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I used to be so young, how did I get so old?
arghidontknow
Registered User new member
Registered User new member
Hello, and welcome to the nightmares that are my fears and insecurities (this is as assumed name, as I have friends and family who read the internet and know my usual monikers). This is going to be exceptionally rambly, so I apologize in advance.
Basically, I'm 26 years old, and I've wasted the last eight years. I graduated high school as the salutatorian, with the highest SAT score in that little high school's history. I went off to college immediately afterwards like a good student, and promptly failed out. Looking back, I may have had the smarts to succeed, but I didn't have the social and emotional skills. Since then, I've bounced around, doing this and that. I've survived, but not much else.
Failing out was a colossal hit to my self-image. I was always the smart kid in school, that was really the only thing that distinguished me from the others. I shut down almost immediately. I didn't bother to get out and make friends, or develop relationships, because I felt that I had nothing to offer. I let my old friendships (some stretching back to grade school) die. I had failed, was a failure, and it would be best if I just faded to obscurity in some deep hole.
Last summer, I finally started talking to someone about my situation. I had never done this before -- not even my parents knew what had happened. Turns out, it helps. I've started to come to terms with my failure, and the fact that, just perhaps, it wasn't the end of the world that I had imagined.
I went back to the college, applied for and was admitted for re-entry. I'm waiting to hear whether they'll reinstate my financial aid, but the aid associate I talked to sounded fairly optimistic, since it was my first appeal. It really looks like I'll be back in the saddle this fall.
HOWEVER, in no way have my fears died. In fact, in some ways it was far less scary when I had just given up. I don't know if I'm looking for answers or just some reassurance, but I've learned that simply putting them out there helps, so here goes:
I'm scared of the normal things -- whether I'll be able to afford it, whether I'll be able to support myself. I did find a great job that should allow me to work part time for the near future, assuming I can cram most classes into the morning. Obviously that'll change as my class load picks up, but at that point I'll be looking at internships and such anyway. Financial aid, whether they reinstate me immediately or I have to put a term on a credit card or something first, should cover the rest. Loans are fairly generous as an independent student.
I'm scared that my brain has gone stagnant and useless in the last few years and I won't be able to cut it as a student again. I'm currently facing this one head on with the help of MIT Opencourseware, and it turns out that I remember way more calculus and other stuff from high school than I thought I would. I'm mostly over this fear.
I'm afraid of what happens after graduation. My degree will likely be in a hard science -- my first attempt was in engineering, but I never had any interest in engineering, I just happened to be good at math and science. It'll probably be physics, but I might get crazy and go for chem or biochem. I'm afraid that I'll never find a job, that I'll need to do a thousand years of grad school but I'll be way too old for that and oh god. At best, I'm going to be 30 when I graduate, and I'm honestly and truly afraid that I'm going to be too old for a career in what I happen to be best at. I know I can't grab a research position with only a BSc, but they do hire people with only undergrad educations, don't they? I'm flexible, and I've always been good at interviews.
But, my biggest fear, what keeps me up at night with anxiety, is the prospect of future relationships and (hopefully) a family. I'm afraid that I'll never be able to meet anyone. I can't see myself getting along with the new, normally aged freshmen girls. I can't see a woman in her mid-twenties putting up with a boyfriend who's still a student and hasn't established a decent career. I mean, shit, I'm going to be destitute for the next few years. I'm going to ask someone out and she's going to laugh in my face. When I finally do have a stable career, I'm afraid that I'll be too old to have kids. If I just continued to work full-time in some uneducated position, I could probably support a young kid, but I'm throwing myself back into poverty at what seems like peak family years.
I know this is what I want to do. I know it. But, I also want to not spend my years lonely and penniless.
If you read all that, well, I thank you. I know it's a mess of unorganized nonsense, but I feel better having typed it out. If anyone has advice, or reassurances, or wants to say that I'm crazy, I'd be grateful for the feedback.
Basically, I'm 26 years old, and I've wasted the last eight years. I graduated high school as the salutatorian, with the highest SAT score in that little high school's history. I went off to college immediately afterwards like a good student, and promptly failed out. Looking back, I may have had the smarts to succeed, but I didn't have the social and emotional skills. Since then, I've bounced around, doing this and that. I've survived, but not much else.
Failing out was a colossal hit to my self-image. I was always the smart kid in school, that was really the only thing that distinguished me from the others. I shut down almost immediately. I didn't bother to get out and make friends, or develop relationships, because I felt that I had nothing to offer. I let my old friendships (some stretching back to grade school) die. I had failed, was a failure, and it would be best if I just faded to obscurity in some deep hole.
Last summer, I finally started talking to someone about my situation. I had never done this before -- not even my parents knew what had happened. Turns out, it helps. I've started to come to terms with my failure, and the fact that, just perhaps, it wasn't the end of the world that I had imagined.
I went back to the college, applied for and was admitted for re-entry. I'm waiting to hear whether they'll reinstate my financial aid, but the aid associate I talked to sounded fairly optimistic, since it was my first appeal. It really looks like I'll be back in the saddle this fall.
HOWEVER, in no way have my fears died. In fact, in some ways it was far less scary when I had just given up. I don't know if I'm looking for answers or just some reassurance, but I've learned that simply putting them out there helps, so here goes:
I'm scared of the normal things -- whether I'll be able to afford it, whether I'll be able to support myself. I did find a great job that should allow me to work part time for the near future, assuming I can cram most classes into the morning. Obviously that'll change as my class load picks up, but at that point I'll be looking at internships and such anyway. Financial aid, whether they reinstate me immediately or I have to put a term on a credit card or something first, should cover the rest. Loans are fairly generous as an independent student.
I'm scared that my brain has gone stagnant and useless in the last few years and I won't be able to cut it as a student again. I'm currently facing this one head on with the help of MIT Opencourseware, and it turns out that I remember way more calculus and other stuff from high school than I thought I would. I'm mostly over this fear.
I'm afraid of what happens after graduation. My degree will likely be in a hard science -- my first attempt was in engineering, but I never had any interest in engineering, I just happened to be good at math and science. It'll probably be physics, but I might get crazy and go for chem or biochem. I'm afraid that I'll never find a job, that I'll need to do a thousand years of grad school but I'll be way too old for that and oh god. At best, I'm going to be 30 when I graduate, and I'm honestly and truly afraid that I'm going to be too old for a career in what I happen to be best at. I know I can't grab a research position with only a BSc, but they do hire people with only undergrad educations, don't they? I'm flexible, and I've always been good at interviews.
But, my biggest fear, what keeps me up at night with anxiety, is the prospect of future relationships and (hopefully) a family. I'm afraid that I'll never be able to meet anyone. I can't see myself getting along with the new, normally aged freshmen girls. I can't see a woman in her mid-twenties putting up with a boyfriend who's still a student and hasn't established a decent career. I mean, shit, I'm going to be destitute for the next few years. I'm going to ask someone out and she's going to laugh in my face. When I finally do have a stable career, I'm afraid that I'll be too old to have kids. If I just continued to work full-time in some uneducated position, I could probably support a young kid, but I'm throwing myself back into poverty at what seems like peak family years.
I know this is what I want to do. I know it. But, I also want to not spend my years lonely and penniless.
If you read all that, well, I thank you. I know it's a mess of unorganized nonsense, but I feel better having typed it out. If anyone has advice, or reassurances, or wants to say that I'm crazy, I'd be grateful for the feedback.
arghidontknow on
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If anything you'll do better in school at 26. Your brain doesn't stagnate. Your attention will be better, and you'll find the work and the stresses of school are nothing like the real world, indeed worrying over finals and shit that 19 year old kids do will seem ridiculous to you.
Anxiety is normal. If it is crippling, then you need help, like you said talking makes things better.
The best way to meet someone I've found is to not try so hard to meet someone.
I went and got my second degree (and some 80 grand in debt) at 26. I did it because I knew it was what I wanted to do. I was afraid of being lonely and penniless. I'm not. (I am sometimes penniless, but it all works out).
You'll be ok, get help if you have crippling anxiety, otherwise get in there. Don't be shy.
buy warhams
I've had a pretty amazing experience so far. Two years in, I've got a great GPA, and am interested in and learning in almost all of my classes. The first time I went to school, I had no interest and felt like I was learning nothing, and now I see a lot of 18 - 19 year olds in my classes with that attitude. This time, I feel like I'm learning something all the time, and I don't really think it's because the classes are any different, I'm just getting so much more out of it intellectually than I did in the past. I'm a little more humble and a lot more interested, having been out in the real world for awhile I truly appreciate school now.
I also don't think you have to worry too much about the social life thing. Get involved in some clubs and student orgs, it helps a lot as far as meeting people, and don't get too stressed about things. Just try to be laid back and friendly and you'll have no problem, you're a LITTLE bit older than some other students but I'm having no problem with it and I'm a few years older than you even.
You walk into any relationship as who you are and no amount of money will paper over a person who isn't compassionate, who isn't funny or smart or considerate are just genuine about what they think and how they act.
As you those things?
Forget the money and focus on being everything you know you can be.
Take a day at a time! Deal with the issues at hand now and worry about the rest when they come.
First, I wouldn't worry about re-acclimating to being a student. Remember those somewhat older dudes in your undergraduate courses who took everything seriously, asked probing questions and always seemed impossibly disciplined compared to your 19 year old self? Well, you're those dudes now. Have fun intimidating future classmates with your hard won maturity.
Second: at least attempt to get a degree in something you're actually motivated to give a shit about. Don't be the guy who gets an accounting degree (or whatever) because you got into the program and the coursework is manageable and hey, accountants get paid, then be out for two years and discover you hate being an accountant.
Third, and my god, quick panicking about this starting a family thing. If for no other reason than there's no bigger turnoff than desperation. If you're worried about meeting people your own age/maturity and are hung up on the whole financial status thing, I promise you there'll be plenty of social science grad students around for you to pursue.
that's why we call it the struggle, you're supposed to sweat
You're never too old for grad school. I just finished up my MA a few weeks ago and we had people of all ages in the program, from people like me who went straight in from their undergrad to people who took a few years off to people who took a few decades off. Married people, divorced people, people with and without kids, the whole nine yards. Grad school is a weird place, and age doesn't really factor into whether or not you belong there.
I know that's a little further down the line for you, but keep the option open. It's a great experience, opens a lot of doors, and entering a grad program in your early 30s isn't unusual at all.
Fear of failing - treat school as your job to ensure you don't fail (I have no doubt you'll be a success if you're putting this much thought into it).
Fear of job/career - find something you love doing, and keep doing it. The jobs will come (unless you're talking about interpretive pan-flute engineering, that might be hard)
Fear of relationships/interrelatedness - You won't relate that well to freshmen. Big whoop, they're mostly immature anyway. You'll have a rapport with the ones that matter though.
You'll find a ton of people to talk to/relate to if it's any sort of decent college town, as there are many in your situation or in grad school. The biggest thing I've found about relationships with a significant other is that it's not about explicit achievement. I know people who are huge successes at work but are terrible people to be with. As long as you find someone you jibe with, you'll be fine.
TLDR - Don't worry, just put your head down and kick some ass.
I graduated High School near the top of my class, and earned a near full scholarship to a decent 4 year university. I did terrible, almost inexplicably. I could get As and Bs in honors courses and labs, but fail miserably in the giant lecture courses. Study, not study, it didn't seem to matter. I bobbed along for 5 semesters before dropping out. Yes, it was hugely embarrassing to me and my family. My sister has a masters and my brother a PHD, my father is a physician.
After failing at college, I worked a series of "dead end" tech support call center jobs, and a stint at a mom and pop computer store. Plenty of lonely and penniless times. Yes it sucked, but it also made me a better person. I probably learned more during that time than I ever did in school.
Eventually I gained, I don't know, the maturity or presence of mind to realize I needed a change, so I finally went back to school to try again. I took it slow, but had resolved myself to remember how well I did in high school....that I could succeed. And I did. Now at the end of this year I'll finish my MBA (with a 4.0). I'll also turn 35 in January, so realize it's never too late to "turn things around".
As far as relationships, the best advice I ever got was don't worry about it. The right person will love you for who you are, and where you've been. It takes a shift of thinking from worrying about what another person thinks to realizing your own worth. The right person will recognize that worth. Also realize that your expectations of a family may change. There are plenty of non-traditional ways of stumbling into a family. I work for a single man that adopted three older boys, and is now a great father to them. A friend married a woman who already had an older child, and has blended it perfectly with them. I myself haven't found "the one" yet. And you know what? That's ok too, because I'm worth it. Realize that whatever way you can.....by slaying your school demons, becoming great at something, succeeding.
I'm rambling now too. It get's better. It is hard work though. You've taken the first steps. Good luck.
If you push with the school thing and put an effort into it, it'll work itself out. You'll probably find college easier at this point, since you're approaching it from the mindset of something you want to do, rather than just "the next step whatever." Don't be afraid to talk to your parents, or friends, about what's going on in your life, even the bad things.
About the relationship stuff, you know what girls like? Dudes who know what they want in life. And a lot of girls dig older guys simply by their looks. You think no college-age girl would be into you, but I guarantee there are girls in college that think "I like guys who are in their mid-20s, but how do I find them when I'm surrounded by these dudes fresh out of highschool?"
You have more life experience than many other people in college, and more stories and advice, than the majority of your future classmates. That will make you popular, or at least more than just another face in class. It makes you interesting. I had more fun talking with my older classmates (many of whom were much older than you) when I was in college.
Here is the key... Do the best you can whit the opportunities you have available to you, don't spend time worrying about things you have no control over. Take it 1 day at a time.
Every time you are feeling overwhelmed think back and ask yourself...
Am I worrying about things that i can't control?
Am I worrying about things that aren't important yet?
Am I doing my best, working as hard as I can right now?
You can't possibly know what is coming up in your life in a month or a year or longer. So give yourself a break, concentrate on what you are doing right now. Tackle the problems of the future when they show up!
As a girl who dated dudes who were in their mid (to late) twenties in college and had friends that did the same, I concur with this opinion. In my experience one of the biggest turn-ons for girls is a healthy level of confidence. Most girls in college aren't worried about or even considering money/starting a family. They figure you are in college so it's almost a given that you're not going to have a ton of money; if they are thinking about the future they figure you will probably be financially stable in the future since you will have a degree. However, in my experience most college girls weren't turning guys down based on whether or not they were marriage/family worthy.
On one of your other points, I was a physics/math major. I went into teaching and was able to find a job quite easily since there is a higher demand for physics and math teachers. However, almost everyone else I knew in my majors went on to get at least a masters degree before finding a job in their fields (or took actuarial exams and became an actuary). There are obviously lots of places that don't care much what your degree is in and hire based on your skills, but most physics positions require a masters or PhD (or at least that's what I've heard from people I graduated with).
― Dr. Seuss, Oh, the Places You'll Go!
Definitely. I know it's illogical, but it continues to barge into my brain, usually when I'm lying in bed trying to sleep. I'm working on it, and it no longer runs my life like it has in the past.
I'm not opposed to grad school, but I don't think I want to jump right into it, so career prospects are a factor. I'm pretty confident that a math or physics (or both, like yourself) degree wouldn't be the end of the world, though.
After some thought, however, I think I'm going to talk to the engineering department next week. The courses for physics and Mech.E are very similar, up until professional school anyway, and it makes sense to keep every possible door open at this point. If anything, the more challenging version of the courses required for the physics degree vs. engineering (CH221 instead of CH201, for example) should put me ahead of the curve.
Onwards and upwards. I've always been pretty active, and I feel good physically. I just started volunteering at the local Humane Society, which is amazing (and judging from the number of very cool women I met there last week, might be helpful in multiple ways). I'm slowly recalling calculus and physics through MIT's Opencourseware program. I have fall term mapped out. I feel good. I can make this happen.
Thanks again to every one of you who replied. This sounds weird, but I'm going to print this thread out and hide it away in my desk, to be read the next time I'm feeling hopeless.
the maturity and basic life skills will help you greatly.
As for meeting people, I wouldn't recommend the path of "don't even try it will happen" which simply isn't true.
Just talk to people, about homework etc etc.
Try to be that guy, it gives you an edge; but accept it grudingly :P
Finally, when i was 28 i ended up going back to live with my parents, having hit the bottom of the well and the brick wall that was in there too. at the same time. confession of the lie was the best thing ever. Helped fix so much of my anxiety problems. And then finishing the degree was just a big help.
now i have a BA in English, concentration in Literature, and i'm thinking about grad school. of course i'm in a different country now.
You're doing fine. Just stay focused on what you want and you can make this work for you.
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Well, I did go back to college (one more year to go!), and this time around I am kicking ass. No one cares that I'm older than other students, and my years out there working and in just being an adult in the "real world" have given me a huge advantage in class. I started out in community college and transferred to a university that I would have had no chance of getting into straight out of high school.
Having previous job experiences to draw on has been a great advantage for me, I snagged a competitive paid internship thanks in part to having a work history. (I'm actually making $5 more per hour at this internship than I was before quitting my old job to go to college.) Network like hell when you are in college--and out of college too--as that is the best way to find/get jobs.
On the dating front, going back to college in mid-20s or 30s is not that uncommon, and girls are going to know you aren't going to be in college forever. I doubt that how much money you make (or don't make) is the most interesting thing about you.
My number one piece of advice is if you find yourself dwelling on past mistakes, wallowing in self-blame, or saying "if only I had done this or that years ago" . . . DON'T. Everyone makes mistakes and everyone has regrets. You don't have to be perfect, you just need to learn from your mistakes, and move on.
You are entering the "nearly an adult. . .gotta get my shit together" phase of life - which is fine. The only people who are put off by this are the idiots who have a The CW or MTV expectation of life - and you don't want to be with them anyway. Use the life experiences that have wizened you to this point and finish school in whatever discipline you are looking for; dating might be tight, but you are bound to find people in the exact same situation you are in - but honestly, that really shouldn't be your main concern. Graduating is. Bachelors before 30 and a post-grad degree before 35. You'll be fine. Trust the old people.
Speaking as a Mech.E who got his Master's degree at age 32, I can say that the Physics students and the Eng students overlapped quite a bit in our classes and interests. The Mech.E's tend to lean more towards real world application, while the Physics types were more theoretical. But in the end both would be worthy degrees. My experience with a Mech.E degree has been outstanding in both job fulfillment and paycheck =D.
And don't worry about the Masters yet, you will have plenty of time completing your undergrad first, then you can decide after if you wish to pursue a Masters.
As for your other questions, everyone here has given excellent advice. I would join the others with saying that you being "older" will most likely translate into you far surpassing your classmates in maturity and ability.
Good luck and have fun!