Here is a breakup thread

ArtificialColoringArtificialColoring Registered User
edited July 2011 in Help / Advice Forum
Hi. I am seventeen years old; going into my senior year of high school. My girlfriend of two years broke up with me two weeks ago. I would like to note that this post will probably be full of what will seem to you like hyperbole and melodrama, especially given my age. I'm posting this because I don't know what to do and because I feel that getting it out in writing will help somehow. I intend to be honest about my situation and how I feel. I am slightly nervous that this will make me the subject of ridicule or dismissal so if that is your intention at least pay me enough respect to keep it to yourself.

So anyway, here is the tale.

Two Mondays ago, July 18, my (now ex) girlfriend admitted after inquiry that something was wrong. I went over to her house to discuss this with her and she told me she thought that we should break up. To me it seems that nothing caused this, we had had a disagreement the previous day but nothing more serious than things we had worked through in the past. I picked up my friend and drove around essentially rambling in hysterics. At this point I wasn't entirely convinced it was over. A year previous she had broken up with me only to text me the next day asking to get back together. I thought this would happen again.

It didn't. The next day I invited one of my (female) friends over. I pretty fully intended to hook up with her. I think I was trying to grasp at the good parts of no longer being in a relationship. We went up to my room and started hitting my bong. I took too much. I had a panic attack and had to lay on my bed for an hour before I could calm down. My friend left and while still shaken up and only just coming down I called my ex. I asked her to make me understand why this was happening. She essentially told me that she just didn't like me anymore. Just a week or two before we had cuddled on my couch and watched movies, we had fucked in my car on the fourth of july twice, she had comforted me through my anxiety, she had sent me long Facebook message when I was out of town telling me how she missed me. I couldn't - I can't - comprehend how that had all changed so quickly. It literally seems like overnight we just lost all of that. That she transformed into some new person.

That night I slept two hours. I went to the mall with my friends the next day. I tried to be out of my house as much as possible. A few days later we swapped the books we had lent each other. We had a pleasant conversation as I was no longer in hysterics. She texted me afterwards complimenting my hair cut and we chatted a bit. Us hooking up still came up in conversation. I knew it was a bad idea, I just wanted it so bad. A few days passed and I said hey to her on facebook. I just asked how she was doing. During the course of this conversation it was revealed to me that she had attempted to sleep with someone else. Apparently she had gone to a party and while drunk attempted to have sex with this guy. I know him casually but he had been friends with her for a while. She told me that it was terrible, that he had been too drunk to get it up and that she had cried afterwards. I called her and we talked for an hour. I told her that she meant a lot to me, even if we weren't dating, and that I would be there for her. She cried and told me I meant a lot to her too. She admitted to having issues with anorexia again. She said she missed me and asked about being friends. I told her I couldn't make myself stop having romantic feelings for her and said that I didn't know.

That was it until tonight. She texted me asking just casually about some things. Then my friend (let's call him Jim) told me that my other friend (now named James) had been texting her in a very sexually explicit way. He told me that she had sent him nudes. I messaged James and told him to never talk to me or look at me again. I was furious. I called my ex. I said angry things, she said she was allowed to do whatever she wants. Several of my friends called me. I eventually answered the phone for my female friend from before. I broke down crying talking to her about what had happened. Jim told me James wanted to talk. I called him. He told me he was sorry. He meant it. I've never heard him sound so upset or ashamed. I told him it was fine and explained why it had affected me so much. I talked to Jim for a while. Then I called my ex. I told her that it would be the last time we talked for a long time. I told her that I had no problem with her wanting to end our relationship if she no longer wanted it but that her actions had shown a complete lack of respect for how I felt. I told her how much her actions were hurting me. She mumbled some sorry's and then asked "what else do you want me to say?". I hung up. I deleted her number from my phone. I unfriended her on Facebook. I unfollowed her on Twitter.

And that brings me to the present. For the past two weeks I have been unable to sleep in my own bed because I need a TV to distract me or my thoughts keep me awake. Food holds no appeal to me. I don't eat until my stomach starts hurting so bad I can't stand it and even then I have to force myself to choke down a meal. My anxiety has been bad. I wake up every morning with a knot in my stomach that won't go away. When I hang out with my friends I feel distant, like I have to force laughter and smiles. This girl was a huge part of my life for two years. I told her everything. She was my best friend. I lost my virginity to her and her to me. I have spent the last two years of my life feeling like I was wanted and loved and now it's gone. I am completely baffled. Everything seemed to change so fast, this person I talked to tonight isn't the one I was dating. I feel like my best friend and girlfriend has died and been replaced with this emotionless alien being who wants to fuck my friends. I literally feel the worst emotional pain I have ever felt in my entire life. I feel worse than when my grandma died. I don't know how to cope with this. I don't know what to do. I don't know what has happened or what is going to happen.

So there. Typing that out has already made me feel a lot better. I guess I don't have any specific questions. Just whatever advice you have is welcome. Thanks for your time.

ArtificialColoring on
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Posts

  • admanbadmanb unionize your workplace Seattle, WARegistered User regular
    ... that's a breakup! The extra drama is high school crap, but for the most part... yeah, breakup. Posting here was a good idea. Typing it out is theraputic.

    The number one most important thing to do is continue avoiding contact with her. It sounds like you're already on that track, so good job. The rest of it is just living your life. Distractions are good, hanging out with friends is good, exercise is very good. The crippling emotional pain is normal, but it will fade quicker than you can believe right now.

  • Hahnsoo1Hahnsoo1 Make Ready. We Hunt.Registered User regular
    Sounds like my first breakup, too. It gets better, believe me. I wrote a lot in a journal after the break up, just to get it all out. Looking back at it, it seems very silly now, but I remember the intensity of emotion and the depth of the loss. I do suggest writing a lot, but probably in a private manner, in some way that won't come back to bite you in the ass. A notebook in a lockbox probably will be enough (absolutely nothing that's connected to the Internet in any way). If you are the creative sort, maybe spend some time diving into your creations, whether it's music, art, or whatever.

    It's important to cut off contact with your ex as much as possible. Yes, it will feel like there's a huge hole in your life where she used to be, but trying to cling on to something that isn't there will only make things worse.

    It does get better. It may feel like the end of the world, but many of us have been through what you are going through, and we all survived. We are scarred perhaps (I certainly was), but those are scars that are worth bearing.

    Di87pOF.jpg
    PSN: Hahnsoo | MHGU: Hahnsoo, Switch FC: SW-0085-2679-5212
  • GafotoGafoto Registered User regular
    admanb wrote:
    The crippling emotional pain is normal

    This is good advice for all H/A threads.

    It's very possible to be friends with your ex, just give it quite a bit of time. In a few months you'll feel differently about her and your relationship (though you might not think it possible at this juncture).

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  • naporeonnaporeon Registered User regular
    @Gafoto makes an excellent point, and I would in fact expand upon it.

    Nothing about how you will feel in a couple months will seem possible to you now. Time is really all that can help in this situation, and that can't be rushed or forced. It just...happens.

    It's ridiculously overwrought, but I remember a rough breakup I had long, long ago. This excerpt from Rilke's "Letters to a Young Poet" really helped put things in perspective, and give me a little hope. Who knows...maybe it will do the same for you?

    You are so young, so much before all beginning, and I would like to beg you, dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.

  • SwashbucklerXXSwashbucklerXX Swashbucklin' Canuck Registered User regular
    Breaking up sucks, bad. I'd say it hurts the worst the first time, but that's not always true. The fine folks here are absolutely right that the pain you're feeling is normal, but you're also doing the right thing by cutting off contact with her and trying your best to live normally. Keep going out with friends and doing the things you love, and one day you'll find yourself forgetting to think about her so much and actually having fun again. Try not to do too much messing around with other ladies until you're doing it because you want to and you're enjoying it, not because you're hurting. It won't make you feel any better about yourself and it's not fair to the ladies in question.

    Also, I see you're a fellow anxiety sufferer... please don't hesitate to go talk to a counselor/psychologist about this. They can help give you strategies for coping with how personal tragedy compounds your anxiety, and at the very least can help get you back to eating and sleeping right. You'll be amazed at how much taking care of your physical needs properly can help your emotional state as well.

    Want to find me on a gaming service? I'm SwashbucklerXX everywhere.
  • Penguin_OtakuPenguin_Otaku Registered User regular
    Sounds like one of my threads from back in high school.

    First off... listen to the advice here. I tried to fight it and "follow my heart," but more often than not ended up flat on my face and worse off than before. We've all been through something like this and know that (as cliche as it sounds) that time heals all wounds.

    It's rough, it sucks. You're going to feel like shit before you feel like sunshine.

    Now coupled with all of the drama intertwining with friends, it's gonna be a little more rough.

    I think that unfollowing her on Twitter/FB/deleting her number might have been a bit much, but I can see that you'd not want to be reminded of her when looking at your phone or whatever. Probably a good move.

    Just echoing everyone elses sentiment, I feel for you -- I do. Especially with another year of school left. This is a time to harness negative energy you might have and go be productive. Go hit the gym, write, get more involved with things. My girlfriend in highschool was the same. We were very involved with each other's lives and lost our virginity to each other just like you and your ex. As much as I thought she was my true love and that I'd be with her forever time has shown me otherwise and that while as great as it was, it does get better.

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  • Hey thanks for all the advice. I really like music and poetry and my creation and consumption of these has about tripled. That bit from "Letters to a Young Poet" piqued my interest enough to look it up and I've now ordered it. I'm out of town (World Boardgaming Championships!) and it's really helped get my mind off things. So then I got a seven paragraph note from her on Facebook in which she profusely apologized, told me she didn't expect an apology from me, called herself and attention whore, and told me she though she had Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Then ended it with an "I love you". 48 hours ago I would have cut off my hand for this message but now I don't feel anything. I feel like I can't handle any more emotional duress so I've just shut down. What should I do about this? I mean the immediate solution is Elliott Smith on loop but beyond that I'm lost.

  • Penguin_OtakuPenguin_Otaku Registered User regular
    Give it time, let it marinate a little bit. I'm sure she was sincere, but keep in mind what she put you through before.

    Whatever happens though, it will work out someway somehow. Maybe not immediately, but it will.

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  • Hahnsoo1Hahnsoo1 Make Ready. We Hunt.Registered User regular
    I wouldn't take stock in anything she says or writes unless she talks to you, face-to-face. You know, you shouldn't be reading notes from her in any capacity. Cut off the contact. Don't respond to her overtures unless she speaks to you face-to-face (in which case, you probably should talk to her, as she is making the effort to meet you). Give yourself the time and space that you need.

    Di87pOF.jpg
    PSN: Hahnsoo | MHGU: Hahnsoo, Switch FC: SW-0085-2679-5212
  • ForkesForkes Registered User regular
    While I agree with most everything Hahnsoo1 says, I disagree with you having to feel obligated to talk to her. Especially right now.

    If you don't feel like you can/should talk to her, don't. It will only make things worse. Talk to her when you are ready. At this point, neither of you owes each other anything, and if you aren't ready to talk to her don't. Just leave it as it is.

    I'm sure that you are feeling like a bag of shit, and I'm sure you have heard this before, but man, once high school is over, it's over. Get through your year. Graduate. Go to college. Then look back on this, and realize that, while it certainly sucked, it wasn't the end of the world.

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  • Hahnsoo1Hahnsoo1 Make Ready. We Hunt.Registered User regular
    No, I didn't mean "Go talk to her!" That's a bad idea. I mean if she's standing right in front of you (as in, went completely out of her way to try to get a face-to-face talk instead of this Facebook and texting shit) and wants to talk to you, it would probably make things far worse in the drama department if you sought other options like 1) running away. 2) standing there dumbly saying nothing. 3) coldly staring at her. 4) screaming at her to go away. Those are all Bad Things (TM).

    Di87pOF.jpg
    PSN: Hahnsoo | MHGU: Hahnsoo, Switch FC: SW-0085-2679-5212
  • SwashbucklerXXSwashbucklerXX Swashbucklin' Canuck Registered User regular
    So then I got a seven paragraph note from her on Facebook in which she profusely apologized, told me she didn't expect an apology from me, called herself and attention whore, and told me she though she had Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Then ended it with an "I love you".

    And this sounds like an excellent set of alarm bells telling you that you're doing the right thing concentrating on getting over her and taking care of yourself. The very act of declaring a self-diagnosed mental illness on Facebook is the kind of destructive behavior that shows that not only is being in a relationship with her bad for you right now, being in a relationship isn't the right thing for her, either. She needs to be relying on her other social networks (family, friends, physicians) to get her own head on straight rather than trying to get the person she just broke up with to take her back. And yes, that's the exact advice I'd give her if she were writing here instead of you. Don't take the bait; it's not your responsibility in any way to take care of her.

    Glad to hear that you're starting to clear your own head and are feeling a bit better. Your instinct to keep away from her drama is exactly right; keep listening to it!

    Want to find me on a gaming service? I'm SwashbucklerXX everywhere.
  • RobAnybodyRobAnybody Registered User
    The only thing I would add to all this really solid advice is be prepared for her to come back at you in a hostile way after you ignore her pleas for attention. She may very well throw guilt trips your way, say you are penalizing her when she tried to apologize, and all that crazy crap designed to mess with your head. I think cutting off contact is a very smart instinct, but just be ready in case she comes looking for a fight. And super props to you for keeping yourself busy. I know I've struggled mightily with past breakups just to get out of bed, and it sounds like you are doing that and much more. Well done!

    "When a man's hands are even with your head, his crotch is even with your teeth."
    -Ancient Dwarfish Proverb
  • ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    Yeah, that note? I wouldn't respond to it. It's not worth it. Nothing you can say will likely improve the situation. Just keep doing what you're doing.

    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
  • ArtificialColoringArtificialColoring Registered User
    edited August 2011
    So it turns out I am weak. Once the idea of getting back with her got in my head it seemed so tempting. I spent an entire day basically fantasizing about being back with her and how happy I would feel. That night I messaged her and forgave her (something I do not regret, I don't believe in holding grudges against people who really regret what they've done) and told her I loved her too etc. I re added her on Facebook and Twitter and started chatting with her. I arranged to meet up with her and talk.

    Then it turns out she never wanted to get back with me. it was a connotation i read in her letter that was neve there. She was just trying to set things straight because she felt bad. I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach repeatedly. Then she started trying to ask me when i would be emotionally ready to accept her getting with my friend because she really likes him.

    I feel like a recovering heroin addict who was told heroin is actually perfectly fine for you and binged on it and then found out heroin still kills you and is now addicted to heroin again.

    So i don't think spurning her advances will be a problem for me.

    Sorry for completely ignoring all your advice after asking for it. My desire to have things not suck got the better of me. Also, celibacy is driving me insane.

    ArtificialColoring on
  • Hahnsoo1Hahnsoo1 Make Ready. We Hunt.Registered User regular
    I think we've all been in that position before, sad to say. But I can tell you that it gets better. Just make sure you give it some time. You won't get better overnight, or even a week, or even a month. But it will get better.

    Di87pOF.jpg
    PSN: Hahnsoo | MHGU: Hahnsoo, Switch FC: SW-0085-2679-5212
  • puffycowpuffycow Registered User regular
    Sorry for jumping in here late...

    Don't beat yourself up over not following all this advice. In these situations I find that I always knew deep down that I should do what my friends are advising me to do, but when you are still in love/feeling the breakup pain it's so easy to slip.

    Now hopefully you have some closure even thought it sucks.

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  • SentrySentry Registered User regular
    edited August 2011
    Everyone fails the "don't talk to the ex" test. That's why so many people can say it's a terrible idea, because we've all done it. But now you've done it and can actually see what a terrible idea it is, so that should actually help you move on. Sorry for what you're going through, but it will get better with time, that's an absolute promise.

    Sentry on
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    wrote:
    When I was a little kid, I always pretended I was the hero,' Skip said.
    'Fuck yeah, me too. What little kid ever pretended to be part of the lynch-mob?'
  • EncEnc A Fool with Compassion The Land of Flowers (and Dragons)Registered User regular
    edited August 2011
    Ever heard of the Six Month Rule? Not sure where it originated, but it's simple and works consistently.

    Six Month Rule: After breaking up with an EX do not contact them, write them, hang out with them, or speak with them if at all possible for six months. After this point, one or both have likely moved on or, if not, that will be sufficient indicator that the couple should try again.

    Note: This does not mean be a dick. If you have your Ex's stuff, for example. Give it back. Common sense, after all.

    Enc on
  • Penguin_OtakuPenguin_Otaku Registered User regular
    Yup. I used to be that guy who didn't heed the H/A advice.

    It happens man, and usually the results are like this. I completely understand not holding grudges against people, I feel the same. Life's too short. But. She's hurt you twice now, keep your guard up at least. Don't lose the same way twice and get burned by getting too chummy with her too soon.

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  • republic of merepublic of me Registered User
    this might be considered a bit crass but i am going to say it any way (as i always do). i recommend you completely ignore her and go on a few hook up websites, get a makeover and go out to a few bars and get wasted with a few women and basically shag all around you like a rabbit. Get all of the tension and sexual frustration out of yourself and then eventually whether it be in a few weeks months or years you will find some one worth your time and worth giving your heart to. until then avoid relationships because theres nothing worse than rebound. Go out, have a good time, have lots of meaningless sex with meaningless plastic people, have some good heart to heart conversation with meaningful real people and focous on the rest of your life in between

  • DiorinixDiorinix Registered User regular
    RoM, the OP is 17. I think recommending underage drinking in public establishments is a very poor way of dealing with a break up healthily (regardless of all the times that many of us have done so).

    AC, keep trying to reassure yourself that you are not alone, and that many people who've had traumatic break ups had the same feelings you've got right now. Its the middle of summer - try to find an outdoor activity to keep your mind off of the crippling emotions that creep up - bike riding, outdoor pools, etc.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    Mmmmm....toasty.
  • DisrupterDisrupter Registered User regular
    edited August 2011
    Considerng he is 17...I do not think the above advice is worth heeding. My advice is not to do the above. Focus on yourself, focus on doing something youve always wanted to do but never had the guts/motiviation. Make yourself better as a result of this event and im sure you will move on to better and brighter things.

    Not the one directly above...the one two above. The one above is perfectly worth heading.

    Disrupter on
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  • LanchesterLanchester Registered User regular
    Jumping in late here, but everyone here has already given you the avoid her advice, which is good.

    Now the other friend thing, I would recommend talking with him about this and express to him how you feel about it. I had a situation happen to me in high school when a friend went out with my girlfriend while we were going out (which I know isn't the same situation you are dealing with), but I haven't spoken to him since.

    However close you are with your friend who she's interested in, talk to him about the situation and if you're comfortable with it. If you don't talk to him about it, he might not know that it will really hurt your if he pursues and you could lose your friendship if that's how you feel.

  • EshEsh Tending bar. FFXIV. Motorcycles. Portland, ORRegistered User regular
    Lanchester wrote:
    Jumping in late here, but everyone here has already given you the avoid her advice, which is good.

    Now the other friend thing, I would recommend talking with him about this and express to him how you feel about it. I had a situation happen to me in high school when a friend went out with my girlfriend while we were going out (which I know isn't the same situation you are dealing with), but I haven't spoken to him since.

    However close you are with your friend who she's interested in, talk to him about the situation and if you're comfortable with it. If you don't talk to him about it, he might not know that it will really hurt your if he pursues and you could lose your friendship if that's how you feel.

    Eh, I'd say write "James" off. Any guy who starts sexting your ex that soon isn't much of a friend and pretty goosey to boot. There's no point in trying to salvage that friendship and it will only remind you of everything that happened. If you really want to, keep him as an acquaintance, but after that kind of action, I'd personally have a hard time keeping someone like that close.

  • Penguin_OtakuPenguin_Otaku Registered User regular
    Never thought I'd say this, but I agree with Esh in this situation. Went through something similar recently. Guy was actually my roommate, don't talk to him.

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  • LanchesterLanchester Registered User regular
    Oh yeah, I agree with that too. I guess my main point is talk to him so he can't come back with anything like "Oh, I didn't know it bothered you". And the OP would feel more confident in ditching him has a friend.

    If this friend your ex wants to hook up with is the original friend mentioned in the OP (James I think?) and you've already had that talk with him, and he followed through and went after her anyway, then you know he isn't worth it and doesn't deserve your friendship.

  • SnackbarSnackbar Registered User regular
    I'm gonna go ahead and suggest talking to the friend, also. Since you guys are in high school, I don't find it completely surprising (though it's obviously not acceptable under these circumstances) that a guy would send naughty texts to a girl, regardless of either party's status in a relationship. I mean, the hormones are ragin', reputation, blah blah...

    Kinda echoing here, but the way I see it, if you talk to the friend about it and he respects your wishes, maybe you can salvage the friendship. He's already apologized for the texting business, and if he was genuine that, maybe he'll go ahead and back off from the idea of dating her after you two talk. If you don't, your friend will have the opportunity to date her under the justification of, "Oh, I didn't know it would bother you," as Lanchester mentioned, and you'll almost certainly resent him for it and then remaining friends will be unlikely. Really, your friend should already know that it would hurt you for him to date her, but people do dumb shit when they're that old.

    And for what it's worth, I am going through some pretty weird relationship stuff right now also and know that debilitating, end of the world, stabbed-in-the-heart agony you're probably fighting with. It really does happen to everyone, which I know doesn't make up for how shitty it is.

    Also, naporeon, that Rilke quote is so right on the money for people in relationship trouble. Thank you for that. =)

    Destroy what destroys you.
  • The two friends are the same, yes. The night I found out about it I messaged him on facebook basically saying "get out of my life and never talk to me again" except I was far less polite. When he called me he told me he was done talking to her and seemed more upset than I'd ever seen him. On top of that all our friends are kind of pissed at him too. I think that's more than enough to learn the 'this is why it's bad to mess around with friend's ex's lesson' and we're pretty much all cool. I guess when she was asking about dating him she wanted me to talk him into talking to her again? Somehow I don't think that's going to happen.

    Also, I assure you I will not being hitting any bars.

    I've started to see all these flaws in her too. Looking at her Facebook profile she just seems like such an idiot from the things she posts. I know she isn't but she has this thing where she feels like she has to please everyone. She's terrified of being herself. And beyond that she never really shared herself with me as much as I did with her. I knew she had problems and before I wanted to help her and fix her but now the prospect of finding someone who can just chill out sounds really refreshing.

  • DhalphirDhalphir don't you open that trapdoor you're a fool if you dareRegistered User regular
    Welcome to your first breakup.

    Bad news - there's nothing you can do to get over this quickly. It will hurt, a lot, for quite a while.

    Good news - it will stop hurting by itself, there is nothing you need to do to make it go away eventually

    Stick to the "no contact" thing, that just makes it harder. There's nothing wrong with resuming contact at a later date but for now its the worst thing you can do.

  • JepheryJephery Registered User regular
    edited August 2011
    Here is a nice feel better after break up song:



    I brushed against those freckles that I hated so,
    Life goes on and I heave a little sigh for you.
    It's heavy, the love that I would share for you,
    But it dissolves like it was just a sugarcube.
    Now the little pain sitting in my heart
    Has shrunk in a bit, but it really does hurt me now.
    Those silly horoscopes, I
    Guess I can't trust them after all.

    If we could get further away,
    I wonder what it would be like... ?
    Yay!
    I'd be so happy
    Inside my heart.

    All the memories I have are beautiful in my mind,
    But they don't feed the hunger deep inside my soul.
    And tonight I thought,
    I'd be just sitting in my sorrow.
    And now I must wonder why.
    What did it really mean to you?
    I just can't see it anymore!
    I just can't see it anymore......
    Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-ohhhhhhhhhhh.....

    --

    Just singing this over and over is very cathartic.

    Jephery on
    }
    "Orkses never lose a battle. If we win we win, if we die we die fightin so it don't count. If we runs for it we don't die neither, cos we can come back for annuver go, see!".
  • Certainly vibing with the lyrics.

    I'm afraid my tastes are a bit more stereotypical for someone of my age and position though.

  • JepheryJephery Registered User regular
    edited August 2011
    Heh, yeah it does seem you are a little too young to have grown up watching anime on Toonami. The funny thing is that I never realized that opening was a break up song until this week. Its insanely cheery for something like that, but I think that just makes it better for the purpose.

    Jephery on
    }
    "Orkses never lose a battle. If we win we win, if we die we die fightin so it don't count. If we runs for it we don't die neither, cos we can come back for annuver go, see!".
  • Penguin_OtakuPenguin_Otaku Registered User regular
    Man, you wanna listen to some good "hurt" music, listen to Ray LaMontagne, specifically "Burn."

    However, my advice regarding your friend... I do agree some dialog should take place. If nothing else, clear the air, let him know where you stand and leave it at that. Outside of that, it's up to him how he responds and what he does. In reality, depending on yours or his future plans you probably won't have much to do with this kid in the future anyway. Remain friendly/civil if you can, but don't strive to keep as a best friend to him.

    And concerning or music choices - negativity breeds negativity. So if all you do is listen to sad, what-if songs, that's how you're gonna feel.

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  • GreasyKidsStuffGreasyKidsStuff MOMMM! ROAST BEEF WANTS TO KISS GIRLS ON THE TITTIES!Registered User regular
    Also, OP, don't think you're wrong to be unhappy if your friend starts making moves on your ex, or vice-versa. It's a shitty thing to do and a shittier thing to be on the other end of (I know because I've been there and two years later I still don't talk to the guy). I would talk to him about your concerns (I did), and if he's worth anything he'll back off, at least until you say "yeah go ahead buddy". But for now you're obviously not okay with that so make that clear to him. They may scoff at your reasoning but you gotta do what's best for you.

    It is the worst, trust me. But you make it through. You may have -1 friend at the end of it buuuuut you get there.

  • ArtificialColoringArtificialColoring Registered User
    edited August 2011
    So I last posted a week ago and if anything things are getting worse. The explicit details of the texts she sent to my friend were told to me. Thinking about that makes me want to curl up and disappear. I'm constantly forcing myself to go out with friends but I don't look forward to it and when I'm out with them I find myself hopelessly bored. When I'm home I just meander around my house doing nothing. When we first broke up I was at least consoled by the idea that I would get to go out and meet and mess around with new girls, which sounded all fun and exciting. But now a month has almost passed and I haven't talked to a single new person. I'm starting to seriously feel bad about myself. I think about how she's probably out fucking around with different guys and I just sit around doing nothing all day. In addition to this I feel hopelessly lonely. My friends who were receptive and understanding at first are still trying to be helpful but it's becoming more and more apparent that they're tired of me moping around so I've stopped talking to anyone about it. Everything is supposed to get better but it isn't. I don't really see how it will. My life is so much worse now. I've been trying to cope with an onset of anxiety and other assorted issues since last spring and our relationship was always what I would cling to when things got bad. When I was out of town and I started having panic attacks I would close my eyes and imagine laying with her on my couch watching a movie to calm myself down, now I feel like I have no support. Before this I can't remember the last time I cried. Now I feel like I break down crying every day. I constantly try to think of things I could say to her but don't end up contacting her because I'm afraid of making myself seem pathetic or desperate. On top of all this I feel stupid for letting a breakup effect me this much.

    Sorry for just basically re-posting my OP.

    ArtificialColoring on
  • Hahnsoo1Hahnsoo1 Make Ready. We Hunt.Registered User regular
    It doesn't get better immediately. In fact, I'd say that most people feel the way that you feel about break-ups in the month or two or three after their first one. It does get better. It's only been 11 days since your July 31st posting. Different people will recover in different lengths of time, and every relationship affects people in different ways, especially after the relationship ends. You are feeling lost and sad, and you should allow yourself to feel lost and sad. If people are expecting you to turn around and be all better in a couple of weeks, then they'd be fools. The memories, strengthened by the deep emotions, haven't had enough time to become distant ones. Just hang in there, and take it one day at a time.

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    PSN: Hahnsoo | MHGU: Hahnsoo, Switch FC: SW-0085-2679-5212
  • HeirHeir Registered User regular
    So I last posted a week ago and if anything things are getting worse. The explicit details of the texts she sent to my friend were told to me. Thinking about that makes me want to curl up and disappear. I'm constantly forcing myself to go out with friends but I don't look forward to it and when I'm out with them I find myself hopelessly bored. When I'm home I just meander around my house doing nothing. When we first broke up I was at least consoled by the idea that I would get to go out and meet and mess around with new girls, which sounded all fun and exciting. But now a month has almost passed and I haven't talked to a single new person. I'm starting to seriously feel bad about myself. I think about how she's probably out fucking around with different guys and I just sit around doing nothing all day. In addition to this I feel hopelessly lonely. My friends who were receptive and understanding at first are still trying to be helpful but it's becoming more and more apparent that they're tired of me moping around so I've stopped talking to anyone about it. Everything is supposed to get better but it isn't. I don't really see how it will. My life is so much worse now. I've been trying to cope with an onset of anxiety and other assorted issues since last spring and our relationship was always what I would cling to when things got bad. When I was out of town and I started having panic attacks I would close my eyes and imagine laying with her on my couch watching a movie to calm myself down, now I feel like I have no support. Before this I can't remember the last time I cried. Now I feel like I break down crying every day. I constantly try to think of things I could say to her but don't end up contacting her because I'm afraid of making myself seem pathetic or desperate. On top of all this I feel stupid for letting a breakup effect me this much.

    Sorry for just basically re-posting my OP.

    Man I remember my first break up. We broke up right when summer break started. My entire summer was ruined because of it. Didn't help that I sat around doing nothing, just thinking about it.


    You can't do that dude. I don't know how you found out the details of that text, but avoid any further details. "Out of sight, out of mind" is a saying for a reason.

    I know it hurts man, but it'll get better. I'm sorry it's happening to you. But hey, in a year you'll be in college. You don't want to be tied down anyways then. :winky:

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  • ParielPariel Registered User regular
    edited August 2011
    Understand this: everyone goes through something like this in their life. Degrees of severity vary, but it's just how relationships turn out: sometimes you get hurt. Sometimes, people are huge dicks and hurt you really bad. You got really screwed, but only you can keep that from deciding how your life goes.

    If you spend all your time focusing on what you don't have or can't do, you're obviously going to feel pretty bad about yourself. Be positive (note: I did not say "try"). It may not seem like it right now, but there will be other women at some point, and then won't be backstabbing hoes. Go out and do things you like, preferably things the two of you didn't do together. You can be happy without her, you need to go out and find out how though.

    If you really cannot feel better about this in the next week or two (by which I mean returning to you normal life, sleeping in your own bed, etc.), you need to seek professional help if you aren't already (since you clearly already know you struggle with anxiety).
    Heir wrote:
    You can't do that dude. I don't know how you found out the details of that text, but avoid any further details. "Out of sight, out of mind" is a saying for a reason.

    This is so true. You might want to know, but it cannot end well. Realize that, and change course before it makes you feel worse.

    Pariel on
  • LilnoobsLilnoobs Alpha Queue Registered User regular
    edited August 2011
    Hey OP hold on there. Fortunately, you're still young and things will get better. I know it's rough; my girlfriend of 8 years and I just recently broke up. It took me about 8 months to finally start meeting new people and stop being such a recluse. I know right now it feels like it's the end of the world, but a lot can happen in a year. Compare who you are now to who you were a year ago, you have definitely changed a lot and so has your life (in many areas). As you get older, you'll notice time will go quicker and a year will happen before you know it.

    Lilnoobs on
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