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suicidal fiance
spacerobot
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Ok, here is my situation... my fiance is suicidal... I think she wants to break up with me... she is always disrespectful to me, and when I say things to her about being disrespectful, she takes it as a personal attack and becomes all depressed. She absolutely cannot take criticism. She tries to break up with me all the time, and then comes back to me a few days later... well, after she did this a few times, I became fed up with it and decided to let her break up with me.
Once i Let her break up with me, she of course came back to me a few days later... when I told her that I cannot have a fiance that does these things to me, she became depressed and understood it as if I was calling her dumb, hopeless, rude, and all these other things (which I did not say it in that way at all).
Here is the thing... she is Japanese, and is currently living in Japan. I am an American an in the United States. I have been working on the forms to get her a fiance visa... and she really wants me to turn them in. It costs me 170 dollars to file these forms, but if we cannot be happily married couple, I cannot do it.
Last night she became really depressed, said I didn't love her and didn't care for her (I really really do love her) and that she has nothing to live for. I became worried that she would commit suicide, so I tried talking to her, and told her that I would do anything for her as long as she does not hurt herself. She then told me that if I mailed in the visa forms on tuesday (tomorrow) she wouldn't hurt herself any more.
I agreed (I did not want to see her hurt) and I finish all the visa forms and get them ready to mail in. Today goes bye, and I have all the forms ready, then I start talking to her again today, she seems fine... not depressed at all, she tells me that she loves me. A little while later she becomes depressed again, and isn't sure if she loves me... but shows no suicidal tendencies.
I tell her that we should only mail in the visa forms if we both want to do this. One thing leads to another and she becomes very rude at me for no reason, and becomes suicidal again.
I feel like I am being held hostage in this situation... if I don't marry her, then she'll kill herself. But if I do marry her, i'll have a miserable marriage. What do I do?
I can't call her parents to tell them, My Japanese is very poor, and she said If I told them then she would hurt herself even more.
I am really really scared for her... I was just talking to her a minute ago, and told her that there is a lot of hope in her life, and that if she won't let me be her hope, then she should let me help her find hope.
She then said she was going to go for a drive (she has a car, but her father never lets her drive because he's wants her to stay safe, she is 22 years old). She then tells me in another email "bye Will
"
I feel so lost, I don't know what to do.
tl;dr
My fiance and I have not been getting along lately, and I am starting to reconsider our potential marriage. When I suggest that perhaps we should wait longer before getting married, she becomes suicidal and demands that I file her visa forms immediately or else she'll hurt herself.
Once i Let her break up with me, she of course came back to me a few days later... when I told her that I cannot have a fiance that does these things to me, she became depressed and understood it as if I was calling her dumb, hopeless, rude, and all these other things (which I did not say it in that way at all).
Here is the thing... she is Japanese, and is currently living in Japan. I am an American an in the United States. I have been working on the forms to get her a fiance visa... and she really wants me to turn them in. It costs me 170 dollars to file these forms, but if we cannot be happily married couple, I cannot do it.
Last night she became really depressed, said I didn't love her and didn't care for her (I really really do love her) and that she has nothing to live for. I became worried that she would commit suicide, so I tried talking to her, and told her that I would do anything for her as long as she does not hurt herself. She then told me that if I mailed in the visa forms on tuesday (tomorrow) she wouldn't hurt herself any more.
I agreed (I did not want to see her hurt) and I finish all the visa forms and get them ready to mail in. Today goes bye, and I have all the forms ready, then I start talking to her again today, she seems fine... not depressed at all, she tells me that she loves me. A little while later she becomes depressed again, and isn't sure if she loves me... but shows no suicidal tendencies.
I tell her that we should only mail in the visa forms if we both want to do this. One thing leads to another and she becomes very rude at me for no reason, and becomes suicidal again.
I feel like I am being held hostage in this situation... if I don't marry her, then she'll kill herself. But if I do marry her, i'll have a miserable marriage. What do I do?
I can't call her parents to tell them, My Japanese is very poor, and she said If I told them then she would hurt herself even more.
I am really really scared for her... I was just talking to her a minute ago, and told her that there is a lot of hope in her life, and that if she won't let me be her hope, then she should let me help her find hope.
She then said she was going to go for a drive (she has a car, but her father never lets her drive because he's wants her to stay safe, she is 22 years old). She then tells me in another email "bye Will
"I feel so lost, I don't know what to do.
tl;dr
My fiance and I have not been getting along lately, and I am starting to reconsider our potential marriage. When I suggest that perhaps we should wait longer before getting married, she becomes suicidal and demands that I file her visa forms immediately or else she'll hurt herself.
spacerobot on
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All I can really say is that you should bring her over and live with her for a while to see if it'll work out. Either that or cut it loose now, taking precautions to warn people around her first to watch out. I'm sure her parents will be more than willing to comply if it comes to that, since it sounds like they disapprove of your relationship anyway.
I think I'd go with the 2nd if only because she sounds almost sadistically manipulative.
What do I do?
Will a suicide hotline help me, even though I'm not the one that's suicidal?
Although perhaps I just had an opening... she just emailed me "You should find other girls." and I responded. "I can't because I'm afraid that then you would hurt yourself." I have a feeling that was the wrong thing to say.
She then emailed me "don't talk to me anymore"
I'm still really afraid she'll hurt herself.
I'd call her bluff and tell her parents. If her life really is at stake than you can at least try to communicate with them. This is their daughter, I don't think they'd care if your Japanese is less than perfect. They need to know. Thousands of miles away, they are her best bet for real help.
Man, this really sucks.
i'm worried sick about her.
edit: I accidentally talked to her father on the phone once... he just hung up because he couldn't understand me.
oh boy.
Just my hunch but I think she's more desperate to get away from where she is than to get closer to where you are. If that makes any sense.
I don't think it has anything to do with leaving Japan. edit: she really loves her country, and we were even planning on returning there a few years after we got married.
I actually don't know what to think.
anyway, I called her on teh phone, I was using skype and only had 2 dollars left, and calling her cell phone used those minutes up very quickly.
I told her I cannot continue our relationship. She of course, begins to tell me that I hurt her all the time, and she can't be without me.
I told her i'm sorry, but I can't be in a relationship where I am hurting someone all the time... then my skype minutes ran out.
I sent her an email describing in more detail why I cannot continue the relationship.
I feel abslutely fucking horrible, since this is teh woman I was in love with and wanted to marry.
I don't know what to do.
Apart from that, the break up of a relationship that close and intense is going to be rough no matter what. But brighter days lie ahead.
I hope I have the conviction to stand up for myself when she asks me to take her back... i've failed msierably with conviction in the past, and i've always accepted her back, but I always got hurt again.
But you're right, i'm sure brighter days do lie ahead.
But a personal rule is if someone threatens suicide to manipulate my actions it will result in me giving responsibility to the proper authorities to take care of the situation and fucking bolting. Even if issues are resolved I wouldn't want to be with someone you used such a desperate measure to control me. Period.
Be strong. Best of luck.
edit: That was really good advice What's her face. I feel as if it will give me much more control of the situation. Thanks again for the advice.
bottom line- anything she choses to do is HER CHOICE. Not yours. (my ex did not kill her self when I was finally able to bring myself to break up with her). It sounds like she is taking up a lot of your life, your time, and your energy. You deserve better. There are amazing people out there, and you can't control or fix people who are really screwedup, unfortunately. And being abusive to someone you are dating is really screwed up. Threatening to kill yourself is also really screwed up. Being abusive and also threatening to kill yourself is really, really, really screwed up.
Good luck.
YES
A couple possibilities to consider: 1) the extreme long distance relationship and prospect of living away from everyone she knows is freaking her out, 2) she's unstable or manipulative and is trying to blackmail you emotionally (I'll hurt myself if we break up). If it's #1, then the problem is fixable unless she just can't handle living in the US away from family and friends. If it's #2 and you give in, she'll whip this out anytime she wants to get her way. That's an emotionally abusive relationship and you'd be the one getting abused. Like others said, if you want out, then get out. She's trying to make you feel responsible for her choices.