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Ending a relationship? But I have second thoughts.
cyclohexane
Registered User new member
Registered User new member
This is an alt account of course. My girlfriend Zoe and I have been going out for a year or so, give or take. After a talk, we decided we should go on a break--I was the initiator of this, and it's pretty much one sided; it did get dragged out a bit earlier than I was ready to make that decision, however.
And so here's the rub: I'm not completely sure I want to end it. Zoe called me yesterday, and even though I probably should have not answered, I did. I agreed to meet her in a few days. I get the feeling that this probably could be patched up if I wanted, although I'd be a dick for having jerked her around so much. In any case, here's background on the decision:
We've been dating for about a year. I am four years older than she is: she's twenty, and I'm twenty-four.
I've been considering ending it for a while. Although while we're together, I don't think much about it, every so often I just think about how much time I waste with her. The relationship is generally considered by both of us bound-to-fail. I'll be moving in about a year, and she doesn't like long distance relationships. What's more, I don't think that, once she was out of school, she'd be able to move with me anyway, and neither of us are anywhere close to making a decision like that anyway. We both have talked about it, and we're pretty sure what would happen is we'd move apart, then gradually grow apart.
That doesn't mean we don't have fun now, although sometimes I think she has a lot more fun than I do. It's very difficult to motivate her to go out and do things, and she's disinterested in most of my hobbies. I don't just mean playing video games and nerd stuff, but she doesn't like much discussing movies or going to concerts or going to parties, nor a number of other activities I've invited her to. A lot of it is a shyness, and she might grow out of it, but it's been a year and so I've been getting tired of waiting.
Other than that though, she's mostly great. Caring and nice. She complains a lot, but it's not a big enough deal to be a deal breaker, and I'm not trying to tally whether she's worth being with or not, but whether it's worth pursuing what is generally assumed to be a temporary relationship. Her family is awesome and it's fun being with them. She's very involved with them, so they figure rather prominently into our lives.
95% of our activities together come down to the following: Getting dinner. Watching movies or TV shows, most either being date type movies, the occasional classic I slip in, or something we can both agree to be interested in watching. Some family event of hers. Sex. As of late, I've been extremely busy with a number of time commitments both familial and professional that I struggle to meet. My feelings is that the relationship is doomed. If it wasn't doomed, I might not be sure that she's the one I'd want to be with forever anyway, and that I might do better if I didn't have to balance her into the rest of my life.
But after we made that decision, I've felt terrible. It was all I could do today not to just beg her that I'm sorry and we should go back to how it was. Rationally I've made this decision, but I still miss her. A lot. So I thought I'd ask for advice on how to proceed. She's mentioned hanging out more casually. Is that a good idea or a bad idea? I'm a fool for trying to ruin a good thing? And so on. Thanks for taking a look, I can't guarantee I'll follow any advice, but I can definitely use thoughts to consider and reflect on. Thanks.
And so here's the rub: I'm not completely sure I want to end it. Zoe called me yesterday, and even though I probably should have not answered, I did. I agreed to meet her in a few days. I get the feeling that this probably could be patched up if I wanted, although I'd be a dick for having jerked her around so much. In any case, here's background on the decision:
We've been dating for about a year. I am four years older than she is: she's twenty, and I'm twenty-four.
I've been considering ending it for a while. Although while we're together, I don't think much about it, every so often I just think about how much time I waste with her. The relationship is generally considered by both of us bound-to-fail. I'll be moving in about a year, and she doesn't like long distance relationships. What's more, I don't think that, once she was out of school, she'd be able to move with me anyway, and neither of us are anywhere close to making a decision like that anyway. We both have talked about it, and we're pretty sure what would happen is we'd move apart, then gradually grow apart.
That doesn't mean we don't have fun now, although sometimes I think she has a lot more fun than I do. It's very difficult to motivate her to go out and do things, and she's disinterested in most of my hobbies. I don't just mean playing video games and nerd stuff, but she doesn't like much discussing movies or going to concerts or going to parties, nor a number of other activities I've invited her to. A lot of it is a shyness, and she might grow out of it, but it's been a year and so I've been getting tired of waiting.
Other than that though, she's mostly great. Caring and nice. She complains a lot, but it's not a big enough deal to be a deal breaker, and I'm not trying to tally whether she's worth being with or not, but whether it's worth pursuing what is generally assumed to be a temporary relationship. Her family is awesome and it's fun being with them. She's very involved with them, so they figure rather prominently into our lives.
95% of our activities together come down to the following: Getting dinner. Watching movies or TV shows, most either being date type movies, the occasional classic I slip in, or something we can both agree to be interested in watching. Some family event of hers. Sex. As of late, I've been extremely busy with a number of time commitments both familial and professional that I struggle to meet. My feelings is that the relationship is doomed. If it wasn't doomed, I might not be sure that she's the one I'd want to be with forever anyway, and that I might do better if I didn't have to balance her into the rest of my life.
But after we made that decision, I've felt terrible. It was all I could do today not to just beg her that I'm sorry and we should go back to how it was. Rationally I've made this decision, but I still miss her. A lot. So I thought I'd ask for advice on how to proceed. She's mentioned hanging out more casually. Is that a good idea or a bad idea? I'm a fool for trying to ruin a good thing? And so on. Thanks for taking a look, I can't guarantee I'll follow any advice, but I can definitely use thoughts to consider and reflect on. Thanks.
cyclohexane on
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It lasted about another month before I ended it again, and that time was far, far worse. And we tried to be friends after because I could not see that I needed to just move on and that's the way things go. You can't have your cake and eat it too (I think that applies here).
You need to really think hard, and it seems you have, about where things would go if you stayed together. You already mentioned you would drift apart. You already see there are flaws and that it could be better. You're 24 (granted, I went through this when we were both 19) and have a lot of opportunity still. Her even more so.
End it, be firm, be kind, but don't go back on it.
Just from the way you write about her, it doesn't sound like you're enamored with her. Also you mentioned that in a year you'll be moving and she doesn't really like the idea of long distance and you figure it'll end then anyways. The idea that you're relationship is "doomed" doesn't really seem to bother you all that much
I dunno, you don't seem to be THAT invested in her. Seem like she's a nice girl and you care about her but you aren't being torn apart by the this choice. Meet with her and go your separate ways.
Speaking from experience, it'd probably be best if you didn't talk or hang out for awhile. When an ex and I broke up, he said he "still wanted to be friends". I was naive enough to take this at full value and it was miserable. I was angry all the time at him for not "trying to be friends" like he said he wanted to do and frustrated and upset. I wish I'd just taken the hint and stayed away (but I guess then I wouldn't have this lovely insight). Seriously though, after a relationship its best to just give each other some space
I do feel very strongly about her, and I don't want to give the impression that, because above I listed out her faults, that I don't care for her. The first night after I did this was embarrassingly rough. Little things have brought about some pretty terrible feelings as well.
That reminds me of another piece of information that is probably relevant that I completely forgot to mention. I will bold it to make sure other's see it: this was my first relationship. I think it's leaving me a little afraid to act.
Good luck though. Really. It's hard.
Of course, at this point it seems like you've made your decision. Once you've opened up the idea of breaking up, it's really tough to put that away again. It's also really tough to be in this situation. I think you care about her, but sometimes you just have to do what you need to do, hurt feelings or not.