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Significant other and college
anotheraltacct
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So my wife (23 years old) doesn't have any desire for college. She currently works as a caregiver for folks with developmental disabilities and for the most part likes her job, but the pay is crap.
Now, I know the statistics re: job market and a lack of a college background is downright dismal, but it doesn't seem to bother her. She did a year of community college right out of high school, but didn't do so hot (her father passed away right after she graduated, so I'm sure that had an effect on her), and stopped after that year.
I want her to be happy, and she's happy with her job, but at the same time I want her to be able to not be eaten alive if she has to go into the job market. She's looked at a 2 year degree option as an occupational therapy assistant and she said that if she had to go to school, that she might consider it (since it's closely related to what she does now, and pays a shit ton more), but there just is no desire to go back to school. We also want kids in the next 2-4 years as well.
Since she's happy, and there is no desire for her to go to school anytime soon, should I just let it go? Am I just being selfish? (I get the impression I sound selfish in the post). Am I making any damn sense at all?
So my wife (23 years old) doesn't have any desire for college. She currently works as a caregiver for folks with developmental disabilities and for the most part likes her job, but the pay is crap.
Now, I know the statistics re: job market and a lack of a college background is downright dismal, but it doesn't seem to bother her. She did a year of community college right out of high school, but didn't do so hot (her father passed away right after she graduated, so I'm sure that had an effect on her), and stopped after that year.
I want her to be happy, and she's happy with her job, but at the same time I want her to be able to not be eaten alive if she has to go into the job market. She's looked at a 2 year degree option as an occupational therapy assistant and she said that if she had to go to school, that she might consider it (since it's closely related to what she does now, and pays a shit ton more), but there just is no desire to go back to school. We also want kids in the next 2-4 years as well.
Since she's happy, and there is no desire for her to go to school anytime soon, should I just let it go? Am I just being selfish? (I get the impression I sound selfish in the post). Am I making any damn sense at all?
anotheraltacct on
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If she's not interested and happy where she is, let it go.
In short, any post-high-school degree would help her immensely by giving her access to jobs with limited applicant pools without reducing her ability to apply for the jobs currently available to her. She should go for the 2-year.
What I think is a more important issue for you to understand is why she doesn't want a degree. If she's truly not interested and is happy doing her thing and that's the whole story, good! If she's expecting to be a stay-at-home mom or just go along to get along (I have family members who are this way), and you're planning for her to continue working towards a common monetary goal regardless of parenthood or motivation (house, retirement, etc), now is the time to have that conversation and make sure you're both on the same page.
And if she has anxiety about school and that's the only thing holding her back, look into some counseling, it can really help her manage and overcome what the major stressors are and that will help college look like less of a daunting task.
As it stands right now, she's not interested in school. She hated high school, she didn't like community college, she just doesn't like classrooms. She has anxiety re: school, but that's secondary to "I don't like school". She really does like her job, and has been at it for 4 years now.
Re: the ultimate goals, she does want to be a stay at home mom for the first years until the kiddo(s) are in school, and then work part-time (or work p/t while she has kiddo(s) ). We've both agreed that I'd probably be the primary breadwinner when it comes to family-rearing, and I don't have a problem with that (but that would also be a whole different thread/discussion).
But so far, from what you're saying, she's happy and planning to stop working in the near future to take care of kids. You're down with that, so what would it accomplish other than a little extra insurance at the hefty expense of both your savings and her stress level and happiness?
my mom has a nursing degree, and she's always been able to fall back on it in tough times for a decent paying job.
This is something you're going to have to evaluate as part of determining whether the two of you are long term compatible. It's certainly reasonable to decide that you want a partner more interested in pursuing a successful career and contributing financially.
Certainly it may be nice if she had one in case you guys fall on hard times, but it's still very possible to get a job without a degree.
Maybe discuss her going to school very part time while staying home with the kids? Many women do have trouble getting back into the job market after taking time off to raise kids and that is the point at which a degree would help her. Having something to show for that time off will also make a huge difference even apart from just having a degree by the time she is looking for work again.
Are there any certificate programs in OT/caregiving? Something where she could just take classes that actually focus on doing stuff and are all very focused on her interests? School can mean very different things. While she might not like traditional classroom learning, she might be able to find a hands on program that is closer to doing her job than a traditional classroom. Something like that would still give her a leg up in the job market and could probably be done one class at a time.
You can't force her to go to school, since you'll just put her in a situation where she not only hates school but also resents you.
I think you need to sit down with her and really talk about what her career goals are. Ask about her 5 year plan related only to her career, ignoring kids entirely for now. If she wants to do more, then offer to look into what she'd need to do in order to get there. She might be able to take some night classes or some weekend things to get certificates that aren't going to have the same stresses as going to "school" entails.
Similarly, your job as husband is to encourage and support, meaning that if she hates school and has anxiety about it, your best bet is to try to make it easier for her -- if she ultimately wants to attend in some capacity. That may mean studying with her, helping her on projects, and so on. Obviously you don't want to do her work for her if it comes up, but you'll probably have a fair amount of involvement in her classes if you actually want to have her go to school, something she doesn't like.
But if her career goals are straightforward and she can get there without school, she'll probably prefer that. If you can determine what those goals are, and whether she'll NEED school to get there, that'd be a great help for your problem.
If she was open with you from the start then you knew what you were getting into. I'm all for education, be it 2yr, 4yr degrees or trade certificates of some kind, everyone should educate themselves and try to better themselves for personal fulfillment, to support their family, and to be good at what they do.
Others are right, college isn't for everyone. I work around consutrction guys, college wasn't for them, but they went to a trade school and learned a trade, and that is still education. They make good money and like what they do.
There is also a difference between, "college is not for me", and "I'm going to use that as an excuse because I'm secretly lazy, this job is easy, and I'll let you carry the majority of the burden."
She should be doing what she finds makes her happy. Who knows, in a few years when she's saved up some money, maybe she'll go back to be a nurse or something.
Being able to work non-menial jobs is not a little extra insurance in this country. Not knowing what/where of the OPs employment situation, there are no guarantees that in 2-4 years he will be employed.
Her having a degree is basically long term disability insurance/unemployment insurance/life insurance on the OP rolled into one. That you only have to pay for once and the term never expires.
My neighbor growing up had to go back to school at 35 because her husband got meningitis, lost his job, and was out of work for months while he recovered(it was basically like having a stroke) and no job she could get would help pay down the bills. Just a guess that community college at 23 is a breeze compared to at 35 with 2 kids, a mortgage, car payments and a menial job just to keep yourself a float.
It became a problem when I started thinking about the future.
1) While my salary is high for one or two people, it's not enough to sustain a family. So I wanted her to get an education and a higher-paying job. She wanted to cut in my and our future kids' standard of living.
2) If something happened to me and my salary disappeared, our family would go broke in no time. She was unconcerned.
3) I wanted our kids to follow in my footsteps and get has high a level of education as they could, and we would pay for it as much as we could. She couldn't care less what level of education our kids got to, and refused to pay for it.
Eventually we broke up. This wasn't all of our issues, there were a lot more of them and not all finance-related, but this didn't help.
Don't worry about it, you aren't the only one.
If there's some root cause why she has anxiety or dislike of school, it might be a mistake to immediately try to go out and get a degree without examining some of those issues first.
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I maintain, however, that it will be extremely counterproductive for you to put a lot of pressure on her about this, possibly even damaging to your relationship. She's an adult; her compulsory education is over. If she knows what she wants and that's not school you're probably going to have to come to terms with it if you don't want her to resent you, or feel like you resent her.
Re: family losing primary breadwinner. Yeah, that's a sticky one. She grew up in a family where the same damn thing happened (dad became gravely disabled, mom didn't have much for education), so she's seen it first hand. We have a (small, about 40-50k) trust account as a result of her father passing. When I mentioned this situation to her in the past, she said she would probably rely on that and figure out how to get back on her feet. So that's where that is.
Re: me working. I'm finishing my masters in August in a field that doesn't pay as lucratively as it should (40-50k), but will probably be gainfully employed in a year or less. Will we be rolling in the dough? Doubt it. Will we make it? probably.
Pure Din: There is a possibility, something for us to keep in mind if we ever cross that river.
Liquid: In the particular area that she works, there's the direct support staff, and there's a manager. There is your ladder. There isn't a lot of certs/licenses that you can really get. Most people use caregiving as a base or relevant experience to occupational therapy, nursing, and other related medical fields (I've worked as a caregiver for 6 years)
Ceres: You have some solid advice, especially around the tech programs. May or may not be an option depending on the tech programs in our area.