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Need help thinking.
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This is gonna be really long, and really neurotic. It's less of a specific question and more of a muddle of thoughts that I've found myself unable to sort through effectively. I guess I'm hoping there's someone here who has been through/watched someone else go through this same process and can offer a machete to my intellectual thicket. And yes, there is some religious influence here. I hope that doesn't rile anyone up, but at the same time I'm not going to apologize for it.
I'm 23 years old, I'm a virgin, and I'm tired of that. In part it's because I was (am?) a wait-for-marriage guy. The larger part of it, though, has simply been circumstance -- I've never found any girl with the slightest interest in me. Of course, being the wait-for-marriage guy, I've only ever been looking for serious relationships, haven't ever given real effort to just casually asking someone out, so maybe that has something to do with not finding anyone.
Regardless, I'm at a very confusing point on a number of levels...moral, sexual, personal, even theological. The thought I haven't been able to get out of my head lately is, "The whole point of waiting for marriage was about your hypothetical relationship with your hypothetical wife. If such a person does not exist and will never exist, what's the point in still waiting?" And I have started to feel, looking at the current trajectory of my life, that it's probable I never will get married. The problem is that such a thing doesn't really change my view on moral sexual behavior, it just means I'm starting to question whether moral behavior is worth sustaining in this particular area. Or at least, that's how it feels. And that throws another set of wrenches into the mixture...guilt, uncertainty, etc.
Lately I've been thinking, EXTREMELY tentatively, that I want to get my first time out of the way. It wouldn't have to be in a serious relationship, but at the same time I just can't reconcile the thought of "casual sex" with my personality. I've been thinking it would be nice if it were someone I respected, and who likewise respected me, but didn't necessarily want an actual relationship -- I guess the closest term is that I want a good friend with benefits?
But then as soon as I say that, my mind reiterates that I'm not certain of that, and arglebargle infinite loop. :-/
Add to that the fact that I'm not even certain how one goes about detecting such an opportunity. Is there some sort of secret handshake? Obviously not, but then what is the typical way to approach these things? I mean, I can't just go, "Hey, you wanna be fuckbuddies?" in the middle of a conversation with her. Yes, I realize I'm woefully underpracticed in these things, and that if I weren't I would probably know the right way to handle this.
My thoughts, they are tangled. I don't even know what to do, or think. I'm just incredibly tired and emotionally exhausted from all of this.
I'm 23 years old, I'm a virgin, and I'm tired of that. In part it's because I was (am?) a wait-for-marriage guy. The larger part of it, though, has simply been circumstance -- I've never found any girl with the slightest interest in me. Of course, being the wait-for-marriage guy, I've only ever been looking for serious relationships, haven't ever given real effort to just casually asking someone out, so maybe that has something to do with not finding anyone.
Regardless, I'm at a very confusing point on a number of levels...moral, sexual, personal, even theological. The thought I haven't been able to get out of my head lately is, "The whole point of waiting for marriage was about your hypothetical relationship with your hypothetical wife. If such a person does not exist and will never exist, what's the point in still waiting?" And I have started to feel, looking at the current trajectory of my life, that it's probable I never will get married. The problem is that such a thing doesn't really change my view on moral sexual behavior, it just means I'm starting to question whether moral behavior is worth sustaining in this particular area. Or at least, that's how it feels. And that throws another set of wrenches into the mixture...guilt, uncertainty, etc.
Lately I've been thinking, EXTREMELY tentatively, that I want to get my first time out of the way. It wouldn't have to be in a serious relationship, but at the same time I just can't reconcile the thought of "casual sex" with my personality. I've been thinking it would be nice if it were someone I respected, and who likewise respected me, but didn't necessarily want an actual relationship -- I guess the closest term is that I want a good friend with benefits?
But then as soon as I say that, my mind reiterates that I'm not certain of that, and arglebargle infinite loop. :-/
Add to that the fact that I'm not even certain how one goes about detecting such an opportunity. Is there some sort of secret handshake? Obviously not, but then what is the typical way to approach these things? I mean, I can't just go, "Hey, you wanna be fuckbuddies?" in the middle of a conversation with her. Yes, I realize I'm woefully underpracticed in these things, and that if I weren't I would probably know the right way to handle this.
My thoughts, they are tangled. I don't even know what to do, or think. I'm just incredibly tired and emotionally exhausted from all of this.
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Waiting isn't for everyone either and I don't think you have to feel bad if you don't. There are middle grounds. Some people (including me) were told as a kid "if you know and love someone, it's okay". Not "wait till marriage," just "I know and love this person and I'm sure it's an experience (first or otherwise) that I want to have with them." No legal commitment required.
Even deciding you're okay with casual sex is probably not going to be enough to help you get over issues you have with meeting someone and starting a relationship with them. It's very unlikely that's the entire hangup here.
I've had a few friends-with-benefits relationships. I can't really recommend them. I've never had them come out with no feelings hurt whatsoever on either side.
Also, I know it may sound impossible, but you're very young at 23 to be thinking you'll never be married - not because you don't want to (because you sound like you'd be happy with marriage) but because you're very very down on yourself. You're 23, the current trajectory of your life is so fluid you could literally pick a direction tonight and be off on a new path tomorrow. And being a virgin at your age is not by any means a shameful or weird thing, hell the very wonderful guy I'm dating now was until he was 28!
So if tomorrow you wake up and decide "Yes, I'd like to have sex before marriage" -- which I would like to point out that while not for everyone, there is absolutely nothing wrong with having sex outside of marriage, provided it's consensual and safe -- and then proceed to muck through all the moral and religious thoughts that come with that decision, because those are things you need to deal with before the opportunity presents itself.
In summary, don't worry about doing the deed, but do work on why your mind is where it is and where your mind needs to be in order to feel good about yourself and your decisions.
For what it's worth I never even kissed a girl till I was 27. We're married now and I couldn't be more happy that I waited.
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When religion is involved, it is never about "your relationship with your wife", as you believe, but rather your relationship with God.
Are you a Christian?
You're only 23. You haven't even begun to live your life, there are a million more people you have yet to meet. So you won't be married within the next year or two, big deal, it certainly is not the end of the world.
Also, if you're trying to tell yourself you should just get it over with but you're having this much of a moral dilemma, then it is likely you don't really want to just get it over with. Don't push aside your morals because you think you need to lose your virginity, chances are you will regret it particularly when you do meet someone special to you. Make sure that if you decide you don't want to wait that you've REALLY decided, since there's no going back.
And on a further note, you seem to equate having sex with being able to meet more girls. This isn't the case. Sure, it might make it easier to sleep with someone else the next time, but it isn't going to suddenly make you debonair. As ceres said, there's other hangups here. Keep your chin up, man.
The last sentence confuses/worries. What's the difference between looking for a serious relationship and casually asking someone out?
In my experience choosing to wait for marriage for sex is a lot harder if you spend a lot of time thinking about sex/not having sex instead of finding something else to do. You can tangle yourself up completely in the issues surrounding this issue, but the simplest way to keep perspective on the issue is to go do something else and be happy.
Sure you can't take sex drive completely out of the equation, but if you reach a point where you feel that your life is somehow 'about' whether or not you're having sex, then you may be a little too obsessed with it. Even if you decide you want and are okay with having sex, you'll find it hard to move forward with a level of obsession that tries to separate sex from relationship.