A girl who cheated on their boyfriend...
Elimination
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
With me.
Now I have known this girl for years, and she has in the past been a very close friend of mine, and a couple years ago (2 years around.) we did have a bit of a thing, but our lives took us in different directions, i moved away to another city. Flash back to this month, I moved back after not seeing her but for a brief visit once for those 2 years. We kept in touch moderately, she called me often, to see what was goin on in my life, I didn't call her much though because im bad for that.
Anyways for the past 6 months shes been in this fairly serious relationship with this guy, they recently got in a big fight about a week ago and I was informed that they werent seeing eye to eye and all that. Well since I have been back I've been spending a lot of time with her and her sister since we've all been good friends in the past. I was under the assumption all her feelings were no longer for me in "that way" anymore and that we were going to be just good friends again (Which is all i really want, i am only in town to do some training for a while.). Well she got in a big fight with her boyfriend the other night and was all thinking about leaving him and such, so her sister went and got us all a few drinks and brought them home. Nothing serious, nobody was crazy drunk or anything so we cant blame it on that.
Anyways the night was going just fine, we were all hanging out (me her and her sister.) at their place, watching movies off of Netflix. Now her sister and i also get along extremely well but have no history together other than good friends, and her and I were kind of buddying up that night (in a friend way) just chatting and catching up as I hadnt kept in good of touch with her. Now, lets cal her..."Mira" for fun. Mira intentionally then seperated myself and her sister, moving in the middle of us. By this point i was getting really tired, so i just shrugged and laid back, kinda starting to fall asleep (We were all 3 of us together in Mira's sisters bed, this is something we've done many times, all platonic.) I fall sleep for...probably 20 minutes and i get woken up with "Mira"'s arm wrapped around me and shes laying facing me, very close, her sister is next to her totally asleep. Mira smiles and says she cant sleep, asks me if we can go to my place to play PC games on my gaming PC, this is something we used to do together all the time, i have multiple PC's and we'd game together once and a while.
So being half asleep and kind of missing my own bed i said sure, I live very close to Mira, only down the street really, so we walked back to my place and i went and laid down on the couch. She said "Oh we dont have to play games if you're tired, lets just go lay in your room and put on a movie." Sure, i said, not really thinking anything of it (Though by this point i realize I should have figured it out by now, but i was tired and had been drinking, and i cant handle my alcohol that well since i dont drink often.) So I get into pajamas and hop into bed flick on a movie, figuring i'll just pass out and whatever. Well Mira rolls over and cuddles right up to me, saying "I really missed this" well I was tired and said to myself, well thats fine, whatever (I should have stopped it here but didnt.) She then really starts nuzzling me, I feel a few twinges, and then she gets up and just starts taking off her clothes and pretty much jumping my bones right away. I got a little overwhelmed by it, though I did protest and say "I don't know if this is such a good idea, you technically have a boyfriend right now" and she just kept saying "I cant help it I missed you and this always felt so right" and well, she was trying REALLY hard to get me into it, and with the booze in me and the fact that I probably do still have feelings for her despite it being 2 years later, we ended up staying the night together at my place, let me re-iterate that she was definitely not drunk, so that cannot be blamed, besides drunk girls never go through THIS much effort to do something with someone.
Anyways fast forward to now, we get up and she kisses me and all that. I am feeling pretty crappy about the situation and she looked at me and said "You didn't really think I came over here to play video games do you?" I shook my head and asked "Well now what are we going to do about your boyfriend, and all this?" She said she didn't know yet and needed to think on it, and that she just couldn't help herself when I am involved, and that her feelings toward me were coming back pretty strong.
Well she went home, and told me to come talk to her later in the night when i was done my errands for the day. So I did, came over to her place and helped her with a computer problem she was having on her laptop. I asked her If she had talked to her boyfriend yet, she said this "Well I dont know what to say to him, and I do love him, and I think I am going to stay with him right now, I can't ask you to lie for me but I dont know if i can tell him right now or what i am going to do."
At that point i kind of felt a little used. Though overall it just started to make me feel bad for her boyfriend, she seems genuinely worried about how to say anything to him, she actually has been having a lot of trouble with the guy and they very rarely see eye to eye, even Mira's sister doesn't like him and doesn't really like having him around at all, and often makes comments to her about leaving him. Problem is it sounds like she just wants to avoid the problem completely right now, and I know for a fact that this won't be the last time she tries this with me, even when i was moved away she called me all the time and made active effort to know what was going on in my life. Her sister even once told me that Mira was madly in love with me, even her Boyfriend told me that Mira talked about me all the time even though i wasnt even living there anymore.
So, the dilemma comes up of should i snitch on it and tell her boyfriend what happened? Should i leave it and let her do the talking? I think that it's inevitable that she will try this again with me, maybe not right away but i know it will happen, shes pretty much said herself she "cant help it.". But this all puts me in a very awkward situation...
Any advice would be fantastic...?
Edit: And for the record i don't disslike her boyfriend, in fact I like him just fine. I dont believe they are compatible as they dont share basically any hobbies or anything in common other than they are both friendly and have some of the same friends. Just to set my opinion straight on that.
Now I have known this girl for years, and she has in the past been a very close friend of mine, and a couple years ago (2 years around.) we did have a bit of a thing, but our lives took us in different directions, i moved away to another city. Flash back to this month, I moved back after not seeing her but for a brief visit once for those 2 years. We kept in touch moderately, she called me often, to see what was goin on in my life, I didn't call her much though because im bad for that.
Anyways for the past 6 months shes been in this fairly serious relationship with this guy, they recently got in a big fight about a week ago and I was informed that they werent seeing eye to eye and all that. Well since I have been back I've been spending a lot of time with her and her sister since we've all been good friends in the past. I was under the assumption all her feelings were no longer for me in "that way" anymore and that we were going to be just good friends again (Which is all i really want, i am only in town to do some training for a while.). Well she got in a big fight with her boyfriend the other night and was all thinking about leaving him and such, so her sister went and got us all a few drinks and brought them home. Nothing serious, nobody was crazy drunk or anything so we cant blame it on that.
Anyways the night was going just fine, we were all hanging out (me her and her sister.) at their place, watching movies off of Netflix. Now her sister and i also get along extremely well but have no history together other than good friends, and her and I were kind of buddying up that night (in a friend way) just chatting and catching up as I hadnt kept in good of touch with her. Now, lets cal her..."Mira" for fun. Mira intentionally then seperated myself and her sister, moving in the middle of us. By this point i was getting really tired, so i just shrugged and laid back, kinda starting to fall asleep (We were all 3 of us together in Mira's sisters bed, this is something we've done many times, all platonic.) I fall sleep for...probably 20 minutes and i get woken up with "Mira"'s arm wrapped around me and shes laying facing me, very close, her sister is next to her totally asleep. Mira smiles and says she cant sleep, asks me if we can go to my place to play PC games on my gaming PC, this is something we used to do together all the time, i have multiple PC's and we'd game together once and a while.
So being half asleep and kind of missing my own bed i said sure, I live very close to Mira, only down the street really, so we walked back to my place and i went and laid down on the couch. She said "Oh we dont have to play games if you're tired, lets just go lay in your room and put on a movie." Sure, i said, not really thinking anything of it (Though by this point i realize I should have figured it out by now, but i was tired and had been drinking, and i cant handle my alcohol that well since i dont drink often.) So I get into pajamas and hop into bed flick on a movie, figuring i'll just pass out and whatever. Well Mira rolls over and cuddles right up to me, saying "I really missed this" well I was tired and said to myself, well thats fine, whatever (I should have stopped it here but didnt.) She then really starts nuzzling me, I feel a few twinges, and then she gets up and just starts taking off her clothes and pretty much jumping my bones right away. I got a little overwhelmed by it, though I did protest and say "I don't know if this is such a good idea, you technically have a boyfriend right now" and she just kept saying "I cant help it I missed you and this always felt so right" and well, she was trying REALLY hard to get me into it, and with the booze in me and the fact that I probably do still have feelings for her despite it being 2 years later, we ended up staying the night together at my place, let me re-iterate that she was definitely not drunk, so that cannot be blamed, besides drunk girls never go through THIS much effort to do something with someone.
Anyways fast forward to now, we get up and she kisses me and all that. I am feeling pretty crappy about the situation and she looked at me and said "You didn't really think I came over here to play video games do you?" I shook my head and asked "Well now what are we going to do about your boyfriend, and all this?" She said she didn't know yet and needed to think on it, and that she just couldn't help herself when I am involved, and that her feelings toward me were coming back pretty strong.
Well she went home, and told me to come talk to her later in the night when i was done my errands for the day. So I did, came over to her place and helped her with a computer problem she was having on her laptop. I asked her If she had talked to her boyfriend yet, she said this "Well I dont know what to say to him, and I do love him, and I think I am going to stay with him right now, I can't ask you to lie for me but I dont know if i can tell him right now or what i am going to do."
At that point i kind of felt a little used. Though overall it just started to make me feel bad for her boyfriend, she seems genuinely worried about how to say anything to him, she actually has been having a lot of trouble with the guy and they very rarely see eye to eye, even Mira's sister doesn't like him and doesn't really like having him around at all, and often makes comments to her about leaving him. Problem is it sounds like she just wants to avoid the problem completely right now, and I know for a fact that this won't be the last time she tries this with me, even when i was moved away she called me all the time and made active effort to know what was going on in my life. Her sister even once told me that Mira was madly in love with me, even her Boyfriend told me that Mira talked about me all the time even though i wasnt even living there anymore.
So, the dilemma comes up of should i snitch on it and tell her boyfriend what happened? Should i leave it and let her do the talking? I think that it's inevitable that she will try this again with me, maybe not right away but i know it will happen, shes pretty much said herself she "cant help it.". But this all puts me in a very awkward situation...
Any advice would be fantastic...?
Edit: And for the record i don't disslike her boyfriend, in fact I like him just fine. I dont believe they are compatible as they dont share basically any hobbies or anything in common other than they are both friendly and have some of the same friends. Just to set my opinion straight on that.
PSN: PA_Elimination 3DS: 4399-2012-1711 Steam: http://steamcommunity.com/id/TheElimination/
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You should definitely not tell the boyfriend, because all that happens in that instance is that you become the insta-bad guy, both to him and to her. It's a lose-lose-lose situation.
I'm once more reminded of the 2000s philosopher Frederick Durst, who once said 'Your best bet is to stay away... It's all about the he-says, she-says'.
Gaming blog
@lamournumerique
Do you like this girl? Do you want to pursue things? You need to tell her that, but also that you don't want to be the other guy. Maybe that's what she needs to give her a way out from her current relationship, or maybe she just wants to get back at him every now and then.
Do you just not want to be that guy? Then I think it'd be best to GTFO and put some distance from the situation. Maybe not necessary, but it's going to be hanging over any time you spend with her from now on.
Regardless, don't be the one to tell the boyfriend. There's not many ways that will end in a good way for anyone involved. You'll be the bad guy with both of them and probably tank their relationship for good at the same time. There may not be a good way to resolve the situation without somebody getting hurt, but there's ways that at least not everyone does and the one(s) who do get hurt a lot less.
I honestly would cut off all contact with the girl for a while, regardless of how you feel. If you do like her, she's made it clear she's not ready to be with you, so it might hurt to constantly see her. If you don't like her..well, she is just using you and your presense might make it harder to work out with her BF.
Do I want to pursue something with her? I don't really know, but I definitely dont want to ruin anything for her, and I just mostly feel really guilty for not just refusing. The fact that I didnt refuse more than I did shows right there that I still have something for her in a more than friendship kind of way. I really feel like I want to tell him, but I also think that would end up really bad...and uhg just a messed up situation.
I also have a strong feeling this won't be the last time she tries this. We also have the same circle of friends and her and her sister are two of my best friends I have, so avoiding her is going to be extremely difficult...and her boyfriend is coming back this weekend, and I was supposed to go to this house warming shindig thing and I know her and her sis will be there, and I think he will end up showing up once he gets into town, it's going to be a really awkward situation...
You definitely shouldn't tell him.
I also think you should probably not see her for a while, even if it's difficult. You seem to have a feeling it will happen again, and if that's not something you want then the best way to avoid temptation is simply to not be around for it. As has been said already, you really need to figure out what you want here.
Alternatively, if you decide you don't want anything to happen again from now on but you still want to see them as friends, you're going to have to learn to be really, really assertive about it if approached. Sometimes that's difficult to do, but if you do reach this conclusion and sleep with her anyway you'll probably feel terrible about it later.
When all this is done, if he finds out, you probably won't get to be friends with him either way.
Sure she does!
Well, I think her rather "casual" attitude tells you everything you need to know about her future intentions - ie keep you on the hook whilst she has it both ways (no pun intended).
Normally I would have no issue with your position in this triangle - its not your role to be gatekeeper at all, but having said that her attitude is not ideal to say the least.
I would probably tell her to work her shit out and cut communication off until she does... if you're not cool with how things are going then ultimately you will regret your part in this situation and will look back and be angry at yourself.
Id be even MORE concerned that she is dumb enough to do this while (at least thinking that) she loves him. You dont do that to someone you love. The fact she can process the thoughts of "i love him" and "i am going to bang this other guy then live a life of dishonesty with the guy I 'love'" shows some really messed up shit.
So, if you have any feelings for her, id be careful pursuing a relationship with her. Because some day she may go over to her now "ex" boyfriends house to "play video games."
If you want to pursue something with her, I wouldn't do it at an active pace and instead would see how this situation with her boyfriend plays out first. If she decides to stay with him, then that's just the way it is, but I would recommend keeping your friendship at an actual friendship level and not a friends with benefits level until her situation with him changes.
It's not your job to tell her boyfriend. If you decide to, be aware that it will create consequences and you have to ultimately think about what you stand to gain by doing so because all I can see that doing is creating more trouble for yourself.
It sounds like their relationship is sputtering out and I bet if you just wait it'll finish itself in a few months time.
Wait...What?
No. You are under absolutely no obligation to create a situation here.
No it doesn't.
Don't fuck girls with boyfriends.
It's a dick thing to do.
It's bad karma.
If you enter into a relationship with a girl that has no real problem with cheating on her boyfriend, there's a pretty good chance she'd cheat on you.
I don't know if I'd tell your friend what happened or not. Depends on your level of friendship, I'd say. If you do tell him, he'll probably be angry at you as well as her because, you know, you slept with her.
Don't tell the boyfriend. It's not your place to punish her for something you both did. I would cut off contact until she figures things out though.
Don't say anything to him. Don't say anything to her. You don't need someone like that in your life; she will do nothing but cause problems. Finish your training and move on.
This is all you need to know.
Dude. Run.
Edit: I realize the above is easy for me to say, but this is one time you need to ignore what your cock is telling you to do. It will suck, you will burn in your hormonal impulses, but you have to cut ties for your own sanity and, yes, safety as people have gotten violent when betrayed like this.
Sorry to have to say this, but you can NOT be boning someone's girlfriend/fiancee/wife. Noone's perfect, but you have to admit to yourself that you made a big mistake and not repeat it.
I've had an 18 year old come on to me; massive ego boost! Before we did anything, I found out she was engaged and I ran away from her as fast as I could. You have to.
Margaret Thatcher
This is one of those silly myths that gets perpetuated for some ridiculous reason.
I've cheated on a couple people in my day, and in subsequent relationships in the same relative time period not cheated on another significant other. Now that I'm older I would never dream of doing it.
Just because someone does something doesn't mean they're going to do it again. We all have the ways and means to cheat. EVERYONE. It doesn't mean a cheater once is a cheater always though.
It would be exactly accurate and useful to tell the OP "if you will sleep with a girl who has a boyfriend, you will later sleep with some other girl with a boyfriend, and rationalize it the same way." It takes two, guys. The OP is spinning this pretty hard as "well I was tired and drunk and this wild woman was throwing herself at me and it was just too much effort to stop it," but he could have said no at any time.
The whole "once a cheater, always a cheater" thing is bullshit. Yes, Mira fucked up, but so did the OP, and I think both of them need to sit down on their own and figure out what they want out of this. In the meantime, since both of them lack the willpower to say no, the OP definitely needs to avoid putting himself in that situation again - at this point, after what happened, saying "hey wanna come over to play videogames?" is pretty much like saying "hey let's have more sex."
Ninja edit: I agree with Esh. This makes me uncomfortable.
That said, you shouldn't cheat with her; it's not going to end well for anyone. Nor is it your responsibility to tell the boyfriend anything.
Firms disqualify job candidates with criminal histories, no matter the relevancy of the charge. Same idea.
That said, OP was involved too and you're best to sever contact for a while. She needs to sort herself out and I'd suggest that you not be involved.
<cynical>
- Will she leave her boyfriend for you?
- Do you want to date her?
- Do you want to sleep with her again?
- Do you love her?
1: If yes, goto 2. If no, goto 3.2: If yes, goto 4. If no, goto 3.
3: If yes, go to gamestop, buy anything at random, then call her up and tell her you've got a new game. If no, avoid her until things cool down.
4: If yes, tell her and hope she ditches the other guy. Avoid further sex until then. If no, tell her you want to go out sometime and that she ought to ditch the other guy, then goto 3.
</cynical>
<honorable>
- Do you love her?
- Do you want to date her?
- Will she leave her boyfriend for you?
1: if yes, goto 3. If no, goto 2.2: If yes, goto 3. If no, tell her it was a onetime thing and hope she understands.
3: Tell her your answer to 1 or 2. If she says yes, pursue her but avoid sex until she does it. If she says no, end things and move on to someone available.
</honorable>
She already messed up any trust in her relationship. That isn't going to be fixed by you telling her boyfriend and it isn't going to be any worse if you sleep with her again. If you were to ask if you should have slept with her the first time, I would have said no way. But since you already did, you might as well do what you want now...
Yes, it absolutely matters how many times it happened or may happen. This is applicable to any sort of "offense" or "crime".
And that second part? "Hey, things already fucked up, might as well keep doing it if you want to" is just not sound advice.
If you need to boil down complex human interactions to such a simple statement then you should probably just give up now and not ever leave your home because there are more painful and likely events that happen day to day that you should be worried about.
Obviously this girl doesn't have her head on straight yet. That's cool, almost no one does when they're young. The trick is that while getting one's head on straight, one often goes through a lot of phases of one's life. What was love today is a ridiculous crush tomorrow. There's plenty of womenfolk out there; don't get tied up with one that has an overcomplicated love life.
Something is moral or immoral because of the results of the action. If repeating an action produces no more harm, then why is the repetition immoral? Is it murder to shoot someone that is already dead? If not, then maybe your blanket statement on all offenses and crimes may not be the case. Either the boyfriend is going to be able to get over her cheating or he isn't. This isn't dependent on the number of times he sleeps with her. If you can reason with me how the repetition causes further harm, then I would agree with you. I don't see this as the case though.
Ignoring the drastic over-simplification of morals, it most certainly could be dependent on that.
Actions exist in their context. The second sexing does not exist in the same context as the first sexing; it exists in a context in which the first sexing has already taken place. This changes the perceptions and consequences of the activity.
Also, the difference between shooting someone dead and shooting someone dead, then shooting them again, can be the difference between first and third degree murder.
I am reasonably certain that Mira's boyfriend is a placeholder- for you apparently. She's not going to feel all that conflicted because you are her preference. There is a place in that mind's eye, where she's not really cheating on her boyfriend, because her boyfriend is just someone she hangs out with and has sex with while she's waiting for someone better, and in this case that someone is you.
I disagree with the whole 'omg cheaters are always cheaters' standpoint, many many people are simply true to their hearts. This could easily be the case, and I don't see anything wrong with that. Sure, there are more upstanding ways to go about it, if you're the type to comparison shop your values, but I don't really think that's relevant. What is relevant, is that you obviously have a special place in this girl's heart, and so what are you going to do about it?
Yes, yes, we should all live honorable lives and karma is a bitch and things come back round to bite us in the ass. Given. For the moment though, let's just say Fuck That. That's an ideal, not a situation. This situation actually exists, and it's kind of messy. It's already out of the clean little moralistic box everyone loves to pretend they prefer to live in. Fuck the rules, for now, and figure out what you want.
Do you want the girl? Then go get her. Fuck that other guy. Life is competitive and perilously unfair.
Do you not want the girl? Then maybe you should let her know cause she's strung up on you.
Do you want to fuck the girl for a while only to lead her to inevitable heartbreak? Fuck you buddy, die in a fire.
Seriously, even with no morals that's a pretty douche thing to do.
So take some time out and think about what you want. Once you make your decision, than, if you feel like it's neccessary, apply your moral values to the situation and try to make the best of it. Inform, don't inform, aggressively pursue, stand aside, whatever. Knowing your decision first will allow you to take the course of action that will yeild the best results. So I would start there and take it one step at a time.
Because people make mistakes. Repeating said mistake just makes things worse. Your analogy doesn't work in any sense because the person the crime has been committed on is incapable of caring or having any worse infliction brought upon them at that point. Repeated action brings repeated and stacking harm.
This attitude will end up getting you in more trouble than it's worth (i.e. punched in the face) and it's also extremely self-serving. Follow this advice if you don't like having friends.
Exactly. If she still loves her bf but the relationship isn't working out despite them being in love she is probably kinda confused. Most of us in the US grow up hearing songs and watching after school specials that tell us that as long as two people love each other things will work out in the end just by the power of love. Unfortunately that is complete bullshit. Because of this a decent number of people are very confused the first time they are still in love with someone who loves them but the relationship just isn't working out despite all the love.
That said, I agree with the posters saying that sleeping with her isn't likely doing her any favors in terms of figuring things out.
I reiterate my advice. Even if you want the girl, find some girl you can fuck/date with less complication. There are plenty of women who will date/sleep with you without having the complications of an existing love life.
Why is sleeping with someone's girlfriend immoral in our monogamy based culture?
I would argue that it is because there is a trust amongst the parties in the relationship and that sleeping with the girl aids in breaking that trust. Do you have a different reason?
If the immorality is caused by the breaking of the trust, it is already broken with the first instance if infidelity. Subsequent actions of infidelity isn't going to make it any more broken.
I don't think this is an over-simplification - if anything it is an attempt to actually reason the morality of a situation rather than taking a black and white, actions are good or evil approach.
Morality isn't black or white, and trust isn't broken or not broken. You can't have it both ways.
Oh I hear you, even personally agree to some extent (my own friends girlfriends are instantly slotted as friends/sisters' for example), but there is a cost/benefit analysis to everything, and if it's worth it, its worth it.
I would take a beating every day of my life to be with the right girl, and if I lost some random aquaintance as a result, I don't think I'd spend a lot of time crying over it.
Also, when you remove morals, everything is self-serving. I tend to believe everything is self-serving anyway, we just like to paint it up with pretty colors because it's just so goddamn ugly sometimes.
This is a false equivalence. What do morality and trust have to do with each other. Are you really going to trust a girlfriend that cheated on you once more than one that did it twice? Oh, I trust you enough to be in a monogamous relationship with you since you only slept with the other guy once, but twice makes me feel completely different!
Uhhh. Yes, people do this. Sometimes it even works, though that requires addressing the root issues that led to the cheating, which is hard.
Can I go now?
Some people seem to get off on the drama of complicated love; it leaves you with bittersweet angst that you can write delightfully horrid poems with when it doesn't work out, and if by some crazy circumstance it does, well, then it'll will be such a darling and delightful story to tell your kids someday.
We usually refer to this set of people as "teenagers." At some point most adults realize that it's much easier to spend the rest of your life with someone who prefers your company to her own baggage and approaches her relationships one at a time and in a healthy, mature fashion.
So my humble advice is:
(a) Don't tell the boyfriend. You're an adult. Stay out of other peoples' drama.
(b) Find someone else. Avoid the drama. Stay out of other peoples' girlfriends.