A penguin is driving around the South Pole in his car when it starts to make a funny noise. He pulls off into a service shop to have it looked at. The mechanic tells the penguin that it'll take about an hour. The penguin decided to do some window shopping while he waits. So the penguin is out walking around, and it an unseasonably hot day for the South Pole, so when he comes across an ice cream shop he decides to get an ice cream cone. He gets a tripple scoop of Vanilla and just mows down on it as her walks back to the service shop. He finishes just before arriving. The mechanic looks up from under the hood of the penguin's car and says
"Looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin starts wiping his mouth(you can just wipe your mouth and say the penguin's line)
"No, it's just ice cream!"
Reverend_Chaos on
“Think of me like Yoda, but instead of being little and green I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro—I'm Broda!”
A piece of string walks into a bar, sits in front of the bartender and orders a drink.
The surly bartender gives him the stink eye and says, "We don't serve your kind 'round here."
The string leaves the bar. Once outside he tangles himself up and messes up his hair. He re-enters the bar, at which point the bartender sees him again and shouts, "Hey, didn't I just tell you we don't serve your kind round here?!"
The string replies,
Nope, I'm a frayed knot.
Jesus and Moses have taken an old man out for a round of golf. They get to a beautiful par 3 that's got a island for the green. Moses tees up first, and ker-plunk - right in the drink. He walks up to the edge of the water, raises his arms and parts the pond and then chips in for a birdie.
Jesus is up next, and makes the identical shot as Moses - dead in the water. Instead of taking the penalty, he walks over to his ball, adjusts his stance for standing a foot or so above it, and chips it right in for a birdie.
The old man, quaking at the sight of these two great golfers, tees up for his shot. Same trajectory - aimed right for the water. However, at the last second the lake trout inhabiting the water jumps up and catches the ball in it's mouth. Before it can land, a great bald eagle swoops down and catches the trout in it's claws and swoops back up to the sky. Thunderclouds form, and with a bolt of lightning the eagle is struck down, landing on the green. The ball rolls out from the trout's mouth and into the cup.
The old man makes his way to the other two men, waiting for him at the next tee. Jesus looks sternly at him and says,
A man is headed home when he gets rear ended by a small hatchback. They pull off to the side of the road, and he is surprised to find a nun behind the wheel. She is crying and sobbingly tells the man that the church cannot afford insurance on the vehicle and pleads with him not to call the police. She'll do anything she says. The man think about it for a moment before telling her that he'll agree not to call the cops only if she agrees to have sex with him. The Nun agonizes over this before finally agreeing, but with three stipulations. He must be of the Catholic faith so she knows that their minor sin can be forgiven, He cannot be married as she does not want to participate in adultery, and it has to be anal so that she can remain a virgin for the church. The man agrees and they climb in the back of his car. The man is having a little trouble getting it up, and finally the nun gives him a BJ, and it is the best one he has ever had. Finally they have sex (you can leave it simple like this, or get really descriptive with this), and the Nun, despite her trepidation earlier is really enjoying it. He finishes, but is overcome with guilt as he gets dressed.
"I have a confession to make" he says "I am not a catholic, I am a mormon. Not only am I married, but I have three wives."
The Nun seems nonchalant about this revalation
"That's okay, my name is Ted and I am on my way to a costume party."
(I sometimes change the name of the Nun to be the name of a friend present at the time.)
Reverend_Chaos on
“Think of me like Yoda, but instead of being little and green I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro—I'm Broda!”
A cop pulls a car over one night, and, after looking at the driver's license says "Dr. Schroedinger, I noticed you were driving erratically. Do you mind if I search your car?" Dr. Schroedinger gives him permission. After searching, he comes back to the driver's window. "Dr. Schroedinger, are you aware that there's a dead cat in your trunk?" Dr. Schroedinger says, "Well, there is now."
Sentry on
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
wrote:
When I was a little kid, I always pretended I was the hero,' Skip said.
'Fuck yeah, me too. What little kid ever pretended to be part of the lynch-mob?'
George W. Bush [or your least-favorite president], sadly, passes away. Don't worry, he went peacefully in his sleep.
Anyway, he finds himself, perhaps not surprisingly, in Hell. The Devil is giving him a tour of his new eternal residence, and finally takes him to a hallway with 3 doors. The Devil says "behind each of these doors is an individual receiving their own unique eternal punishment. I'm in a good mood, and I'm going to let you choose yours. I'll show you what's happening in each room, and you will have the option of trading places with one of the damned. Sound good?"
Bush figures maybe one of them won't be too terrible, so he agrees. The Devil opens Door #1. Bush looks inside, and sees Richard Nixon, chained to a wall, naked, with demons giving him paper cuts all over every square centimeter of his body.
The Devil opens Door #2, and Bush, to his horror, sees Gerald Ford, his body cut open, and his entrails being gnawed on by hell-wolves, as he screams in agony (he was delicious).
Finally, the Devil opens Door #3. Bush looks inside, and sees Bill Clinton, lying on a bed, with Monica Lewenski doing what she does best. Clinton looks pretty happy.
The Devils says "It's time to choose." Bush says "Well, of course, I'm going with #3"
ceresWhen the last moon is cast over the last star of morningAnd the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderatormod
edited April 2011
Some of these are way, way out of line for this forum, and not what the OP was asking for. Cards are going out accordingly.
ceres on
And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
I haven't read the whole thread yet but here is mine:
(Usually following up some kind of love story mention)
It's the same old story:
Boy meets girl
Boy falls in love with girl
Girl pursues marketing career
Girl dies in tragic blimp accident
...
Good Year?
No, bad year
my brother told me this years ago and he has no idea where it's from. Internets to whoever can find the source
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
Bartender says, "What'll it be, boys?"
The first mathematician says, "I'll have a pint."
The second says, "I'll have half a pint."
The third says, "I'll have a quarter of a pint."
Before the fourth mathematician can order, the bartender slams two pints on the counter and says, "Fuck you guys."
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
Bartender says, "What'll it be, boys?"
The first mathematician says, "I'll have a pint."
The second says, "I'll have half a pint."
The third says, "I'll have a quarter of a pint."
Before the fourth mathematician can order, the bartender slams two pints on the counter and says, "Fuck you guys."
I haven't read the whole thread yet but here is mine:
(Usually following up some kind of love story mention)
It's the same old story:
Boy meets girl
Boy falls in love with girl
Girl pursues marketing career
Girl dies in tragic blimp accident
...
Good Year?
No, bad year
my brother told me this years ago and he has no idea where it's from. Internets to whoever can find the source
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
Bartender says, "What'll it be, boys?"
The first mathematician says, "I'll have a pint."
The second says, "I'll have half a pint."
The third says, "I'll have a quarter of a pint."
Before the fourth mathematician can order, the bartender slams two pints on the counter and says, "Fuck you guys."
So a nurse walks into a bank to deposit her pay check after a long, hard 12 hour shift. She reaches into her purse for a pen to sign the check, and instead pulls out a rectal thermometer.
In frustration, she throws her hands into the air and yells, "Great! Some asshole has my pen!"
Two whales walk into a bar. The first turns to the bartender and says, "EEEEeEeeeeeeeeeoooooooo wwobwoobwoob! WwoooooooEEEEEEEEEEEEee eee woobwoobwoobwoob! Oooooooeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ooooooooo! Weeee weeeee wooooo ooob ooobooobooob!
The second whale turns to the first and says, "Shut the fuck up Ted, you're drunk."
Being a girl, this one was always my favorite dirty jokes to tell the "guys". It's long, but my all time favorite. (of course you can change the cities):
One day a girl runs into the doctor's office panicking, "Doctor you have to help me!" She rips open her shirt and there is a big O on her chest. The Doctor ask's how the hell she got that.
"Well my boyfriend from Ottawa and everytime we have sex he wears that stupid shirt."
He tells her use soap and water and it will be gone in a few days.
Later on another girl runs into the doctor's office panicking, "Doctor you have to help me!" She rips open her shirt and there is a big T on her chest. The Doctor asks how the hell she got that.
"Well my boyfriend from Toronto and everytime we have sex he wears that stupid shirt"
He tells her the samething, soap and water and it will be gone in a couple fo days.
Near the end of the day another girl runs into the doctor's office panicking, "Doctor you have to help me!" She rips open her shirt and there is a big W on her chest.
The doctor leans back and smiles, "let me guess... boyfriend from Winnipeg and everytime you two have sex he wears that stupid shirt?"
The girl, "no my girlfriend works at McDonald's"
Sad thing is my Dad is the one that told me this when i was young :P
Smiles, there's mile between the first and last letters.
That one is a groan-inducer but I think it actually works because it is impossible to say the word smiles without smiling and so usually the other person will say smiles to themselves and they can't help but smile even though it is popsicle-stick level humor.
Well here's a joke I heard that I liked, its dirty one.
One day Little Red Riding hood is leaving her home to go to Grandmother's house. Before she walks out her mother says, "Don't go out little red riding hood, the big bad wolf is out there, and if he finds you, he'll pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties, and fuck your little red socks off." Little Red Riding hood says "Don't worry Mom, I gave it covered."
Little Red riding hood walks down the the woods to grandmother's house and runs into the Woodcutter who says "Don't go on little red riding hood, the big bad wolf is out here, and if he finds you, he'll pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties, and fuck your little red socks off." Little Red Riding Hood pulls out a Little Red shotgun and says, "I'm fine, thanks."
As Little Red Riding hood approachs Grandmother's house she runs into the Big Bad Wolf. He says, "You shouldn't have come little red riding hood, I'm going to pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties, and fuck your little red socks off." Little Red Riding hood got on the ground and pulled up her little red dress, pulled down her little red panties, pointed her little red shotgun at the wolf's head and said,
Two whales walk into a bar. The first turns to the bartender and says, "EEEEeEeeeeeeeeeoooooooo wwobwoobwoob! WwoooooooEEEEEEEEEEEEee eee woobwoobwoobwoob! Oooooooeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ooooooooo! Weeee weeeee wooooo ooob ooobooobooob!
The second whale turns to the first and says, "Shut the fuck up Ted, you're drunk."
That one made me laugh more than anything else here.
I am ashamed.
Raynaga on
0
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Mike Danger"Diane..."a place both wonderful and strangeRegistered Userregular
edited April 2011
Oh, man, I just thought of another good one I heard recently.
---
In the locker room at the gym, there's a phone ringing a few lockers over. A guy picks it up and says, "Hello?"
He listens for a minute and then puts it on speakerphone. "Oh, yeah, tell me how your mall trip was, honey," he says.
"It was great!" says the voice of a woman on the other end. "I found the nicest ring at the jewelry store - it was only $4000."
"Go ahead and put it on the card," he says, "I like for you to have nice things."
"And there was a fur coat, too, that I really liked. That was $4000, though!"
"Put that on the card, too," he says, "your birthday's coming up and everything."
"And then on my way out I saw signs about a new housing development opening up down by the shore that's close to the country club..."
"If you're still there, go back inside and put down a down payment. I've always wanted a place by the shore anyhow."
"Thanks, you're the best!" she says. "I love you so much!"
"Love you too, honey, bye now!"
The guy walks out from behind the lockers. "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
A salesman is in Georgia on his way to Florida. (At this point I usually interject something topical, such as the state of the economy, how he is depending on making a big sale to support his family back home, etc.) He's been driving for hours down a deserted highway when he sees a sign, "Peaches: Any Flavor. Five Miles." The salesman continues on the road, until he comes to another sign, "Peaches: Any Flavor. Two Miles." Incredulous, the salesman keeps driving, and sees a third sign, "Peaches: Any Flavor. Turn Here." It's been a long day on the road, and the salesman decides to indulge his curiosity. He turns and travels down a dirt road, passing the largest peach orchard he's ever seen. Finally he comes to the farm house, where another hand painted sign advertises "Peaches: Any Flavor. 25 Cents." The porch of the house is overflowing with baskets of peaches, and in the center seated comfortably in a rocking chair is the farmer.
"Any flavor?" the salesman inquires. The farmer simply nods. "How about strawberry?" The farmer barely extends his arm, taking a peach off the top of a nearby basket and throws it to the salesman. The salesman bites into the peach, and it tastes exactly like a fresh strawberry, sweet and tart in equal measure. The salesman devours the peach with gusto.
"That was delicious! Do you have blueberry?" Again the farmer nods, and throws the salesman a peach from a nearby basket. The salesman tastes the peach, and it tastes exactly like blueberries.
"Avocado," the salesman challenges. The farmer stands, walks a few steps, and throws a peach. It is ripe avocado. "Beef!" The farmer produces one. Perfect. "Nutmeg!" The very same.
Nearing defeat, the salesman asks for peanut butter and jelly. The farmer walks to a far basket, produces a peach, and throws it to the salesman. He bites into it, and experiences the wonderful taste of peanut butter. "That was the best peanut butter I've ever had! But where's the jelly?"
The farmer gives a slight smile, and replies "flip it over." The salesman does, and tastes homemade grape jelly.
Defeated at last, the salesman admits "I guess you really do have every flavor." The farmer simply smiles. After a moment, the salesman glances at the farmer. "One last request. Do you have one that tastes like pussy?"
The farmer frowns in thought, then walks to the back of the porch looking first at one basket, then another. Finally he reaches into a basket, pulls out a peach from the very bottom, and tosses it to the salesman.
Grinning in anticipation, the salesman bites into the peach and immediately spits it out, gagging. "What the hell! This tastes like shit!" The farmer nods and replies, "flip it over."
Wanna hear a dirty joke? A horse was playing in the mud.
Wanna hear a clean joke? The horse took a bath.
Wanna hear a cleaner joke? The horse took a bath with bubbles.
Wanna hear a dirty joke? "Bubbles" is the horse next door.
Aurora Borealisruns and runs and runs awayBrooklynRegistered Userregular
edited April 2011
So this bear is chasing this bunny through the woods and as they run they pass over a magic ring of fairy toadstools. A fairy pops up and says that she is going to grant both of them three wishes. The bear insists on wishing for the first wish, since he is bigger and better. Bunny agrees that he can go first, but only if they alternate wishes.
Bear thinks hard about his first wish. He decides that the thing he loves most in all the world is sex and he wants to have more of it. "Aha!" says the bear. "I know! I wish that all the bears in this whole forest except me were female."
And Poof! It is so. every bear in the forest is female. Bear has just become much in demand.
Bunny takes no time at all wishing for his wish. "I wish I had a custom Harley." Bunny says.
And Poof! It is so. A bright red Harley Davidson, shining with chrome, appears. It is just the perfect size, the seat is comfy and it even has a full tank of gas. Bunny is very happy.
Again Bear thinks long and hard about his next wish. "Come to think of it, this whole forest just isn't enough." Bear says. "There's only like, 10 or 12 bears here in total. And they're not all going to be attractive either. I'm going to get tired of that eventually. Soooo I gues for my next wish, I wish instead that every bear on this entire continent excepting me was female!"
And Poof! It is so. Bear begins to get excited. No rejections for him this mating season! He is gonna be the king!
Bunny looks up from the seat of his Harley and says "Think I'm gonna need me a helmet and some leathers if I'm gonna ride this Harley."
And Poof! It is so. A helmet, pants, a jacket and a kick-ass pair of boots appear. No detail has been ommitted- there are even slots in the helmet to accommodate his ears. Bunny puts it all on and revs up the hog. Oh, it is a good good feeling!
Bear is getting more and more excited by the second, think about all the sweet sweet tail he is gonna get. He blurts out his next wish in a frenzy.
"I wish that ev'ry bear in this entire world 'cept me was female!! There'll be no stopping me now!
Bunny smiles beneath his helmet, and just before he hits the gas and roars away, he makes his final wish.
Charlie goes to the doctor because he has been having terrible headaches. He sits down, all worried that he has a tumor, and the doctor runs tests on him. The doctor leaves the room for awhile, then comes back in.
The doctor says, "Charlie, I think we've got this figured out. It's a rare condition and it's tough to diagnose, but you're lucky, because I had this exact same problem about two years ago. And the cure is real easy."
Charlie asks, "What did you do to get rid of them?"
"Well, I'd go home and ask my wife to squeeze her thighs together real hard on my head while I was eating her pussy. After about ten minutes, we'd stop and my headache would be gone. Had to do it for a few months, and you have to make sure she squeezes real hard the whole time, but it won't be long until they're all gone," the doctor replied.
Charlie says "Okay" and takes off from the office.
About two months later, Charlie comes back into the doctor for another problem. The doctor asks, "Charlie, how have those headaches been?"
Charlie says, "They're almost gone. It's a miracle cure! And, might I add, you have a beautiful home!"
Two whales walk into a bar. The first turns to the bartender and says, "EEEEeEeeeeeeeeeoooooooo wwobwoobwoob! WwoooooooEEEEEEEEEEEEee eee woobwoobwoobwoob! Oooooooeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ooooooooo! Weeee weeeee wooooo ooob ooobooobooob!
The second whale turns to the first and says, "Shut the fuck up Ted, you're drunk."
That one made me laugh more than anything else here.
I am ashamed.
Same here. Here's mine I like to tell.
A little pig walks into a bar and asks the bartender for 3 beers. He finishes them in about 10 minutes and then asks the bartender where the bathroom is. Bartender says, down the back hall, first door on the left. The pig pays with a generous tip, gets up and when he's done in the bathroom leaves. Bartender thinks that was the easiest customer all day.
A second little pig walks into the bar and also asks for 3 beers. Finishes them in 10 minutes and asks for the bathroom. "Down the hall, first door on the left". The pig pays (with tip) and goes to the bathroom and leaves.
A THIRD little pig walks into the bar and also asks for 3 beers. Finishes them in 10 minutes and asks for the bathroom. "Down the hall, first door on the left". The pig pays (with tip) and goes to the bathroom and leaves. The bartender doesn't know what's with the group of pigs but they're good customers.
A Forth little pig walks into the bar and also asks for 3 beers. Finishes them in 10 minutes and asks for the bathroom. "Down the hall, first door on the left". The pig pays (with tip) and goes to the bathroom and leaves. At this rate, the bartender hopes that the rest of the day is nothing but pigs.
A fifth pig walks into the bar and asks for 3 beers. He finishes them, pays and gets up to leave. The bartender asks right before he gets to the door "Aren't you going to ask where the bathroom is?" The fifth pig replies:
"No I'm the fifth little pig, I go wee wee wee all the way home"
The infinite mathmeticians joke is awesome. Here's one of my favorites, but I can't actually tell it.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
The!
The Who?
YEEEEAAHH!
Unfortunately that one only works if you can do the ending right, and I am totally incapable of it so it just doesn't come off. Doesn't work too well written out, either.
A guy from Montreal and a guy from Vancouver walk into the same junk booth at a flea market at the same time and find a magic lamp for sale. While they're fighting over who found it first, they accidentally rub the lamp and make a genie appear. The genie says, "Well, you both rubbed the lamp, so you both get a wish."
The guy from Montreal says: "Alright, me first. I want you to put a twenty foot wall around Montreal -- no, around the whole of Quebec! -- so we don't have to associate with the rest of the stupid English-speaking Canadians."
The genie snaps his fingers and announces: "Alright. Quebec is now entirely surrounded by a twenty foot wall." He turns man from Vancouver and asks, "What is your wish?"
The man from Vancouver says: "Fill it with water."
This one requires you to say the dialogue parts in your best approximation of a Quebec accent.
Pierre and Jacques are out in the forest, hunting, and get lost. Try as they might, they just can't find their way out. The hours of wandering turn into days, the days into weeks. They've run out of what little supplies they had with them and trudge along, exhausted, dehydrated, on the brink of passing out.
"It is 'opeless," Pierre mourns. "We will never get out of 'ere alive."
Suddenly, Jacques sees something in the distance. He points with one hand and frantically grabs Pierre with the other.
"Pierre, look! We are saved! It is a bacon tree!"
With renewed energy, Jacques makes a bee-line for the tree and is promptly cut down by gunfire. As he lies on the forest floor, bleeding out, he croaks back to Pierre:
Posts
Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken
"Looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin starts wiping his mouth(you can just wipe your mouth and say the penguin's line)
"No, it's just ice cream!"
I just about died. Oh my god.
Obviously, this one is better told than read.
Xbox Gamertag: GAMB1NO325Xi
A piece of string walks into a bar, sits in front of the bartender and orders a drink.
The surly bartender gives him the stink eye and says, "We don't serve your kind 'round here."
The string leaves the bar. Once outside he tangles himself up and messes up his hair. He re-enters the bar, at which point the bartender sees him again and shouts, "Hey, didn't I just tell you we don't serve your kind round here?!"
The string replies,
Jesus and Moses have taken an old man out for a round of golf. They get to a beautiful par 3 that's got a island for the green. Moses tees up first, and ker-plunk - right in the drink. He walks up to the edge of the water, raises his arms and parts the pond and then chips in for a birdie.
Jesus is up next, and makes the identical shot as Moses - dead in the water. Instead of taking the penalty, he walks over to his ball, adjusts his stance for standing a foot or so above it, and chips it right in for a birdie.
The old man, quaking at the sight of these two great golfers, tees up for his shot. Same trajectory - aimed right for the water. However, at the last second the lake trout inhabiting the water jumps up and catches the ball in it's mouth. Before it can land, a great bald eagle swoops down and catches the trout in it's claws and swoops back up to the sky. Thunderclouds form, and with a bolt of lightning the eagle is struck down, landing on the green. The ball rolls out from the trout's mouth and into the cup.
The old man makes his way to the other two men, waiting for him at the next tee. Jesus looks sternly at him and says,
Mmmmm....toasty.
"I have a confession to make" he says "I am not a catholic, I am a mormon. Not only am I married, but I have three wives."
The Nun seems nonchalant about this revalation
"That's okay, my name is Ted and I am on my way to a costume party."
(I sometimes change the name of the Nun to be the name of a friend present at the time.)
Anyway, he finds himself, perhaps not surprisingly, in Hell. The Devil is giving him a tour of his new eternal residence, and finally takes him to a hallway with 3 doors. The Devil says "behind each of these doors is an individual receiving their own unique eternal punishment. I'm in a good mood, and I'm going to let you choose yours. I'll show you what's happening in each room, and you will have the option of trading places with one of the damned. Sound good?"
Bush figures maybe one of them won't be too terrible, so he agrees. The Devil opens Door #1. Bush looks inside, and sees Richard Nixon, chained to a wall, naked, with demons giving him paper cuts all over every square centimeter of his body.
The Devil opens Door #2, and Bush, to his horror, sees Gerald Ford, his body cut open, and his entrails being gnawed on by hell-wolves, as he screams in agony (he was delicious).
Finally, the Devil opens Door #3. Bush looks inside, and sees Bill Clinton, lying on a bed, with Monica Lewenski doing what she does best. Clinton looks pretty happy.
The Devils says "It's time to choose." Bush says "Well, of course, I'm going with #3"
"Very well," says the Devil...
Get out
Battle.net: Fireflash#1425
Steam Friend code: 45386507
That one took me a second.
Then I felt bad for laughing.
It's the same old story:
Boy meets girl
Boy falls in love with girl
Girl pursues marketing career
Girl dies in tragic blimp accident
...
Good Year?
No, bad year
*rimshot*
Xbox Gamertag: GAMB1NO325Xi
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
Bartender says, "What'll it be, boys?"
The first mathematician says, "I'll have a pint."
The second says, "I'll have half a pint."
The third says, "I'll have a quarter of a pint."
Before the fourth mathematician can order, the bartender slams two pints on the counter and says, "Fuck you guys."
I really like this one, my favorite so far.
Naked Gun.
And 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy
yep, that's the best one
In frustration, she throws her hands into the air and yells, "Great! Some asshole has my pen!"
Two whales walk into a bar. The first turns to the bartender and says, "EEEEeEeeeeeeeeeoooooooo wwobwoobwoob! WwoooooooEEEEEEEEEEEEee eee woobwoobwoobwoob! Oooooooeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ooooooooo! Weeee weeeee wooooo ooob ooobooobooob!
The second whale turns to the first and says, "Shut the fuck up Ted, you're drunk."
"Well my boyfriend from Ottawa and everytime we have sex he wears that stupid shirt."
He tells her use soap and water and it will be gone in a few days.
Later on another girl runs into the doctor's office panicking, "Doctor you have to help me!" She rips open her shirt and there is a big T on her chest. The Doctor asks how the hell she got that.
"Well my boyfriend from Toronto and everytime we have sex he wears that stupid shirt"
He tells her the samething, soap and water and it will be gone in a couple fo days.
Near the end of the day another girl runs into the doctor's office panicking, "Doctor you have to help me!" She rips open her shirt and there is a big W on her chest.
The doctor leans back and smiles, "let me guess... boyfriend from Winnipeg and everytime you two have sex he wears that stupid shirt?"
The girl, "no my girlfriend works at McDonald's"
Sad thing is my Dad is the one that told me this when i was young :P
Smiles, there's mile between the first and last letters.
That one is a groan-inducer but I think it actually works because it is impossible to say the word smiles without smiling and so usually the other person will say smiles to themselves and they can't help but smile even though it is popsicle-stick level humor.
Little Red riding hood walks down the the woods to grandmother's house and runs into the Woodcutter who says "Don't go on little red riding hood, the big bad wolf is out here, and if he finds you, he'll pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties, and fuck your little red socks off." Little Red Riding Hood pulls out a Little Red shotgun and says, "I'm fine, thanks."
As Little Red Riding hood approachs Grandmother's house she runs into the Big Bad Wolf. He says, "You shouldn't have come little red riding hood, I'm going to pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties, and fuck your little red socks off." Little Red Riding hood got on the ground and pulled up her little red dress, pulled down her little red panties, pointed her little red shotgun at the wolf's head and said,
That one made me laugh more than anything else here.
I am ashamed.
---
In the locker room at the gym, there's a phone ringing a few lockers over. A guy picks it up and says, "Hello?"
He listens for a minute and then puts it on speakerphone. "Oh, yeah, tell me how your mall trip was, honey," he says.
"It was great!" says the voice of a woman on the other end. "I found the nicest ring at the jewelry store - it was only $4000."
"Go ahead and put it on the card," he says, "I like for you to have nice things."
"And there was a fur coat, too, that I really liked. That was $4000, though!"
"Put that on the card, too," he says, "your birthday's coming up and everything."
"And then on my way out I saw signs about a new housing development opening up down by the shore that's close to the country club..."
"If you're still there, go back inside and put down a down payment. I've always wanted a place by the shore anyhow."
"Thanks, you're the best!" she says. "I love you so much!"
"Love you too, honey, bye now!"
A salesman is in Georgia on his way to Florida. (At this point I usually interject something topical, such as the state of the economy, how he is depending on making a big sale to support his family back home, etc.) He's been driving for hours down a deserted highway when he sees a sign, "Peaches: Any Flavor. Five Miles." The salesman continues on the road, until he comes to another sign, "Peaches: Any Flavor. Two Miles." Incredulous, the salesman keeps driving, and sees a third sign, "Peaches: Any Flavor. Turn Here." It's been a long day on the road, and the salesman decides to indulge his curiosity. He turns and travels down a dirt road, passing the largest peach orchard he's ever seen. Finally he comes to the farm house, where another hand painted sign advertises "Peaches: Any Flavor. 25 Cents." The porch of the house is overflowing with baskets of peaches, and in the center seated comfortably in a rocking chair is the farmer.
"Any flavor?" the salesman inquires. The farmer simply nods. "How about strawberry?" The farmer barely extends his arm, taking a peach off the top of a nearby basket and throws it to the salesman. The salesman bites into the peach, and it tastes exactly like a fresh strawberry, sweet and tart in equal measure. The salesman devours the peach with gusto.
"That was delicious! Do you have blueberry?" Again the farmer nods, and throws the salesman a peach from a nearby basket. The salesman tastes the peach, and it tastes exactly like blueberries.
"Avocado," the salesman challenges. The farmer stands, walks a few steps, and throws a peach. It is ripe avocado. "Beef!" The farmer produces one. Perfect. "Nutmeg!" The very same.
Nearing defeat, the salesman asks for peanut butter and jelly. The farmer walks to a far basket, produces a peach, and throws it to the salesman. He bites into it, and experiences the wonderful taste of peanut butter. "That was the best peanut butter I've ever had! But where's the jelly?"
The farmer gives a slight smile, and replies "flip it over." The salesman does, and tastes homemade grape jelly.
Defeated at last, the salesman admits "I guess you really do have every flavor." The farmer simply smiles. After a moment, the salesman glances at the farmer. "One last request. Do you have one that tastes like pussy?"
The farmer frowns in thought, then walks to the back of the porch looking first at one basket, then another. Finally he reaches into a basket, pulls out a peach from the very bottom, and tosses it to the salesman.
Grinning in anticipation, the salesman bites into the peach and immediately spits it out, gagging. "What the hell! This tastes like shit!" The farmer nods and replies, "flip it over."
You sure had an interesting childhood.
Wanna hear a clean joke? The horse took a bath.
Wanna hear a cleaner joke? The horse took a bath with bubbles.
Wanna hear a dirty joke? "Bubbles" is the horse next door.
You grow up fast round these parts.
I saw a flat dog today. Know how I knew he was flat?
Whats gray and comes in quarts?
3DS: 1521-4165-5907
PS3: KayleSolo
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WiiU: KayleSolo
Bear thinks hard about his first wish. He decides that the thing he loves most in all the world is sex and he wants to have more of it. "Aha!" says the bear. "I know! I wish that all the bears in this whole forest except me were female."
And Poof! It is so. every bear in the forest is female. Bear has just become much in demand.
Bunny takes no time at all wishing for his wish. "I wish I had a custom Harley." Bunny says.
And Poof! It is so. A bright red Harley Davidson, shining with chrome, appears. It is just the perfect size, the seat is comfy and it even has a full tank of gas. Bunny is very happy.
Again Bear thinks long and hard about his next wish. "Come to think of it, this whole forest just isn't enough." Bear says. "There's only like, 10 or 12 bears here in total. And they're not all going to be attractive either. I'm going to get tired of that eventually. Soooo I gues for my next wish, I wish instead that every bear on this entire continent excepting me was female!"
And Poof! It is so. Bear begins to get excited. No rejections for him this mating season! He is gonna be the king!
Bunny looks up from the seat of his Harley and says "Think I'm gonna need me a helmet and some leathers if I'm gonna ride this Harley."
And Poof! It is so. A helmet, pants, a jacket and a kick-ass pair of boots appear. No detail has been ommitted- there are even slots in the helmet to accommodate his ears. Bunny puts it all on and revs up the hog. Oh, it is a good good feeling!
Bear is getting more and more excited by the second, think about all the sweet sweet tail he is gonna get. He blurts out his next wish in a frenzy.
"I wish that ev'ry bear in this entire world 'cept me was female!! There'll be no stopping me now!
Bunny smiles beneath his helmet, and just before he hits the gas and roars away, he makes his final wish.
"I wish that bear were gay."
The doctor says, "Charlie, I think we've got this figured out. It's a rare condition and it's tough to diagnose, but you're lucky, because I had this exact same problem about two years ago. And the cure is real easy."
Charlie asks, "What did you do to get rid of them?"
"Well, I'd go home and ask my wife to squeeze her thighs together real hard on my head while I was eating her pussy. After about ten minutes, we'd stop and my headache would be gone. Had to do it for a few months, and you have to make sure she squeezes real hard the whole time, but it won't be long until they're all gone," the doctor replied.
Charlie says "Okay" and takes off from the office.
About two months later, Charlie comes back into the doctor for another problem. The doctor asks, "Charlie, how have those headaches been?"
Charlie says, "They're almost gone. It's a miracle cure! And, might I add, you have a beautiful home!"
Same here. Here's mine I like to tell.
A little pig walks into a bar and asks the bartender for 3 beers. He finishes them in about 10 minutes and then asks the bartender where the bathroom is. Bartender says, down the back hall, first door on the left. The pig pays with a generous tip, gets up and when he's done in the bathroom leaves. Bartender thinks that was the easiest customer all day.
A second little pig walks into the bar and also asks for 3 beers. Finishes them in 10 minutes and asks for the bathroom. "Down the hall, first door on the left". The pig pays (with tip) and goes to the bathroom and leaves.
A THIRD little pig walks into the bar and also asks for 3 beers. Finishes them in 10 minutes and asks for the bathroom. "Down the hall, first door on the left". The pig pays (with tip) and goes to the bathroom and leaves. The bartender doesn't know what's with the group of pigs but they're good customers.
A Forth little pig walks into the bar and also asks for 3 beers. Finishes them in 10 minutes and asks for the bathroom. "Down the hall, first door on the left". The pig pays (with tip) and goes to the bathroom and leaves. At this rate, the bartender hopes that the rest of the day is nothing but pigs.
A fifth pig walks into the bar and asks for 3 beers. He finishes them, pays and gets up to leave. The bartender asks right before he gets to the door "Aren't you going to ask where the bathroom is?" The fifth pig replies:
Q: What do you call an insomniac, dyslexic agnostic?
A: Someone who stays up all night wondering if there's a Dog.
Who's there?
The!
The Who?
YEEEEAAHH!
I prefer the original...
What's brown and sticky?
The guy from Montreal says: "Alright, me first. I want you to put a twenty foot wall around Montreal -- no, around the whole of Quebec! -- so we don't have to associate with the rest of the stupid English-speaking Canadians."
The genie snaps his fingers and announces: "Alright. Quebec is now entirely surrounded by a twenty foot wall." He turns man from Vancouver and asks, "What is your wish?"
The man from Vancouver says: "Fill it with water."
Pierre and Jacques are out in the forest, hunting, and get lost. Try as they might, they just can't find their way out. The hours of wandering turn into days, the days into weeks. They've run out of what little supplies they had with them and trudge along, exhausted, dehydrated, on the brink of passing out.
"It is 'opeless," Pierre mourns. "We will never get out of 'ere alive."
Suddenly, Jacques sees something in the distance. He points with one hand and frantically grabs Pierre with the other.
"Pierre, look! We are saved! It is a bacon tree!"
With renewed energy, Jacques makes a bee-line for the tree and is promptly cut down by gunfire. As he lies on the forest floor, bleeding out, he croaks back to Pierre:
"It is not a bacon tree... It is a hambush."
Do... Re... Mi... So... Fa.... Do... Re.... Do...
Forget it...