowns" which she had mentioned to me before and said that she had a hard time talking about her mental issues. I apologized for accusing her of lying and told her I just wanted to help and support her.
So that's the deal. I guess my questions are: What is the probable medical deal with this memory loss? Could it be tied to her existing issues with anorexia? Is it serious? Should I continue to advise her to see a doctor?
Now I think I was being a bit paranoid in thinking she was deceiving me before but does that seem to be the case?
Should I just leave her alone about it?
What the hell should I do?
Just for context and clarity me and my girlfriend are both juniors in high school, she is 17 and I am 16. We have been dating for just shy of two years, beginning the summer between our freshman and sophomore year. We've dated for so long not because of any romantic delusions about the significance of our relationship but because there has simply been no reason to break up. We enjoy eachother's company and by now she has also become one of my best friends.
So moving on, yesterday my girlfriend informed me that when she got home from school last Thursday she could not remember where she had been for the past hour or so and that she was very upset about it. She says she last remembers exiting her after school GSA meeting at around 3:15 and then she remembers walking in to her house at 4:30 and immediately realizing that she could not remember where she had been. She said she waited so long to tell me because she was hoping she would remember.
This is upsetting for several reasons. The first is that she had no ride home and was planning to either grab a ride from someone at the school or call her grandma to pick her up. She says that she certainly did not call her and that her grandma did not pick her up. Her house is within walking distance but it was rather cold outside (not intolerable though, we live near Chicago) and it is unlikely she would have walked home.
Second is the amount of time she can't remember, her house is less than a five minute drive from the school and even if she had walked home it would have taken no where near over an hour.
When she told me this I told her she should tell her parents as it sounded like a fairly serious issue to me. She responded by saying that her parents would only dismiss her and not take any action. I still insisted that she should talk to someone about this and she began to get very defensive, claiming that she didn't want to make it a big deal or let it affect her life.
In addition she explained that her principle concern was that she felt like she might have "done something bad" that she can't remember. When I inquired as to what sort of thing she said she didn't know.
All this seemed incredibly strange to me and I began to feel dubious of the truth of her story due to her attempts to get me to talk about something else. It seemed like she was hiding something and my (probably paranoid and over jealous) mind went immediately to infidelity. I thought that maybe she had cheated on me and this elaborate story was some sort of manifestation of her guilt or a panicked cover up.
So today I confronted her about he memory loss issue again and continued to insist that she talk to her parents to perhaps see a doctor or something. She again got very defensive and said she didn't want to talk about it. I thought that maybe she was avoiding discussing the issue with anyone else because it hadn't actually happened. I thought it better to voice my suspicions and have them dismissed or confirmed than let them bottle up so I asked her if she was telling me everything (I tried to do it in the most gentle and least accusatory manner possible). She claimed she was and got mad at me for distrusting her.
Later she texted me apologizing for "being all emotional" and that I said it was okay, just that I was getting vibes that she wasn't telling me the complete truth. She revealed that although she had told me she dealt with anorexia in the past she hadn't told me it came back at times and she mentioned "psychotic breakdowns" which she had mentioned to me before and said that she had a hard time talking about her mental issues. I apologized for accusing her of lying and told her I just wanted to help and support her.
So that's the deal. I guess my questions are: What is the probable medical deal with this memory loss? Could it be tied to her existing issues with anorexia? Is it serious? Should I continue to advise her to see a doctor?
Now I think I was being a bit paranoid in thinking she was deceiving me before but does that seem to be the case?
Should I just leave her alone about it?
What the hell should I do?
ArtificialColoring on
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It does sound sketchy I agree, but an hour plus of memory loss it not something to be dismissed, as you didn't mention any alcohol or drugs as its possible cause. It's also possible she's doing some weird call out for attention too, but if anything will nip that in bud, it's by getting authority figures involved.
The other option is simply to accept her explanation and move on with the relationship.
Does she do this kind of thing a lot to you?
You're not going to find out the cause for it here, because I have no doubt that they could be numerous.
I'm a bit concerned/confused by the line "In addition she explained that her principle concern was that she felt like she might have "done something bad" that she can't remember."
Get her to a doctor however you can. Tell her parents, a school counselor, whatever. For all you know, she had a stroke of some kind and needs treatment.
Tell her folks because fucking goddamn this could be serious
Assume she is lying for wants attention
Both options will probably totally fuck your relationship with her, but at the end of the day what's more important?
If she is getting those episodes, there's a lot more going on than just some minor mental issues. Anything that causes you to dissociate is a pretty damn serious mental health issue and she should be talking to a psychiatrist/psychologist and a therapist if it's happened more than once. Or it's a serious head injury. But it doesn't sound like she had a concussion.
As far as this being a cry for attention I sort of doubt it. I have seen this behavior in others (I have a friend who uses her suicide attempt as a tool to gain attention frequently) and I'm just not getting the same vibes from her. I could be wrong be she just seems legitimately scared and upset.
Edit in reply to Kako:
She has said that she would go to a doctor if it happened again. Is one occurrence enough to cause concern?
Don't ask me to go deeper, I do not wish to get an infraction.
P.S.
And yes, one occurrence is enough to be concerned.
However, there is a more difficult issue which is that she may be covering things up and using memory loss as an excuse to avoid talking to you about an event or something that occurred in that hour that she is not proud of. Who knows what that event could be? Your girlfriend (assuming she doesn't actually have memory loss). It sounds to me like there is a possibility your girlfriend had something happen (don't read anything more into that, just that "something occurred") and she doesn't want to tell you (who knows maybe she stole a penny from the take a penny jar and she feels bad). I've found that in situations where two partners are having difficulty the best thing to do is to talk about it (granted you may not like the news) and to be open with each other. Your girlfriend either can't remember what happened due to medical reasons (legitimately scary) OR she does remember what happened in that hour and she isn't telling you for some reason (those motives can take a range from good to bad, but without further facts, who knows). if it becomes clear your girlfriend has no actual problems with her memory (fingers crossed) then you to speak plainly with your girlfriend about what happened in that hour and tell her that, as partners, you two need to be honest and forthright with each other.
Not actually a big deal, unless it re-occurs. As it happens, the teenage brain is going through a tremendous amount of growth and change, specifically in the parietal and temporal lobes. As a result, things can go a bit 'squiggy' sometimes. An hour or two is not a big deal; there are a ton of automatic reactions and processes that can kick in and move a person along without them being entirely aware. Memory of those events is iffy at best.
For us non-morning people out there, for example, how much do you really remember about the first hour of your morning? Because mine consists largely of fuck, alarm, fuck, snooze, fuck, car, fuck, caffiene, holy shit I'm at work. These sorts of events can take place at any time, and are quite common for teenagers.
That being said, it's probably a little thing that's turned into a talking point. I would let it drop. Could be girl got a ride (from another boy! *gasp!*), could be she froze her ass off and got so focused she can't remember the trip. At that age, if she doesn't think its a big deal, or doesn't want to talk about it, it's probably not and you probably shouldn't.
On the flip side, if she starts 'not remembering' every little thing, like where she disappeared to when you were supposed to meet, or who she was just talking to syrupy-like on the phone, that's kind of a bullshit situation, and it's somewhat serious, either neurologically, psychologically, or plain-old morally. Then it might be time to have a chat about one thing or another. Till then, I wouldn't worry about it.
Serious alarm bells. Plus the defensiveness and attempts to dismiss the issue? You're right to be jealous, dude... it sounds to me like she has a reason to be guilty.
She's 17. You do and say the dumbest things in this age range. My first inclination - she wants attention.
This is not an attack on your girlfriend. Everyone wants attention at 17. This is one of the things we do/did for it.
She's hiding something. She did something in the lost time. She wasn't proud of it. Could be cheating. Could be drugs. Could be necrobestialbuttsex. We'll never know unless she decides she wants to share it. If you really want to go this route, then just keep reinforcing the idea that she can trust you, tell you anything, and that you arent here to judge her.
- Beware though - this can hurt because you're gonna judge the shit out of her inside inside your own head.
She's experienced lost time - we actually all have this happen to us in our lives. Some of us shrug it off, others fixate on it. I can't tell you the times it used to freak me out when I would drive an hour to get home, be in my house on my couch and suddenly realize that I didnt remember a goddamn thing about the drive home - no car, no ride, nothing. From office to couch.....it causes a brain wtf moment.
Once isn't a big deal - but if this is happening on a regular basis, or she loses a long stretch of time - multiple hours - not knowing where she is or how she got there - then its time to hit up the doc for the brain scans.
As sad as it sounds, in this case, HOPE for something physical - they can treat that. Psych is really fuzzy on this phenomenon and some dumb pricks actually recommend electroshock as a cure.
Sarcastro, when I first read this my thought was "wow, that dude has a lot of morning sex".
OP, since your girlfriend seems genuinely freaked out about this, she needs to talk to someone other than you.
Dr., school counselor, her parents, Somebody that is Not You. A 17 year old bumbly puppy of a boyfriend is no substitute for real grownup advice, no matter how awesome you are.
Personally, the fact that she brought up the "I may have done something bad" and that she's super serious about YOU not discussing the problem would set off certain concerns over trust. Of course, if she had anorexia in the past, this could what's she is talking about. Obviously, it could be many things.
Be cool, see where things go. If it continues to happen, try to find a pattern in circumstances. Specific days, specific times, etc. Memory loss isn't something you can set a clock too, so if it happens in very specific situations...
Ceres, I don't know where you hostility towards the OP is coming from. Just because they are boyfriend girlfriend now doesn't mean that expectations of forthrightness and trust don't also inure to the relationship. Each relationship is different, for example, my girlfriend and I started dating in high school, and we have been together for 10 years. We are still boyfriend and girlfriend. We stayed that way beacuse our relationship was built around being forthright with one another and discussing, in an open manner, our feelings about the relationship and problems that arose out of the relationship.
That isn't to say that other relationships can be formed with drastically different expectations, but if the OP's relationship is built on the same expectations of trust then, the OP has every privilege to be concerned about his girlfriend's questionable statements. If she doesn't want to talk about it, fine, but that is a cause of concern about the relationship as a whole. I don't know where concerns about needing to talk to each other in an open and trusting way, somehow equates to pressuring the OP's girlfriend about anything. In my head, for serious relationships (i'm assumign this is serious since the OP has been with GF for 2 years), partners have to discuss issues of concern between them. A sudden loss of an hours worth of time, with a dubious statemetn about how GF did something bad isn't "pressuring" a person but requesting honesty about the said situation.
This is what the OP is asking for: a reason to put pressure on his girlfriend, who has expressed to him a number of times greater than 1 that she doesn't want to talk about it with him. But then, if I had a serious problem and all my boyfriend could seem to think of me for it was that I was probably cheating on him, I wouldn't want to talk about it with him either. And if he couldn't leave it alone, he also probably wouldn't be my boyfriend for much longer.
Wow, whoops holy shit i misread the OP in a huge way. Ceres im sorry you are right. I'd be pretty pissed about the immediate assumption of infidelity.
OP if want your GF to treat you with honesty and respect, you have got to also give your GF room to be honest. THis means you cannot assume that this situation stems from your girlfriend cheating. Trust is gained and earned, and you don't deserve her trust if you can't trust her.
Seriously, did you even read the OP?
To me this sounds like a story made up to try to mitigate fault in whatever bad thing she did. Someone else knows about the bad thing and could potentially tell you and this is the only way she could think of so that she wouldn't be at fault for it. This would also explain why she doesn't want to tell anyone else about it - she doesn't want to seek medical attention for this because it never happened and she doesn't want to be caught in a lie. That is just my theory though. Her actions don't really support someone worried about the fact that she lost time.
Also, the fact she brought up her difficulties with anorexia in the past now of all times. She could be struggling with it again, and is trying to show, in her own way, that she needs help.
I am definitely not a psychiatrist, though.
Bother me on steam: kabbypan
As far as her talking to someone other than me, I totally agree and this is what I have been suggesting. I'm just incredibly hesitant to contact her parents or anything before discussing it with her.
Ceres, I want to make it clear that I did not accuse her of cheating or assume she was cheating on me. I apologize if it seemed that way. Her behavior just seemed odd and my first thought was cheating. I admitted in my first post that this was probably paranoid and an over reaction and jumping to this conclusion is a fault on my part. I'm aware that if she is being dishonest it could be for a multitude of reasons.
I understand that trust is important in a relationship but I feel uneasy completely disregarding the idea of her being dishonest when she has been acting so strangely about the issue and I felt that it was worth mentioning. It could be her discomfort regarding the discussion of her mental issues and I will by all means be incredibly sensitive to this and not "pressure" her to do anything. That was a poor choice of words previously.
I just want to make sure that if what happened to her is serious she gets the medical help she needs, as I would feel awful if something bad happened that I could have prevented. Disregard our relationship as childish if you want, I've told you I have no delusions about it, but this is someone I care about and would very much like to do what I can to help her. I realize that that is probably to contact an adult but, as I said before, I would rather not do this without first discussing it with her.
Maybe I'm misreading your tone Aurora but I see no reason for the condescension.
We don't get to decide what kind of memory loss is okay, or when it's okay to have it. If you suffer from memory loss, it can seem like there's very little rhyme or reason without perspective and insight into the brain one probably doesn't have oneself, and an onlooker is even less likely to possess.
I maintain that she has now told you a number of times that she doesn't want to talk to you about it, and if you care about her you should respect that. You've expressed your concern and she knows how you feel, and if this is a memory loss situation your continued hounding could make it worse, actually doing her harm. That seems to be something you haven't considered. If it's something she just can't or doesn't know how to deal with, your best move is still to respect it this and stop bringing it up. She will probably tell you about it if/when she feels safe to do so, and repeated attempts to force the issue will probably make you feel less safe to her. If you're going to tell an adult/professional then do it, but then leave it alone.
If you've been dating for two years you're probably one of the more stable influences in her life. If you don't trust her, she is going to pick up on that and she is going to want to talk to you even less. To be honest, you've known her long enough at this point that unless she has a history of lying to you there's no reason for you not to trust her to talk to you about it if she feels like she can. And because you don't know what's wrong, you don't even know what kind of help she needs. If you want to help her and decide not to tell anyone, then be a safe place to go.
I originally thought that something bad might have happened but then why would she say that she did something bad instead of something bad happened. It just doesn't seem like the first thought you would have is "I might have done something bad".
Yes, actually, it's still perfectly normal. When the mind enters into an autonomic state, it's essentially carrying out a preprogrammed routine, or set of basic tasks. It's not really observing or learning anything, and new memories aren't being formed because the mind doesn't see anything it doesn't know already. A person can 'space out' for a good long time, often dwelling on other things while their body goes through the motions.
Even if there is a sudden event out of the usual, the mind may not have time to wake up, record the experience, and transfer the memory into longterm storage, as it is busy with other things. As a result, the event can easily become forgotten, and a person may not be able to distinguish between one event (ie coming home tuesday) with another very similar one (i.e. coming home thursday).
If the event is extremely common (coming home everyday), the mind actually purposefully discards bizarre abnormalities (coming home, scared by a hobo, finished coming home) because they are not useful in establishing typical behaviors and thought strategies (i.e. how to come home). This carries forward to doing something entirely out of character during one's routine as a one time thing; quite often that event is not remembered because it is so atypical it is not useful in establishing baseline behavior.
My wife and I drove to Florida on a vacation. 18 hours of highway driving. Wife took a nap while I was driving, and I was on auto-pilot for 2 hours. The gas light came on suddenly with it's little bing and I came to the realization that I could not remember the past 2 hours... It happens.
I dunno if this is the case with the girlfriend, perhaps she just spent the time walking home, got lost in her thoughts, and went on auto-pilot?
This is what I'm hung up on too. If these were her words...well maybe it's just a weird thing for her to say.
As Ceres said, I would just make sure you let her know you are always there to talk if she needs it. I found out after over-prodding my ex to talk about things, that it only makes things worse. Trying to help EVEN HARDER sometimes results in the exact opposite...the person introverts and doesn't want to share anything. If you do fear she did something "bad", the negative, pressuring approach could drive her to continue any type of thoughts/behavior in that department.
I hope she finds the help or explanation she needs and that you two work it all out! Hang in there.
She might have rode some duders wang, she might have just been short some vitamins and not processed her memories properly that day. Ultimately it's up to you to make up your mind and hey, you're both 17 so you can be fairly sure that regardless if she's a lying cheating whore or a wonderful saint, you're going to be OK in the end.
It entirely depends on what that something is and I don't want to go into it any more than that.
What I find odd about some of the responses here is that the OP is being told that communication is not needed here. That she simply gets to say "no, I wont talk about it" and the OP has to accept that. I mean, isnt communication like THE single most important thing for a healthy relationship.
It seems to me that the OP has every right to want to discuss this, either because hes concerned about what happened to her, what she did, or what her health may be. Her shutting him out and not wanting to talk about is the major concern for me.
It implies to me that either she did something horrible, or something horrible happened to her.
Why bring it up if you refuse to talk about it?
Why get defensive when someone tries to talk about it?
It just doesnt add up as something that the OP should just leave be IMO.
Pressing the issue if she's not ready to talk about it just turns him from a potential source of support and strength to another external stress factor that she probably doesn't need right now.
Maybe she'll be ready to talk about it later, maybe she won't, but forcing the issue (even if it's driving him batty) seems unlikely to be overly productive.
As they say in 12 step programs, you can't force someone to get help, they have to want to help themselves. If this happens again it might be worth addressing with one of her parents or another adult if it seems serious (to rule out health risks if nothing else), but as noted that is also fraught with not inconsiderable risk to the relationship. They're both still teenagers but 17 isn't far from being an adult, and as a near adult she should be able to make choices about her health and well being and have those choices be respected by friends and family alike.
Not that I'm saying she WAS raped. But I wouldn't leap to "SOUNDS LIKE SHE'S CHEATING" either. If she were cheating on the OP, why even say anything? It's not like he was sitting at home with a stop watch. He would never have known that it took her X minutes to get home if she hadn't told him.
Most people are bad liars.
I'm going to have to disagree with what I think a lot of people are suggesting here, in that people lie far, far more often than they get totally blank periods of time in their memory. I wouldn't press the issue, but I'd honestly be a little more aware from here on out.
It's up to you, OP, really, but I don't endorse the idea that you ought to automatically trust what other people say. She isn't being forthright with you. Now why she is not doing so could be a variety of reasons, many innocent, but that's part of it.
The proper question here is not "Thinking of all teenage people, how often do they space out memories?". The proper question here is, "Of the people who claim memory loss when questioned about a time period, how often are they are telling the truth?"
Furthermore, as a father of teenagers... if one of them came to me and said "I don't remember where I was for an hour or so, during my 5-minute walk home, and I'm afraid I might have done something bad", that shit would send off all kinds of alarm bells.
What the OP should do about it is an open question, but believing that the answer to what happened in that hour is "she was at home for 50 minutes of the hour, and she just didn't notice" is probably wrong. My personal belief is that she did something she's not proud of, and wanted the OP to treat it as trivial and make her feel better. She assumed he'd behave a certain way, maybe she was even subconsciously testing his reaction / loyalty, and she didn't get the response she wanted from him.
"Why don't you trust me?!" is a very typical response when someone is questioned about his (her) actual untrustworthy behavior.
For this relationship and future relationships (if you have any) the better lesson to get from this just may be that trust is key and it is a two way street. Don't agonize over it.