As was foretold, we've added advertisements to the forums! If you have questions, or if you encounter any bugs, please visit this thread: https://forums.penny-arcade.com/discussion/240191/forum-advertisement-faq-and-reports-thread/
Options
Is my wife a lesbian and Other questions
suicidexcuse
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So I Made a thread a while back about finding out my wife had been lying to me about phone calls and talking to an ex of hers. Well After lots of fights it turns out she had an affair online. My wife had told this woman she wanted to gave sex with her. I'm not exactly sure how far it went but I called it cyber sex and she hasn't corrected me.
Anyways it looks like she wants to try and make our marriage work. She has stopped talking to this woman and we are trying to rebuild what we had.
The question I have is how do I stop being suspicious of her and learn to trust her again. I've got some trust issues and I was devastated by all this. Im not the same husband anymore. I stop myself from showing any kind of affection. Will it just take time? Or are some people just incapable of fOrgiving.
The other question I have is is it normal for one person to love the other more in a relationship? We've talked about this and she admits I clearly love her more. That's really hard to hear. But she keeps saying it's normal. As well I'm more attracted to her then she is to me. I recently discovered she doesn't get wet from heterosexual sex. She enjoys it and says she feels it inside wanting to have sex with me but only gets wet from homosexual sex. Does that make her gay? Im very sexually inexperienced so I had no idea she wasnt physically excited.
Any advice on this would be helpful. O and we have a young daughter so keep that in mind.
Anyways it looks like she wants to try and make our marriage work. She has stopped talking to this woman and we are trying to rebuild what we had.
The question I have is how do I stop being suspicious of her and learn to trust her again. I've got some trust issues and I was devastated by all this. Im not the same husband anymore. I stop myself from showing any kind of affection. Will it just take time? Or are some people just incapable of fOrgiving.
The other question I have is is it normal for one person to love the other more in a relationship? We've talked about this and she admits I clearly love her more. That's really hard to hear. But she keeps saying it's normal. As well I'm more attracted to her then she is to me. I recently discovered she doesn't get wet from heterosexual sex. She enjoys it and says she feels it inside wanting to have sex with me but only gets wet from homosexual sex. Does that make her gay? Im very sexually inexperienced so I had no idea she wasnt physically excited.
Any advice on this would be helpful. O and we have a young daughter so keep that in mind.
suicidexcuse on
0
Posts
Not to get explicit here, but to get somewhat explicit here, when you guys have sex, is it penetration and that's pretty much it? Because yeah, for many, many women that's pretty lame. Is it just the IDEA of heterosexual sex that we're talking about? She doesn't get excited thinking about a penis but she does get excited thinking about a vagina? Or are we talking about whether or not she gets wet DURING sex?
I don't think you're broken or anything, but it's up to you to figure out what you need to do or see to be happy in this relationship if that's what you want. Once you figure out what you will need, you need to communicate that clearly. It may take a counselor to do that. If you decide you're done, that's okay too.
And yes, it is completely possible for someone to love the other more, or in different ways. While each of you could have deep and profound love for one another, she may not, for instance, hesitate to leave you if you lost an arm or something. This is something you should obviously talk with her about and find out why she thinks you love her more and what she thinks the difference between the two of you are.
I would say she's probably bisexual, though if she doesn't get sexually excited from heterosexual sex then she's probably gay, yes. She may want an emotional connection with a man, but may want sex with women. It may just be your technique or how you treat her that makes the difference. It could be you're too manly looking and she prefers more effeminate figures. I don't know.
Like all other "Sex with my significant other" threads, the biggest thing you can do is sit down and talk to each other about expectations, wants, needs, desires, etc. Don't ask a bunch of nerds on an internet forum what your wife is thinking or feeling, or her sexuality.
No our sex isn't just penetration. But this isn't just a recent issue. She says with all her exes she always couldn't get very wet with guys but with woman it was the opposite. And this is about getting wet during sex. Most of the time we need saliva or lubricant, rarely can we do it without either. It just sucks thinking i can't excite my wife enough while she was probably wet having cyber sex.she was my first so I really don't know if this is an issue or common. I know it's only an issue if I choose it to be but I have my wife telling me she's lesbian then saying she's not and wants to stay together. It's hard not pick every little thing apart.
So, can you learn to trust her again? I don't know. Broadly speaking, I would say that yes, someone in your situation can theoretically be able to forgive his significant other of this transgression, which was limited in scope only to an expression of desire but not any physical contact. In your case specifically, though, you've been holding onto some mistrust towards your wife for a while. You may, in fact, be the sort of person who has a lot of experience holding tightly onto your mistrust but very little experience when it comes to forgiving it.
Since you acknowledge yourself that you have trust issues, I'd strongly consider seeking psychological counseling and therapy. I don't mean that as a negative reflection on you personally; lots of people have trust issues for reasons which are entirely logical. But I'm not sure you have all the tools in your toolbox that you need to work on this issue.
Since I'm only getting an impression on your wife through the prism of your own experiences and interpretations, I don't feel like I could make an educated guess about what's going on with her. Like Bowen said, you're going to have to continue talking about it and working on it regardless of what's going on.
There isn't really anything specific you can do or not do. Gaining back trust usually has to be done over time with experiences with one another that builds that trust. It will be up to you on whether you will be able to move past this in the future or not. Some people can, some can't.
IMO, there are no degrees of love. You either love someone or you don't. It sounds like she is a really nice person, feels guilty about what has happened and wants to love you. I know that probably isn't what you want to hear, but that's my 2 cents
I would definitely recommend you both go to a counselor or some professional to help you out with this, especially since there is a kid involved. Good luck to you
OP, in that previous thread, basically every person who responded suggested that you look into marriage counseling. It's been two months; did you end up getting help? If not, why not? If so, was it useful?
You've mentioned that since your previous conflict, you've lost a lot of trust in your wife. What, if anything, has she done to regain it? Do you see evidence of her consciously working to improve her relationship with you?
Sex is important, and in a stable relationship, a question like "My wife doesn't get aroused during sex, what can I do?" would be well worth discussing. But right now, it seems to me that the rest of your relationship with her is so dysfunctional that the question of whether or not she gets off on the old in-and-out is the least of your concerns. You need to address your trust issues, and you need to figure out how you really feel about each other and about yourselves. It won't do you any good to research sexual techniques if she decides she just doesn't want to have sex with men anymore.
Alternatively, I'd try some different things with her in bed to try to get her more interested in being sexual with you. Fantasies, role play, toys, etc.
Electronic composer for hire.
As for counseling we talked about it but didn't pursue it because we had come to the conclusion that we will split up Ina year or so. As well I just started my first job in a year so we are both exhausted and just haven't found the energy to start looking. I'll bring up to her again to see what she says.
This is all so hard because she seems to have two sides to her. One minute she tells me we can stay friends and the next it's we need to stay together. I really feel like I don't know my own wife. She's told me she wants to have a relationship with a woman and everyone to know then saying she wants me. Ugh it's so frustrating.
Has any of this happened? Because to me, albeit from a very internet-summarized and condensed version, it sounds like the exact same situation is still happening, except that you're more aware of how apparently unsatisfied she is with dick in vagina sex.
Brutal honesty time: it really sounds like she likes you as a person, is pretty content to have had a daughter with you, but wants nothing with what many people consider to be the heavy part of marriage. And you're enabling her to do this by putting your needs and expectations aside, possibly for your daughter but it more sounds like you're very afraid to rock the boat.
Talk with a counselor. Define what you each want from your marriage. Discuss with your wife real tangible goals for both of you to meet. If you meet them, great - but if you don't, it's over. Don't accept that you have to live with how she's treating you or how you're reacting to her, because otherwise you'll back here in another two months with "We said we were going to work it out but she's sleeping with my kid's best friend's Mom".
Yes, this. Counseling might help each of you find out what it is that you want out of this relationship, but you need to be prepared to recognize the possibility that that might be different things.
Speaking as someone who has been in the situation ceres described, I just want to be very clear: If it is the case that she wants your relationship to be polyamorous, and you don't, there is no bridging that gap. Do not hold out and hope that things might change, and either of you will come around, because that shit just doesn't work.
Shes just not into you...maybe shes not into other guys, whatever, that doesnt matter, shes not into you.
She wants a woman. She wants a woman bad enough to play around in secret.
You dont trust her.
You don't trust her enough to snoop.
Your snooping confirmed your worst fears.
She is your first. There are others.
Find one that makes you happy instead of frustrated and depressed.
Find one that makes you feel desired instead of making you feel like a paycheck and/or emotional tampon.
You won't forgive her...you'll try and forget it happened.
That won't last.
Things will probably get worse, and it'll only hurt more.
End it and move on.
And, it's pretty clear that she doesn't actually love you. She loves the idea of a family. For both your sakes, go to counseling. You will likely determine that this relationship is over and you need to get a divorce, but that you'll both be better parents to your daughter by finding happiness.
This deserves attention. It's entirely possible to like or even love someone a whole lot, and to be compatible with them in a lot of ways, but to just not be satisfied with them as a life partner. I love my buddy Nikolai, I've known him for like 15 years, we talk all the time and tell each other everything and like the same music and have the same beliefs about issues ranging from copyright law to politics, I even find him attractive, but I would just not be interested in marrying him and settling down with him. We actually talked about it, at one point, but both of us realized that we just weren't a match for each other in that way.
You love your wife. She loves you. And you can continue to love each other for the rest of your lives... but you don't need to be married to do that. It's possible to have an amicable divorce, work out a custody plan that works for both of you, go your separate ways sexually, find your own new relationships that give you what you need, and still remain close, loving friends with each other. It's difficult, but it's possible.
You really have three options here. You can accept that you and your wife aren't good for each other in that way, and work on an amiable split; you can try again to make things work, and somehow succeed; or you can try to make things work, fail, and end up in an ugly, unpleasant, acrimonious divorce down the road.
If you really think you have a genuine chance to turn your relationship with your wife around, then by all means, do whatever you can to salvage it. But it's really sounding like the two of you just aren't on the same page at all, and if that's the case, it's better to end your marriage in a way that lets you still be friends than to try to drag it out until you're both miserable.
There is no "moving on" in this case, they have a 2yr old daughter! He should not walk away from his responsibility here.
Two people, with at least one being miserable, raising a kid is not better than two separate happy people raising a kid.
Nothing I said indicated he abandon his daughter.
This is a dramatic oversimplification of the issue, and possibly not even a true statement. Divorce is bad for children, period. The main question is whether staying together is worse, and the relative happiness of the parents is not necessarily relevant to their parenting.
This is far, far from cut and dried.
Sorry, by "move on" I assumed you meant altogether. He won't get custody of his daughter if he leaves, and he will continue to interact regularly with his current wife for the next dozen years at minimum. There's no "moving on" in any sense where he's able to get this woman out of his world without also getting the daughter out.
Divorce with children is serious, serious business. You are screwing with somebody's life in ways you cannot predict. That decision should not be made solely because you're unhappy or angry and mistrustful of your partner.
Actually, it seems like he's unhappy AND angry AND mistrustful of his partner. It's not just one thing, so to me, that justifies a divorce. You can't have a loving and healthy relationship with out trust, and where do you think children learn how to develop relationships? They learn it from their parents. If their parents are unhappy, and don't trust eachother, the child is going to learn to stay in an unhappy relationship and/or be suspicious of their partner.
Staying together "for the children" is bullshit.
Check out my art! Buy some prints!
"Divorce is bad for children' is an oversimplification of an astounding level. Divorce is often better for kids, especially in abusive situations. While I'm not sure of the level of psychological abuse going on in this relationship, it sure appears there's at least some.
You don't think the relative happiness of a person is a factor in how good of a parent they are? Staying in a relationship for the sake of the kids can be a good thing for the kids. It can also be very bad. Given his situation, it looks like this would be a bad situation for his kid to grow up in. The fact that Mom doesn't love Dad and Dad (and likely Mom) is miserable will get noticed by the kid.
How do you know he won't get custody? Certainly joint custody is the most likely outcome here. Just because he is male doesn't mean that he won't have custody of his kid.
You're right that there's no moving on from this woman in that sense. But, certainly, there's moving on from her in the romantic sense and moving on for him to a better situation.
From what you've said it really sounds like you need to strongly consider a divorce in order to do the best by yourselves and your child, but I can't help but wonder if we've got a misleading slice of the picture? I don't mean that in an accusatory way, but could you explain how you got here? It might help.
Straight or gay and I just am trying to find out where she leans and what she wants. She doesn't know what she wants so I'm desperately trying to figure it out before we are 10 years into our marriage and have to get divorced and get into a messy situation and mess up my daughter.
I'd have expected that after years of heterosexual intercourse with the mother of your child, maybe that ought not to be the sort of thing that you could say you recently discovered.
In any case, last time we rode this trolley, almost every single person suggested that you seek counseling because this is a huge issue, and nobody can be expected to have all the tools he needs to address it. You ultimately rejected that advice because
Be serious: that's just a slew of lame excuses, right? "We just haven't found the energy to start looking?" What the heck does that even mean? Do you need to carb up before opening the Yellow Pages?
You say that
But I have to be honest with you: I don't believe you. If you are desperate, make an appointment with a counselor. If not, make an appointment with a lawyer.
Agreed.
You're letting her trounce all over you and I think it would behoove you to find out why you are letting her do this.
Good luck.
I'm not crucifying your wife because she is bisexual, I'm crucifying your wife because she wants someone besides her husband and has been engaged in behaviors that either lead up to cheating, or she already has. Cheating is not dependent on sexual preference or genetalia...its an equal opportunity douchism.
It is not your job to fix your wife in the "What I want out of life" department, its your job to know what you want and make sure you give your daughter everything she needs to grow into a fully functioning adult. Watching the two of your interact over this matter is not going to be healthy for your daughter in any way.
You really want to fastforward another 10 years and have your daughter walk in on her and whoever else she'd decided she wants this month?
No shes probably not confused at all is the thing. She probably know exactly what she wants and is trying to make it work or what ever.
Go to couples counseling and so on. Just realize having sex with men or women does not make some one straight or gay it just means they had sex.
Just be supportive and understanding.
<Qs23> I just need to get my dicks in a row
<prox> i work for dicks
#paforums_pax, all about the dicks.
All I have to say is that this sounds like misplacing blame. Your wife had an emotional affair - despite anything short of beating her senseless you may have done in the past, this is not your fault. It is her decision, and you can't make it into something you drove her to.
I speak here from the personal standpoint of a former serial cheater. I cheated on every serious g/f I had until I was 28. In all of these cases the motivation to cheat was mine - but I would frequently turn it around at any opportunity and make it into a "you're pushing me away and so I cheated" argument. And you know what? It was a lie, every damn time.
I cheated because I wanted to, not for any other reason. Your wife did this because she wanted to, not because you don't take her to the flower store, or because you left the cupboards open, or because you two fought.
That being said, people can change. I personally have and I know of others who used to be the same way who have gone to the faithful path.
I don't know if it can be done in midstream, though. I mean, I'm sure it's possible, but it's definitely the most difficult path. My fidelity began when I met my wife, so I didn't have the counseling and built up issues that will undoubtedly be part of your sessions.
Best of luck - but I suggest you look at this relationship and decide if you want to be in it, and why. And be cynical - ask yourself the same questions about your wife. Why does she want to stay? Can she be trusted?
Look, it's not your fault that you're in this mess so stop beating up on yourself and realize that, while your wife probably won't change much in terms of what she desires, you will either come out of this with a marriage that works in its own way or a fresh start.
Secret Satan
Rather then cheating on your girl, why not ask her for permission to sleep with another woman.
Uhm, two wrongs really don't make a right here. It sounds like the OP wants to try and repair his relationship, not kill it completely.
I can has cheezburger, yes?
As for the comments about "how didn't you notice?" I'd tell you that you might want to think about that, but later. I think you've got a right to trust that the person you're married to is committed to you and would do you the solid of talking to you before stepping out on you. Sure, you may have been living in denial or simply taking the state of your marriage for granted, but don't beat yourself up for trusting your wife. You treated her like a responsible adult and she decided to hide in your blind spot. That's awful, but I suppose that's how these things happen.
I really, sincerely hope you do listen this time. I'm sorry to have called you out on making excuses earlier, but there's been a profound disconnect between the rhetoric that you use to describe how deeply committed you supposedly are to moving past this issue and your willingness to actually do anything about it.
Even re-reading the language you use in your last post, I'm not sure I actually believe you're going to do anything about this. "Let's just hope I listen this time?" No, dude. That's something the rest of us can hope for, but you personally are not a passive audience member here. You're an active participant. If you want to listen to our advice, don't hope that happens, just do it. Likewise, it's not much of a step in the right direction to say of looking up a counselor "I guess I could look into that." That's not a commitment to taking action; that's acknowledging the possibility of perhaps considering an option.
You absolutely must stop thinking about your own life in terms of "things I could do" and start thinking about it in terms of "things I will do."