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Feeling broken and empty
Applechips
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I'm not sure how to start this. I'll probably spend most of the day writing it. I'm sorry it's so rambly.
I am so goddamn lonely. I have two friends. And I talk to these friends maybe twice a month each. They're great people, but I wouldn't say we're close. We just don't have any kind of shared emotional connection or bond at all. I'm really grateful to have them, and I'd do just about anything for them, but I really need something more, because that sentiment seems incredibly once sided, and the result is that I have no support structure at all through my friends. My family doesn't talk to me much - my sister and my dad being the only ones who will even initiate a conversation with me. The others say nothing unless I bring something up, and then the exchange is minimal. Therapy is too expensive. So this forum is pretty much all I've got right now. Which is why I'm making this post here instead of talking to a friend or a family member. I'm ashamed of my emotional state and I'm using this alt account because I feel like I already alienate the people I look up to here enough with my whiny main-account posts. I don't know why every single thing I do is mired in self conscious thoughts, but that's the way it is.
I have a few posts here, and they've all been threads like this, more or less. At one point, I was in a very bad place and feeling pretty suicidal. This isn't really the same kind of thing. I'm not really having problems with my weight anymore. I have a job now. I feel much more stable overall. I'm gonna be going to classes soon. And hopefully I'll be able to start my career in the next year or so. By all accounts, I'm much better off.
But I feel so isolated from the world. I feel different. Defective, almost, like everyone else just gets it, and I'm the one who has to grope through the darkness trying to figure everything out. I've never been in a relationship with another person. I've never kissed anyone. I've never held anyone. I've never been intimate with anyone. I've never allowed myself to be vulnerable in front of another person. I've never even had a close friend. I feel like there's some part of me that's pushing everyone away and I just can't imagine what it is. It's like I'm split into two halves. One half of me is screaming and crying out for companionship and the other half is defensively warning everyone who approaches to go the fuck away or else. And I say this because I seem to have this incredible knack for alienating or otherwise losing touch with all the people I come into contact with.
I live like a hermit because I'm comfortable that way. My life is pretty much broken between home time and work time. I get two days off per week and I generally spend the full day on my computer. I know I have to socialize to meet people, but I can't imagine where or how. The extent of my adventuring is a very rare visit to the coffee shop to sketch and people-watch.
I can't even imagine myself being intimate with another person. Because I feel so vulnerable all the time. My body disgusts me and I feel as though I have nothing to offer. I'm one of the forum transpeople and I can't shake the thought that I'm going to end up being ugly as all hell. Which I know is superficial and beside the point. But it's still scary. I can't even really approach people because I feel as though the person I am now is not the person I'm going to be in a couple of years.
What the hell is wrong with me? Are these normal thoughts? Has anyone been here before? Will this get better as I move into my career and become more in tune with myself?
I am so goddamn lonely. I have two friends. And I talk to these friends maybe twice a month each. They're great people, but I wouldn't say we're close. We just don't have any kind of shared emotional connection or bond at all. I'm really grateful to have them, and I'd do just about anything for them, but I really need something more, because that sentiment seems incredibly once sided, and the result is that I have no support structure at all through my friends. My family doesn't talk to me much - my sister and my dad being the only ones who will even initiate a conversation with me. The others say nothing unless I bring something up, and then the exchange is minimal. Therapy is too expensive. So this forum is pretty much all I've got right now. Which is why I'm making this post here instead of talking to a friend or a family member. I'm ashamed of my emotional state and I'm using this alt account because I feel like I already alienate the people I look up to here enough with my whiny main-account posts. I don't know why every single thing I do is mired in self conscious thoughts, but that's the way it is.
I have a few posts here, and they've all been threads like this, more or less. At one point, I was in a very bad place and feeling pretty suicidal. This isn't really the same kind of thing. I'm not really having problems with my weight anymore. I have a job now. I feel much more stable overall. I'm gonna be going to classes soon. And hopefully I'll be able to start my career in the next year or so. By all accounts, I'm much better off.
But I feel so isolated from the world. I feel different. Defective, almost, like everyone else just gets it, and I'm the one who has to grope through the darkness trying to figure everything out. I've never been in a relationship with another person. I've never kissed anyone. I've never held anyone. I've never been intimate with anyone. I've never allowed myself to be vulnerable in front of another person. I've never even had a close friend. I feel like there's some part of me that's pushing everyone away and I just can't imagine what it is. It's like I'm split into two halves. One half of me is screaming and crying out for companionship and the other half is defensively warning everyone who approaches to go the fuck away or else. And I say this because I seem to have this incredible knack for alienating or otherwise losing touch with all the people I come into contact with.
I live like a hermit because I'm comfortable that way. My life is pretty much broken between home time and work time. I get two days off per week and I generally spend the full day on my computer. I know I have to socialize to meet people, but I can't imagine where or how. The extent of my adventuring is a very rare visit to the coffee shop to sketch and people-watch.
I can't even imagine myself being intimate with another person. Because I feel so vulnerable all the time. My body disgusts me and I feel as though I have nothing to offer. I'm one of the forum transpeople and I can't shake the thought that I'm going to end up being ugly as all hell. Which I know is superficial and beside the point. But it's still scary. I can't even really approach people because I feel as though the person I am now is not the person I'm going to be in a couple of years.
What the hell is wrong with me? Are these normal thoughts? Has anyone been here before? Will this get better as I move into my career and become more in tune with myself?
Applechips on
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Do you have any hobbies? Get off the computer. Take up something like a sport, go to the gym, play Dungeons & Dragons at the local game store. Something that gets you out of the house.
At school, make friends in class. Study groups. It's easy. You just have to be assertive and friendly.
And I repeat, get off the computer.
You have nothing to be ashamed of and you're certainly not the first who feels the world is a difficult place to fit in. Most people go through something like that to some degree and finding once place is easier for some and others may just like act to fit in.
I very much agree with Esh about the getting out and doing something even if it's just talking a walk or maybe a ride on a bicycle. However building some online relationships may also be a start to get friends. Maybe you have some interest you'd share with others that could be a starting point - it may even get you some new topics to talk about off-line.
Also - it's almost guaranteed things will get better once you start your career. It will bring new experiences, you'll meet new people and all that. In fact it sounds to me like you're already on the right track having a job and starting classes soon.
PS. I see no rambling that calls for an excuse.
You might feel better about your body because you'll get in shape, and you might meet some people. Worst case scenario you go, don't like it, try something else.
And don't worry, pick up games are usually aimed at beginners.
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The other reason you should do this is because it will get you to meet a whole different category of people from those you've been meeting up to now. I can tell you there isn't a huge overlap between the people I see at the rink and those I see at my university's astronomy department, and that's great. Getting to meet a whole cast of new people with different interests could allow you to develop a wider range of interests of your own. It's also great because as we all know, some of us can be a bit awkward in social situations. It's difficult to make friends when the people you're trying to befriend are themselves not the most socially adept.
It would be especially good to pick a team sport, since camaraderie naturally arises in these circumstances. And there's always the beer after the game if you want to have a chat with your teammates.
This won't fix everything for sure, but I can tell you from experience that having a weekly game to look forward to makes everything a lot more manageable.
So start looking around for sports you could pick up. There's martial arts, but I find people kind of just pack up their gear and leave at the end of the class. It might take slightly more effort to develop friendships there that will last outside of the dojo. Although if you're interested, I can't recommend kendo enough.
It's the art of fighting with a katana (simulated with a bamboo sword). Physically intense, the sparring is incredibly fun, and the gear you wear protects you very well, so you shouldn't be afraid to get hit. You will probably find a club at your campus, or failing that, you can look for a club around your city. The sport's focus on one-on-one sparring (compared to other martial arts) makes it easier to make friends, as you have something to discuss at the end, and the moment when everyone takes off their armor is a natural one to chat with the others.
I don't know if hockey is a big thing where you are, but I can tell you it's the best of therapies. Another intense and stimulating sport. Totally works for me. Plus, it's a sport that requires a lot of technique, due to the fact that you're skating and not running, so you will see yourself improve for years.
The benefit of sports is that it's a work out without being mentally draining. I don't know about you, but I hate working out. I just feel it's so boring. On the other hand, sports allow you to better yourself while being engaged by what you're doing.
So yes, that's my advice. Find a nice sport that will make you sweat. This isn't going to fix everything, but it will make you feel better. And then, as you start meeting people, you'll start to realize that there is nothing broken about you in fact. I mean, you'll still think about this from time to time, but the feeling will be washed away soon enough. There probably isn't anything about you that's pushing people away. You figure this is the case because you think you don't have enough friends, but then again, you tell us you don't spend any time actually trying to meet people, so how do you know that something is wrong with you? Go out there. And don't think that people don't like you just because they don't immediately suggest to see you again soon. Everyone has some degree of shyness in these situations: it's a stressful thing to ask people if they, essentially, want to spend more time with you than is expected of them. Don't be afraid to take the first step. I'm someone who has trouble taking that step, and I often kick myself later when I realize I missed the boat.
Consider soccer. Not difficult to play in a beginner game, you don't need equipment, and it's an awesome workout.
Also ultimate frizbee, touch football, stuff like that.
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If you are a typical nerd, a tabletop roleplaying game or larp is a great way to meet people. There's no chance of the conversation flagging because you are there to play the game. I always do this when I want to meet people in a new town.
Agreed! Check out any local game shops you can find, they're almost always hurting for new people to join in on any events they have. Similarly, if you're about to start college/university fairly soon, see if you can find out when they have a "club day" going on, where all of the school-sponsored clubs get together to entice new members. You can wander around and get on the e-mail list of anything that looks like a good time for you, and there's not really any pressure to stay in the clubs if you find that they're not what you feel like doing or there aren't the types of people you'd like to hang out with. Because you are trans, it's possible, for example, that you might find an LGBT club on campus (there really SHOULD be one there) to be a comforting place to hang out. Looking into clubs is a good way to test the waters, and find out who it is you WANT to be friends with in the first place, or if you know who you want to be friends with, you can try to find them there. Also, yes, definitely try to talk to your fellow students... I've found it pretty tough to make friends since I moved countries, but if there's any class discussion, or you want to ask someone a question, or you happen to notice something cool about a person, that's a good way to start actually talking to someone. And if they're cool, get their contact info so you can stay in touch and maybe study with them!
At the same time, yes, I would recommend talking to a counselor or somebody like that about all this stuff. It's really hard to go through all this kind of stuff on your own, and if you don't have anybody really close to you who can help you and comfort you, you need to reach out and find somebody who can. As stated, colleges and universities usually have someplace on-campus you can go for free/cheap. I would definitely do it, even if it's just to vent and know that somebody's listening to you (which you kind of already are on here, good job! But it's better to have a support network in-person, especially since with forums as opposed to messengers/e-mail there's a little more distance between you and the people you're talking to).
Then we come to this:
Nope, you are not alone, not even close. One of the hardest things in dealing with depression is feeling like you're the only one who feels such a way, you are not special in that regard, everyone struggles with these feelings, some are just better at handling it, or have better support systems in place beforehand. I would have feelings just like this, they are hard to break, and I needed a 3rd party to both point them out, and help me determine their source. (Drinking alone as it turned out.)
I don't necessarily think you need to quit using the computer cold turkey either, but striking a balance in all things is key. I've found a more effective solution is to take small, incremental positive steps, the hardest thing is starting out, but once you have momentum built, things get much easier. So pick something simple, that gets you outside, and let things go from there. Learn to relish in the small victories and teach yourself to let go of the minor failures.
If you need to directly talk about your depression, go to student health (if you have that) and see if a nurse or doctor is willing to discuss these issues with you. You can broach the topic just like you've done here. It can just as well be a biological issue, so you're due.
You're spending a lot of time on the computer because you've developed a need for alone time. You will miss it if you happen to spend an entire day interacting with others, and you will be tempted to cut into your sleep or eating schedule to make up your time. That's a big mistake and it will cost you, so you've got to deprive yourself of solitary time forcibly until your body adjusts to the energy level required to interact with others. Keeping records helps: write down the times you engage in solitary lesiure and total them each day, then set limits and goals to reduce them based on your needs. Doing something gimmicky like that often helps you to establish order and change habits.
Visit a gym and do cardio or fat burning exercises to keep you honest with your daily schedule and give you the energy you need for social activity. If necessary, channel your self hate into enforcing exercise, but don't overdo it, and I'd recommend using that only as a temporary solution. If you feel the need to reward yourself afterwards, that's a marked psychological improvement.
These are all suggestions, but it would be a good idea for you to take all the advice in the thread like orders, since you most likely have diminished motivation and self determination. Making far future plans for yourself is a good sign, so watch for that.
Trying to logic yourself out of a funk almost never works for a variety of reasons, so stop trying to do that. Some of the smartest and wisest people in the world get depressed, and some never recover. Therefore, you cannot depend on your brain to save you. The human race isn't that smart or perfect. Do these mundane, unenlightened social tasks that have always worked, and save the introspection for when your brain can actually handle it. It can't now. I mean it, stop trying to think about who you are now and do some legwork. Hindsight is 20/20, so shelve the issue until you have the perspective to see the problem clearly.
Doc: That's right, twenty five years into the future. I've always dreamed on seeing the future, looking beyond my years, seeing the progress of mankind. I'll also be able to see who wins the next twenty-five world series.
On the other side, I know people who have joined book clubs, company sports team or school clubs. I was in both the Math and Chemistry clubs to meet people my first year of school.
I wish you the best and hope things go well for you.
Just remember that you're not alone. Plenty of people get depressed and suffer from depression. I'm not sure what things are like in your country, but I know here there are a few support networks and sites to help people with depression. They may help somehow, perhaps.
And yeah, get your butt some exercise. It's shocking how well it works.
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I won't dismiss suggestions of exercise and clubs and such. However, if this is something that has plagued you for a long period of time though it really ought to be addressed by a psychologist, psychiatrist or social worker. I understand there can be a stigma to this sort of thing but I promise you that there are mental health professionals out there who are willing to help you, you just need to get in touch with them.
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