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First date help
Caladee
Registered User new member
Registered User new member
Not sure where to begin, not sure what I'm expecting from this thread either.
First things first, I have virtually no experience in this area.
Met a girl last week. Hit it off real well, spent the night together. Some minor freaking out the next day. I also met a guy who seemed really close to her.
We talked about it a few days ago and find out that yes, they are dating, hence the freaking out. But she's also interested in me. We decided to go on a date anyway and see what happens from there.
I guess what I'm looking for is anything I should watch out for, first date and all, since again, I have no experience in this matter, and I'm also starting off with a rival and not sure how this affects how I should do things.
First things first, I have virtually no experience in this area.
Met a girl last week. Hit it off real well, spent the night together. Some minor freaking out the next day. I also met a guy who seemed really close to her.
We talked about it a few days ago and find out that yes, they are dating, hence the freaking out. But she's also interested in me. We decided to go on a date anyway and see what happens from there.
I guess what I'm looking for is anything I should watch out for, first date and all, since again, I have no experience in this matter, and I'm also starting off with a rival and not sure how this affects how I should do things.
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This second part will be easier: self-important and moralistic people will tell you that going on a date with someone who is already seeing someone is immoral or unethical. Forget that shit. That's her problem. Let it develop naturally and she'll make the decision, and you are neither responsible for or involved in that dilemma.
Now, there are difference in meaning when people say "dating". It's perfectly okay to date multiple people to see if you really click/like someone. If that's the case, then just be cool, and don't completely focus on her. Keep looking for other girls to date as well. It's only an issue if she's not simply "dating" someone else, but in a full fledged romantic relationship and you're a distraction or side show.
As for how you should do things, you should just act natural and be cool and take the girl out on dates.
The worst thing that people do when they get nervous is ramble.
The first question you should ask yourself is "Am I interested in being in a relationship with someone who has a very recent history of sleeping with other guys while already dating someone?" In other words, if you and her do start dating, are you going to be totally A-OK with her shacking up with other dudes at the same time?
You may genuinely not have an issue with that - if you're just looking for casual sex and maybe some getting-to-know-you on the side, then sure, getting involved with a girl who shares those interests could work out for everyone involved.
My concern, though, is that your stated lack of experience in this area may result in one or both of you getting pretty badly hurt. Open relationships are great when both parties know what to expect, but they're not really the best or easiest thing in the world for people who are new to dating. Even at the best of times, having a new girlfriend suddenly cancel a planned date can be rough; if you think or know that she's doing it to hook up with another guy instead, how would that make you feel?
If you want to go for it, by all means, go for it. Just be aware of the potential for drama here.
That being said, it's up to you, it'll probably be a good learning experience, and getting hurt isn't all that bad? Well, it is, it sucks...but you get over it.
I was pretty much ready to accept what happened as basically a one-night stand before all this, so I think I'm fine with either outcome, though obviously don't want the "lesser" outcome from doing something stupid.
e.g. should I bother with flowers? Is that good, cliche, or desparate? Stuff like that.
Depends on what kind of girl she is. A couple of neutal flowers is a safe bet if thats what you want to do. Don't go overboard and show up with two dozen long stemmed roses. She may find that overwhelming.
Personally I wouldnt. Just take her out for coffee and talk. Maybe a light dinner in a public place. Just remember be yourself and be confident. Make her want you.
Little side story to illustrate my point... my father is not a terribly attractive man.. lazy eye... entire right cheek burn scar. When he was in the air force he saw my mother in a rec center on the base playing pool. Gorgeous woman. Every man in the place was crowded around her trying to impress her (lighting her cigarettes and whatnot). My dad glanced at her, they made eye contact, and he continued on his way, sat down near by and put his headphones on. She walked over to him and asked why he didnt join the crowd. He responded very calmly: "Im not a schmuck like those guys." They dated and bloop here I am today. Confidence goes a LONG way.
you're looking at at least 50% odds on that that for every relationship, though
honestly you'll learn a lot more getting hurt by this than you ever can listening to us
no I mean at least one person in a two person relationship always gets hurt when any relationship ends, and virtually everyone's first relationship ends, so your odds are at least 50% in favor of getting hurt
the point is, the danger of getting hurt in a relationship is in no way a reason to not go out with someone
you go, Caladee
I'm sure you'll have a lot of fun
I'm glad I clicked on this thread just for this story.
Also about flowers... Probably not a great idea for the first date, but yeah, if you do get the sense that she might like that sort of thing, some small non-cliche flowers could go a long way on a subsequent date.
You got lucky man, she could have easily just ignored him.
Yeah, that's not exactly a winning strategy nor is it "confidence". It's just pure happenstance. Ignoring women is not a good way to attract them.
OP, you've already spent the night with this girl, so you're in the door there. Just act naturally and be yourself, it's obviously worked for you so far. Keep on doing what you're doing and don't try and muck it up with contrived gestures.
Don't look at the other guy as competition. It's just bound to cause you stress. This isn't the movies.
All of this. Am I the only one who thinks it's a bad idea to go out with a girl who is clearly exploring options with other guys? Seems to me there lies a world of hurt down that path. I mean even casually it's kind of skuzzy to be sleeping with/dating more than one person at a time, if from nothing other than a sexual health point of view.
If you decide you're fine with it then for gods sake use a condom.
There's nothing "skuzzy" about sleeping with/dating multiple people at the same time. She's going on dates, not in a relationship with these two guys. There's a big difference. How is sleeping with two people that much more dangerous than sleeping with one? If condoms are used, there's really not much to worry about as long as everyone is aware of what's going on. In the world of dating, this is a very, very, very common occurrence.
Were she in a relationship with one person and then sleeping with another, that would be a whole other barrel of monkeys, but that's not the case.
Disagree. If you're confident, pretty girls will wonder why you aren't interested in them. It will not work 100% of the time, but anecdotal evidence here, I had a friend, ALWAYS had a pretty girl with him. Heard a mutual friend ask him how he did it one time, and he said he doesn't. He says 90% of the time he meets them in a bar, and it'll be when he's sitting at the end of the bar, brooding over his drink. He said that women think he's MYSTERIOUS when he does that, whereas if he hits on them like every other jackass in the place he's just another jackass.
He was also decently attractive (but overweight, FWIW) and knew a ton about psychology, particularly marketing tricks.
More anecdotal evidence along the same lines. For years and years and years I wanted a girlfriend, and I tried really hard to get one. Then when I was 19 I just stopped giving a shit and started going about my business without trying to impress anyone. Almost immediately I have a girlfriend, and I haven't been single for more than a month since. In addition to that I haven't gone out of my way to pursue a single one of them.
Be yourself and if yourself is a pretty cool guy the girls will come to you OP.
Good points. Yeah, fear of being hurt is a crippler, almost as bad as fear of rejection. I guess what I more meant was "there's a larger chance of her becoming uninterested in you, and then not informing you, so you have to find out the hard way."
That being said, the chance isn't as large as I thought it was, as I always forget that some people don't see "dating" or "going out" or whatever the term is as a committed relationship, they see it is testing ones options. With the people I grew up with, "dating" "going out" "going steady" "in a relationship" "being exclusive" were all synonyms. If a relationship was different than that, then it took defining it. This isn't always the case, so I guess clarify what you mean by "they are dating".