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Help with a fear of driving.
Aubreebree
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I am 17, going into my senior year of high school and I am afraid to drive a car. I have taken a class about driving and have driven around an empty parking lot a few times, but I am afraid to get out on the road around other cars and people for two main reasons:
1. I am afraid I will space out, since I space out every other time I ride in a car.
2. I am afraid to make a mistake and hurt someone. If I make a mistake and hurt myself, I could live with that. But the possibility that I could make a mistake and hurt someone else scares me deeply.
The down side to not driving is obviously missing social interactions, having to ride the bus to and from school, as well as the overwhelming fear of having to move off to college and rely on others for motor transportation.
What would you all suggest I do to face my fear/problem in a logical and probable way?
1. I am afraid I will space out, since I space out every other time I ride in a car.
2. I am afraid to make a mistake and hurt someone. If I make a mistake and hurt myself, I could live with that. But the possibility that I could make a mistake and hurt someone else scares me deeply.
The down side to not driving is obviously missing social interactions, having to ride the bus to and from school, as well as the overwhelming fear of having to move off to college and rely on others for motor transportation.
What would you all suggest I do to face my fear/problem in a logical and probable way?
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If it's the latter than don't worry, most people just drive around on "auto pilot", I know I do. The only time I really snap out of letting my subconscious do all the driving for me is when I'm lost or doing something particularly tricky.
Other than that I'll just say everyone is scared shitless the first few times they get behind the wheel. But you have to remember that it's highly unlikely you could hurt anyone because it's the job of the driving instructor sitting next to you to stop that. Trust me he/she isn't just going to let you mount the pavement and mow down pedestrians. These guys are watching your every action like a hawk and they have the experience to know when something is going to go wrong before it happens. All that happens then is they use their brake to take the car to a controlled stop.
Just stay out of your head, keep your eyes on the road and worry about the driving, nothing else. The more you drive the less scary it gets, trust me on that. I've been driving for over three years now (with a licence) and it's pretty much the most mundane thing in the world.
Knowing the limits of yourself and of the machine will help. How long does it take to get going? To stop? How does the steering respond? By being comfortable with the car, you'll know how soon to respond and have more confidence. Just like playing a game.
You learn to pay attention to important details and ignore the rest. Like checking for peds at intersections, or watching for cars next to you changing lanes. Act as if everyone else is shit at driving and you'll be a lot better off. That is, assume you have to pay attention because no one else is.
So that might sound scary, but remember you;re in control, so you'll know how to react, whether it's to brake, to speed up, or to change lanes.
I guarantee that driving and being driven in a car are two completely different things. It is one of the reasons I prefer driving to being the passenger, because being driven is BORING and PASSIVE and driving is way more engaging than that. The only times a true space out might/should occur is when you are doing long stretches on the highway for more than an hour. Your subconscious however is always going to be "on" and trying to keep you alive, so you should always feel aware of the cars around you. Stuff like this will get honed the more your drive.
Everyone is scared the first few times they drive. That is normal, and the only way to get over it is to drive more.
Some helpful driving tips:
Driving is just like any other potentially hazardous activity. Don't be dumb and you're probably never going to have a problem. The people who tend to hurt/kill others while driving are not the conscientious sort. You're probably not going to hurt anyone as long as you're mindful of hazards and obstructions. Especially watch out for barriers on the sides (trash cans, shrubs, etc.) that obscure people.
The best thing you can do is push your physical boundaries. My first 40 mile round trip made every shorter trip feel trivial.
It's scary, but the best advice I can give is to just go out and do it. Get away from the parking lots, run with your hazards on if you feel uncomfortable, and go driving.
Having general anxieties myself (I recently switched all my California stuff to North Carolina) I felt the freaking out was (is, generally) much worse than the actual act.
Your safety comes first. If you're at a stop sign for example, and the guy behind you is being an impatient dick, it doesn't matter. If you don't feel safe to go, don't. Because if you pull out to make him happy and get in a wreck, he damn sure isn't going to pay for it.
And that said, if you get overwhelmed, there are so many places to pull over safely. If you need a break, take a break. No one is going to judge you! I'd much rather my driver take a 5 minute break than be a nervous wreck!
Also, if you have someone who you're more comfortable driving with, drive with them. I was more comfortable with my dad than my mom, so if you have someone like that, of an older cousin or friend, practice with them. Just because you can drive alone doesn't mean you have to!
The way I handle it (I have many of the same fears you do) is just to cut down on driving when possible (which I also do for environmental reasons) and to drive carefully when I am behind the wheel (I suggest not "spacing out" like Casual suggests: he's right that most people do it, but unless you're on an empty road, being alert and driving defensively is never going to be a bad idea).
The second thing I do is to realize that American society is built around driving in a way that is not going to change. We all rely on cars to a greater or lesser degree to get around, and there's nothing anyone can do about it. You might look at the damage a car can do or the number of people who die each year in car accidents and say "holy shit, every time I get behind the wheel I might end up a murderer!" but the bare fact of the matter is that it's extremely unlikely that you're going to hurt or kill anyone and you're not really going to function in most American cities unless you're okay with driving.
Finally, if you're driving in a town/city and you're being careful, you're not going to kill anyone because you won't be going fast enough to be running down pedestrians before you have time to stop, and if you're driving on the freeway and you're being careful, it's likely not going to be your fault if there's a crash and someone gets hurt/dies.
So that's how I do it! Hopefully that's helpful because I think I have the same sort of weird mental issues as you seem to have. The other option is to try to become more like a normal person, overestimate your ability to drive and underestimate the damage a car can do, and just space out. It'll certainly save you a lot of stress.
So really for me it was just the sense of "how difficult can it be".
Yes, at first it still felt like all the other cars kept driving towards ME instead of towards their destination, but the realisation that driving is something almost literally everybody does really calmed me.
So I had to drive a 20 year old car about 5 miles, get onto the interstate where I drove another 10miles at 70mph, then back onto curvy country roads for another 15 miles to my grandparent's house.
Suffice to say, by the time I got there, my arms were so sore from being tensed up on the wheel that I was unable to drive back home. But after that, I never really was afraid of driving again.
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The biggest thing is to just focus on what you're doing, as others have said. You can't change or affect the other drivers on the road, so just worry about yourself. Keep an eye on others, of course, but in the end the only thing you can control is what you do.
As far as spacing out goes...what you mean by that needs to be further clarified. If you're riding in a car, it's perfectly normal to space out as you really don't have anything to pay attention to. If you can't focus on anything period without spacing out, that's a problem.
Oftentimes a trial by fire is the only way to get you out of being afraid. I took a job that required me to drive a stick years back, though I didn't know how to drive one. How did I learn? My trainer took me onto the freeway in Houston during rush hour, pulled over and told me to drive. I learned really fucking quickly, and pretty much drained my reserves of fear that day.
I still do it cause...you sorta have to just get over it. Also if you take a class, the car you drive has a second brake the instructor can control. And he certainly doesn't want you to kill him or other people, so he can protect you until you get situated and comfortable.
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This. Learning manual gives you a sense of control over your car that you just don't get with an automatic.
I've driven very tired once, and that was probably the worst choice I've made while driving. Thats the only time my reaction time was off. No matter how bored you are, if you are awake and alert and not doing hypnotic strait highway driving, you will have plenty to do to not space out. On the Highway, I keep track of all the cars around me by color, which relaxes me and helps me keep track of who just moved to my blind spot.
If you have a very patient adult in your life, drive with them. I would not drive my mom as I learned to drive, because she freaked out, and the added stress was not helping me reach my goal, which was to be comfortable. Driving alone was also a huge help in making me calm down, its easier to pay attention.
It's true. Whatever kind of car you go for the point where you lose your fear is when the actual operation of the car becomes second nature. Once you don't have to devote any conscious thought to it you can devote it all to the road and other cars.
This first stage of actually learning to drive is just an awkward phase you'll go though.
Do not learn from a friend or family member. You WILL absorb their bad habits and there's a good chance you already have a few planted deep in your mind from your parents growing up. Everyone does. Lucky for you, you've got a clean slate to work with. Make it count.
edit: Seriously, if you take a full, accredited driving course (classroom AND driving experience), and later on someone you know tries to give you a tip on driving that contradicts what you've learned from your teachers, ignore your friends. Do not listen. When I was 16 I paid for and took the full package from Young Drivers with all the bells and whistles; the very first thing my (in-car) driving instructor told me was that I was guaranteed to go home, take a drive with my parents and they were going to try to tell me how to do things the proper way. There's obvious advice and legal obligations that they should and will be reminding you of, like remembering to signal, obeying the speed limit and other signs, which is all fine and good, but they will also try to get you to drive "their way". Use this opportunity to tell them that they're wrong and show them why. As a teenager you are ten times worse than most of the drivers out there simply because of your lack of experience and still developing brain, but you haven't yet built up the bad habits or misunderstandings about driving technique that many adults have. This is for your safety - I cannot stress this enough. My parents were and are fucking fantastic drivers - perfect Roadstar record with ICBC for over a decade - and yet I still had quite a few chances to tell them while driving them with my new license that they were doing this or that incorrectly, and that doing so is either a) unsafe, b) illegal, or c) just downright lazy.
I used to absolutely petrified of driving, everything from changing lanes to parking was an absolute nightmare and a recipe for tears. The freeway was completely off limits to me for a long time due to sheer terror. I was afraid of similar things, hurting someone, crashing, etc, and every second driving seemed like I was heading for disaster
honestly, you just need to drive more. Start small, drive somewhere close and then slowly work your way to to longer drives or to a quick go on the freeway. Take someone with you (someone who is VERY calm and wont criticize you). Its all about practice!
1) It is not necessarily irrational to be afraid of driving; the roads are legitimately dangerous, as the statistics bear out every year, and vehicles are manufactured to perform at speeds that humans have not evolved to comprehend.
2) Check and see how viable it is for you to not drive. My parents and siblings were absolutely convinced that it would be totally impossible for me to not own a vehicle and get around; so far, they've been wrong - but that's because the cities in Canada have pretty decent public transit & bike trails.
3) If you decide that you really must drive, (EDIT: Or, if you really want to drive) see how much more comfortable you feel driving smaller vehicles. I've found that it's much easier for me to get behind the wheel of an old model Volkswagon, a Mini or a Smart Car than larger cars or trucks (visibility is much, much better in these vehicles, it's almost impossible to screw-up parking them, they cannot achieve extremely high speeds, etc).
All kinds of useful advice in here.
it is NOT going to happen to the same degree while driving, and it is not going to happen at all if you are as scared as you say you are.
Just remember, this
belongs on the racetrack, not the road.
My boyfriend told me that he was afraid to be a passenger when I was driving, and convinced me to take a "car control" class put on by a local car club (instructed by professional driving instructors - they also do training for race car drivers, police, etc.) After a few of those classes, I was a much better driver. My situational awareness is better and I've avoided two possible accidents by watching what's going on and knowing how to get out of the way. (And now I go to track days for fun, but that's another story!)
I'd recommend looking into driver education classes put on by local car clubs. The one I went to was put on by the BMW club but most of the cars were not BMWs... the focus wasn't on the car but on the training.
This is actually fantastic advice (and is something I was going to recommend).
1) Take as much driver's education as you need to feel comfortable. Once you feel comfortable there, you and your car should consider a high performance driving education course (some are glorified track days, others arent). They will teach you more about the physics of your car; if you brake now, you will spin; if you gas now, you will fishtail, etc. In addition, going to more of these events (once you are more comfortable) helps to remove the 'need for speed'; when you can do 100 mph safely at one of these locations, you often find yourself driving safer on the road and not as quickly either. Plus some can be used as Insurance discounts.
2) Manual transmission car; the benefits are immense. For one, you need to concentrate more on driving and you leave less on auto pilot; it's more gas efficient (for those of us without lead foots); you pretty much cannot be texting / talking on the phone / sipping your latte in a manual car, which is less distraction.
3) Keep your car in working order. It doesnt matter if you are the safest person on the road if your brakes fail you when you need to stop.
I've found it's generally the opposite for most people - they always go for the brakes in situations it would be better to accelerate and get around the problem.
Which is another piece of advice: Fuck those guys!
I just wanted to give this the emphasis it deserved. Particularly in cities someone is going to be unhappy with the way you're driving and want you to change it. Don't. Don't speed up because someone is riding your bumper, don't pull out into an intersection because someone honks at you, don't pull into an intersection because your passengers think "it's cool man, you can make it", don't make that left turn just because someone stops to let you through if you can't see the other lane of traffic. In short, don't do something dangerous just because some other jerk thinks it's a good idea, and don't feel guilty about being careful. Your life and your car are more important than the guy behind you getting where he's going a minute sooner.
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