The new forums will be named Coin Return (based on the most recent vote)! You can check on the status and timeline of the transition to the new forums here.
The Guiding Principles and New Rules document is now in effect.
Keeping an amicable divorce amicable
EggyToast
Jersey CityRegistered User regular
Jersey CityRegistered User regular
My wife and I, after being together for 11 years with almost 5 years of marriage, have decided to split up. Since it's going to be asked anyway, a brief background:
We've had the occasional fight and dispute, like any couple, but have realized over time that ultimately the problems that we're having in our relationship are due to a difference in both personality and life goals. We've realized that even though we both like each other and get along well, with a lot in common, we simply don't connect as a couple. That's part of the reason we had such a long time of being together without any serious fights about breaking up, and have been talking seriously about whether we were right for each other in 2010 with, due to a forced split thanks to new jobs in different cities, the idea to casually separate for a couple months and evaluate our relationship without worrying about upsetting the person in the other room.
In January, my wife said that she thought we maybe shouldn't've gotten married, which caused me to be pretty sad, but after having our time apart I not only saw that she was right for her own point of view, it was simply the right decision to make. Last week I told her that I thought she was right, and we basically agreed immediately that it was the right decision for the both of us.
Of course, after making the decision, the tension between us disappeared. We're living as roommates for now, due to financial reasons, and have actually gotten along really well -- not because we want to get back together, but because we've accepted that we work best as good friends. That's led to some sadness and tears, as we both admit that it's sad that we can only have good, meaningful conversations about the relationship and the future after we've agreed we're splitting up! But ultimately, it's confirmed the fact that if we're both very happy knowing the relationship is finished, it's really the right thing to do.
So, that brief overview out of the way, I'm not asking for advice to "fix" the relationship, or for advice on connecting with her better. We've tried many things and we're both good at communicating our feelings, emotions, and opinions. I'm also not asking for advice that ignores the fact that we're so far very amicable and are currently living together as roommates, suggesting that I "move out tomorrow" because it'll be "hell" if I don't.
We currently have a two bed, two bath apartment that we've split into our own rooms, where we sleep and have some privacy and space. We're currently splitting most of the food, and while the plan is to separate the car insurance and cell phone bills, we don't have any joint financial accounts. With one caveat -- a house, that just went under contract this morning.
The house we're selling and walking away from (I think we'll get a check for about two thousand dollars), but it's emblematic of our current financial situation. We both make a lot more money than we have in the past, but we've just moved, funds are very tight, and we don't have liquid savings we can tap to support one of us moving out immediately. We've done the math, and it looks like I can move out on August 1st -- assuming the house sells, we continue to live cheaply (we've both agreed to do so), and we're not waylaid by calamity. That means we'll be living together for over two more months.
We're friendly now, and we get along well socially, and we're both very rational people when it comes to approaching the split. We've already done an inventory of big items for splitting between us, and it went well. However, as more people are told of the situation and as the house sells, Aug. 1st approaches, and we begin to truly split things, I'm worried about maintaining the friendly relationship. I would love to split from my wife and be able to keep her as a friend (and yes, with no pretense of creating a new relationship).
So, the advice that I'm looking for is what people think is "best practices" for friendly breakups. Maintain private spaces? Be forthcoming with financial information, as that dictates the timing for the move? Are supportive hugs OK, when requested?
Part of the reason I'm not entirely sure is that neither of us has had roommates in the past.
tl;dr: We realized our marriage was doomed to unhappiness and both agreed to divorce, amicably, which cheered us up a lot, despite the uncertainties of the future. How do we best maintain said cheeriness, despite being forced to live together for another couple months?
We've had the occasional fight and dispute, like any couple, but have realized over time that ultimately the problems that we're having in our relationship are due to a difference in both personality and life goals. We've realized that even though we both like each other and get along well, with a lot in common, we simply don't connect as a couple. That's part of the reason we had such a long time of being together without any serious fights about breaking up, and have been talking seriously about whether we were right for each other in 2010 with, due to a forced split thanks to new jobs in different cities, the idea to casually separate for a couple months and evaluate our relationship without worrying about upsetting the person in the other room.
In January, my wife said that she thought we maybe shouldn't've gotten married, which caused me to be pretty sad, but after having our time apart I not only saw that she was right for her own point of view, it was simply the right decision to make. Last week I told her that I thought she was right, and we basically agreed immediately that it was the right decision for the both of us.
Of course, after making the decision, the tension between us disappeared. We're living as roommates for now, due to financial reasons, and have actually gotten along really well -- not because we want to get back together, but because we've accepted that we work best as good friends. That's led to some sadness and tears, as we both admit that it's sad that we can only have good, meaningful conversations about the relationship and the future after we've agreed we're splitting up! But ultimately, it's confirmed the fact that if we're both very happy knowing the relationship is finished, it's really the right thing to do.
So, that brief overview out of the way, I'm not asking for advice to "fix" the relationship, or for advice on connecting with her better. We've tried many things and we're both good at communicating our feelings, emotions, and opinions. I'm also not asking for advice that ignores the fact that we're so far very amicable and are currently living together as roommates, suggesting that I "move out tomorrow" because it'll be "hell" if I don't.
We currently have a two bed, two bath apartment that we've split into our own rooms, where we sleep and have some privacy and space. We're currently splitting most of the food, and while the plan is to separate the car insurance and cell phone bills, we don't have any joint financial accounts. With one caveat -- a house, that just went under contract this morning.
The house we're selling and walking away from (I think we'll get a check for about two thousand dollars), but it's emblematic of our current financial situation. We both make a lot more money than we have in the past, but we've just moved, funds are very tight, and we don't have liquid savings we can tap to support one of us moving out immediately. We've done the math, and it looks like I can move out on August 1st -- assuming the house sells, we continue to live cheaply (we've both agreed to do so), and we're not waylaid by calamity. That means we'll be living together for over two more months.
We're friendly now, and we get along well socially, and we're both very rational people when it comes to approaching the split. We've already done an inventory of big items for splitting between us, and it went well. However, as more people are told of the situation and as the house sells, Aug. 1st approaches, and we begin to truly split things, I'm worried about maintaining the friendly relationship. I would love to split from my wife and be able to keep her as a friend (and yes, with no pretense of creating a new relationship).
So, the advice that I'm looking for is what people think is "best practices" for friendly breakups. Maintain private spaces? Be forthcoming with financial information, as that dictates the timing for the move? Are supportive hugs OK, when requested?
Part of the reason I'm not entirely sure is that neither of us has had roommates in the past.
tl;dr: We realized our marriage was doomed to unhappiness and both agreed to divorce, amicably, which cheered us up a lot, despite the uncertainties of the future. How do we best maintain said cheeriness, despite being forced to live together for another couple months?
|| Flickr — || PSN: EggyToast
EggyToast on
0
Posts
The good news is that there aren't any kids involved, and the financial assets are modest. So, there is a lot less to fight over. I'm assuming neither one of you will be seeking financial support in the divorce settlement. You're basically at break even on the home sale, so once that's done you'll be divying up the lamps and such. None of that stuff is really worth fighting over. It doesn't sound like your wife is being irrational in any way, but if she does dig in her heels on a lamp or chair or something, the best approach is to probably let it go.
From your OP, you both seem to be handling things like adults. I'm not sure there's anything more you really need to be doing, other than sorting out the final logistics.
Rigorous Scholarship
We started dating when we were 20, and then moved far away from family about 2 years afterward. I would both agree and disagree with the "starter" label; agree in the sense that we both realized, by maturing, that aspects of our personality were simply "who we were" rather than "things we could change," and disagree in the sense that we weren't each other's first relationship and we cohabitated for a long time prior to marriage. Alas.
And yes, we actually both make about the same money, which is more than enough for us to each support ourselves separately, thankfully. I'd like to think I'm not being irrational either, and it feels that since we just moved, we did a lot of "is this yours or mine" sorting already (since if no one wanted it, we didn't want to move it!).
What about living space, eating together, or hanging out? We're friendly, but I'm worried that if we spend too much time together we'll get too used to being roommates (making it harder for one of us to move out). Conversely, I'm also worried that if I try to set up firmer barriers or do things separately "just because," it'll make it more emotionally difficult as well.
Thankfully neither of us has expressed an interested in dating in the near term...
That really sucks, Eggy, but if anyone will handle it well and maturely, I'd have picked you. Still...
We're actually both in much better moods, which is sad, but ultimately what I think sucks is that we didn't realize it sooner. On the flip side, our basic incompatibility is the sort of thing that you can't even see until you've been together for a long time and really know the other person.
I'll have to remember your sentiment, though. "Eggy, now there's a guy who could get divorced well!"
The key is to just agree on everything you want to split up (start thinking about more than personal possessions), including retirement investments (pensions, 401k etc), large personal property (cars), removing each other as insurance beneficiaries, marital debt, student loan debt etc. In my case the couple had decided on a pretty even split, guy got the condo but also refinanced her name off of the mortgage, she took her med school debt, split the cars evenly, and each kept all of their own respective retirement accounts.
Once you've got everything pretty much agreed on tell an attorney you want to do an uncontested divorce. They are so simple, and can probably be done for $1000 or less, and in a very short time (ymmv depending on your state and county.) Then you'll just do a simple prove-up hearing and be done.
tldr; this is not legal advice. agree on splitting everything you guys can even think of, go to an attorney and ask for an uncontested divorce.
Might it be worth some counseling before you guys get a divorce?
Maybe you're both in better moods because you both got something off your chests?
Aside from being the unicorn in this thread I have nothing else to offer about actually being amicable to each other.
It sounds like you are both mature people and are making the best of a bad situation.
I wish you both the best.
Regardless, accept that you might get screwed on something and just move on. Getting past this is more important than fighting over the dishware.
So um...how tasteless is it to make a joke about the Internet Dating thread?
Happy to hear that, while a bit melancholy, things are going in the right direction.
Shawnasee: We tried a lot of things last year, and we've def. tried to be communicative and open about the situation. Because we've had good communication where we sat down and honestly talked about how we felt, we felt that counseling wouldn't really change things -- after all, a good counselor is about bringing the communication gap. We didn't have that sort of gap.
Skoal Cat: It's not tasteless at all, and I actually have a rebut to your joke. If anything, my experience in my own relationship gives me even more awareness of what works and what doesn't work for getting along with someone ;D The thing is, I still like thinking about how people work together, and understanding that aspect of relationships. That's one of the reasons I'm trying to be cognizant of what it takes for me and my wife to remain friends. It seems like it's going to be the case -- how do I make sure we end this without hating each other? And yes, if one of us were to hit up the Internet Dating thread and start meeting random people and bringing them home, that would be... awkward!
Sky: Thanks! I know some people feel that when it comes to a divorce, you need both parties to move on as soon as possible. I certainly consider it good advice to hear that you think it's fine to appreciate the good stuff while moving on.
(and good news is, my ex and I still chat from time to time. Not a lot, but I've swung by his place to give him cash [we had a house, I kept it and paid him for the portion of the down payment he put into it] or his mail, and every time we've ended up talking for an hour or more. Without major awkwardness. It just takes some time and the right amount of distance)
Well if it's that cut and dried it should be even easier. It might even be possible for you guys to file and complete the uncontested divorce yourself without an attorney, I absolutely can't even recommend it, but plenty of people do it and get help from legal aid clinics that usually have time a couple times a month at the local courthouses to help people with stuff like this. But whether you have an attorney or not, there will need to be a settlement agreement outlining all the splits (including the retirement accounts, credit card debt, etc) because even if they are in your own names, it's possible that a judge can apportion it if asked to as marital property/debt. *mandatory disclaimer: not legal advice, seek counsel, blah blah blah*
You're amicable, she's amicable, you get along great as friends, no kids to suffer emotionally over this. Sounds like the perfect divorce!