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Girl Problems (warning: some drug references)
TB1
Registered User new member
Registered User new member
I'm having some problems with my girlfriend. We're both 20, in school. It's my first relationship, it's her third.
We got together ~7 months ago, and we had a great time. I recently transferred schools and at first we didn't think we wanted to do the long-distance thing, but about a week or two ago we decided to give it a shot. We thought it might work because we're not continents apart - I visit her every month or so. We have things planned out several months in the future for when we can see each other again.
There are some things that worry me, though. My biggest beef with her is that she is (in her words) "blunt". I try to be more diplomatic about things but I feel that I still get my point across; I try to understand different perspectives and give people leeway. She views this as me being a doormat. As an example, a friend of mine recently broke my bong on accident; I brushed it off as no big deal. It's still functional and I don't really smoke anymore, it was an accident, and the guy that broke it is my friend. She says she would be pissed, but I just sort of let it go.
The upshot of this, and how it relates to me, is that I feel that she criticizes me constantly. However, she is honestly, objectively right about a lot of the things she is critical about. For example, I'm not responsible with money, and she basically verbally abused me into saving money and being more responsible. I feel that this is a worthy goal (being more responsible) but that she could have been less blunt about it - she says this is "sugarcoating it" and thinks it's pointless/stupid. She says she has my best interests in mind and that she loves me - things that I 100% believe to be true.
Like I said, I haven't smoked in a while. I voluntarily quit smoking weed for about a month, and I was thinking about smoking again, maybe once every 1-2 weeks. She, however, does not think I should, and basically gave me an ultimatum last night saying that it's either weed or her.
I don't give a flying fuck about weed. I could never smoke again and be perfectly happy. But the ultimatum really pissed me off. Again, it's her being "blunt" - if she had said that it was important to her for me to quit, please quit, etc, I think I would have probably quit with no problem.
We have talked about her being blunt, and she says it's just her personality, and she will try to be less blunt about small stuff that bothers her, but in general if I don't like it then it's not going to work.
What this boils down to, I think, is that she is just more of a "tough love" kind of person, whereas I am the complete opposite. I honestly think that she should be more like me, and I should be more like her (ie, meet in the middle).
Are we simply incompatable? I don't know what to do.
We got together ~7 months ago, and we had a great time. I recently transferred schools and at first we didn't think we wanted to do the long-distance thing, but about a week or two ago we decided to give it a shot. We thought it might work because we're not continents apart - I visit her every month or so. We have things planned out several months in the future for when we can see each other again.
There are some things that worry me, though. My biggest beef with her is that she is (in her words) "blunt". I try to be more diplomatic about things but I feel that I still get my point across; I try to understand different perspectives and give people leeway. She views this as me being a doormat. As an example, a friend of mine recently broke my bong on accident; I brushed it off as no big deal. It's still functional and I don't really smoke anymore, it was an accident, and the guy that broke it is my friend. She says she would be pissed, but I just sort of let it go.
The upshot of this, and how it relates to me, is that I feel that she criticizes me constantly. However, she is honestly, objectively right about a lot of the things she is critical about. For example, I'm not responsible with money, and she basically verbally abused me into saving money and being more responsible. I feel that this is a worthy goal (being more responsible) but that she could have been less blunt about it - she says this is "sugarcoating it" and thinks it's pointless/stupid. She says she has my best interests in mind and that she loves me - things that I 100% believe to be true.
Like I said, I haven't smoked in a while. I voluntarily quit smoking weed for about a month, and I was thinking about smoking again, maybe once every 1-2 weeks. She, however, does not think I should, and basically gave me an ultimatum last night saying that it's either weed or her.
I don't give a flying fuck about weed. I could never smoke again and be perfectly happy. But the ultimatum really pissed me off. Again, it's her being "blunt" - if she had said that it was important to her for me to quit, please quit, etc, I think I would have probably quit with no problem.
We have talked about her being blunt, and she says it's just her personality, and she will try to be less blunt about small stuff that bothers her, but in general if I don't like it then it's not going to work.
What this boils down to, I think, is that she is just more of a "tough love" kind of person, whereas I am the complete opposite. I honestly think that she should be more like me, and I should be more like her (ie, meet in the middle).
Are we simply incompatable? I don't know what to do.
TB1 on
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Me: So I think I'm going to start smoking again, like maybe once every week or two.
Her: Fine, you can smoke and we can schedule a time once a week for us to talk when I know you're not going to be high and you can do whatever the fuck you want the rest of the time.
Me: Uhh, what? It's not that big of a deal. What about if I told you ahead of time that I was going to smoke? Or on a certain day of the week I would potentially smoke?
Her: No.
In my opinion, if you want to smoke weed just go for it. Don't let her dictate your life, specially not in a long distance relationship. Ironically you'll be doing what she says you should; stop being a doormat.
I disagree with her saying you should be mad at your friend for breaking a bong though. Accidents happen and holding a grudge won't make anyone happy.
If you could not smoke again and be happy, why do you want to start again? Is it for the social aspect? I'm assuming you live in the USA, where marijuana is illegal, and it costs money in any case.
That being said, it is entirely possible that the two of you are incompatible. You are 20. That means you are but mewling babes when it comes to relationships, and the odds that you will stay together long term are not good. Learn what you can from this relationship, savor the good times, and don't beat yourself up too much when it comes time to move on.
Is smoking weed a big clashing point with the two of you? . Again, if her bluntness is something you find endearing or attractive when I would have a conversation with her about the things she seems to get overly upset about in your opinion, why it bothers you when she says those things and why it bothers her when you do them.
She's convincing you to save money and stop smoking weed... While she might be very "blunt" about it... these advice is probably for your own good.
I'll say you two are in a different maturity level, with different goals and ideals and hence the incompatibility. Unless one of you match their line of thinking with another the relationship will be very painful...
though, regarding your weed habit, i agree on the point that she probably just wants assurance that you're not high when you're interacting with her. it is likely she just wants to know that you are fully "there" and listening.
I'm not sure how you would go about this - if she has such a huge problem with weed and you don't, either of your stances are probably not going to change in a major way and this issue will come up again and again.
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To her, randomly announcing that you'd like to start smoking up again is an indication of backsliding and is going to be met with annoyance not really directed at the act itself, but what it represents to her. Whether or not you're willing to accept this is up to you, but she seems to making her expectations of you fairly clear.
Having a "blunt" personality isn't necessarily a bad thing. She won't let things get completely out of hand or fall apart without saying something. Constant feedback is better than no feedback at all.
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"I wouldn't want to try to connect and have a conversation with my beloved if she was high."
why
what kind of crazy misconceptions do you people have about smoking a little weed? this sounds horrible and toxic and poisonous, to the OP, by the way. controlling stuff like that is never any good.
All the rest of the stuff may or may not be unreasonable. *shrugs* But that particular request is completely reasonable.
She honestly sounds pretty upset and a bit brainwashed, though she could have genuine issues here that need to be talked about.
Also, if you don't like how she's speaking to you, tell her. Be honest and kind but, yeah, I would personally let her know you want her to be honest but, a little more gentle to facilitate the real relationship you both want to cultivate.
I sort of see what you mean (being sober around some high people can suck) but, weed can affect some people wildly different than others and I think that's an important aspect of brain chemistry to remember.
I definitely understand where you're coming from but, I do know some people who can function perfectly well high and it is worth taking that kind of person into consideration to avoid that awful misconception that all high people are stupid, boring, or not themselves because it does damage people and their relationships.
Honestly, it seems to me like she generally only wants your own good, even though she might be rude about it. That Skype conversation doesn't seem so out of line for me.
Instead, she said "Fine, do whatever you want, I don't care, and because I don't care I'm going to cut down on the time that we talk as punishment."
Regardless of what any of us feel about marijuana, your girlfriend obviously has an opinion. She has an opinion about quite a few things in your life, too. She is apparently interested in changing you to fit what she believes would make her happy, rather than accepting you. Whether that affects important elements of your life is up to you. For example, I asked my girlfriend to load the dishwasher from back to front. It's a small request, so I assume she's not bothered by it. When she doesn't, I don't get angry. When I notice it and we're loading the dishwasher together, I'll mention it again -- not in a condescending way, but in a direct, "blunt" way like "hey, you should load from back to front due to weight on the shelf -- and so you don't have to touch the dirty stuff while sliding the shelf out." I could say something like how your girlfriend does, such as "fine, if you're going to load the dishwasher, I don't want to touch it until it's full and you run it and empty it after."
And dude, if you don't live near her, then why should she care if you're getting high? I can almost guarantee she cares because it's an aspect of your life that she isn't able to control. I mean look at your skype conversation. You said, I might start smoking weed again, and she said, well I better fucking be able to tell you when you're smoking.
Also, to these people saying her reaction to you smoking is reasonable, fuck that. Sometimes I call my girlfriend, and she is high, and I don't give a shit because it's her life and her time and she can do whatever she wants. Honestly, I'm kind of happy because it means that she is just chilling and having a good time. No one gets really stoned and then blacks out and cheats on their girlfriend, her reaction is entirely unreasonable. If you were smoking all day every day there could be some justification for her trying to stop you, but otherwise that is just ridiculous.
Also your friend broke your bong, and she told you that you should be mad at him? Even though she's against you smoking weed. Interesting, analyze if this is the type of person you want to be with.
If you're TWENTY YEARS OLD, you really shouldn't be having to tolerate stuff like this from a girlfriend. Honestly, you should break up with her, because from what I've seen, controlling significant others only get more controlling, and you end up getting sucked into their spiral and they run your life. Think about it.
Do you want a girlfriend who is constantly struggling to change you into a different person, or one that augments how awesome you are, and enjoys who you are without trying to change you?
I could be totally wrong, just my 2 cents.
yup, here it is. Filed under J.
From what the OP has written about his girlfriend, she comes off as undiplomatic, but generally correct in her views on life. Getting pissed at someone for wrecking your stuff (and presumably not paying to replace it) is not unreasonable. Being responsible with your money is a good thing. Not smoking weed is generally a positive choice in one's life. All of the stuff she's pressuring you on are things you should be doing on your own.
The question for the OP, I guess, is whether he's at a point in his life where things like smoking weed is more important this particular relationship. His girlfriend's dislike of weed is not irrational and I don't think she comes off as controlling. But, the two of them might be at different points in their lives, which can be a major source of incompatibility. She seems like she has a good head on her shoulders and is pretty mature, but she probably needs to work on her lack of tactfulnes.
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But really the ultimatum thing is never a good sign. There's some quote about ultimatums this or that not being good. I'd talk to her about this, how it makes you feel.
Sounds like she's had some positive effects on your life which is good. It's good to have someone to call you on your shit sometimes. I've enjoyed being in relationships like this just because it's nice to have someone not let you get into your own ego so much, but that relationship got out of hand and she went on a power trip and I wanted nothing more to do with her.
Is it worth it, especially being a long-distance relationship?