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Need help dealing with my suicidal, transgender, supervisor...
Paper Luigi
Registered User new member
Registered User new member
Not sure how to start this off because it's really all complicated to me and difficult to explain to others that ask. So, I'll start from the beginning and hit the important points. This could be a big wall of text, but please bear with me.
About a year ago I got a job in a new department of my current employer. This department is within the same division. So I had already kind of known everyone in my new job. Wasn't a real big move. But I was going from first shift to third shift, so I didn't really know the people that worked that shift. I knew of them, but never met them. Well it turns out that one of them is a transgender who had just recently started taking the hormone pills so that he may one day have the surgery to do the sex change, but not quite letting people know. A few did, but not many. Well eventually we had gotten to the point where he trusted me enough to tell me. He mainly did this because he was going to start going out dressed up. And he wanted to be the one to tell me. That's understandable, cause if it got back to me, that would be weird, right? At this time he's a co-worker. But I was completely cool with it. I got along with him well enough. He's a big video game fan. He loves Oblivion, Mass Effect, WoW, and stuff like that. A lot of games I enjoyed as well, so we would talk about that on third shift, since there isn't shit to do but talk. He also loves to troll people. I'll get into this later.
Eventually second shift supervisor goes to first shift because the first shift supervisor retired. So he applies for the second shift supervisor position. At this time, I was already in line to move to second shift. We were just waiting for an employee to come back for maternity leave and to get 2 new hires in cause we were so understaffed. He ends up getting the job. So I was pretty cool with it. My supervisor is going to be this video game nerd who I get along with very well and I respect a lot because he is very good at his job. Ever since he told me he was a transgendered nothing has changed between us. Well I started working second shift last week. So that all happened within the time frame of a year.
Last Saturday we were working together and he found out late that night that someone said something about him being a transgendered that upset him. He was out of the room talking with another guy who overheard it and they were gone for about an hour. I could tell he was upset when he came back in so I asked him what's up. He told me to check out Facebook and I did. So, it really upset him. I recommended that he go to HR. I get to work on Wednesday and I see him getting in at the same time as me. But I don't see him afterwards for an hour. He comes back and I knew he went to HR. He said they went over a few things, but he didn't seem happy with the way it ended. I could tell he was upset. He ends up going home early and I didn't know why, but he did eat some really spicy Indian food earlier in the night, so I thought maybe his stomach was acting up. Well third shift supervisor pulls me aside and tells me he's in the hospital. I couldn't believe it. Third shift supervisor said he was ok, and that he admitted himself, but didn't say what was wrong.
As I'm leaving work, I text him telling him if I can do anything just let me know. When I get home (I don't text and drive) I see that he texted me asking me what I know. I told him that all I was told is that he was in the hospital, but I came out and asked him if he was contemplating suicide. Cause I knew he admitting himself, so I didn't think he actually attempted it. He says yes. We text back a couple of times and I let him know that I think he's a cool guy and I can't lose him as a friend and stuff. Being supportive, but I actually mean it. I mean, I know what he's going through and I know he needs people he can feel close to. I knew this before he did this. I figured that he is someone I could easily be friends with outside of work.
Well I find out that he's out today and he's OK from another second shift employee. He texts me apologizing and letting me know this. I tell him that I already knew and such. Later the other second shift employee lets me know that he actually tried to commit suicide. He took too many kolonopin (spelling?). She didn't know how he got to the hospital, but according to him police and handcuffs were involved. We talked tonight and he told me that, but I didn't ask for details. He then tells me that earlier today he saw some guy with an ICP tattoo and he went up to him asked the guy if he knew how magnets worked (See there's the trolling he loves to do). That type of shit makes me laugh, so we have a laugh about it. He called into work to see how things were going and checking in. Making sure nothing is going to hell and shit. I ask him if he is working tomorrow night and he is.
Now because I found out that he did try to commit suicide and I wasn't expecting him to be out this soon, I'm nervous. I don't know why, but it's been bothering me ever since I found out. How do I deal with this without him thinking anything is weird? Should I completely avoid the topic and just let it be the elephant in the room? Or should I ask him questions so that he thinks I really care? Either one is a certain possibility, right? I don't want things to be awkward between us because I like him and we work together a lot. It's going to be this way for a while (I hope) so I don't want it to always be awkward.
So any general advice you can give me on dealing with a friend who is suicidal would be helpful.
Also, any general advice you can give me on dealing with a friend who is transgendered and is going through discrimination at the workplace because of it, would also be helpful.
This is an obvious alt account, I know. I did not want to put this on my main for fear that people may find out who it is. He still isn't 100% fully out and I don't want it getting back to him. To my real life friends on this forum that may figure out who I am, please talk to me before you say anything to anyone.
Oh, yeah. Completely forgot to work this in there, but he also has two kids, and a wife he wants to divorce (his second divorce).
No tl;dr. Sorry. I really want you to read it all.
About a year ago I got a job in a new department of my current employer. This department is within the same division. So I had already kind of known everyone in my new job. Wasn't a real big move. But I was going from first shift to third shift, so I didn't really know the people that worked that shift. I knew of them, but never met them. Well it turns out that one of them is a transgender who had just recently started taking the hormone pills so that he may one day have the surgery to do the sex change, but not quite letting people know. A few did, but not many. Well eventually we had gotten to the point where he trusted me enough to tell me. He mainly did this because he was going to start going out dressed up. And he wanted to be the one to tell me. That's understandable, cause if it got back to me, that would be weird, right? At this time he's a co-worker. But I was completely cool with it. I got along with him well enough. He's a big video game fan. He loves Oblivion, Mass Effect, WoW, and stuff like that. A lot of games I enjoyed as well, so we would talk about that on third shift, since there isn't shit to do but talk. He also loves to troll people. I'll get into this later.
Eventually second shift supervisor goes to first shift because the first shift supervisor retired. So he applies for the second shift supervisor position. At this time, I was already in line to move to second shift. We were just waiting for an employee to come back for maternity leave and to get 2 new hires in cause we were so understaffed. He ends up getting the job. So I was pretty cool with it. My supervisor is going to be this video game nerd who I get along with very well and I respect a lot because he is very good at his job. Ever since he told me he was a transgendered nothing has changed between us. Well I started working second shift last week. So that all happened within the time frame of a year.
Last Saturday we were working together and he found out late that night that someone said something about him being a transgendered that upset him. He was out of the room talking with another guy who overheard it and they were gone for about an hour. I could tell he was upset when he came back in so I asked him what's up. He told me to check out Facebook and I did. So, it really upset him. I recommended that he go to HR. I get to work on Wednesday and I see him getting in at the same time as me. But I don't see him afterwards for an hour. He comes back and I knew he went to HR. He said they went over a few things, but he didn't seem happy with the way it ended. I could tell he was upset. He ends up going home early and I didn't know why, but he did eat some really spicy Indian food earlier in the night, so I thought maybe his stomach was acting up. Well third shift supervisor pulls me aside and tells me he's in the hospital. I couldn't believe it. Third shift supervisor said he was ok, and that he admitted himself, but didn't say what was wrong.
As I'm leaving work, I text him telling him if I can do anything just let me know. When I get home (I don't text and drive) I see that he texted me asking me what I know. I told him that all I was told is that he was in the hospital, but I came out and asked him if he was contemplating suicide. Cause I knew he admitting himself, so I didn't think he actually attempted it. He says yes. We text back a couple of times and I let him know that I think he's a cool guy and I can't lose him as a friend and stuff. Being supportive, but I actually mean it. I mean, I know what he's going through and I know he needs people he can feel close to. I knew this before he did this. I figured that he is someone I could easily be friends with outside of work.
Well I find out that he's out today and he's OK from another second shift employee. He texts me apologizing and letting me know this. I tell him that I already knew and such. Later the other second shift employee lets me know that he actually tried to commit suicide. He took too many kolonopin (spelling?). She didn't know how he got to the hospital, but according to him police and handcuffs were involved. We talked tonight and he told me that, but I didn't ask for details. He then tells me that earlier today he saw some guy with an ICP tattoo and he went up to him asked the guy if he knew how magnets worked (See there's the trolling he loves to do). That type of shit makes me laugh, so we have a laugh about it. He called into work to see how things were going and checking in. Making sure nothing is going to hell and shit. I ask him if he is working tomorrow night and he is.
Now because I found out that he did try to commit suicide and I wasn't expecting him to be out this soon, I'm nervous. I don't know why, but it's been bothering me ever since I found out. How do I deal with this without him thinking anything is weird? Should I completely avoid the topic and just let it be the elephant in the room? Or should I ask him questions so that he thinks I really care? Either one is a certain possibility, right? I don't want things to be awkward between us because I like him and we work together a lot. It's going to be this way for a while (I hope) so I don't want it to always be awkward.
So any general advice you can give me on dealing with a friend who is suicidal would be helpful.
Also, any general advice you can give me on dealing with a friend who is transgendered and is going through discrimination at the workplace because of it, would also be helpful.
This is an obvious alt account, I know. I did not want to put this on my main for fear that people may find out who it is. He still isn't 100% fully out and I don't want it getting back to him. To my real life friends on this forum that may figure out who I am, please talk to me before you say anything to anyone.
Oh, yeah. Completely forgot to work this in there, but he also has two kids, and a wife he wants to divorce (his second divorce).
No tl;dr. Sorry. I really want you to read it all.
Paper Luigi on
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This situation (the suicide attempt, the wife, the kids, transitioning during all of it) sounds like a giant mess. How good of a friend is he? I mean, you have to ask yourself how involved in this you want to be. Are you prepared for this much drama in your life? I'd just tell him, "Hey, if you need someone to talk to, let me know." and leave it at that. He'll approach you if he wants to talk and you've done your part.
Beyond that, do keep in mind that hormonal therapy can have very drastic side effects, and may be a contributing factor of your friend's hospital stay. With that in mind, my original post still stands to an extent, but maybe you can ask a bit more about the situation. Id the therapist offering support beyond just sending this person off to a psychiatrist for meds? If so, is your friend trying to find others in the transgender community? And if not, any reason why? I know these questions can come off as harassing, but considering the circumstances you have mentioned, these may be important questions to ask...
EDIT: And of course, through two long-winded posts, I managed to avoid answering the questions you were actually asking. (Geez, I guess I am worse at this than I thought...) Based on what you have posted, it sounds as though the two of you are good friends, at least enough to where perhaps talking to each other about the situation might be a good idea. You seem to genuinely care, and I suspect that may be very important for your friend to know. As far as workplace discrimination, well, that is a bit tougher. Many states do not have protective rights for transgendered people. It is a very unfortunate reality, but if you are not in a state that offers discrimination protection for trans people, it may be best for your friend to "lay low", so to speak at work. Although it sounds like that was the intention all along.
...Oh, duh, "wife and two kids"... That answers THAT question. :P
"My friend attempted suicide and I am uncertain how to act now."
The transgendered stuff, the details of the attempt, the drama at work, basically all that personal stuff you heard from other people? Ignore it.
I am not suggesting that all of that is not important, just that they no doubt are hearing plenty about it from everyone. I would focus on trying to provide some plain old normal friend time. If they direct the conversation towards those topics then go ahead and follow but I wouldn't initiate such talk.
I am assuming they are getting some kind of professional help for the suicide attempt which you didn't touch on. Even if there aren't you can't do much more then given them some simple encouragement towards doing that.
I've also noticed him on support forums at work when I walk by and glance at his computer.
To my knowledge, he's taking all necessary steps to have the surgery to physically change himself into a female. Not anything I pry into, but I know he has mentioned certain things before.
Based on your suggestions, you kind of have answered my question. You seem to think it's best for me to talk to him about things and see what/how he's doing instead of ignoring it. That's what I was thinking would be best, but it is a situation I'm just so unfamiliar with. Someone attempting suicide is something I never thought I'd deal with.
Yeah, talk to him, but approach it carefully. Just ask him how he's doing, don't force him into a conversation about it. More "Hey, how are you holding up." and less "Hey, you tried to kill yourself, how're you doing?".
I'll keep this updated if anything new comes about, because it isn't a dead issue yet, but for now I think I can handle it on my own.