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Yes or No? Asking someone out anyway?
SkyGheNe
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
TL:DR - There's a girl that I'm interested in...it's been the first time it's naturally happened in 5 years, but I guess she already has a relationship...is it wise to let her in on how I feel?
The Story.
I view relationships as, "There's plenty of people out there...it isn't so much about love as it is about caring about the person and making it work. This can be done with plenty of people." As a result, I've dated around and everything, and while there were some people that I could get along great with, I just couldn't do a relationship because I didn't care enough.
I thought I had gotten over the stage of "heavy chest/butterflies in the stomach" being in my junior year of college, but apparently not. I met a girl in my dorm this semester that is really swell...we get along easily, talk it up a bit, and have hung out late at night either doing something stupid like climbing or talking.
My problem is I believe she has a boyfriend already. Normally I would just skip and move on to the next person to see if they are relationship material, but it's been a long time since i've gotten the whole rumbly in my tumbly feeling.
My question is...have you guys ever told a girl that you like them even when they are in a relationship? How did it turn out? Just about every instinct in my body is telling me not to saying anything and I can be content with just building a friendship for now, but I'd really like to see how we would hit it off as a couple. Unfortunately, I've been waitlisted this year because i have six semesters under my belt (1700 people kicked off campus this year because of a housing shortage...random...gpa not taken into account) and I'm worried about losing contact, seeing as how some couples don't do the whole hanging out with the opposite sex alone deal.
I could talk about my tortured soul and all that jazz, but in all honesty while it would suck to not have a relationship with this gal, I figure worse things could happen...like prostate cancer...or maybe getting hit by a bus. So while I am excited about actually legitimately having strong feelings for someone in a long time, I don't want to develop an awkward situation or...who knows.
But yeah, any information on your personal experiences would be great.
The Story.
I view relationships as, "There's plenty of people out there...it isn't so much about love as it is about caring about the person and making it work. This can be done with plenty of people." As a result, I've dated around and everything, and while there were some people that I could get along great with, I just couldn't do a relationship because I didn't care enough.
I thought I had gotten over the stage of "heavy chest/butterflies in the stomach" being in my junior year of college, but apparently not. I met a girl in my dorm this semester that is really swell...we get along easily, talk it up a bit, and have hung out late at night either doing something stupid like climbing or talking.
My problem is I believe she has a boyfriend already. Normally I would just skip and move on to the next person to see if they are relationship material, but it's been a long time since i've gotten the whole rumbly in my tumbly feeling.
My question is...have you guys ever told a girl that you like them even when they are in a relationship? How did it turn out? Just about every instinct in my body is telling me not to saying anything and I can be content with just building a friendship for now, but I'd really like to see how we would hit it off as a couple. Unfortunately, I've been waitlisted this year because i have six semesters under my belt (1700 people kicked off campus this year because of a housing shortage...random...gpa not taken into account) and I'm worried about losing contact, seeing as how some couples don't do the whole hanging out with the opposite sex alone deal.
I could talk about my tortured soul and all that jazz, but in all honesty while it would suck to not have a relationship with this gal, I figure worse things could happen...like prostate cancer...or maybe getting hit by a bus. So while I am excited about actually legitimately having strong feelings for someone in a long time, I don't want to develop an awkward situation or...who knows.
But yeah, any information on your personal experiences would be great.
SkyGheNe on
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also, what college are you going to? that whole situation sounds crazy to me.
Funny thing though, the other day she told me that she had wished I had done something to make her break up with him so that we could start dating sooner. I laughed and told her I'm not like that, and the wait was well worth it.
So my advice would be just stay friends for now, and whenever she ends up breaking ot off with her guy now, swoop in. But don't close your eyes to other potentially single ladies that may be around.
Don't mess around with someone who is already in a relationship, it's a pretty dick move to begin with, and it can cause some problems with the boyfriend. It's nice that you have feelings for her, but it's a lost cause until she gets out of the relationship she's in now. Just keep seeing other people and if things work out to where you're both single at some point down the road, give it a shot. Good luck.
You tell / she stays with BF = ruined friendship
You tell / she leaves BF for you = RED FLAG. $5 says she'll dump you the second someone interesting comes along. Bonus - you get blamed for the failed relationship. This is fine if you're in jr high.
You keep quiet / she stay with BF = you start listening to dashboard confessional.
You keep quiet / she leaves BF for other reasons = Possibility of relationship.
If you are always thinking in that tiny part in the back of your mind (there's about a 1% chance she'd like me back) then it'll just take you longer to get over it.
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I pretty much know she has a relationship, if facebook is any indication. She's on my friend's list and it simply says "In a relationship."
Second thing...I'm sort of the comedian at school. I'll go out into the lounge and entertain people for a good few hours and she seems to really appreciate my sense of humor. In that respect, I feel like I can be myself and bullshit a lot less.
Last night it was about 1 am when her, I, and a few others were working. She asked anyone if they wanted to go to a late night place to pick up some coffee for the rest of the night...Seeing as how I was working on a paper for a good four hours, I said why not...I can take a breather and get to know her a little better.
Initially she seemed surprised, giving me the, "You're really coming?" With a smile.
As we were heading out, she stops by the door across from my dorm room and asks the kid in there...let's call him zach..."Hey, want to come to dunkin donuts with me?" When he didn't really respond immediately or enthusiastically, she said, "No pressure or anything...i'm just wondering" and seemed to say that a couple times more when he said no, not really.
Now...me and zach have some history. Last semester there was this girl that was excessively flirtatious but in the end chose me...or so I thought. She would hang out and zach would come in JUST to see if she was in my room or not. And sometimes he would come in, realize she wasn't there, and then crane his neck to see if she was lying in my bed (WEIRD). Suffice to say...he was all like "I want to marry you" to the girl, which I guess turned her off.
In the end, she wanted me as a boy toy and him as a shoulder to lean on.
I said no dice.
So here we are. I'm not sure how zach exactly feels about it all...but he has these weird mood swings. I can't really read him too well, seeing as how I just met him last semester. But it was big drama thanks to that girl and him. I just kept my mouth shut and went on with my business.
So I think zach might be dating the girl that I currently like. My thing is...is it innapropriate to hang out with her alone? Should I invite her to say...the mall, or lazer tag, or to an event with friends? Or is it okay to do it alone?
Also...I got about 2 hours of sleep last night because me, my roomie, her, her roomie and a friend of mine ended up chilling outside in the lounge, talking until 4 am. It was fun. She was very enthusiastic when I suggested a marathon lack of sleepathon next weekend...so I'm not sure. Maybe she's just being really friendly...who knows. But as of right now, I'll probably stick to the friends route and hope their relationship ends or something.
Should I just hide my intentions and wait like some people said? The guy that did the four scenario talk made good points...
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It's not like that...I didn't "share" anything. No bang bang involved.
And TBH, don't really know zach all that well...he is just a friend of a friend, but I understand your points. Previous issues may poison current ones.
Should I just make a quick, "are you seeing zach or something?" at an opportune time? Or use the relationship dig in general? Cause it just seems kinda silly to me when her page says she's involved.
*edit*
nvm, I think it'll become apparent over time anywho.
I wish I hadn't asked her, because ultimately it ended our friendship (unexpectedly!) At the same time, I don't regret it. I *had* to take the chance.
Take the story as you will.
God...two years
So far, I'm pretty sure I'm going to go the friends route. That seems to be the consensus and after reading about a lot of your experiences...I rather have a friend than nothing.
But again, this question still remains. Some people have told me hanging out alone with her wouldn't be a problem, but I need more opinions on this matter. Is it kosher to hang out 1 on 1 with someone who has a boyfriend? If you're thinking to yourself, "It could cause some unwanted tensions if you make a move," believe me when I say that I have a ridiculous amount of self control and wouldn't risk losing her as a friend. But that question remains...
Is it okay to hang out with her alone? Or should I coordinate group activities when I want to invite her out?
Secondly, it's completely fine to hang out one-to-one with someone with a boyfriend. They're not joined at the hip, they've got separate lives and are both free to hang out platonically with whoever they want; if anyone has a problem with this, its usually due to their own trust issues and isn't any of your concern. Don't worry about it.
About a year and a half ago, I was basically in your situation. I was friends with this girl, and I knew she had a boyfriend. We began talking on AIM (after a few days of that I asked her to the movies, as friends, got a kiss on the cheek) and after about 2 weeks of 4-5 hour conversations a night and countless hints, I just broke down and told her I had fallen for her.
She told me she felt the same about me, that she was going to give me a shot. She told me she wasn't particularly happy with her relationship situation. But it wouldn't be easy... She couldn't just break up with her current boyfriend. She didn't want to hurt him. So she asked me to give her some time, and we kept things a secret from everyone. We had a secret relationship for about 6 months, then she finally broke up with her BF. I'd say about two months after that, our relationship just stopped. She didn't break up with me... It just stopped. I still have no idea what went wrong. I've only seen her once in the past 8 months.
... But y'know... If I had it all to do again, I probably would. I was really happy with her. I would have regretted it if I didn't at least take that chance. And that's what's important. You can't spend the rest of your life wondering "What if...?" Up and telling her that you're head over heels for her is probably not the best idea in the world, but you've got to do something. Totally ignoring the fact that you have feelings for her might be worse than taking the chance and losing.
TL;DR: You've got to do something if you really care about this girl. If you don't you'll wind up square in the middle of regrets-ville.
Sounds like your classic drama queen - loves to be with any guy, even those outside of her real relationship, as long as the guy provides drama to her life. As soon as all conflicts are resolved and the dust settles, though, she'll be gone before you can say, "But we finally have the perfect thing going!"
I'm glad it worked out for you (in a matter of speaking), RMD, but my advice to the OP is to STAY AWAY from people like this. I had a very similar relationship dynamic with a girl just out of high school, and let's just say that it ended so badly that we're no longer on speaking terms anymore. Of course, since the girl is a drama queen, that very thing provokes her into trying to "win me back" every 3 months or so - she's never been able to appreciate that people like me are serious about our promises.
To the OP: ask her (or one of her friends) in person about the relationship. Girls often put that on their pages to throw off facebook stalkers, or simply don't update enough. If she's in a relationship, back off. If your feelings are really THAT strong, tell her about them, but then say that it would be better for the both of you if you didn't hang out together and stoke your flames. Do NOT, under any circumstances, start something with her until she's fully single, even if she confesses feelings for you.
So, I say that it's okay to hang out with her alone if you know that you're just going to pursue friendship. However, if you're going to pursue a relationship, keep other people around.
Unfortunately, I'd be fine with dating around and looking for someone, but if I'm still like her as I do now, I don't think I could invest in a relationship with another person once she was free, unless the other person was just as awesome, which is a possibility.
Thanks for the recent posts and your own experiences guys. I think i'll work on the friendship and hopefully things will work themselves out...she's fun to be around and that's what is important to me. Maybe own the road I'll hint at my liking at her - but only once I know that her current relationship isn't really cohesive or going well. I wouldn't want to be the catalyst for something like that.
The way I see a friendship is essentially a relationship without the sex. That's a REALLY simplistic way of putting it, but that's the jist. I can still hang out with her and enjoy her company while chatting and having fun. That's a huge chunk of a person and I can at least find a good amount of enjoyment in that.
I won't move in until things are settled with her boyfriend and I refuse to be responsible for breaking them up...so friends it is and in the meantime I'll get to know more about her.
Exactly. On Facebook, I'm listed as Married. Some people (girls in particular) choose to show themselves as unavailable on sites like Facebook so they won't have to deal with being solicited with unwanted cyber advances. Just ask. If she says no and then asks why, tell her the truth (i.e. you're interested in her). If she says yes and asks why, then once again, be truthful (because it's not like you're going to trick her by saying "Oh nothing, just curious." anyway). Something like "Well I was interested in asking you out but sadly it appears someone beat me to the punch." and then move on with the conversation.
Really. It can't hurt to ask unless you act like a freak afterwards.
Was a lot of fun and she seemed to enjoy it. But my thing is...there were a lot of opportunities where she could have hinted at liking me if she was really interested. At around 9 am this morning we all decided to head to my room to watch a movie, but you know how that roles when you've been up for 24+ hours. Instead of putting her head on my shoulder or something as a clue, she just sorta slept in place.
My thing is - I rather have some sort of hint that she's interested before moving in. Haven't gotten too much body language, but I sure as hell make her laugh a lot.
I'm just wary, considering i'm enjoying the friendship.
Seriously, figure out if she has a boyfriend and if she isn't dating anyone seriously then ask her out.
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lol nub!
Of course, I'm of the somewhat unpopular opinion that there's nothing wrong with trying to take a girl from someone else.
it sounds like you're waiting for her to do something that you don't have the balls to do yourself, i.e. initiate the obvious flirting.
Just get in there man.
I think she might be bi, and in a relationship with someone else already. Or rather, I know she is. She said something about it in passing to someone else in the lounge.
Oh well, hopefully i'll get over her faster than the last I felt this strongly for.