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Girlfriend and her family

SakebombSakebomb Registered User regular
edited June 2011 in Help / Advice Forum
She called me last night and had a really bad day. Crappy day at work, and then came home to her stepfather calling her a "piece of shit" for asking if she was on her own for dinner since she only saw two places set at the table. This came off as a total surprise to me because I had thought that the two of them got along well..

I was just completely speechless, and worried I came of as unsympathetic because I was at a loss for words. Part of me instinctually wants to go over there and punch him in the face, but the Vulcan side of my brain tells me it’s better to stay out of family feuds.

I am just not sure what I'm supposed to do...if anything.

Sakebomb on

Posts

  • bowenbowen Sup? Registered User regular
    edited June 2011
    Call her and apologize for not saying much, I mean I'd be speechless too. But I'd probably say, "Wow... I don't even know what to say about that."

    bowen on
    not a doctor, not a lawyer, examples I use may not be fully researched so don't take out of context plz, don't @ me
  • ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator Mod Emeritus
    edited June 2011
    Be supportive but don't get involved and don't pry. If you get involved you could make things worse between them, and if you pry and she doesn't want to talk about it you'll just upset her and she'll feel like she can't talk about it with you. Just let her know that you're there.

    ceres on
    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
  • spool32spool32 Contrary Library Registered User, Transition Team regular
    edited June 2011
    Basic communication, yes. Call and check in on her, make sure she knows you were blown away, rather than uncaring.

    Also, unless she's asking you for help or you're observing some unhealthy stuff go down (abuse, neglect), don't get involved in her family drama. Without knowing much else, it doesn't sound like this is a big serious relationship... just a standard girlfriend thing. I wouldn't dive into the middle of her mess, but I would call back and be supportive + commiserate.

    #1 problem guys seem to have when dealing with reaction to their female partner's problems: they feel they need to fix the problem without having been asked. Instead, just listen to the problem and make sympathetic comments without trying to solve anything. Maybe ask her "is there anything I can do to help?" and if she says no, then don't try to.

    spool32 on
  • SakebombSakebomb Registered User regular
    edited June 2011
    Wow, thank you for the quick responses, its good to hear others points of view

    Sakebomb on
  • amateurhouramateurhour One day I'll be professionalhour The woods somewhere in TennesseeRegistered User regular
    edited June 2011
    spool32 wrote: »
    Basic communication, yes. Call and check in on her, make sure she knows you were blown away, rather than uncaring.

    Also, unless she's asking you for help or you're observing some unhealthy stuff go down (abuse, neglect), don't get involved in her family drama. Without knowing much else, it doesn't sound like this is a big serious relationship... just a standard girlfriend thing. I wouldn't dive into the middle of her mess, but I would call back and be supportive + commiserate.

    #1 problem guys seem to have when dealing with reaction to their female partner's problems: they feel they need to fix the problem without having been asked. Instead, just listen to the problem and make sympathetic comments without trying to solve anything. Maybe ask her "is there anything I can do to help?" and if she says no, then don't try to.

    It took me three years of dating my at the time girlfriend/currently wife before I understood this, and she basically had to spell it out for me.

    Be supportive, but don't just go solving a problem she isn't asking you to. Call her back, tell her you were just speechless and that you're there for her for whatever she needs, and unless she tells you that her stepfather is beating her or something, stay out of her family business in every area except emotional support.

    amateurhour on
    are YOU on the beer list?
  • Chases Street DemonsChases Street Demons Registered User regular
    edited June 2011
    Amateur and spool have it right - most guys are wired as "fixers", where women are wired as "empathizers". Now clearly there are some things you'll be called on to fix, but in many cases when a girl you're involved with is telling you a problem it's because she wants to talk about it rather than to specifically have you provide a solution.

    Through personal experience I've found that I get good results by doing the empathy thing ("wow honey, that really sucks! I can't believe that happened to you!") and then transitioning into fix it mode ("is there anything I can do to help out?")

    And of course, further caveats. Occasionally your woman will expect the fix it response. Unfortunately for you, there aren't many signs for this. Just be prepared to spring into action. ;)

    And staying out of her family stuff is a wise idea. Support her, shun her stepfather.

    Chases Street Demons on
    "Sometimes things aren't complicated," I said. "You just have to be willing to accept the absolute corruption of everybody involved."

  • Penguin_OtakuPenguin_Otaku Registered User regular
    edited June 2011
    Yea, this kind of parental abuse is all too common with my relationships... well my first one at least. Mom was pretty high strung, feminist, did really care for any men (I fell into that category) and especially since I was after her daughter. Now I'm assuming I wasn't the only reason for her aggression, but apparently after I would leave sometimes there'd be shouting matches and fights. Slamming doors and other things.

    It was always the worst when I was over there to hang out or something, there was almost a jealousy that she was hanging out with me instead of her mom.

    Anyway, know it's not your fight. You can't change anything and if you do try to (which sometimes I did) it often just makes it worse for them. Because then the parent gets upset and feels like they're being ousted to people as being a bad person and it just snowballs.

    TL;DR: Don't do anything other than be there for her.

    Penguin_Otaku on
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  • Penguin_OtakuPenguin_Otaku Registered User regular
    edited June 2011
    Regarding "shun(ning)" her stepfather? Don't do that. It's not your fight. Stay out of it, act normal.

    Penguin_Otaku on
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