How to make friends and not creep out people [Socializing]

PROX

I think I creep people out a lot. How do I not creep people out? I find myself slipping further and further into depression as my community becomes estranged to me. I need advice. And possibly therapy.

Feral

You could start by not having a throbbing clown penis as your avatar.

LaOs

It's a carrot, but now I can't unsee it.

Thanks, Feral. :P

ElJeffe

I think you're probably looking for more specific advice, so I sent this to H/A, Holy Land of Advice and Stuff.

edit: Not sure how to redirects in these new forums, so I'll leave it in D&D lest it be lost forever.

admanb

If this is gonna be an H/A thread you're gonna have to be a lot more specific.

PROX

Shoot I forgot about H/A. Yeah how do i prevent myself from doing that kind of stuff. Like posting in the wrong threads and forgetting about rules.
I dont have specifics because I dont know what is wrong. I guess Im not familiar with people's boundaries.

Deebaser

BREAK UP WITH HER!

oh wait, this isn't H/A yet.

ElJeffe

PROX wrote:

Shoot I forgot about H/A. Yeah how do i prevent myself from doing that kind of stuff. Like posting in the wrong threads and forgetting about rules.
I dont have specifics because I dont know what is wrong. I guess Im not familiar with people's boundaries.

If you would like to have this discussion in H/A, you can remake it over there. I can move it there myself, but you really should add some more specifics if you want targeted advice, so redoing the OP wouldn't hurt.

Or we can leave it here. Your call, home-skizzle.

TL DR

I imagine we could have a good general discussion on social awkwardness and how it can be conquered.

spool32

PROX wrote:

Shoot I forgot about H/A. Yeah how do i prevent myself from doing that kind of stuff. Like posting in the wrong threads and forgetting about rules.
I dont have specifics because I dont know what is wrong. I guess Im not familiar with people's boundaries.

Impulse control to start. Forgetting rules and social mores is often, for those without a specific impairment, just a question of learning to focus your attention and actually notice things around you. Get out of your head, and listen to what is said around you. See people and how they interact with you and each other.

This isn't really a skill that comes naturally to everyone, and is often trained out of you at a pretty young age. It might take some effort, but it's worth the work. Observation is a very useful skill.

Also, orange penis avatar is not a great icebreaker.

Feral

spool32 wrote:

Impulse control to start.

Unless he's already too shy.

spool32 wrote:

Forgetting rules and social mores is often, for those without a specific impairment, just a question of learning to focus your attention and actually notice things around you.

Unless he's already hypervigilant (as is common in people with social anxiety).

That's kind of the problem with these sorts of general advice threads. There's a balance to be found and it's easy to give people advice that, while generally good, is inappropriate to the particulars of their situation.

PROX

Great now I can't unsee it. I kind of want to leave this here. We can have a discussion.
People are recommending i seek therapy. Probably should.

spool32

Feral wrote:

spool32 wrote:

Impulse control to start.

Unless he's already too shy.

spool32 wrote:

Forgetting rules and social mores is often, for those without a specific impairment, just a question of learning to focus your attention and actually notice things around you.

Unless he's already hypervigilant (as is common in people with social anxiety).

That's kind of the problem with these sorts of general advice threads. There's a balance to be found and it's easy to give people advice that, while generally good, is inappropriate to the particulars of their situation.

Feral speaks da troof. With no more details, we're all just farting in a windstorm here.

PROX

Okay um specifics: There's this popular artist whom I took one of her characters and made a maquette with 3D modeling. I spent about two weeks on it and $80. Significant amount of time and money. She's an artist who inspires me a lot and I wanted to help get the word out about her independent project. So I started tagging my facebook photos of the maquette at Blizzcon with her name on it. She sent me a message to stop tagging her in my pictures and to stop trying to be so personable.

Sentry

Okay, so, do you not see why someone may have an issue with being tagging in things they don't really have a part in?
If you can see why someone might have a problem, then you are likely fine and just made a mistake. If you can't, then there may be some boundary issues you need to work on.

PROX

Then I guess I have boundary issues to work on. It's her character, and I made fanart.

adytum

Not just tagged, but tagged as a 3D scale model of a character that was carried around..

DasUberEdward

I find that getting drunk helps.

YRMV.

Modern Man

I assume you don't know this person, but are just a fan of her work? Tagging strangers on your Facebook page is not really appropriate.

Sentry

PROX wrote:

Then I guess I have boundary issues to work on. It's her character, and I made fanart.

Right. And if you had just sent it to her, that would be one thing. But you plastered it over Facebook and tagged her all over it, which is basically forcing her to either make you stop or having everyone think you have her approval for what you did, which she may or may not want to give. Either way, you didn't really give her a choice.

rockmonkey

A lot of times people who are artists of even just professionals don't want their name affliated with something they have no control over and don't promote or that could damage their name or image if it's not in line with their goals.

I can see how if I was an up and coming artist I wouldn't want what is or isn't my work muddled or the tone she is trying to set with her persona altered by a random fan trying too hard and who might be doing more damage than good.

PROX

She's not an up and coming artist but rather a well known extremely popular artist. You guys are right though, I should have asked.

PROX

Well she did treat me to lunch and asked to meet up after meeting at one of her book signings. But then she never messaged me back.

admanb

Right. The problem wasn't in the fan art you created, but in the relationship you tried to define out of it. You took fan art, which is a tributary relationship, and turned it into Facebook tagging, which is a personal relationship.

(edit: if she treated you to lunch that's slightly different, but you still escalated in a way that wasn't supported by the current definition.)

PROX

I see. Alright i understand now.

Sentry

One thing that helps with socialization is realizing that your intentions do not always equal others perceptions. You can get upset by the fact that someone sets boundaries, like this artist did (although maybe not as nicely as she could have) or use that to take a look and see just where the disconnect between intent and perception occurred, like you are doing. Actually, you're kind of doing both, but still, forward progress!

Feral

Did she ask you to make this 3D model of her character?

Edit: never mind, admanb nailed it.

bowen

Thanks feral.

PROX

Right now I'm feeling really crestfallen. Everyone loved it Blizzcon. I have picture of it being held by Sam Didier! I was doing a lot of networking.

LaOs

Making the fanart may not have been that bad, but taking that and then assuming a personal relationship with the original artist was likely a step too far.

Invisible

It's just a life lesson. If you're going to use someone else's work get their permission first. It's really not something to get worked up over, and if it's something they liked doing something original in the same style may be even more beneficial for you.

admanb

PROX wrote:

Right now I'm feeling really crestfallen. Everyone loved it Blizzcon. I have picture of it being held by Sam Didier! I was doing a lot of networking.

Did you pull all the tags and apologize? You're not completely sunk here, but you need to step back and not try to push anything.

acadia

Put down the knife.

PROX

I did pull all the tags and apologized.

TL DR

Really this sounds like more of a Facebook faux pas than anything. 'Tagging' means that the images would show if someone was looking at her profile pictures, while 'sharing' or even just a wall post would fit in more with what it seems you were trying to do.

Live and learn, no big deal.

KalTorak

Seems like more appropriate netiquette would have been to tweet pictures of them and include her twitter name so she would see them. Less of an association implied there.

surrealitycheck

don't worry prox you are a beast

shit will work out

PROX

Thanks guys. Helped a lot.