So, about a girl...

Element Brian

So this might be a bit long, but I'd really appreciate some advice.. I'm bringing this up here because I'm not sure how my friends or family would react if/when I tell them about this girl. We met at a restaurant where her aunt works and I had come in with some friends, I saw her talking to a waitress and laughing/staring at me so i figured, screw it and walked up to her to see what she was laughing about. We hit it off and set up something for the next day, which went great and we've been seeing each other since. It wasn't until our date that I found out how old she was, she had only just turned 18 about 2 months before (I'm 24). Which means had I met her 2 months ago I wouldn't even think of dating her, just because I wouldn't want to tangle with that law.

I usually don't really care about the age difference, its easy for someone who is 18 to be far more mature than someone my age at 24. And that's where I'm concerned with her... As I've started to become closer to her romantically, she's shared with me some close details from her life, she said she was molested when she was 9, and that her last boyfriend raped and beat her. She had never drank or smoked weed until she started dating this last guy and thats where she kind of went off the deep end, until this past month where she moved to live with her Aunt so she could get away from that lifestyle in my town and is how I met her. On top of that, it seems her parents were completely neglectful and emotionally abusive, like to the point that she has no formal education. When she was in 2nd grade her mother pulled her and her brothers out of public school because she didn't like the teachers, so she was 'homeschooled' but it sounds like her mother pretty much gave up during that time but still refused that she went to school, (think Matilda). So on top of her other problems she never graduated from School and doesn't exactly have a formal education.

Just a note now, she isn't 'dumb'. We get along great and she's treated me better than almost any girl I've ever dated. It's not like she can't read or write, she just never had the full formal education like you would expect someone in modern day America to have. She wants to get away from the drugs and alcohol lifestyle from before, which is part of the reason why she probably likes me since I don't smoke or drink.

I don't have a problem with stuff that she's done in the past because well, its the past and the the future is whats more important. My only real concern is just..whether she is mature enough for the relationship I'm looking for. For example when I met her the first time i could tell she was nervous, but I just took that as a sign that she was attracted to me, and now when were together she isn't nervous or anything around me, she tells me everything, but the other day when I introduced her to one of my friends she got nervous again and looked down at the ground instead of looking up at them, and to be honest, it almost felt kind of childish. At the same time I do really like her and I feel bad even thinking of not dating her just because she isn't 'as mature as I want her' to be. She's told me that she wants a serious relationship, like me, and wants to have a family of her own someday so she can not make the same mistakes her parents did. I just, I'm afraid that she..became too infatuated with me too easily..if that makes sense? Also I know she wants to avoid using drugs again, and if she's with me then thats not really gonna happen, so I really feel this desire to keep her clean in that sense and I'm afraid if we did break up then she'd just start hurting herself again.

I'm not really sure what I'm asking here, if any of you have experience with girls who have been in this situation and have some advice or stuff I should be aware of. Or I'd just like to know if you think this is an ok situation with her being so young; I guess you can't really know all the details here but I haven't really told anyone else about her other than, "im dating this girl now' so i've kind of wanted to atleast just write this down and tell SOMEONE about whats going on here so I can get an outside perspective on this relationship..

Tox

Some people are shy around people they don't know. In addition, people who have had a history of being abused tend to become very guarded and withdrawn around new people.

I say go for it. I mean, maybe try to keep things relatively casual, if you can, until you get to know each other a bit better, but don't let the past, or the present for that matter, stop you form giving it a chance. You never know.

Eat it You Nasty Pig.

half life plus seven has never steered me wrong before

ceres

I am a girl who is in this situation, so there's that I guess.

Having the history you say she has, the shyness around new people thing is pretty normal, especially if she broke up with that guy not too long ago.

Don't attempt to save her from the world because over-protectiveness, while sweet-seeming at first, can become an obsession, and anyway you can't really. Don't try to fix her, because it is an awful, shameful, sometimes even scary thing to feel like you're somebody's project. It's better to let her be social in the way she's comfortable being social and let her therapist do much of the rest. Hold her when she wants it and listen when she wants it, but that's really all you can do. Don't try to be her therapist and for the love of God make sure she feels okay with anything physical and never be passive-aggressive if she doesn't want to do anything.

She does have a therapist, right? Because if not she really, really needs to, and the sooner the better. I waited years just figuring it was over and therefore okay, and let me tell you, that shit comes back.

Fyndir

Element Brian wrote:

when I introduced her to one of my friends she got nervous again and looked down at the ground instead of looking up at them, and to be honest, it almost felt kind of childish.

You need to get that line of thought out of your head ASAP if you want a relationship with this girl to go anywhere, it is utterly vital that you keep her experiences with people in your mind at all times, because they will almost certainly be having a serious effect on how she acts, and reacts, to people and social interactions.

If she's not in therapy now, you need to talk to her about getting into therapy sooner rather than later, you also have to be incredibly cautious. Scan your sentences before speaking, look for potential triggers, and avoid them, and above all else do not even think about putting any pressure on her for any form of sexual activity, if anything you should push in the opposite direction and make sure that if you guys are getting down to anything it is not because she feels it is mandatory, or expected, or anything of that nature.

If you're entirely serious about a lasting relationship with this girl, then go ahead.

If you're just looking for someone to fuck for a few months before you move on, then you back the hell off right now, and make it clear to her that it's not her fault.

Essee

Element Brian wrote:

I really feel this desire to keep her clean in that sense and I'm afraid if we did break up then she'd just start hurting herself again.

Don't go down that road. Number one, it doesn't sound like she's looking for someone to keep her clean; she's already taken that step herself by moving out of the bad situation. Number two, it's not anyone else's responsibility to save a person from themselves. If you ever end up feeling like you're the one keeping her clean during this relationship, remember that fact. You can give people advice, but you aren't the one in control of their choices.

Personally, I think the relationship is probably a bit too new for you to be worrying about her maturity and whether things will work out long-term. Just take it easy, learn more about her, and only worry if actual problems start to crop up (drugs in particular, given her history).

Element Brian

Thanks guys, and Ceres. I didn't think about the therapist route, but that does seem like something important. I'm not sure how/if she could afford it right now, she just got a minimum wage job and has little money, her parents don't really support her at all and from what I hear are fairly poor too. I'm still in school so I know that offer free counseling for students like me, but I'm not sure about her. How would I go about suggesting it to her? I understand what you guys said about not pressuring her so I'm wondering what the best way of helping encourage her to see a therapist would be.

As far as sex goes, we're both religious and have talked already about how we want to wait till after marriage, so there isn't really much a problem there, though I'll keep that in mind when we are making out and stuff.

cabsy

Depending on the size of the town or city you live in she should be able to find low cost or no cost mental health services within a reasonable drive. It is absolutely balls to the wall essential she goes into therapy, abuse is no joke and you can't just bootstrap your way through that without some serious repercussions down the line. I'd suggest you go to therapy as well because long term you are 100% guaranteed to do something that is going to trigger her and you're going to need someone to 1: help you realize it isn't your fault that she is sensitive to things other people aren't and 2: how to be sensitive to those things. Because inevitably she is going to be shy at a time when you don't want her to be, and you're going to get annoyed and snippy, and that will 100% make it worse - or any other situation along these lines - a therapist is going to help you see where those problem areas are going to be and how you can react to avoid making her withdraw.

But honest opinion she is 18, she has gone and is still going through some very heavy shit, she is not educated... she needs to get into therapy and get a GED/take GED classes for herself and get her life around before dating anybody. I'd recommend you back off and offer to be her friend and help her get stable and get some therapy and education and see where her life goes from there.

JebusUD

Just because she likes you right away and wants a relationship and has a troubled past shouldn't be a problem unless there are other problems. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth as they say... something like that. Point is, as long as it is working it is working. Some people are just shy. She should adopt a less shy attitude as she gets her shit together and grows as a person. You should support that growth, not pressure and cajole.

ceres

On the age thing, which is a separate issue really, be aware that at 18 years old a person hasn't really grown into themselves yet; she will change. The same is true for someone who is 24, really, and to some degree even people over (gasp) 30. She is probably not who she is going to be and neither are you, except her life is far less together than yours simply because she is 18, before you've even started on any other issues she might have.

What I'm saying is, you're legal and all, so go ahead, but take things really slowly. You know, like maybe wait till next year to propose, sort of thing. Take the time to really get to know each other before you throw yourselves into anything, and do so with the understanding that even a year from now neither of you will be exactly the same as you are right now.

Nylonathetep

The advice that was given so far has been great. I can only add this little piece of advice: "Stop worry about what other people would think" and "Don't try to change the person you love."

Worrying about people's opinion made me regret some decision that I've made in my past... Ofcourse the fact that you are thinking about it means that you do care and it's actually recommend that once in a while you should reflect on where things are going and what needs to be done.. but rarely will you reach the correct decision or even think about the correct issue when you are worried about you are preceieved by other people.

Also the half your age +/- 7 rule is the golden rule.. never forget that.

Esh

Nylonathetep wrote:

The advice that was given so far has been great. I can only add this little piece of advice: "Stop worry about what other people would think" and "Don't try to change the person you love."

Worrying about people's opinion made me regret some decision that I've made in my past... Ofcourse the fact that you are thinking about it means that you do care and it's actually recommend that once in a while you should reflect on where things are going and what needs to be done.. but rarely will you reach the correct decision or even think about the correct issue when you are worried about you are preceieved by other people.

Also the half your age +/- 7 rule is the golden rule.. never forget that.

Half your age PLUS 7. Not minus. Ever. Unless you're looking to end up on To Catch A Predator. ; )

Element Brian

According to the half my age plus 7 rule the youngest girl I can date is 19, and this girl is 18, so I am bypassing that rule, because fuck it I think I'm starting to fall in love with her

RadicalTurnip

That's fine...just don't get married for two more years, and you're golden

Bedlam

Element Brian wrote:

the other day when I introduced her to one of my friends she got nervous again and looked down at the ground instead of looking up at them, and to be honest, it almost felt kind of childish

This isnt childish. Im 28 and have trouble looking directly at new people, hell sometimes I dont like looking directly at people when im trying to think or talk about something important. I have hella anxiety when meeting new people or being in situations Im not comfortable in. (Yes offically diagnosed anxiety/depression thank you) and its been worse this year since Ive not been on meds since losing my job.

If shes been through a lot she probably has some issues beneath the surface that she dosent know about. Hell I think everyone could benefit from some form of couniciling. Otherwise she could just be shy.

Zombie Nirvana

She's shared quite a lot for 2 months in and probably has some pretty serious emotional issues. You should go very slowly and be careful with words like love.

tinwhiskers

I just skimmed, but since this is H/A and no one seems to have said it: Dump her. No particular reasoning.

Tox

Nobody's said it because nobody thinks he should. Mainly because, well, there's no particular reason why he should dump her.

Zombie Nirvana

I think he should but I figured I'd give her the benefit of the doubt.

Tox

Zombie Nirvana wrote:

I think he should but I figured I'd give her the benefit of the doubt.

Can you provide any rational to this opinion? Or is it just how you feel on the matter?

...either is acceptable, I'm just curious if there's any insight you might could share with the OP to help him make his decision.

Zombie Nirvana

Sure, she was abused as a child and still hasn't recovered, which results in the lack of boundaries that she's already displayed in 2 months and the acts of insecurity that he speaks about in the OP. I'm sure she's an okay human being, but she doesn't sound like she's at all centered in herself and is likely not ready for a serious relationship. This guy is talking about things like love, which generally should be reserved for serious relationships. He's taking on the role of white knight and she's quickly becoming an over-infatuated project girl.

Unless he's just looking to fuck someone for a bit, then go ahead. But it's likely this relationship doesn't end up in a healthy place.