As was foretold, we've added advertisements to the forums! If you have questions, or if you encounter any bugs, please visit this thread: https://forums.penny-arcade.com/discussion/240191/forum-advertisement-faq-and-reports-thread/

Meeting a girl I've been friends with on the internet.

This DudeThis Dude Registered User regular
edited August 2011 in Help / Advice Forum
Basically I've known her for two years on the internet. But that's it. Never talked on the phone and never met in person. We interact regularly on FB/Tumblr.

We're going to take a class together this fall, which starts in precisely one week. And I've really been freaking out the past few weeks. I'm not sure why. I picture us meeting for the first time and I get incredibly nervous. Is there a way to avoid the awkwardness? Has anyone been in a similar situation?

I know this is silly but advice would be appreciated.

This Dude on
«1

Posts

  • bsjezzbsjezz Registered User regular
    edited August 2011
    would it help to see if she wants to meet for a coffee beforehand so that if it's gonna be awkward nervousness, at least it'll be awkward somewhere away from classmates etc?

    is there the pretext / assumption of a relationship here? maybe it'll help to go out this weekend and try your odds at finding someone else to be infatuated with for a little bit, to take the pressure off this single interaction. you've obviously built it up into something massive, when it should be an exciting and fun moment without too much at stake

    edit: sorry about the half-post

    bsjezz on
    sC4Q4nq.jpg
  • StericaSterica Yes Registered User, Moderator mod
    Yeah, if you're expecting or desiring a relationship to form out of this, I would curb your enthusiasm. There is no point in setting yourself up for disappointment, and that could sour the friendship via feelings of bitterness that arise when she isn't interesting. Not to say that it can't happen, but let that be a happy surprise that naturally happens as opposed to a looming goal or something.

    Unless you're not expecting that, in which case you'll have to be more specific about your anxieties.

    YL9WnCY.png
  • This DudeThis Dude Registered User regular
    Yeah we're planning on meeting twenty or so minutes beforehand so we don't spend an hour and a half in awkward silence.

    I don't know about that second question. I thought I liked her for a long time, but then I realized I hadn't even met her and therefore didn't know her so I kind of shelved it.

    I can't really put a pin on why I'm so anxious. I'm pretty laid back overall. I think I'm just really scared of finding out what she's really like; we have a nice groove when we talk on the internet but I've realized through past encounters that an internet person =/= real life person. I met a girl two years ago, we chatted for a bit, and then parted ways (though exchanged information). We talked mainly online through AIM and developed a strong friendship. After a few months her and her boyfriend broke up and I asked her out. But our first date was terrible. She was nothing like how she had seemed online.

    I guess I'm afraid of something like that happening when we meet? Maybe our transition from internet friendship to real life friendship won't be so smooth?

  • SkeithSkeith Registered User regular
    Yeah, it sounds like you have a picture and checklist in your head about this person. Throw those out the window. You've been chatting on the internet for ages with her, so treat the conversation like that-- you've got stuff you can draw on for it, so that'd be the easiest place to start.

    aTBDrQE.jpg
  • mightyspacepopemightyspacepope Registered User regular
    This Dude wrote:
    Yeah we're planning on meeting twenty or so minutes beforehand so we don't spend an hour and a half in awkward silence.

    You said you're taking a class together? I assume you're talking about a college course? If so, you guys probably won't have the chance to really talk to each other during the class itself. I second bsjezz's idea. See if she wants to grab coffee or a meal beforehand.

  • rockmonkeyrockmonkey Little RockRegistered User regular
    edited August 2011
    Most of the time when people who are friends online meet in person and it doesn't go as smoothly it's because one or both of the people involved aren't as confident or open in person as they are online, which makes plenty of sense. People can be more outgoing and outspoken online more easily than face to face with a stranger.

    So your best bet is for YOU to be relaxed and chatty when you meet her. If you're the one who would have been "shy" for lack of a better term then this solves it. If SHE ends up be the shy one then you being super at ease and relaxed around her and being chatty will either help her to relax or it will carry the conversation eliminating most of/ all of the awkward moments or lolls where you both stop talking and just stare at each other nervously.

    Basically go into the meeting relaxed and prepared to be overly chatty and carry the conversation IF NEEDED. If you meeit her and in the first 3-5 minutes realize she isn't shy/closed up/nervous/whatever then by all means dial it back and act normal, no need to seem overbaring if she, too, is relaxed already.

    edit: confidence, confidence, confidence.

    rockmonkey on
    NEWrockzomb80.jpg
  • Skull ManSkull Man RIP KUSU Registered User regular
    dress well but don't overdress

  • JebusUDJebusUD Adventure! Candy IslandRegistered User regular
    I'd work on just chilling out dude. Being all tongue tied and "herp derp" isn't a very good strategy for impressing. Relax. No pressure, just keep it cool. Think Office Space.

    I write you a story
    But it loses its thread
  • CelestialBadgerCelestialBadger Registered User regular
    Meeting someone who you know online is weird even if you don't fancy them. It feels oddly like meeting a fictional person, or a celebrity.

  • As7As7 Registered User regular
    Here is the only thing you need to do to break that awkwardness. Give her a hug and say: "good to finally meet you."

    XBOX Live: Arsenic7
    Secret Satan
  • JebusUDJebusUD Adventure! Candy IslandRegistered User regular
    As7 wrote:
    Here is the only thing you need to do to break that awkwardness. Give her a hug and say: "good to finally meet you."

    You serious?

    That sounds kind of weirdo creepery. I'd keep it to a handshake.

    I write you a story
    But it loses its thread
  • EshEsh Tending bar. FFXIV. Motorcycles. Portland, ORRegistered User regular
    JebusUD wrote:
    As7 wrote:
    Here is the only thing you need to do to break that awkwardness. Give her a hug and say: "good to finally meet you."

    You serious?

    That sounds kind of weirdo creepery. I'd keep it to a handshake.

    He'll know on first contact if a hug is appropriate or not. It kinda just happens.

    But yeah, don't sweat it. Go in with zero expectations and you'll be fine. Be yourself.

  • DrezDrez Registered User regular
    This Dude: Just out of curiosity, did you both plan on taking this class together - like did you mutually discuss it "oh hey we go to the same school we should take Introduction to Pottery Ethics with Dr. Goldenshplurge" or was it more of a "hey so I'm taking this class..."/"oh, me too!" kind of thing?

    Because if you both actually planned this, I wouldn't be so nervous. I can understand why you would be, but hey, it's not like either of you are put off by the idea of meeting in real life as evidenced by the fact that you decided to take the class together.

    If not, I still wouldn't be nervous, just be chill.

    I also agree with all the advice suggesting that you not build this meeting (or this girl) up in your mind. Who someone is online and who someone is offline may run the gamut of "exactly the same" to "completely different" so she may not turn out to be who you envision her as in your own mind, and she may not feel about you what you want her to feel about you. Then again, she may be exactly who you think she is, and may feel the exact way about you that you want her to. Or somewhere in the middle of those two. Best thing to do, though, is to dispel any preconceived notions you may have of her or your potential relationship with her. I cannot stress that enough.

    Beyond that, just be yourself.

    Switch: SW-7690-2320-9238Steam/PSN/Xbox: Drezdar
  • This DudeThis Dude Registered User regular
    Thanks guys. I've read all your advice and I'll try to answer all your inquiries.

    mightyspacepope: Yeah, we're taking a college course together. But in addition to meeting for a bit beforehand, we also discovered that we share a break right after the class and we've already talked about hanging out then.

    rockmonkey: I've thought about this. It seems like she is much more shy in real life than she is online, so I'm definitely prepared to keep things flowing.

    celestialbadger: That's the probably the best way I've heard it described. I have a mental picture in my head of her (not literally, as I know what she looks like) and it's weird realizing that she's probably not going to match up with it.

    as7, jebusud, esh: I'm not sure if she's the hugging type girl. I was never really a hugger in high school; though it's not like I don't enjoy it, it just never really happened. This one girl always initiated it with me but I never started one myself. So I'm not even sure how to read signs. I'm thinking I should just play it safe and not do it. But honestly a handshake seems equally weird.

    drez: We discussed taking this course together a few months ago so it was definitely planned.

    Everyone: I really do understand how it's stupid that I'm building it up in my head. I definitely over think things way too much. How do I just stop doing it, though?

    I mean I'm doubting myself to a level that I have never done before. Usually I'm the guy who cracks jokes in a group, and I carried that persona online. However, I keep on thinking about how I have extra time online to think of wittier responses and that maybe I'll disappoint by not being so quick on my feet in person? I don't know. I know I'm being ridiculous but I can't stop my brain from thinking these things.

  • EshEsh Tending bar. FFXIV. Motorcycles. Portland, ORRegistered User regular
    edited August 2011
    This Dude wrote:
    as7, jebusud, esh: I'm not sure if she's the hugging type girl. I was never really a hugger in high school; though it's not like I don't enjoy it, it just never really happened. This one girl always initiated it with me but I never started one myself. So I'm not even sure how to read signs. I'm thinking I should just play it safe and not do it. But honestly a handshake seems equally weird.

    Let her initiate a hug if it's going to happen. You'll know, she'll come in and hug you. It's like in France, you let the woman initiate "les bisous" (the kiss greeting they do there).

    Oh, and definitely don't offer her a handshake. That's just weird.

    Esh on
  • taoist drunktaoist drunk Registered User regular
    edited August 2011
    I've met tons of people from the Internet (including the one I married four years ago) and the first 10-15 minutes are always, always weird, but I've had a great, fun time with over 90% of the people I've met.
    I agree with the advice about being prepared to carry the conversation. If you interact on Tumblr already, think about something you might make as a tumblr post (if you do a mix of serious/personal, more towards the personal end of things) and then just save it up so that you have a story to tell in that first part of the conversation before class starts. After that, you'll have shared experience in the form of the class together to talk about, but if you have something cool/interesting to talk about ahead of time that'll make you feel more confident and will hopefully help you stop overthinking things. Just treat it the same way you would treat going to a party where you don't know that many people.

    taoist drunk on
  • ToxTox I kill threads he/himRegistered User regular
    It's not stupid that you've built something up in your head. That's normal. But be mature now, and try to push that mental build-up aside. You don't want to end up reading more into this than will actually be there.

    Also, from everybody who was in the last thread (you all know what I'm talking about)...I just want to say I'm happy you met a girl that actually has any inclination in meeting in real life.

    That's...refreshing.

    Twitter! | Dilige, et quod vis fac
  • willhelmsonwillhelmson Registered User regular
    edited August 2011
    Randomly thought I'd chime in as my girlfriend of over 7 years now is from a series of online interactions! (yay, I'm a nerd!)

    I'm generally the kind of person that you (This Dude) describe yourself to be and in thinking about your situation -- really what you're looking for is not advice of any real sort, but a peptalk! The only thing that's really getting to you is your nerves.. you're overthinking this in numerous ways and the more you try to plan and prepare for it -- the more you freak yourself out!

    At the end of the day, take comfort in this -- despite how different you and her are in real life compared to your online personas -- (excluding any outright lies, naughty!) the person behind the interactions is the same person you've each been getting to know! So simply when you see her, smile, call her by her screen name and enjoy getting to know your friend a tiny bit better!

    willhelmson on
  • EshEsh Tending bar. FFXIV. Motorcycles. Portland, ORRegistered User regular
    So simply when you see her, smile, call her by her screen name and enjoy getting to know your friend a tiny bit better!

    I gotta vehemently disagree with that part. Do NOT call her by any screen name she may use. Call her by her real name.

  • ParielPariel Registered User regular
    edited August 2011
    Nothing says "solid personal cross-gender relationship" like a good handshake. But seriously, just let things go the way they do. Don't do things you think will make her uncomfortable and don't go in with high expectations. Forcing it will make you both unhappy.

    Definitely do not ever call her by her screen name in real life. That's weird. We all have names for a reason.

    Pariel on
  • ToxTox I kill threads he/himRegistered User regular
    edited August 2011
    Pariel wrote:
    Nothing says "solid personal cross-gender relationship" like a good handshake. But seriously, just let things go the way they do. Don't do things you think will make her uncomfortable and don't go in with high expectations. Forcing it will make you both unhappy.

    Definitely do not ever call her by her screen name in real life. That's weird. We all have names for a reason.

    Proper Etiquette dictates that a man should not initiate a handshake with a woman. It's considered disrespectful.

    Although I doubt many college-aged ladies are aware of or even care about this fact.

    And, yeah, use her real name.

    Tox on
    Twitter! | Dilige, et quod vis fac
  • willhelmsonwillhelmson Registered User regular
    Esh wrote:
    So simply when you see her, smile, call her by her screen name and enjoy getting to know your friend a tiny bit better!

    I gotta vehemently disagree with that part. Do NOT call her by any screen name she may use. Call her by her real name.

    Well, I beg to differ, but whatever works for your personalities! I'm also assuming you're comfortable introducing yourself by your real name or screen name, depending on which ones you guys use when you talk -- also I'm assuming your names aren't something ridiculous like "DonkeyLover118"

    I do believe my girlfriend and I had a good laugh when we met by calling each other our screen names at first, and laughing at how silly it all was, so I may be biased by that!

  • DraygoDraygo Registered User regular
    In public use her real name, in private, do what she wants. You can talk about this beforehand.

    Personally I have used both and it completely depends on the person you are interacting with. Some of them are more comfortable utilizing their online persona, others prefer their real name. Some of these friends of mine call me by my online persona publically, which I never minded because I typically use names that can actually pass as a first name. If I was xXxSniperxXx or any other sillyness, it would just make the situation wierd.

  • ToxTox I kill threads he/himRegistered User regular
    If most of their interactions are over Facebook and Tumblr, it's pretty likely they're used to using each other's real names. Especially if leans toward more facebooking.

    Twitter! | Dilige, et quod vis fac
  • EshEsh Tending bar. FFXIV. Motorcycles. Portland, ORRegistered User regular
    edited August 2011
    Esh wrote:
    So simply when you see her, smile, call her by her screen name and enjoy getting to know your friend a tiny bit better!

    I gotta vehemently disagree with that part. Do NOT call her by any screen name she may use. Call her by her real name.

    Well, I beg to differ, but whatever works for your personalities! I'm also assuming you're comfortable introducing yourself by your real name or screen name, depending on which ones you guys use when you talk -- also I'm assuming your names aren't something ridiculous like "DonkeyLover118"

    I do believe my girlfriend and I had a good laugh when we met by calling each other our screen names at first, and laughing at how silly it all was, so I may be biased by that!

    You are a minority opinion in this case. I would never, ever introduce myself by a screen name I used. Though this screen name is actually my last name. Hell, the picture is of me too.

    Not that there's anything wrong with it, but calling others by their screen name in public is very, very nerdy behavior and a lot of people aren't comfortable with that in the public eye. Just because someone uses Tumblr or Facebook doesn't make them ok with that. He could stand a really good chance of making her very uncomfortable by doing that. If someone I met when playing WoW saw me in public and said "HEY! KIRSI!" I'd give them such a look of horror...

    I'll talk about things like WoW, RPGs, whatever in public all day long, but call me by real name, please.

    Esh on
  • willhelmsonwillhelmson Registered User regular
    Esh wrote:

    I would never, ever introduce myself by a screen name I used. Though this screen name is actually my last name. Hell, the picture is of me too.

    Not that there's anything wrong with it, but calling others by their screen name in public is very, very nerdy behavior and a lot of people aren't comfortable with that in the public eye. Just because someone uses Tumblr or Facebook doesn't make them ok with that. He could stand a really good chance of making her very uncomfortable by doing that. If someone I met when playing WoW saw me in public and said "HEY! KIRSI!" I'd give them such a look of horror...

    Perhaps I'm much nerdier than even I expect? I'm quiet comfortable with someone calling me "willhelmson" considering my first name is "Will" but I'll defer to the other contributors above and whatever 'This Dude' feels comfortable with!

    My "real life" persona is that of a 28 year old clean cut, urban finance professional that wears tailored business suits 90% of the time .. SO maybe it just works as a personality foil to add some "colour" to an otherwise .. mm, stern(?) initial appearance?

  • ToxTox I kill threads he/himRegistered User regular
    edited August 2011
    I think it depends on context.

    If I'm at PAX, or even a PA forums Meetup of some kind, and people are calling me Tox, even at a restaurant or place where other people are around, it's not going to bother me.

    If someone refers to me as Tox when we're sitting outside of class? Uhm, that's weird.

    edit, can't resist: ARE YOU USERNAME LADIESMAN217?!

    Tox on
    Twitter! | Dilige, et quod vis fac
  • This DudeThis Dude Registered User regular
    Yeah, we talk to one another using our real names since we first started talking on Facebook.
    Tox wrote:
    It's not stupid that you've built something up in your head. That's normal. But be mature now, and try to push that mental build-up aside. You don't want to end up reading more into this than will actually be there.

    Also, from everybody who was in the last thread (you all know what I'm talking about)...I just want to say I'm happy you met a girl that actually has any inclination in meeting in real life.

    That's...refreshing.

    What thread is this?
    Esh wrote:
    This Dude wrote:
    as7, jebusud, esh: I'm not sure if she's the hugging type girl. I was never really a hugger in high school; though it's not like I don't enjoy it, it just never really happened. This one girl always initiated it with me but I never started one myself. So I'm not even sure how to read signs. I'm thinking I should just play it safe and not do it. But honestly a handshake seems equally weird.

    Let her initiate a hug if it's going to happen. You'll know, she'll come in and hug you. It's like in France, you let the woman initiate "les bisous" (the kiss greeting they do there).

    Oh, and definitely don't offer her a handshake. That's just weird.

    Well I doubt a hug will happen, mostly because I'll probably be sitting down when we first meet. (I get to places really early).

  • EshEsh Tending bar. FFXIV. Motorcycles. Portland, ORRegistered User regular
    edited August 2011
    This Dude wrote:
    Yeah, we talk to one another using our real names since we first started talking on Facebook.
    Tox wrote:
    It's not stupid that you've built something up in your head. That's normal. But be mature now, and try to push that mental build-up aside. You don't want to end up reading more into this than will actually be there.

    Also, from everybody who was in the last thread (you all know what I'm talking about)...I just want to say I'm happy you met a girl that actually has any inclination in meeting in real life.

    That's...refreshing.

    What thread is this?
    Esh wrote:
    This Dude wrote:
    as7, jebusud, esh: I'm not sure if she's the hugging type girl. I was never really a hugger in high school; though it's not like I don't enjoy it, it just never really happened. This one girl always initiated it with me but I never started one myself. So I'm not even sure how to read signs. I'm thinking I should just play it safe and not do it. But honestly a handshake seems equally weird.

    Let her initiate a hug if it's going to happen. You'll know, she'll come in and hug you. It's like in France, you let the woman initiate "les bisous" (the kiss greeting they do there).

    Oh, and definitely don't offer her a handshake. That's just weird.

    Well I doubt a hug will happen, mostly because I'll probably be sitting down when we first meet. (I get to places really early).

    Stand up when she gets there. It's polite. Seriously.

    Esh on
  • This DudeThis Dude Registered User regular
    Esh wrote:
    This Dude wrote:
    Yeah, we talk to one another using our real names since we first started talking on Facebook.
    Tox wrote:
    It's not stupid that you've built something up in your head. That's normal. But be mature now, and try to push that mental build-up aside. You don't want to end up reading more into this than will actually be there.

    Also, from everybody who was in the last thread (you all know what I'm talking about)...I just want to say I'm happy you met a girl that actually has any inclination in meeting in real life.

    That's...refreshing.

    What thread is this?
    Esh wrote:
    This Dude wrote:
    as7, jebusud, esh: I'm not sure if she's the hugging type girl. I was never really a hugger in high school; though it's not like I don't enjoy it, it just never really happened. This one girl always initiated it with me but I never started one myself. So I'm not even sure how to read signs. I'm thinking I should just play it safe and not do it. But honestly a handshake seems equally weird.

    Let her initiate a hug if it's going to happen. You'll know, she'll come in and hug you. It's like in France, you let the woman initiate "les bisous" (the kiss greeting they do there).

    Oh, and definitely don't offer her a handshake. That's just weird.

    Well I doubt a hug will happen, mostly because I'll probably be sitting down when we first meet. (I get to places really early).

    Stand up when she gets there. It's polite. Seriously.

    Yeah I played it out in my head after posting it and it would be weird to not stand up when she arrived.

    Though me standing up is also the same as holding a big sign up saying "hug me!". I'll just have to wait and see how that aspect of it goes, I guess.

  • This DudeThis Dude Registered User regular
    Tell me this: Would it be terribly dorky to talk to her about hugging before meeting? We've talked about ways to make our first encounter less awkward and I think that might fit in well. But if it's really weird I won't do it.

  • EshEsh Tending bar. FFXIV. Motorcycles. Portland, ORRegistered User regular
    This Dude wrote:
    Tell me this: Would it be terribly dorky to talk to her about hugging before meeting? We've talked about ways to make our first encounter less awkward and I think that might fit in well. But if it's really weird I won't do it.

    Oh, lord. Don't do that. You're WAY over thinking this.

  • DrezDrez Registered User regular
    This Dude wrote:
    Tell me this: Would it be terribly dorky to talk to her about hugging before meeting? We've talked about ways to make our first encounter less awkward and I think that might fit in well. But if it's really weird I won't do it.

    Yes, it would be terribly dorky. Do not do this. No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no.

    Switch: SW-7690-2320-9238Steam/PSN/Xbox: Drezdar
  • NecoNeco Worthless Garbage Registered User regular
    Drez wrote:
    This Dude wrote:
    Tell me this: Would it be terribly dorky to talk to her about hugging before meeting? We've talked about ways to make our first encounter less awkward and I think that might fit in well. But if it's really weird I won't do it.

    Yes, it would be terribly dorky. Do not do this. No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no.

    And just to reiterate what has already been said: NO.

  • JebusUDJebusUD Adventure! Candy IslandRegistered User regular
    This Dude wrote:
    Tell me this: Would it be terribly dorky to talk to her about hugging before meeting? We've talked about ways to make our first encounter less awkward and I think that might fit in well. But if it's really weird I won't do it.

    Like everyone else said, just relax and be personable. If you feel the hug coming on then do the hug. The handshake then do that. Probably a "So glad to finally meet you in person" said with a smile.

    I write you a story
    But it loses its thread
  • Inquisitor77Inquisitor77 2 x Penny Arcade Fight Club Champion A fixed point in space and timeRegistered User regular
    JebusUD wrote:
    This Dude wrote:
    Tell me this: Would it be terribly dorky to talk to her about hugging before meeting? We've talked about ways to make our first encounter less awkward and I think that might fit in well. But if it's really weird I won't do it.

    Like everyone else said, just relax and be personable. If you feel the hug coming on then do the hug. The handshake then do that. Probably a "So glad to finally meet you in person" said with a smile.

    Then pull it in...and hug.

    Kidding. No hugging, dude. You are obviously not the kind of person who can pull it off, so don't hug. Stop thinking so much about this. You do realize she's probably just as nervous as you are? Try to be a normal freaking person, and act how you would if you were meeting someone for the first time.

    You need to build a level of physical familiarity that has been absent in your internet communications. All the IMing in the world isn't going to replace that. So just take your time and be nice to each other. Eventually, assuming you just don't get along somehow, your interpersonal relationship will start to catch up to the soul-bearing faceless internet relationship, and the weird nervousness will slowly pass.

    But until then, just be normal.

  • JasconiusJasconius sword criminal mad onlineRegistered User regular
    edited August 2011
    OP have you like... interacted with a girl before? It doesn't sound like it. Otherwise you'd have the answers to these questions.

    Just be polite and chew with your mouth closed, make eye contact, and act like a human being.

    Then assess the situation afterward.

    Do not overthink this.

    Trying to script remarks and plot a course from Point A to omghugging is not going to help you.

    Jasconius on
  • Blake TBlake T Do you have enemies then? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.Registered User regular
    edited August 2011
    Dude you do what you want. (short of wearing a fedora of course I mean there is self respect)

    If you want to call someone by their screen name you do it. Some people have super annoying names to say (looking at mysst right now) if you don't want to hug the lady then don't.

    You two already have a friendship, it's not like you are going to have a getting to know you date.

    As long as you are relaxed and not a jerk things will be fine.

    Blake T on
  • EshEsh Tending bar. FFXIV. Motorcycles. Portland, ORRegistered User regular
    edited August 2011
    Blake T wrote:
    Dude you do what you want. (short of wearing a fedora of course I mean there is self respect)

    If you want to call someone by their screen name you do it.

    No, you don't do things that could potentially embarrass someone you've never met in real life before when you're trying to make a good impression.

    Esh on
  • Blake TBlake T Do you have enemies then? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.Registered User regular
    Nah it's just iPhone typing.

    I'll scrub over it in a bit.

Sign In or Register to comment.