I'm not doing that well...
Lodbrok
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
at all. I'm not sure that I should post this, but on the other hand I could use any advice I can get. I realize that I probably come across as a bit crazy and that I do not work the way you are supposed to, so please, keep the negative comments to a minimum. If you read this and just shake your head, don't point out that I am wierd and should just snap out of it, I already know this.
Ok then, some of you may remember a thread I made just before christmas about generally feeling down and having problems with a girl friend of mine. That thread is here:
http://forums.penny-arcade.com/showthread.php?t=9682&highlight=lodbrok
Long story, I have had feelings for this girl for a long time, finally told here what I felt for here since it would have been dishonest to continue as I did, she had never seen me as something other than a friend and we agreed that we would stay friends... the end.
Only, it wasn't. This was two months ago, and I had hoped that I would be able to move on and that my feelings would start to go away. We have not had that much contact during these two months, just sporadic sms and e-mails about trivial stuff. I have not been feeling well at all, on top of this situation with the girl I think I have a pretty bad depression. I have questioned what I have been doing with my life and took a long hard look at what I have accomplished so far. I did not like what I found. Appart from my professional life I have more or lessed failed in achieving my goals.
This was not a pleasant thing to find... I'm seriously considering just taking care of my obligations and start over completely. Perhaps it is just the depression talking, but I do not think I am able to form a successfull happy adult normal life, due to the way I work I think it might be better for me to pursue some other way of life. I'm looking into getting some professional help with my issues, but somehow I feel that would be just treating the symptoms. Just wanted to mention that I realise I am depressed and already looking for ways to deal with that.
Ok, on to the issues with the girl friend. Like I said, we have not had much contact since before christmas, I have not seen here or talked to her since then, only had contact over text. Yesterday was here birthday, and I felt that I at least had to congratulate her. Since I was not sure if she was busy, I just sent an SMS. Was not even sure I would get an answer, but I did. She wrote that she had tried to reach me on my birthday last month but had not been able to get a hold of me, and she ended with "I hope you are ok....".
Fuck. The last thing I need is this girl worrying over me. This morning I wrote a long e-mail explaining that I had not purposely avoided her. I have just been a bit introspective and thinking a lot. Which is true, I've spent a lot of time alone since I do not have that much energy for socialising and I feel that it is better that I keep my bad mood to my self. I told her that I hoped she was happy and that everything was going alright for her, and that if I seem to dissappear from time to time it is not because I do not care, and that if she ever needs a friend I'm there for her.
The answer I got somehow made me more unhappy. She wrote that I should let her know if I was feeling bad, and that even if we haven't had that much contact lately I should never hesitate to call her if I wanted to talk about something.
For once, I did not have an answer. How could I possibly tell her how what my problems are, when my stupid feelings for her are a large part of why I'm feeling like crap? That is not something I wish to put on someone else... and certainly not this girl. The fact that she cares about me makes this so much harder. I wish to be her friend, but I just don't know if I will be able to.
Obviously, there is something wrong with me. You are not supposed to have feelings this strong for someone you have never been more than friends with. I've tried to move on, but somehow I can't force myself to get interested in other girls.
What am I supposed to do? I've really missed her as a friend, but I don't know if I will be able to be a good friend right now. And what the hell is wrong with me? I've been rejected before, naturally, but I've never felt like this before. Should I just accept that I am a disturbed individual and accept that I am likely to remain single due to faulty neural wiring?
I just don't know anymore. Like I said, I'm considering just ending the life I'm presently living and immerse myself in something completely different just to get away from it all.
This probably sounds crazy, but if anyone has any meaningful input on my situation I will listen.
Ok then, some of you may remember a thread I made just before christmas about generally feeling down and having problems with a girl friend of mine. That thread is here:
http://forums.penny-arcade.com/showthread.php?t=9682&highlight=lodbrok
Long story, I have had feelings for this girl for a long time, finally told here what I felt for here since it would have been dishonest to continue as I did, she had never seen me as something other than a friend and we agreed that we would stay friends... the end.
Only, it wasn't. This was two months ago, and I had hoped that I would be able to move on and that my feelings would start to go away. We have not had that much contact during these two months, just sporadic sms and e-mails about trivial stuff. I have not been feeling well at all, on top of this situation with the girl I think I have a pretty bad depression. I have questioned what I have been doing with my life and took a long hard look at what I have accomplished so far. I did not like what I found. Appart from my professional life I have more or lessed failed in achieving my goals.
This was not a pleasant thing to find... I'm seriously considering just taking care of my obligations and start over completely. Perhaps it is just the depression talking, but I do not think I am able to form a successfull happy adult normal life, due to the way I work I think it might be better for me to pursue some other way of life. I'm looking into getting some professional help with my issues, but somehow I feel that would be just treating the symptoms. Just wanted to mention that I realise I am depressed and already looking for ways to deal with that.
Ok, on to the issues with the girl friend. Like I said, we have not had much contact since before christmas, I have not seen here or talked to her since then, only had contact over text. Yesterday was here birthday, and I felt that I at least had to congratulate her. Since I was not sure if she was busy, I just sent an SMS. Was not even sure I would get an answer, but I did. She wrote that she had tried to reach me on my birthday last month but had not been able to get a hold of me, and she ended with "I hope you are ok....".
Fuck. The last thing I need is this girl worrying over me. This morning I wrote a long e-mail explaining that I had not purposely avoided her. I have just been a bit introspective and thinking a lot. Which is true, I've spent a lot of time alone since I do not have that much energy for socialising and I feel that it is better that I keep my bad mood to my self. I told her that I hoped she was happy and that everything was going alright for her, and that if I seem to dissappear from time to time it is not because I do not care, and that if she ever needs a friend I'm there for her.
The answer I got somehow made me more unhappy. She wrote that I should let her know if I was feeling bad, and that even if we haven't had that much contact lately I should never hesitate to call her if I wanted to talk about something.
For once, I did not have an answer. How could I possibly tell her how what my problems are, when my stupid feelings for her are a large part of why I'm feeling like crap? That is not something I wish to put on someone else... and certainly not this girl. The fact that she cares about me makes this so much harder. I wish to be her friend, but I just don't know if I will be able to.
Obviously, there is something wrong with me. You are not supposed to have feelings this strong for someone you have never been more than friends with. I've tried to move on, but somehow I can't force myself to get interested in other girls.
What am I supposed to do? I've really missed her as a friend, but I don't know if I will be able to be a good friend right now. And what the hell is wrong with me? I've been rejected before, naturally, but I've never felt like this before. Should I just accept that I am a disturbed individual and accept that I am likely to remain single due to faulty neural wiring?
I just don't know anymore. Like I said, I'm considering just ending the life I'm presently living and immerse myself in something completely different just to get away from it all.
This probably sounds crazy, but if anyone has any meaningful input on my situation I will listen.
Lodbrok on
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No. No, no, no, no. There's nothing wrong with you at all, and get the thought out of your head that there is. Every girl I've ever had any romantic relationship with started out as a friend for whom I developed strong feelings. Does that mean there's something wrong with me too?
Here's the thing: we don't get to choose who we're attracted to. I'm borrowing that line from someone else who posts here (can't remember who or I'd credit...sorry, whoever you are!), and ever since I read it, I've used it when giving advice to friends on things like this. We don't get to choose, and sometimes we're stuck in a shitty situation. I've been in your shoes, and I'm not gonna lie, it took me a long time to get over the girl. We're close friends now, but it took time. Like, much longer than you've given yourself since you talked to your girl. You'll get over it, I promise. You just have to accept the facts of the situation and make peace with everything. Sorry if I'm being a little vague, I'm about to run out the door.
As for the rest, perhaps a change of pace is what you need. I wouldn't leave everything behind completely, but doing something new might give you the boost you're looking for.
Good luck man, be strong. You'll make it.
When this girl shut the door on me by saying, 'I don't feel that way about you', nothing really happened to me. I can't seem to shake the thought that she is the perfect one for me, that I could see the world and spend my time splendidly with her. Nothing of that view about her changed by her saying that, and that sucks bigtime.
When you break up violently or get to hear "i never want to see you again", the impact breaks your love for her. When a girl quietly asserts that 'it will never happen between us', I just go in my head like "i won't be the same person forever..." or " how did she get this strange view about me?" or some other valid excuse.
To have your ambition of love crossed like that, it doesn't seem like a real obstacle. She or you, has to make it real, more severe. This can be done by never seeing each other again (obviously not what you want in your case), but it would be better if you could talk it out.
That is a real test of your and her friendship. Everything she'll say, your feelings will shape it to mean the obstacle isn't that severe. You'll get little semi-subconscious 'gratification thoughts' (what i call em) that imagines a way or possibility that she'll fall or be in love with you. Striking those pleasant thoughts down every time, squashing your imagination, is a very depressing business.
If you want to stay friends, as she wants to, you'll have to make the obstacle real without creeping her out or letting it get into the way of your friendship. This has to involve telling her somehow, your subconscious will listen better to her, not your reasoning.
Be as honest as you could be, but don't for a second make the impression that your feelings are in control of you. Say that you are in control, but need some help in getting that ideal picture of you together out of your head. Replace the ideal with the real you and her, the person who is not in love with you and leading her own life. Not seeing her will not make it real to you, not talking about it will not make it real to you.
Every action you take, will be your choice. Everytime you don't act, you stop shaping the world the way you want. Don't regress into fantasy and escapism, face the facts.
She seems to be apprehensive enough, but you obviously are the better judge to say if she could deal with it.
Disclaimer: I speak from my own demented and inexperienced mindset, so this might be really bad advice to apply in your situation.
But I disagree, I do not think you should bring this back up with her. I promise you, she already knows whats bugging you, and she realizes why you have been distant.
Trust me, she knows. She has been dropping subtle hints that she knows, and that she still wants you as a friend.
Listen to Mad Jazz, he speaks the truth. You need time. There is nothing else that will fix this but time.
That said, I wouldn't be a jerk about it. It'd sit down and tell her(or even send her an email) and tell her that you still have feelings for her, and the fact that she doesn't return the feelings is driving you mad and that you just need some time away from her so that you can get over her. Afterwards you can resume friendship.
And with THAT said, you'll probably always be attracted to her. That doesn't mean you have to be IN LOVE with her.
Anyways, I've resorted to cutting contact off as much as possible. This is hard though, because she's so integrated into my circle of close friends. So, thanks to my douchebag-of-a-"friend" I'm now almost completely isolated. I have to be depressed in order for others to be happy. I can't hang out with my own friends.
That's just how it works, and I cant control it. Emotions can completely kill someone on the inside. Time will attempt to heal what you have left, though, so don't feel completely down. I know what you're going through.
Not necessarily. One of the two girls I've ever been in love with (I don't throw the term around lightly, and I've dated plenty more than just those two) was the one who didn't feel anything more than friendship. At this point, it would almost be weird if anything happened between us, because we're just really close friends now with no real attraction.
"You do not choose who to fall in love with..." Very true. Maybe I've just been unlucky but life would certainly be easier if I could force myself to be interested in more girls without knowing them well first. A character flaw perhaps, but on the other hand I feel it is a central part of who I am. I just don't know if I'm willing (or even if it is possible) to change that aspect of my personality. This is why I'm thinking about changing my life completely. I long ago promised myself that I would never again put myself in positions where I had no chance of success, and right now I think I fail at life. Of course, everything is relative and on the grand scheme of things I have no reason to complain. But I can only go from what my own goals are, and from that point of view it does not look so good.
Anyway, enough nonsense. It is good to vent a little and get some other peoples perspective on your problems. Oh, and one last thing:
To Bearcat:
That is a shitty situation. But I have to ask you, do you have anything against your "friend" apart from the fact that he "stole your girl"? It is always difficult to keep a clear head when feelings are involved, but somehow you must always want the best for the people you care for. If your friend is a good guy apart from this story with the girl, is is not better that the girl is with him (assuming he is not a bad person otherwise, but then, why were you friends with him?) than some random person who might treat her badly and be a horrible person? I don't know your the details of your story, but that was just what popped into my head.
And as I was reading your post I really started hated that girl, not because she did anything intentionally but I know the type. She does know what's bothering you and for her to say you can talk to her about it so she can give some kind of ego boost. I'm thinking before you said anything to her she gave some kind of sign that the relationship may be going somewhere further and when you said it she acted all surprised. I know the type, god help me, I know the type.
yes, I'm sick
No man, that's not how it went down. She never led me on and has never been anything than a good friend. If she had, I think I would have an easier time dealing with this. I hope I did not give the impression in my earlier posts that the situation was like that, she is not that type of person and I believe she seriously cares for me. If the situation was reversed, I believe I would act the same way she has... and frankly, had I been a bit less damaged I would probably have moved on by now. At least, I think a majority of my friends would have, so I think her offer was honest and not some sort of ego-boosting expedition. Remember, we were friends before and told each other our problems.
This old "friend" definitely isn't a "good guy" and in the past he's been one of the biggest douche bags I know. I guess he just really knows how to push my buttons. He's also been a real womanizer as well. He's not only said derogatory things about girls in general, but about the girl herself behind her back. He's only in the relationship for one reason, you know? Thats what eats at me. This is his first by the way, at age 19. He did nothing to to win the girl over. But on the other hand, I've known her for over 3 years trying to be considerate, going WAY out of my way to do things like help her when she's down and be there when she needed it.
I shouldn't be mad at any one particular person, it's the situation I hate. Sometimes, though, it's hard to keep a straight mind, you know?
But if he ever does ANYTHING to harm her in any sort of way, shape, or form, I'm going to find him and break his legs. And I'm not kidding.
This situation has happened to me more times than I care to recall. It's better for me if I just keep my heart cold and distance myself from women.
This is your thread, though, sorry for the off-topicness.
No, it's ok, I guess what can be said about my situation already has. Ok, I can see where you are coming from when you have problems dealing with that. But like was said earlier, we do not choose who we are attracted to and fall in love with. You can be the best friend in the world to someone, but that does not mean that there is an attraction on a romantical level. Some times it happens, sure, but it is pretty rare I would say to go from friends to something more. Obviously this girl was attracted to your "friend" and no matter how much it hurts you, as her friend, what else can you do than try to be there for her as a friend when he treats her badly? And from what you have been saying, it sounds like he will.
I think it is a bit sad that you feel that it is better to keep your heart cold. Bertrand Russel said "To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead." I say that it is better to go through life with an open heart and take the inevitable damage than to close yourself of to the people around you...