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dealing with parent's affair
runnorthgod
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So I was essentially raised in a vigorously fundamentalist Christian home, a mentality which I have since then grown out of and rejected.
I recently became aware of the fact that over ten years ago my mother had cheated on my father with one of my (at the time) best friend's parents. I've basically spent the last six days in a blindly paralyzed drunken state, unable to remember most activities and rejecting the fact that my mom could do something like that while I was still friends with these people and not tell me.
Does anyone have any experience with this kind of a situation? I've basically been drinking myself to sleep every night since then and cannot force myself to go to work today on the basis that if I have to deal with anyone I might snap and get fired.
I recently became aware of the fact that over ten years ago my mother had cheated on my father with one of my (at the time) best friend's parents. I've basically spent the last six days in a blindly paralyzed drunken state, unable to remember most activities and rejecting the fact that my mom could do something like that while I was still friends with these people and not tell me.
Does anyone have any experience with this kind of a situation? I've basically been drinking myself to sleep every night since then and cannot force myself to go to work today on the basis that if I have to deal with anyone I might snap and get fired.
runnorthgod on
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I don't mean to be cold or crass, just straightforward in that she's an adult, as flawed a human as any of us, and she made that choice. It's not something you have to like, and I imagine she's none to happy about her dirty laundry being aired, but it's not indicative of anything on you.
You survived (and eventually rejected) a hardcore religious upbringing. Surely a little thing like an affair in the past isn't something that should be crushing your ability to live and cope aside from drinking yourself into a hazy stupor.
... now if she'd been having an affair with your friend himself, that'd be pretty damned weird.
Fake edit: *I note that you say "one of his parents" not "his dad/father". On the off chance it were the case; yes, if she's having an affair with your friend's Mom, I can understand that adding a whole new layer of WTF to the situation, but the above point remains; she's a person and can make choices/mistakes as she sees fit.
This happened years ago. It will never go away or be completely justified. Try to make yourself realize this and do your best to let it go.
Does she see it that way? Did it continue? How does she want to handle this?
What you describe in your second post is far different from the first one.
As for the rape aspect, I see where you are coming from, but if they didn't treat it as such then perhaps you are adding a layer to this that is best left alone.
Christian home, values, always assumed that despite the rough patches they were committed.
If you haven't grown up in a home with very seriously committed fundamentalist Christians you can't understand why this fucks you up despite the fact you left that shit long ago.
Wait wait wait...
So if she was raped it wasn't an affair.
If she was just drunk and made the choice to sleep with the dad then that's an affair.
I understand this is hard but at the same time...10 years ago...how old are you now?
They don't inform me of anything based on my dad's sense of confidentiality and secrecy being a valid way to raise his kids. I don't know anything from how much money they make to who their friends are, if they even have any. And I am in good relations with them as well.
They're still together, too, which is the most baffling part of all of this.
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Sometimes people move past a betrayal for a number of reasons, sometimes they don't. It's impressive that your parents did so, and shouldn't be held against them.
It shouldn't be (that) difficult to get your mind around the idea that at some point, your mother may have had the same realization.
Your parents are people too, and sometimes they do stupid things like have affairs (and then not tell their kids about them because their kids are 13.)
that's why we call it the struggle, you're supposed to sweat
Yeah I'm confused why this is something bad. Your parents are supposedly big christians...one of the biggest cornerstones of their belief is probably forgiveness.
Yes it's shocking a mistake was made. I don't get why them being religious suddenly makes them immune to screwing up.
You responded to nothing else in that post, and those things are terribly, terribly important to keep in mind. If she did not consent, it's not her fault, and you blaming her for it is wrong. Blaming her, setting responsibility with her, and calling it an affair are just flat-out wrong, and you are damaging yourself and you are damaging her if you let her see this.
If it was a drunken fling and she just regards it as a thing that happened that she regrets doing, then she's an adult and so is your father and they've made the decision as adults to deal with it as they have, and it may be a hard thing to learn and deal with but it does not involve you and neither of them deserve your judgment.
Are you angry that you are only now finding out? Like you should have know before?
Are you upset because of the hypocrisy of how you were raised and what happened?
Are you conflicted about the image of your parents as flawless beings, and the reality that the are flawed humans?
I guess I don't understand why this is affecting you so much as to destabilize your world? Especially if you have distanced yourself from them.
In the end, it was something that happened between your mother and this guy. It was none of your business then, and i don't see how its any of your business now. That's probably why they did not tell a 13 year old kid.
would you tell your kid?
You are not responsible, it's not your fault, and it was 10 years ago and something they've moved past. Honestly, it would have been very irresponsible of them to involve you in whatever conversation they had about it when you were 13. The fact that they decided to work through it quietly on their own without involving their children in the process (and essentially turning the house into a warzone, which is very tempting to do when something like this comes up) is... staggeringly admirable. God, your parents did the impossible. It's actually worth being kind of proud of them here.
How did you find out about this?
Lots of people don't report their rapes....its a rather well known fact.
And you introduced them when you were a kid...I dunno how sharp of a tack you were, but you really arent expected to filter the rapist/nonrapist criteria.
Why the hell wouldn't your folks still be together? She gets raped and you expected your old man to bail? What the hell?
She was drunk and called me and told me. But this just adds to the rough abusive shit I dealt with over the years and witnessed against her from my dad. I dunno, I figured there would be an easy solution to deal with the origin of an abusive and fucked up shit that I dealt with for seven years.
Honestly, it's still in the air whether it was consensual or not. I was told the phrases "had an affair" and "took advantage of" and didn't pursue it anymore.
Yeah, see, that's rape. That's not her fault. You really, really should not be mad at her if that's the case.
Rape is an under-reported thing. Not every rape victim calls the cops, and there are a lot of reasons why that happens. I'm not sure what you mean to imply with that statement "didn't do shit about it", but it's still not her fault.
1. yes
2. fucking yes
3. not at all, they are both fucking drunks and have been continuously fighting for years. i just always assumed that the fact they were drunks were the reason they were fighting.
It's a world shattering deal for me, because now I'm aware that despite their massive flaws as parents there was something deeper and not my fault that was the cause for the super rough deal I grew up with.
I'm going to lock this thread until then. I suggest you come back when you feel ready to do so (even if that's 5-10 minutes from now), take a deep breath, make a new one, and start over from the top. We will happily read and listen.