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Confused - I'm too young for this?
underpressure
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I need some help, kind people of h/a.
To start off - I'm 23 years old and recently (about 4 months ago) got out of a fairly long relationship (2+ yrs). I have had a very hard time getting over this woman and in the last few months I have had a number of meaningless 1 night stands in an attempt to sort out my feelings/get over her/whatever. Those went fine. Recently, however, I met a girl that I find genuinely interesting.. she's pretty, funny, social.. she's not 'the one' but she is a person I enjoy hanging out with.
Here's where my problem comes in - we were very attracted to eachother and slept together within a few short dates after meeting. The first time we slept together, I was able to have sex with her and the sex was actually really fantastic, but I was unable to finish, so I faked it. The second time (most recently) I couldn't get it up. I dragged the foreplay on as long as I could to try and stimulate myself but nothing worked. I've never had this happen before and don't totally understand why/how this happened. I have never had a problem getting off or getting hard, infact I find myself to be very easy to get aroused. After this most recent time, the girl because incredibly embarassed, assumed it was something wrong with her and asked me to take her home. I did my best to reassure her that I found her very attractive and that it had nothing to do with her.. but I don't have a real relationship with this girl (only been on a few dates) so I don't think she really puts much faith in that.
I guess my question is twofold: 1) wtf is wrong with me and why isn't my 23 year old penis jumping on the chance to have great sex with a beautiful girl, and 2) is there any hope that I haven't completely destroyed my chances to continue seeing this girl? I am worried now that next time we get to the sexytimes (if we even see eachother again...), I will put too much pressure on myself and be unable to preform again.. once is a fluke, twice and I'm sure she will be done with it.
Help!
To start off - I'm 23 years old and recently (about 4 months ago) got out of a fairly long relationship (2+ yrs). I have had a very hard time getting over this woman and in the last few months I have had a number of meaningless 1 night stands in an attempt to sort out my feelings/get over her/whatever. Those went fine. Recently, however, I met a girl that I find genuinely interesting.. she's pretty, funny, social.. she's not 'the one' but she is a person I enjoy hanging out with.
Here's where my problem comes in - we were very attracted to eachother and slept together within a few short dates after meeting. The first time we slept together, I was able to have sex with her and the sex was actually really fantastic, but I was unable to finish, so I faked it. The second time (most recently) I couldn't get it up. I dragged the foreplay on as long as I could to try and stimulate myself but nothing worked. I've never had this happen before and don't totally understand why/how this happened. I have never had a problem getting off or getting hard, infact I find myself to be very easy to get aroused. After this most recent time, the girl because incredibly embarassed, assumed it was something wrong with her and asked me to take her home. I did my best to reassure her that I found her very attractive and that it had nothing to do with her.. but I don't have a real relationship with this girl (only been on a few dates) so I don't think she really puts much faith in that.
I guess my question is twofold: 1) wtf is wrong with me and why isn't my 23 year old penis jumping on the chance to have great sex with a beautiful girl, and 2) is there any hope that I haven't completely destroyed my chances to continue seeing this girl? I am worried now that next time we get to the sexytimes (if we even see eachother again...), I will put too much pressure on myself and be unable to preform again.. once is a fluke, twice and I'm sure she will be done with it.
Help!
underpressure on
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As to your situation with her: just keep reassuring her, and hope for the best. Hopefully it'll work out!
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I guess the way this situation reads to me is: One night stand = not emotionally scary = no problem with sex. Sex with girl you are actually interested in = potential for long term relationship = difficulty with sex.
Bottom line, there's nothing wrong with you. As Turnip suggested, stop masturbating, in case that factors into it. Could be simple nervousness as well. But it could also be your brain warning you that you are still have some sorting to do in your head.
As for how to move forward with the lady, I would say reassuring her is good, but it also might make her feel better if you talk with her about it in detail. Just saying, "Everything's ok." when it clearly isn't doesn't do much to help her feel safe and happy. Let her know what you are thinking, and not when you are actually in the middle of trying to have sex. Sit down with her and tell her all that good stuff you told us, and then start working over why sex might be hard when you are really into her. Hopefully that works out!
-Ancient Dwarfish Proverb
As far as not faking it - I don't know if thats an option. I mean, if the first time we had sex I just stopped and said "lol can't come sorry" thats the end of that. We don't have an open communicative relationship (and maybe thats my fault for rushing the physical part) just yet and I know she enjoyed it and thats good enough for me. I don't care a lot about blowing my load.
I am thinking when(if) we hang out again I am not going to try to sleep with her.. I am going to work on the actual getting to know eachother part. For all I know though, I was just a hot guy she wanted to sleep with and since that didn't work as planned, seeeeeya!
How long should I wait to contact her? I don't know if she wants or needs some time to get over it or what. Also, should I bring it up directly wth her again or just try and let it fade to black? I reassursed her a lot immediately after it happened.
The longer you wait to talk to her, the more it's going to look like from her POV that you don't care
I tried everything I could think of to stimulate the region. Nothing worked.. it was like playing with an exceptionally large gummy worm. No tingly feeling at all...
This is a good point but a little off... I don't think she is judging me for not being able to get it up. She is feeling like I am not attracted to her and it made her very insecure. As far as I know, its not like now she thinks im not a man or anything.. she just doesn't feel hot around me.
In other words she doesn't trust you?
That actually does fit within my point. It doesn't make her a bad person, but it does make her immature for assuming you couldn't get it up because she's not attractive. And that's contributing to your performance anxiety because you feel responsible for making her feel attractive by "performing" on cue. That's not your responsibility and if she's got baggage that keeps you from talking honestly with her about it, that's bad for you as well. Part of maturing is realizing what constitutes a healthy relationship (again, not necessarily long term) for you. This isn't about using people to get what you want, it's about learning what you need for a relationship to be healthy and being able to communicate that to a partner, even a short term one. If you can't communicate, then you're playing guessing games trying to get into each other's heads and I'm pretty confident that mind reading is just a bunch of hokum, so open communication works much better.
I do quite lot of work with couples... my personal opinion seems to be, that you still little traumatized from past experiences to certain extent. It does happen and typically having new relationship will fix with the time. But here is something I want to warn you, because it has direct effect to your own self-esteem. You should never, and I truly mean it, thing that you are somewhat inferior thanks not being able to give great sex. That doesn't tell anything your ability to be good lover and great partner.
But if you are scared about not being to satisfy her sexually, here is technique I recommend to you:
1. Lube your middle finger. You can use body's natural fluids, astroglide, etc.
2. Then, put the finger so deep inside her vagina you can.
3. Instead of moving it back and forth, move your finger up and down in slow manner.
This very simple, but powerful, technique will stimulate her A-spot, feels incredibly pleasurable, and it will typically lead into very powerful vaginal orgasm within 5-10 minutes. The thing is that only 30 percent of women has actually experienced vaginal orgasm, and if you are the first guy who can give this to her, she will treat you very differently. Just trim your nails, as the area has very thin skin, and you can easily give her microscratches. Its like women giving blowjob using her teeths, so don't do that mistake.
This is very sound advice from Mr. Druhim.
The A-Spot, AFE-zone or Anterior Fornix Erogenous Zone. Also referred to as the Epicentre, this is a patch of sensitive tissue at the inner end of the vaginal tube between the cervix and the bladder, described technically as the 'female degenerated prostate'. (In other words, it is the female equivalent of the male prostate, just as the clitoris is the female equivalent of the male penis.) Direct stimulation of this spot can produce violent orgasmic contractions. Unlike the clitoris, it is not supposed to suffer from post-orgasmic over-sensitivity.
Well, he did say to push your finger in really deep.
Is this not the G-spot?
OP: Performance anxiety is perfectly normal at any age, don't sweat it, don't focus on it, next time you are with her focus on pleasing her and you will have great sex whether or not you get it up.
Right past spots F->B.
Honestly, the problem is that it happens once, and then the next time you are thinking about it happening so it happens again, and then you're thinking about it every time, and the whole thing has snowballed. After having this problem for over a year with three or four girls, I was able to completely get rid of this problem by deciding I just wouldn't worry about it anymore.
Really, just tell yourself you are normal and do not think about it. Any tension you have will just take you out of the situation and cause the problem to happen.
As long as you've had normal sex before or masturbate normally, just don't worry about it, really.
Sex is weird yo, it's crazy how your psychological state can affect something that you think your body would have on evolutionary autopilot.
The best way to fix it is to get with a partner that you feel comfortable talking about this sorta shit with. Someone who isn't going to give you shit for having an off night once in a while. When I got with a friend with benefits she was pretty straight about it. "Eh, we all have off nights. Don't worry about it." is basically what she said and all of a sudden all my anxieties went poof. Life's been great ever since.
Are you on any medications? Especially for depression?
Or an H/A thread can offer as much information as possible on a particular problem instead of two pages of "you need to get that pinky up there".
Depression meds are incredibly common and their effect on libido is an incredibly common side effect. So that could explain it. If the OP is diabetic, that could explain it. If the guy is stressed out over a job, that could explain it. There's nothing wrong with considering whether or not he has one of the many common medical issues that would correlate with problem he's having.
I like your particular brand of condescension that it's her fault for not feeling sexually attractive around the OP. Good job.
You're perpetuating the message that, hey something is probably wrong here! Maybe it's meds you're on or diabetes! Let's grasp at straws to explain something that's quite normal!
Let's start from basics first shall we? I know that it is very popular in western medical culture to assume that subject must be fucked up, and then find and present worst (and often highly unlikely) possible alternatives to subject first. This makes many healthy human beings think they are fucked up, and believe that they have these diseases, mental disorders, even though they just had bad day. Yeah, sure, they may feel little down, perhaps feel little anxious, worry about things, but they are still normally functioning human beings. This is important, because idea has been planted on someones mind, it is damn hard to shake that idea off.
EDIT: Echo
But hey, let's just call the girl immature for feeling unattractive and keep telling the guy that having a nice chat will solve all of his problems.
And usually communication does solve a lot of problems. I know mind reading doesn't.
At the very least her reaction shows a lack of trust - which is death for any friendship or relationship.
I would say in this case, as you pointed out, both are working in tandem with one another.
Maybe not. A urologist will be able to check the mechanical aspects of your wing-ding and recommend options for the mental aspects if this turns out okay.
OP, when you are by yourself, are you able to get erections and masturbate to completion? Do you get morning wood? If so, the impotence is unlikely to have a physiological origin, but instead be performance anxiety of some sort. (And the crappy thing about p.a. is that it is a feedback loop. You can't get it up, and the stress of not getting it up and shaking your dick and saying "Why won't you work, you stupid penis?!?" only makes it harder to get it up. Then the shame kicks in, and the feeling like you're failing her and failing yourself and all the other stupid stuff, and you can forget about doing anything but pushing rope that night.)
Or it could be anxiety induced. There is absolutely nothing wrong with seeking the help of trained medical professionals who are smarter than a bunch of nerds on a message board. Myself included.
Or maybe those sick parkour moves the OP did last month caused some peripheral neuropathy. Maybe he fell off his bike and slapped his nuts on the crossbar.
Or maybe he really does need to yell some more at his penis. If we want to be realistic here, it is probably anxiety or stress induced. Unfortunately yelling at your penis and going "COME ON DAMNIT" are not the solutions to fixing stress or anxiety. Some people need medicine (there's that crazy word again!) and some people are good at self introspection and resolution. Dude may need guidance and yelling at his penis is probably not the right kind.
Yelling at my penis has not fixed penis involved issues before.
Oh yeah, sometimes having a discussion with your partner doesn't help either.
Not if it is in response to the same psychological stimulus.
OP has not given us necessary additional information.