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Sticky Situation (girl thread)
Dalboz
Resident Puppy EaterRight behind you...Registered User regular
Resident Puppy EaterRight behind you...Registered User regular
I always figured I could handle this on my own, but now I'm in a really confused state because my heart is telling me one thing while my mind is telling me another. And I've always felt that I had a strong enough sense of honor that I would never have to question my resolve on something like this. For a little background, I met a girl a little while ago at a party, and she gave me her number. Like an idiot, I didn't call for various reason, but mostly because I just didn't have the guts to do it (a whole other problem that this one is making me realize I have to get over; I have a bit of a phobia with phones). She started dating my friend (for the record he used to be a close friend, but not so much lately; we just grew apart over time) instead, but we made contact over the phone again. This is where the situation really begins.
I admitted to her very early on that I did like her and would have asked her out were she not already dating someone, particularly it being my friend, and that it was my own fault because I didn't call her. Our conversations slowly became more and more intimate. And then we met up and slept together. She was saying afterwards that she felt like we had a sexual tension (no kidding) and that if we just did it, it would go away, which doesn't make sense to me, and with our conversations and some of her actions since then I don't think that she believes that either and still feels a strong draw towards me. I told her that I don't regret what we did (and I don't), but that as long as she's with my friend, we probably shouldn't do it again. My friend doesn't know about any of this.
The thing is that I truly have feelings for this girl. I'm not ready to use the "L" word yet, but I want to explore this with her and start a relationship. And I think she has feelings for me too. She's even admitted that she feels a much strong mental connection to me than she does to my friend. I also know that her relationship with my friend is rather rocky, and they are trying to resolve a few things. I feel bad about saying this, but I don't think I want them to resolve it, because I want to be with her. I don't know if I should tell her that I have these feeling for her, and I think she does for me, but she feels confused and maybe a little guilty about it. My head tells me it's wrong, and we should just remain friends and wait and see if they break up, but my heart wants to tell her how I feel, that I want to be with her physically, mentally, and emotionally. Even with this terrible situation, she's the best thing to come into my life in a long time, and not calling her to begin with is feeling like the biggest mistake of my whole life.
I'm not sure what I should do in this situation, and advice is requested.
I admitted to her very early on that I did like her and would have asked her out were she not already dating someone, particularly it being my friend, and that it was my own fault because I didn't call her. Our conversations slowly became more and more intimate. And then we met up and slept together. She was saying afterwards that she felt like we had a sexual tension (no kidding) and that if we just did it, it would go away, which doesn't make sense to me, and with our conversations and some of her actions since then I don't think that she believes that either and still feels a strong draw towards me. I told her that I don't regret what we did (and I don't), but that as long as she's with my friend, we probably shouldn't do it again. My friend doesn't know about any of this.
The thing is that I truly have feelings for this girl. I'm not ready to use the "L" word yet, but I want to explore this with her and start a relationship. And I think she has feelings for me too. She's even admitted that she feels a much strong mental connection to me than she does to my friend. I also know that her relationship with my friend is rather rocky, and they are trying to resolve a few things. I feel bad about saying this, but I don't think I want them to resolve it, because I want to be with her. I don't know if I should tell her that I have these feeling for her, and I think she does for me, but she feels confused and maybe a little guilty about it. My head tells me it's wrong, and we should just remain friends and wait and see if they break up, but my heart wants to tell her how I feel, that I want to be with her physically, mentally, and emotionally. Even with this terrible situation, she's the best thing to come into my life in a long time, and not calling her to begin with is feeling like the biggest mistake of my whole life.
I'm not sure what I should do in this situation, and advice is requested.
Dalboz on
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As far as your friend is concerned, he'll find out eventually, they always do. I've been involved in sitations where I've slept with a friends recent ex, or their girlfriend in their "in shambles" relationship. So, just tell her how you feel, and most likely he'll find out that somethings goin on anyway. Or you could just tell him flat out and risk losing the friend, but thats likely to happen in this situation.
Bottom line, dont hide in the corner and just "wait". You have something goin on with this girl, and you should act now while those feelings are there, and not wait for her to "think" she feels differant, and loses interest.
Hope this helps...
What if it was your back? Wouldn't you think you deserve the respect of knowing outright?
There is also the matter of moral precendent. If you begin a road of moral compromise now, and she is willing to fool around with you while her other relationship is rocky, when your relationship with her gets rocky, you are going to wonder if perhaps she might be fooling around. It all comes back around in the end.
After that? I don't know about the whole 'don't date a friend's ex' thing, but seeing as you're not too close, and since the relationship was rocky anyway, I don't see why you shouldn't pursue a relationship with her after that. Just give some time before you announce it-- not right after they break up, okay?
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If you don't, you're not his friend. And if you carry on behind his back, you don't even care for this girl, because deceit is not what's for the best. I mean, if you can't even respect who she is and who's she's dating, how are you supposed to respect and (possibly) date her?
Own up, man.
Also, do it because sleeping with your friend's girlfriend makes you a prick, and you can lose a lot of friends by being a prick.
You're not out to force the breakup--you're putting things out in the open between you two.
As for how to do it-- well, be honest. Remember not to put the blame on her for your/her feelings, but make it clear that you can't/won't act until she's single. Remember not to do a "Break up with him or else I (can't/won't/etc...)" and allow her to make up her mind freely. Then tell her to be honest with you.
(Also, I'd recommend not using the line that you'll "wait forever" or such. That just seems to lead to disaster. If she keeps you hovering for too long, keeping you as an option without deciding what to do with her relationship, it isn't fair to you.)
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The fact that you're even asking "should I wait til they've broken up before..."
YES
YES YOU SHOULD FUCKING WAIT
MORON
This is truth.
And even if it wasn't your friend, you still shouldn't have. She obviously does not take relationships seriously, and neither do you. Shit, even I had the decency to wait for my current girlfriend to break up with her guy, and he was an asshole to her.
I don't know that telling your friend is the best thing to do, though. It'll likely just do more damage.
Seriously, you should say "Hey, girl, what we did was wrong. I feel horrible towards my friend for it, and while I think you're super-hot and that we really get along, I can't keep doing this with you. If you want to go out with me, you need to break up with him. I'm single so I'm kind of a free-agent here, but you've really got to tell the guy you're not into him. We can't go on dates or hang out until you do."
She may just be horny a lot, or she may simply want to sleep with guys who aren't her boyfriend because she gets off on doing things she knows she's not supposed to. But you should watch yourself if you do end up going out with her. See, if she dumps the guy and goes out with you, what's stopping her from sleeping with the next guy she feels she likes? And then YOU get the talk of how she's "not that into you," and as soon as she says it you'll know she's been fucking a friend behind your back.
Which is why SHE needs to be the one to tell HER boyfriend. If she doesn't, you should. It's called "making up for one's mistakes," the same as if you had borrowed your friend's car and wrapped it around a tree, or wrecked something else that was his.
Dismayed By Humanity Since 1992.
Except she's not the only who fucked up here. He did too - he fucked over his friend and stabbed him in the back. So, yeah, he also has the responsibility to tell his friend what a piece of shit he's been.
Also, there is the fact that horny cheating girlfriends don't make the best girlfriend material. There's also the fact that you don't seem to make the best boyfriend material, either. You don't seem to respect this girl and her situation, you can't understand what's best for her, and you're an all-around asshole fucker who doesn't appreciate that other people have needs outside of your own personal emotional happiness.
So, tell your friend you've been a dick. It's the right thing to do and you fucking know it.
BWAHAHAHAHA
1. You meet girl at party, girl gives you number.
2. You don't call girl, girl eventually hooks up with your (then) friend.
3. You and said friend grow apart. You and (ex)friend's girlfriend talk and become fairly "friendly" over the phone.
4. You and girl sleep together. Girl regrets it, you don't.
5. You now struggle with telling this girl you love her despite the fact that she's with your (ex) friend at the moment.
Does that sum it up? If so, here's my prognosis:
This girl cheated on her boyfriend. I don't care if this cat was your best friend or your worst enemy, she cheated on him with you. That should tell you something about her, namely that her moral fiber is somewhat frail. Do you really want to be involved with someone like that?
Also, tell your (ex) friend. Come clean about it now, because in situations like this it will invariably come out sometime later, and then things will be considerably worse.
As far as this girl goes, if you truly want to be with her, wait until she's single. Better yet, wait until she's been single for a long time so you're not a rebound. Better still, find someone else who isn't willing to hop in the sack with someone she feels she shares 'tension' with while they're involved with someone else.
Finally, never sleep with an involved person again. It's a horrible thing to do to anyone, but issues of morality aside, it can cause some severe problems with the spurned individual. It causes more drama than it's worth.
Seriously, you don't fuck your friend's girl... EVER, unless he okays it. I've okayed such things before because if a girl is gonna be like that, I'd like to know.
With that said, telling your friend now will probably make things worse, but damn it's gonna be hell if he finds out down the road through other means.
Don't date this girl either, if she cheated on one dude, what makes you think she wouldn't do it again to you?
I don't know what to say to this except that I disagree strongly with this advice.
The best thing to do here is come clean. He deserves to know, and you're responsible for telling him.
Obviously something is not working in the relationship, and it is up to the girl to descide what she wants to do about it. I would tell the girl what I felt and make clear nothing further was going to happen before she resolved her situation. As for telling the friend, I guess that depends on how close a friend he is. If it is a (relatively) close friend and you want to keep him as one, you better tell him. Better to hear if from you than someone else. No guarantees that he wont hate you anyway, but if he hears it from someone else... If he is just an aquaintance, might as well keep quiet, then it is between the girl and him.
Just wanted to say that some people here have a very black-and-white view of the world. Like I said, people make mistakes and I think it is best to reserve judgement when not knowing all the details. In my interactions with other people I tend to hold myself to a high standard and be forgiving of others, not the other way around. Enough ranting....
I guess if you want advice on how to go about being that dick, somebody else can give you what you want. If you want advice on how to handle this situation like a responsible adult, here it is: tell your friend you slept with his girlfriend, and move on from there. If you want to pursue this relationship after that, understand the costs and repercussions of what you have done, and know that the chance of your relationship working out in the long term is near zero.
As for an eventual relationship between the op and this girl, it is not certain that it will turn out badly. A girl friend of mine was unfaithfull to her then long-term boyfriend. It turned out badly to say the least, lots of drama when he finally found out. Had she been a stronger person she would have done the right thing and ended the previous relationship before she slept around. But she is still together with the guy she was unfaithfull with, three years later. This girl is not a bad person, I've known her for a long time and consider her one of my closer and more trustworthy friends. The moral of this story is that people do stupid things when feelings are involved, and those stupid things does not with certainty mean that things won't work out better in the future.
(1) Make sure that you want to be with this girl. Stop and think if it's love or lust that has been driving you to think and do the things that you have done.
(2) Be honest and TELL her how you feel and what you think about the situation you're in. You two talk a lot already and (seem to) have open communication. (You've already told her that you like her and would have asked her out if she wasn't with your (ex) friend), but tell her what you want to do now! The worst thing that could happen is that she's not interested in pursuing a relationship with you and remains confused and with your ex-friend.
(3) Her boyfriend deserves to know, regardless. Talk to the girl about this too and decide which of you (or both) is going to tell him. If you don't tell him and end up going out with this girl, you're going to start off on a bad (and dishonest) foot.
(4) Until everything is settled, don't do anything sexual (and try not to say anything too sexual either). Wait until you've had a long talk with this girl, her (ex) boyfriend knows what happened between you two, and she's single (and has been for a while to make sure that these feelings are genuine and real, good point Halfmex!)
(5) Then by the end of all of this, if you both still feel this way, then go ahead and give a relationship a try.
(6) But the main thing is to be assertive with your feelings and not to rush things! Make sure that this is really what you want before going through all the trouble of attaining it.
This girl from the little information we have recieved seems not very committed to relationships if shes sleeping with you while dating him. You also sound very undecisive and hoping that love just falls into your lap (she gave you her number but you were too afraid to call? come on man). Maybe it's best for some counciling all around and no more in out.
pleasepaypreacher.net
For those of you advising him to come clean: what, exactly, do you think that is going to accomplish? Substantively, that is, not the generic "it's the right thing to do." From what I can tell, all it will do is ruin a relationship, and get his friend really pissed off at him.
Better than living a lie
Are you serious?
The relationship is already ruined. His friendship is already ruined. This guy is responsible for both of those things. He already destroyed those things when he slept with his friend's girlfriend. Those things are in the past.
Telling his friend what he did isn't going to end a relationship, it's saving everybody from a world of hurt and deceit and lies and the pain of living in a broken relationship. Eventually the truth would get out, or she would cheat again, or the OP would go be a dickheaded friend again.
Instead of all that, own up to what you did and let the broken things get sorted out. The relationship will get the ax it deserves, the soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend can move on to better girls and better friends, and this guy can get whatever sloppy seconds he wants.
A clean conscience and potentially a clean slate for the op and the girl to begin a relationship on. Plus, if the girl ends up staying with her current boyfriend, then he should know that she cheated on him.
"Slept" with her as in you fucked?
Damn, that's a whole other story. Here I was assuming you slept together (as in went to sleep in the same bed), and then were talking about the sexual tension afterwards. And as silly as that sounds, I know of people who have been in that situation.
Okay, uh, you kinda crossed the line there. And yeah, you fell into that dangerous situation. Don't do it again, and I'd suggest not dating someone who would do something like that, even if she does break up with the guy in the future. And if you do want to take the moral ground, you'd tell him about what you two have done, though that's by no means the easy route.
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Alright, if he wants to take the easiest way out, while heaping all the consequences of his actions on two people he seems to have once cared for, he can cop out and behave like a spoiled, greedy child, taking what he wants and disregarding the consequences. And don't tell anybody you're fucking them over, because ignorance is bliss, right?
Whereas the hard way out is to tell his friend, who he doesn't hang out with that much anyway, probably break him and his girlfriend up, and end up almost certainly dating her, with a clean conscience?
Really, the "selfish, spoiled child" would be the one who dumps a bunch of shit like this on someone just to make himself feel better, and to be able to tell himself he "did the right thing." It's a bunch of feel-good black-and-white honesty-is-always-the-best-policy bullshit.
No, honesty isn't always the best policy, and nothing's black and white. But I'll be damned if I see how lies and secrecy are going to make this situation work out, and how not telling his friend the things he needs to know isn't anything but contemptible.
Also, I think you're overestimating the original poster, Thanatos. This is a guy who fucked his friend's girlfriend and did not look back. He still doesn't regret it. I don't think he's going to be living with any guilt for the rest of his life if he doesn't come forward with it.
That said, if the two break up anyway then I'm not sure he needs to know, assuming the OP doesn't have any STDs(get tested btw). What's telling him going to accomplish other than creating conflict and making him feel shitty? In this case, the fact of the matter is that everybody will be happier if this is kept a secret, especially since the OP doesn't feel any remorse whatsoever.