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Future Marriage Complications [Infertility]

Don_JulioDon_Julio Registered User regular
edited August 2011 in Help / Advice Forum
I've been dating this girl I've known for four years now and was even starting to think about marrying her. She told me years ago about a problem. When she was a lot younger she came down with an Ovarian Cyst and had to have one of her Ovaries removed. After having it removed shes had erratic periods, such as having one once or twice a year. I'm not gonna lie, this is sorta a deal breaker for me because I do want to have children eventually that are mine. Would this possibly mean that she'd be infertile and uncapable of having children? I know newer techniques such as in vitro fertilization do exist, but it does have me worried. As I get older I do want kids of my own, and but at the same time it also feels shallow to just dump her over something like this. I've asked her about this topic before, but she never answers it clearly. She always says a "Lets worry about our careers right now" or a "Talk about it at a later time". Overall, would she be infertile? Her latest menstrual cycle occurred last November and its been the longest wait yet and I'm starting to worry that she might indeed be infertile.

Don_Julio on

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    ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    Before we start worrying about who can be impregnated by what aliens or whatever, are you sure she wants kids? She might not be infertile. She might not even know one way or the other because she doesn't worry about it because she doesn't want kids. If you really want kids of your own there are all kinds of things you two when it comes time that can involve your own sperm if you must.

    I'm just saying, she might not be dodging because she's worried about it, she might be dodging because you're asking about fertility when she doesn't want kids.

    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
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    EshEsh Tending bar. FFXIV. Motorcycles. Portland, ORRegistered User regular
    edited August 2011
    It's the 21st century, you have all sorts of options depending on her health. Adoption, surrogate mothers, etc...

    Honestly, we can't tell you anything besides anecdotes. We can't know her specific medical issues. This is something you need to talk over with her instead of coming here, asking questions of uninformed people, and then getting yourself into a tizzy.

    EDIT: And everything that Ceres just said.

    Esh on
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    Don_JulioDon_Julio Registered User regular
    She does indeed want to start a family down the road. She wants to adopt the first kid and then go from there. However, she is right about the career thing because she just started her career as a Doctor and I've already started mine as an Officer in the Military. We both agreed no kids until my Commission is over because we don't want to miss the opportunity to raise our children together.

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    ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    Yeah, if she wants to have kids with you there are all sorts of things you can do to get your sperm involved even if she's infertile, assuming she's amenable to that sort of procedure. This sounds like it's a ways down the road, though, and if she has her heart set on adopting first anyway, you're looking at even a few years after that.

    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
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    EsseeEssee The pinkest of hair. Victoria, BCRegistered User regular
    edited August 2011
    She's only had one ovary removed, right? Unless her doctor told her otherwise, I really don't think that means she's infertile. I mean, yes, I'm sure it makes it a little bit tougher because there are fewer eggs to work with, but to the best of my knowledge, it should still be plenty possible for you to have kids since she's still got the eggs from one ovary (and, of course, she's still having periods, even though they're infrequent) and her uterus is presumably fine since she didn't say anything about it.

    A very quick googling regarding the subject ("ovary removal fertility") seems to reveal that I'm right that the removal of just one ovary shouldn't be a problem when it comes to fertility: http://www.riversideonline.com/health_reference/Womens-Health/AN01348.cfm

    Essee on
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    Dr. FrenchensteinDr. Frenchenstein Registered User regular
    There are LOTS of techniques to turn your genetic material into a baby. Surrogates, fertility drugs, In Vitro, probably lots of others i don't even know about.

    If it's really a deal breaker, talk to her about going to the doctor, and making sure you are both fertile. It might be a tough sell if she knows you are probably going to cut her loose if she's barren though. Some couples seem perfectly viable, and can't make a baby, so you never know.

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    EggyToastEggyToast Jersey CityRegistered User regular
    Honestly, this is a conversation between you, her, and a doctor. You both want to have kids in the future, and it's up to "nature" and a doctor to tell you whether that's a possibility.

    If you love her and the relationship is good, there's no sense in throwing it away until you have a certainty that children between you two are impossible.

    || Flickr — || PSN: EggyToast
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    LikeaBoshLikeaBosh Seattle, WARegistered User regular
    Since you said you were "even starting to think about marrying her" I have to wonder if you're doing it for the right reasons. It kind of sounds like since you've been with her a while, you feel it's the logical next step, but it doesn't sound like you really love her. Especially if the possibility of having kids with her is more important to you than she is. If you really love her, kids shouldn't even be so important, especially that they have to be genetically your kids. There are already too many kids in the world as it is. If you want some so badly, adoption is still a perfectly reasonable option, especially to be with a woman that you love.

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    Jimmy KingJimmy King Registered User regular
    While not for the same specific reason, I'm dealing with a lot of this right now. You definitely need to talk to her first. After that, the two of you should start off by talking to doctors. There are a TON of things they can do, depending on the exact problems. These range from a couple hundred dollars per attempt to 10s of thousands, with a lot of variation in insurance coverage.

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    Modern ManModern Man Registered User regular
    edited August 2011
    This is one of those cases where people on the internet can't really help you. You need to talk to her and lay out what you are looking for long-term. If you see a long-term relationship/marriage with this woman, then you guys need to figure out, sooner rather than later, what you want to do with regard to kids.

    If she has no interest in having kids, or is physically unable to, or wants to adopt, and these options aren't what you had in mind, it's best that you guys know now and can deal with it accordingly.

    Modern Man on
    Aetian Jupiter - 41 Gunslinger - The Old Republic
    Rigorous Scholarship

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    As7As7 Registered User regular
    Here's the thing. If it turns out she is infertile and you dump her, yes, that will be kind of a dick move. You're basically saying you care more about some potential person who doesn't exist yet more than her.

    Just wanted to add that because it sounds like you want it both ways if this is indeed the situation and I don't see that as possible.

    But really you and her need to consult a doctor together.

    XBOX Live: Arsenic7
    Secret Satan
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    Modern ManModern Man Registered User regular
    I think that's unfair. Children are, for most people, a very important part of marriage. If two parties have completely different expecations when it comes to children, it is going to make the marriage very difficult.

    Aetian Jupiter - 41 Gunslinger - The Old Republic
    Rigorous Scholarship

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    ToxTox I kill threads he/himRegistered User regular
    As7 wrote:
    Here's the thing. If it turns out she is infertile and you dump her, yes, that will be kind of a dick move. You're basically saying you care more about some potential person who doesn't exist yet more than her.

    Just wanted to add that because it sounds like you want it both ways if this is indeed the situation and I don't see that as possible.

    But really you and her need to consult a doctor together.

    And if he stays with her, despite wanting something she doesn't? And years from now, comes to resent her because he can't have something that he's always wanted (kids)? That's...better?

    Twitter! | Dilige, et quod vis fac
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    As7As7 Registered User regular
    edited August 2011
    It's not better. That's my point. He's put himself into a situation where there may not be a good choice. He may have to decide that he cares more about the ideal of a biological family and disapoint someone he cares about or he can explore his ideals a little and come to the realization that love isn't about DNA. One case requires a change he may not be able to make. The other requires that he accept responsibility for hurting his friend and lover and move on. And those are the two BEST choices, IMO, if she is indeed infertile. His views are legitimate in one sense but there's no way he can both be true to them and to his SO.

    As7 on
    XBOX Live: Arsenic7
    Secret Satan
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    EsseeEssee The pinkest of hair. Victoria, BCRegistered User regular
    I'm just curious, was the information I found (sourced from the Mayo Clinic, apparently) wrong or something? Because it seems to me that, absent any other medical problems or a doctor's word, there's no indication that she's actually infertile to begin with, and that's what the OP wanted to know about. In which case, although the OP's attitude toward having kids may or may not be unhealthy, it's really a moot point for this relationship as-is. Naturally, it's still good to tell him about how many options exist out there, should something else happen and the OP's girlfriend becomes infertile, or should he end up meeting someone down the road who turns out to be that way. But if they both want kids, as they seem to, I'm not really sure why there's a problem since it seems like the OP (and maybe his girlfriend) just didn't know whether or not this was a concern. From what I found, it seems like it's not!

    Again, if the info I found is inaccurate, please feel free to yell at me and tell me that I'm spreading misinformation! I wouldn't want to be doing that.

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    EshEsh Tending bar. FFXIV. Motorcycles. Portland, ORRegistered User regular
    edited August 2011
    Essee wrote:
    I'm just curious, was the information I found (sourced from the Mayo Clinic, apparently) wrong or something? Because it seems to me that, absent any other medical problems or a doctor's word, there's no indication that she's actually infertile to begin with, and that's what the OP wanted to know about. In which case, although the OP's attitude toward having kids may or may not be unhealthy, it's really a moot point for this relationship as-is. Naturally, it's still good to tell him about how many options exist out there, should something else happen and the OP's girlfriend becomes infertile, or should he end up meeting someone down the road who turns out to be that way. But if they both want kids, as they seem to, I'm not really sure why there's a problem since it seems like the OP (and maybe his girlfriend) just didn't know whether or not this was a concern. From what I found, it seems like it's not!

    Again, if the info I found is inaccurate, please feel free to yell at me and tell me that I'm spreading misinformation! I wouldn't want to be doing that.

    What I'm getting at anyway is that we don't know enough about her medical situation. So you can source as much as you want, but the only way he's going to know for sure is to ask her. We are not her doctor. When it comes to areas of medical advice, this forum is a poor, poor, poor substitute for actually going to the source and professionals. Hell, even if there were doctors here dispensing advice it would be a shitty substitute to someone who has actually or who can actually examine her.

    Esh on
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    The_Glad_HatterThe_Glad_Hatter One Sly Fox Underneath a Groovy HatRegistered User regular
    EggyToast wrote:
    Honestly, this is a conversation between you, her, and a doctor.

    This.

    Even if she tries to stall or tiptoe around it, in a relationship there are just times when you have to say "hold on a second, i'd really like to discuss this with you for a bit".

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    KistraKistra Registered User regular
    There is a decent chance that neither she nor any other doctor could tell you whether or not she is infertile without a bunch of tests and you guys actually trying to get pregnant. Most insurance will only cover the tests if you have been trying for between 6 months and a year without any luck. So she may be giving you the best answer that is available if you guys aren't willing to start trying to conceive right now and pay for a bunch of tests out of pocket.

    Animal Crossing: City Folk Lissa in Filmore 3179-9580-0076
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    NylonathetepNylonathetep Registered User regular
    I'm no doctor here, but as long as there's still a menstruation cycle, she's still producing eggs... as long as she got eggs you can still naturally have children. It'll just take longer since you don't know when she'll have a menstruation cycle.

    The other issue is whether she WANTS to have children... As many posters above points out, due to scientific breakthroughs it's not impossible for you two to have children IF SHE WANTS TO.

    I think it's important for you two to have another honest conversation before you two tie the knot. Keep in mind that it's not her fault that she have to cut off one of her Overie. There's only a few possible outcome here:

    1) she might want children eventually and she probably can, it's just false drama

    2) she does want children but she can't... pray to the science god that you can eventually make cyborg children.

    3) She can have children, or she can't... but either way she doesn't want to... 3a) you dump her, or 3b) you don't dump her and hope she eventually change her mind. 3c) you don't dump her and somehow have to be at peace that you'll have no children... ever.

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    SilverEternitySilverEternity Registered User regular
    Anecdotal, but I have a relative who had an ovary and tube removed and has had two children since then. Obviously this is just one case that could be different than your girlfriend's but basically I don't think having one ovary removed rules out conception.

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    Dunadan019Dunadan019 Registered User regular
    edited August 2011
    oops wrong thread

    Dunadan019 on
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