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Sangheili91
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I'm sure someone else will go into more detail, but basically it boils down to a): tell her (politely) to stop acting like a self-centered child, and b): if she doesn't, find someone else.
If the latter is true, sit down and have a talk with her and explain (in the nicest terms possible) that this is not any way to live and will not work in the longterm. If that doesn't get through to her, you should seriously think about breaking it off with her. That's a ridiculous way to act. Especially after two years and you sound pretty fed up with it. How old is she?
EDIT: Get out of my head, @Salvation122
If you've tried having a calm sit-down about it and she refuses to participate every time, how much more can you do? You're heading into ultimatum territory with her, and honestly I think you know how that's going to go. This is a big, big deal, and if not an indicator of how she is in other areas of your life currently, it definitely does not bode well for your future.
Can you really spend the rest of your life being called mean because you want to see an old friend, and then when you finally get to, not left alone so that you can catch up? I think the answer is probably no.
She's 19, I'm 20. Sometimes her and I will go to a group thing, or sometimes she would hang out with Jim and I. Whenever that would happen, though, she usually wouldn't have a good time, because she just wishes she could be with just me. Any time where we're not alone is wasted time, it seems.
Being shut off from the world because your girlfriend won't let you have friends is ridiculous, and its a problem 100% of the time, even if you don't notice.
Yeah, break up with her. You're both young and will bounce back from it quickly. I'm sure she's a lovely girl, but that is one glaring personality flaw that you shouldn't have to deal with. She'll grow out of it at some point probably, but do you really want to wait around and waste those years to find out when if ever?
EDIT: You'll might be doing her a favor anyway. Getting broken up with a few times might trigger something in her head that says "Hey, if I keep acting this way, I'm probably going to be alone forever!".
Break up with her, move on, enjoy life.
2) This sort of ties in with the previous: You can't expect everyone in your life to get along with each other. To do so is unrealistic. It's unfortunate when a best friend doesn't get along with the girlfriend, but that's life. Either you can talk to them both and make them come to terms, or you can oblige either "bro" or "ho" (and it's kind of obvious who wins there).
The only reason I don't jump to the "break up with her" line is because, as you said, you've been together two years. Obviously, you two are happy about SOMETHING in the relationship, it's just that it needs a little work. As with most relationship issues, you need to talk with her. Be firm. It sounds like she'll complain about how you're being mean or you don't care about what she wants, but again, she can't pressure you into spending time only with her.
But I wouldn't break up just yet. Stop planning it at ridiculous hours too, why are you tiptoeing around. Show her you're a man who knows what he wants and can take a stand just as well as she seems to do herself. If she can't handle it she can leave on her own accord. Do this or be sure to eventually lose your friends, and not just because she doesn't like them. But because they won't like you anymore.
(Yeah, I've had a friend like you at one point.)
Don't just break up with her. Try and fix the problem. If she refuses to admit there's an issue, or is unwilling to address it, that might be the time to consider whether or not you're willing to continue on like this.
Obviously this is a horribly toxic situation for your relationship to be in. However, you say that you're massively in love with her, so I would reject the "Just throw the goose under the bus" advice in favour of maybe looking for some alternatives and some information. When I say "obviously" you sound like a fairly sensible and mature person, and I'm p sure you've worked this out for yourself.
Anyway, your two have a pretty serious problem and it's gonna take some work and some pain to sort it out. Is she capable of having a serious talk about this situation with you? You say "she acts like you're attacking her" and shuts down. That's basically a childish response, and it's not acceptable in an adult relationship. But you need to make sure that you're not actually attacking her - you're clearly very upset about this and it's incredibly easy to sound condemnatory. Especially when it's a subject that she's incredibly insecure about. Assuming she's not dim, I'll bet that she's thought about this tendency herself, and it wouldn't surprise me to learn that she's got a whole insecurity/depression/self-loathing cycle going on in there.
Obviously you have to talk about this problem. But next time, instead of you basically asking her "What the fuck?" ask her to talk about what she thinks and feels. Get her in the nicest, safest, most comfortable environment possible (and if that means taking her somewhere where it really is just the two of you, then do that if possible), and ask her to talk to you. And you shut your god damb noisehole while she does it, OK? If it takes hours or even a couple of days, you let her finish, and you dont say anything judgemental or basically do anything except elicit more from her. This isn't about her justifying herself to you; it's about her explaining herself to you.
Because the only way you & she going to get this problem resolved is if she opens up to you and starts exposing those tender, raw insecurities to the air where they can start to heal. DO NOT try to make her do this under any kind of ultimatum.
If you can get her to open up about this and confront her issues, then it may be possible for you to start making some progress, and work out a modus vivendi. And if it's feasible for you, maybe look into her seeing a therapist.
Of course, all that's going to be a lot of work, and extremely emotionally involving for you. So maybe take a step back and do some really honest self-examination. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with her? Are you sure that you're not in love with basically the first girl to be seriously in your life? Are you really ready to commit to what will be a process of many months or even years while she patches up her psyche? Can you say what makes her so worthwhile compared to other girls? Can you be sure that's she isn't just emotionally manipulating your "white knight" tendencies? I know these are real son-of-a-bitch questions to ask a young guy in love, but frankly mate, you need the answers to them.
I don't really think that's something you can fix in your relationship because it's as much an issue with you and your girlfriend's maturity as it is with the relationship. I'm going to echo what others have said and recommend you break up with her. You're limiting yourselves and are going to have trouble growing as individuals if you're spending all your time with each other. Break up with her, you will both probably be better for it in the long run.
It's gonna be painful either way, that's just how life works. Good luck! (and come back here for more advice if you need it!)
It's just not worth it, man. You need to break it off, because you've both got a lot of growing to do before you get really serious with someone.
I concur. If you lose touch with your friends because of her actions you may end up resenting her for it later. You're at an age when (in my opinion) it's probably the easiest to be social and meet a lot of new people.
To be fair when my husband and I started dating he was similar in some ways because my best friends were all people that went to the bar every night (which is the opposite of who he is). However, as our relationship grew I think we both started to realize the importance of having our own friends. I think it's healthy in a relationship when you can encourage your significant other to branch out but know that you have a strong foundation in each other. Her actions may be because she is young/insecure, but the longer you stay in a hurtful relationship the harder it will be in the long run if/when it eventually ends.
You should never feel guilty for wanting to hang out with your friends. But if she is usually alone when you and your friends hang out, she may also be upset over that. Invite her out with you guys from time to time. Let your friends become her friends. You say she doesn't really have friends of her own, well maybe that is something that also bothers her.
And like others have pointed out, you're both young. You've still got a lot of growing up to do. Especially her it sounds like. I'm not going to say break up with her, because that's the easy way out. But it eventually may be the only way out if she doesn't respond to other attempts from you.
This is not something that you're required to put up with in a healthy relationship, or that you're required to help her change to get there. It sounds like she has a lot of growing up to do, that she's almost still stuck in the high-school co-dependent relationship phase.
My suggestion would be to have one more attempt at a serious discussion with her, in which you make it clear that this really is a dealbreaker issue for you--that you'd want and deserve to have healthy adult relationships with both her and your friends. If she shuts you down, or even pays lip service to how hard it is to be in her position but will try to change (and then doesn't) it's definitely time to move on.
I assume, you or her or both work. If you don't, you will sometime in the next 40 years (unless you're both rich and retired and in that case, can I have some $$
Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who allows you to be you or with someone, like your girlfriend, who needs you to focus your life solely around her (rather petty) needs?
Secret Satan
I'd say follow Usagi's advice. I've had to do what she suggests while being in a similar situation twice: First time she dumped me a week later, and the second time we solved the problem (and still remain together).
Edit - I cannot tag for shit
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1) Controlling your access to anyone else
2) Interfering even with those times that you manage to arrange
3) Acting like a conversation is an attack
And of course she hasn't gotten over what Jim said to her. She finally pushed the two of you enough to get him visibly pissed off, and now she's got a perfect excuse to try to drive him out of your life for good.
This may be the only thing you dislike about this relationship, but unless you want it to be the only relationship in your life for however long you live it, I don't know if she's a good fit.
She's 19. Let's not start painting her as "abusive" just yet. She just sounds like an overly needy and immature teenager to me.
Those two things aren't mutually exclusive.
OP - I'd probably talk to her about it...make it known how you feel and then from there make a decision to stay (if she decides to listen) or leave...because I don't think it's particularly healthy to forsake your other relationships for one person.
Now, it sounds like you're willing to work on it, and that's great, and the fact that every other aspect of your relationship works is a very good thing. But you do need to get her to work on this. And as has been said earlier in the thread, you're almost in ultimatum territory.
From my experience, things like this don't ever totally resolve themselves. The thing is, as long as you're with her and caving into these demands of hers, she's not going to have much of an impetus to change for the better. It takes a lot to make someone change, in the case of my ex, it wasn't until we finally ended up splitting up that she realised how bad her behaviour was and did something about it. But that's obviously not the solution you're looking for, because you want her to improve herself for you, not for the next guy down the line.
You need to be realistic about this, and take a good critical look at your situation and how you see your future together. In ten years time do you want to be in a situation where you've stayed with her, and end up with nothing in your life outside of your relationship? These are the kind of things you need to consider, because if things don't change, and you stay together, that's likely how it will end up. Or, looking at the shorter term picture, say you break up in a year's time, and you're left without anyone, having to rebuild your life. That shit isn't easy.
I'm not saying split up with her over this, because there is the possibility that you can work on things, and that they will get better. But you need to consider these things, and be prepared for the worst. The other thing worth bearing in mind is your age. I don't want to sound condescending, but you're both at a stage in your life where you're still likely to be figuring yourselves out, and neither of you will have been in enough adult relationships to really know what is and isn't appropriate. And unfortunately, she may not work those things out whilst she's with you.
But there are things you can do. I think the main problem here is that she seems to have nothing in her life outside of you. That's not a healthy situation to be in. When I was in the situation with my ex, I got to the point you seem to be at now, and the most effective thing I did to alleviate that situation was to encourage her to develop interests outside of me. She joined a few societies and groups, built up friends and interests outside of me. In the end she was still quite manipulative and shitty with me whenever I did things like see my friends, but it was a LOT better than before.
It helped as well that she had specific nights that she was doing these activities, which allowed me to schedule my own stuff in that time. So you could apply this to your situation. For example, if she found something that was going on every Tuesday that she went to, that would mean you have Tuesdays to yourself to be with friends, have some alone time, etc. Which would be a good first step towards having a bit of independence from one another.
You need to sit and talk to her about this. Be as calm as you can over it, but let her know how you're feeling at the same time. See if she'll commit to working on things, and see if there's anything you can do to support her in developing outside interests, etc.
Good luck.
I know that, but I don't think that making a monster out of her is a good idea at this point. There's no point in demonizing her and the OP doesn't exactly seem to be under her thumb right now, as he goes against her wishes on what appears to be a fairly constant basis. I'm not defending her, but I'm also not ready to burn her at the stake yet, but, if I were him, I would've exited stage left the first time she started complaining about me spending time with my friends and not with her.
He seems pretty much on top of things and I think if another talk with her doesn't work, that he's capable of exiting this relationship without much of an issue. He's very aware that what she's doing sucks.
I mean, it's a teenage relationship, I don't think at this point it's worth getting into some huge discussion of "mental abuse". It seems pretty simple to me. If she doesn't change her attitude, leave. Cut and dry.
Best of luck with whatever happens, OP. For you and her.
You said that this only becomes a problem when your friends are in town and they want to hang out with you. But really this is a problem all the time, you just don't have to deal with it because you your friends aren't in town.
It's a huge problem in the relationship, and could be a huge deal breaker. So please, please, please for both of you have a conversation. If she shuts down, breaks down, freaks out on you, don't stop the discussion, don't back down and do not feel bad. This is for the both of you. Neither of you can be in a relationship where she's needy to the point that she's holding it against you when you're with your friends once in a blue moon.
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You also need to consider a break. You cant be there every second of every day for her for the rest of your life and turning your back on your friends would be a terrible idea. She needs a way to be comfortable when you're not around be it a hobby or some girl friends or watching tv or what have you.
I was in the hospital within two months.
That way lies ruin, friend. Set boundaries, adhere to them, or let her go.
Its like when I get a bad report card when I was a kid, I hang it on the fridge for my dad to see, then leave the house and come back 9 pm, dad has eaten by then, and is enjoying some TV, so he just say some harsh words about being lazy, then a couple about working hard, then he calls it a night.
Also, you could help her build a small community, like a book club or something, I mean, you said school, I assume you live close to campus? I'm sure there is something of a group activity there.
You have to ask yourself a simple question, does she seem to be remotely caring about your happiness? Cause it certainly seems like she doesn't. 19 is young, but its not THAT young. We aren't talking about a 15 year old .This girl should easily be able to feel actual, real emotion towards you that takes joy in your happiness, rather then only caring about how happy you can make her.
That sort of selfishness is pretty ridiculous and really paints a terrible picture of her. I have a hard time believing she actually cares about you in anything more then a "what can he do for me?" way. Because if she loved you, she would be able to let you be happy without ruining it for you every time.