So I think I need to break up with my girlfriend

Bucketman

Hey H/A,

So I've never been good with this. I've been seeing a girl for almost 3 months now, and I know thats not a long time but I'm having a hard time trying to break it off.

Today we spent the day with a friend of mine and his family and I realisized that she annoys the hell out of me. Also she spends way too much of my money. When talking about it later with my friend he said I should make a list of pros and cons about her. The only pros I could come up with are we have a couple of similar interests and we make out. So that tells me its time to end it, and quick before she gets attached.

Except she already is. About 3 or so weeks ago she dropped the love bomb on me when we were parting company. I felt kind of awkward not replying, espically because we had already slept together, so I said it back, but I don't think I actually do love her.

The problem is I can't take hurting her. I know its going to hurt more if I don't but man, I was in a bad relationship for over a year because I didn't want to hurt her. I don't want to drag things out for no reason but I'm not sure how to do this.

So forums, how do I do this? Do I tell her to her face(most polite but she might cry or try to kill me. Or both)? Over the phone? I don't know how to do these things and I need help.

Thanks in advance

Druhim

You already have your answer. You know you need to end this, so get to it. You admit that dragging it out will just make it worse for her. There's really nothing else to be said that doesn't needlessly complicate this or pad out the process. You know you should just rip off the bandaid, now you just need to step up and do what's right. That's really all there is to it.

Mikesta

In person, unless there is reason for you to fear her after she gets the news. Make sure you are firm and that you present the news as definitive, but you don't really have to tell her why. Like, you don't have to be really blunt about your reasons for breaking up. Just make sure she understands, in no uncertain terms, that it is over forever. And you probably don't want her hanging out with you as a friend or anything for at least a year, if ever.

godmode

Always best to do it face to face, and no it's not easy. Try and let her down easy after a nice dinner or something. Personally (and this may not work for you, I don't know), alcohol can help ease the process a little. Not quite shitfaced, but enough to take the edge off, you know?

Blake T

Don't do it over dinner, that's a waste of time.

Go over and see her at her house. Don't do it in public, some people say do it in publc as some people wont want to make a scene but it's kinda a dick move.

Doing it at their place however lets you leave when you want to.

Just pick a date, say sunday, and say you are coming around to talk. Tell her it's not gong to work out for whatever reason and that's a pitty.

Don't say it might work out in the future or anything like that or you want a break.

Make it clear you are breaking up.

Esh

Blake T wrote:

Don't do it over dinner, that's a waste of time.

Go over and see her at her house. Don't do it in public, some people say do it in publc as some people wont want to make a scene but it's kinda a dick move.

Doing it at their place however lets you leave when you want to.

Just pick a date, say sunday, and say you are coming around to talk. Tell her it's not gong to work out for whatever reason and that's a pitty.

Don't say it might work out in the future or anything like that or you want a break.

Make it clear you are breaking up.

I agree with this, but I wouldn't say "coming over to talk". I'd just say I was coming over or something innocuous like that. "Coming over to talk" will probably set alarm bells ringing and put her on the defensive before you even get there.

But yeah, don't do it somewhere public, don't get drinks in you beforehand, and don't take her to a nice dinner and then spring this on her. Just get it over with.

Bucketman

I think I'm going over there tomorrow night and just saying: I don't feel like we click well and our personalities are too different. Sorry, but we should end this now before either of us gets too attached.

Kistra

Don't say the part about getting too attached.

Tastyfish

You (sort of) friends with any of her friends, might be worth letting them know that you're a "bastard" and are going to end it, and that perhaps they should pop around or possibly expect a call after you've broke the news.

Under no circumstances do this if you're not really in the same social circle (just go for a nice clean break), but if she was a friend of a friend, or you expect to meet her or her friends on a vaguely regular basis afterwards it might help a bit. They'll still consider you a bastard for a bit, and an arrogant one at that, but there's a bit more "well, at least he wasn't a complete jerk about it". Pretty sure if you play you cards right in the first conversation you can at least get the two of you to conclude that the relationship was probably doomed when you started rather than it being about you running away because you're scared of commitment or having girl #2 lined up already.
But then that's really only if you were dating within your circle of friends to start with.

Bucketman

Nope, met her online. We wound up crazily having a few friends in common, but I guess she never actually gets out unless I'm with her.

EggyToast

I'm not against you dumping her because you realize you don't really like her, but have you told her any of your misgivings about the relationship? If not, the first thing she's going to say is "why? it's so sudden, I thought you were happy?" and you'll have to explain yourself anyway.

Having a discussion about why you're not happy is a "great" segue into breaking up, because it at least makes sense. It gives you a chance to say "look, I'm not happy," talk a bit, and you can finish with "I think we should take a break" or "not date for a while" or "see other people." Whatever. And then you can finish it off when you've had a week apart and feel better about it.

That's my opinion. Since you've been going out for a few months and have arguably seen each other quite a bit, if you've been putting on a facade of happiness, dropping it out of the blue is going to hurt more than being honest about your feelings, even if the end result is the same. It's much "nicer" to say "I'm sorry, I'm not happy, and here's why I think we should break up" compared to "I think we should break up."

litoz

You seem to have a pretty shallow relationship with this gal, I doubt a full disclosure about your inner feelings and detailed reasons for breaking up with her is even needed... Don't let your guilt get in the way of cutting this girl loose

Druhim

Never pull the, "I think we should take a break for a while" nonsense. You want out, be honest about it.

Druhim

Never pull the, "I think we should take a break for a while" nonsense. You want out, be honest about it.

Bucketman

So. I went to do this thing and instead of doing what I assumed she stayed level headed and sat me down to talk about things. I figured if you have problems this early may as well bail, but I do like her, and she likes me so we decided to give it a second shot. Though I did make her promise me that if we have this a few months down the line still we could break it off. Still if it were up to me I would have made an ass of myself so thanks for the advice guys!

Druhim

Wait, you said this in the op:

Bucketman wrote:

Today we spent the day with a friend of mine and his family and I realisized that she annoys the hell out of me. Also she spends way too much of my money. When talking about it later with my friend he said I should make a list of pros and cons about her. The only pros I could come up with are we have a couple of similar interests and we make out. So that tells me its time to end it, and quick before she gets attached.

So what changed?

Bucketman

well we talked about the money thing, a lot. She agreed we would from now on if were going out at all as opposed to staying in and cooking which we are going to do more often, we will do one me one her for dates, and I guess the things that annoyed me have been issues for her in the past and she said simply telling her to stop it will in fact cause her to stop it as opposed to pissing her off like I assumed.

The second thing is still sort of an issue for me, but we will see how it works out. In terms of girls I've dated shes still the best since my first girlfriend.

WildEEP

Its your life dude, but I think you should be careful about the - "Stop it" rule. You can find yourself being her dad, rather than her boyfriend. If it isnt working out, it isnt working out.
Sometimes you just gotta get comfortable with being the asshole in certain situations. You arent doing this out of malice..it just isnt working for you, so its gotta end.

admanb

This forum has a reputation for being gung-ho about breakups, which I usually think is unfair... but in this case, I have to say this pushing is unnecessary. He may just have been in a particularly bad mood when he made that post about her being annoying, we don't know enough about the relationship to judge. If the dude was in an abusive or painfully attached relationship I could see where you were going, but in this case it's just obnoxious.

Bucketman

Yeah I've already decided that I am not her dad (may he rest in peace) and I am not looking for a pet to take care of. I want, nay, need a partner. If she shows no signs of improvement I am ending things.

Thank you all for the advice though, its given me a lot to think on.

Romero Zombie

Hmmm...curious to see how this ends up in a couple of months. Usually, when someone posts something along the lines of...I think I need to break up with my girlfriend, said persons mind is usually made up they are not happy and are looking for support to get out. Be sure this is what you want bud and you didn't get sucked into working things out.

apricotmuffins

its your decision, although...

Bucketman wrote:

Yeah I've already decided that I am not her dad (may he rest in peace) and I am not looking for a pet to take care of. I want, nay, need a partner. If she shows no signs of improvement I am ending things.

Thank you all for the advice though, its given me a lot to think on.

forgive me if I am interpreting this wrongly, but you cannot change a person to suit your tastes. Its not fair on both of you. I am skeptical that you are making the right decision here, if your need is for a partner and not for her, you are heading for a crap time, in my opinion.

lizardloop

Bucketman wrote:

well we talked about the money thing, a lot. She agreed we would from now on if were going out at all as opposed to staying in and cooking which we are going to do more often, we will do one me one her for dates, and I guess the things that annoyed me have been issues for her in the past and she said simply telling her to stop it will in fact cause her to stop it as opposed to pissing her off like I assumed.

The second thing is still sort of an issue for me, but we will see how it works out. In terms of girls I've dated shes still the best since my first girlfriend.

This is why when I break up with someone I never ever give them reasons that are to do with them. If they are strong then they read them as insults and suddenly you become the bad guy. If they are weak then they make all kinds of promises about "changing" or "well I'll do Y instead of X and then we'll be fine".

As cliched as it is the phrase "it's not you it's me" is bullet proof for situations like this.

Druhim

Or you just grow a backbone and be honest and don't let them talk you out of breaking up with them and refuse to argue with them instead of lying.

Slider

Hopefully, she will "turn her key," unlike Maura. Be firm.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vKQHJaGmkSw

tinwhiskers

Bucketman wrote:

I think I'm going over there tomorrow night and just saying: I don't feel like we click well and our personalities are too different. Sorry, but we should end this now before either of us gets too attached.

seatbelt rule of dating: If it doesn't click there's no point.

Kistra

At the same time relationships also take work. It is perfectly reasonable for people to need to sit down once in a while and discuss what is and isn't working in the relationship for them. Sometimes the issues that come up are insurmountable and they should break up, sometimes one person just doesn't realize that some little thing that they do (possibly even because they think the other person will like it) bothers the other person.

Druhim

Good relationships do take work, but most dating relationships are not going to work long term and if you've only been together for a few months and aren't all that close and serious about each other, there's nothing wrong at all with recognizing the relationship isn't what you want and moving on. The whole point of dating is precisely that you're not committed. Whether you get married later on or live together long enough for common law marriage or have a civil ceremony, if you get serious later on because you're both happy with the relationship and it's strong, great! But that doesn't mean every or even most relationships are worth putting that work into. But you've decided to give it another go, so time will tell.

PantsB

No offense, but if you're already sick of her after 3 months why bother? I can't see this ending well. If she annoys you and you can't think of a significant number of "pros" (frankly even making the list is usually a sign that its not working barring say a major time crunch) but you don't want to pull the breakup trigger because you don't want to hurt her feelings, letting her convince you that she can be better seems like just an unwillingness to pull the bandaid off from here

zerocount

Bucketman wrote:

Hey H/A,

...

Today we spent the day with a friend of mine and his family and I realisized that she annoys the hell out of me. Also she spends way too much of my money. When talking about it later with my friend he said I should make a list of pros and cons about her. The only pros I could come up with are we have a couple of similar interests and we make out. So that tells me its time to end it, and quick before she gets attached.

...

This.

You are dating someone who loves you, who "annoys the hell out of you," and you acknowledge that prolonging things is not a good course of action... so you have decided to keep trying?

It sounds like you know the correct course of action, but aren't prepared to act. Even if she resolves the economics issue, what about the fact that she "annoys the hell out of you?" If you aren't careful, 20 years from now, when your first kid goes to college, you'll be thinking back to your very candid and honest post in the PA forums, and very little will have changed.

If it helps with the bad message delivery: every moment you are with this woman, you are denying yourself a moment with someone that won't annoy the hell out of you.

Magic Pink

Another point: "She spend too much of my money" is YOUR problem, not hers. It's your money, don't spend it if you don't want to.

I have to ask, are you actively telling her what you want in a relationship and what you want to do or is she deciding most activities?