When stuff gets too intense between parents, brother, and I

MetroidZoid

I just had a 30 minute conversation with my parents about my little brother, who I went and picked up from their house yesterday, because he (and later my mom, verified) said that their fight had gotten physical. To try and make a long story short, my brother has scoliosis, is struggling in school, but otherwise a good kid. No smoking, no violence. There's a history of, frankly verbal abuse between my parents and me, as well as my half-sister, and now him. And it seems to be getting worse. I dropped him off at school this morning, got him permission (I didn't lie to the office personel who I was or anything) to ride a bus home to a friends house, where my ex picked him up and dropped him off at my house.

Now my parents are furious. Whereas last night, when I asked them both about taking Morgan home for the night, dad said 'fine' and mom said 'I don't care anymore'. Multiple times they've threatened to call the cops on him if he ran away. Once he went to a neighbors house to get out, stayed there for the night. I tried to call my parents and make a resolution that he could stay one more night, get to school, and tomorrow we three (minus my little brother) could talk about this situation. But the phone call escalated and twice edged on my dad 'coming to get him'. I don't know what to do. I mentioned multiple times being concerned for him, and by the end of the conversation saying "I don't want to go through this route, but if I'm concerned for his safety I will go through the school and the police". Now I'm pretty much disconnected from the family, as my mom puts it, and my brother 'has been lieing and manipulating me from the get go'. Which I might be inclined to believe, if this didn't line up with exactly how mine and my sister's childhood went.

I don't know where to go from here. I don't have any money to lawyer up, I can't even work my work schedule around to get him too and from school. My house is in town, but his high school (he's 16, btw) is rural and 20 minutes out, and on another bus route. I'm scared. Does anyone know what I can do?

JebusUD

My parents were exactly this way. Probably worse, my parents used to smack me around. Probably the best he can do is keep his head down and put up with it until he is 18. Then promptly move the hell out as fast as possible. I suppose he could try to get emancipated from your parents, but I don't know how that works and I don't know if they would even do it, since this kind of thing is bad, but really on the light side of the kind of abuse some kids get.

I suppose he could stay with you and you would have to figure out some kind of accommodation for getting him to school. I mean, I don't think they could get the police to come make a 16 year old stay at his parents when he doesn't want to, especially if he is telling the police the parents are abusive.

You could talk to family services, then they will send out an investigator, which might scare your parents into never doing it again.

Blake T

Well best case, realistic scenario, what what would your ideal outcome here be.

MetroidZoid

I'm talking to my sister right now, and we're both agreeing that any more involvement with me could involve the police in a bad way, and no one wants that. At least on our side. So I'm getting him to school tomorrow, and he's going home on his normal bus and I'll get off work early to hopefully talk to my parents then. I'm scared about it, but at this point I think if there's any more escalation that's not huge (eg a beating), he's going to have to be active with a school counselor or something. I'm also going to talk to the counselor tomorrow, get them introduced to eachother and the basic problem. Maybe.

Julius

JebusUD wrote:

You could talk to family services, then they will send out an investigator, which might scare your parents into never doing it again.

This first. Find out the proper channels to at least temporarily deal with it. There are some posters here who could probably help you with that.

Well, first have a talk with your parents before that. Try to cool things down a bit if you can.

MetroidZoid

I really can't believe this is all happening.

So after talking to my brother, we've agreed that if there's any more involvement like the last two nights, it will probably result in my parents involving law enforcement or the proper authorities, which is something we want to avoid. We want to settle things between our family as much as possible, even if that feels like an improbable thing. Secondly, I told him he can still call me whenever he needs to talk, I will always make sure there is a line between us, so if my parents take his phone I will buy him a track phone, etc. Third, we're going in together tomorrow morning to talk to a school counselor, open up a conversation about everything that's happened, but not necessarily going in and playing the 'abused child' card. We just want to set a basis so if anything ever escalates, he has an outlet readily available at school and, God forbid, if something really bad happened the school has a record. I can't say 100% it would never go there, I mostly hope it never does. I'm also encouraging him to check in with his counselor weekly or bimonthly or so, just to keep a conversation going. All the better that an third party gets involved, I think. Because my mom is not sane at this point. She paints my brother as physically combative, manipulative, unruly, rioting, conning, etc. This is the nicest, meekest kid I've ever known. And all the stuff he's going through is third time through for our family. I feel so bad for him.

As much as we can, we're going to struggle through these next two years, possibly work on getting him lined up for a drivers license (something my parents cannot take from him), and once he's 18 I've promised to be there for him and I mean it.

Blake T

MetroidZoid wrote:

I'm talking to my sister right now, and we're both agreeing that any more involvement with me could involve the police in a bad way, and no one wants that. At least on our side. So I'm getting him to school tomorrow, and he's going home on his normal bus and I'll get off work early to hopefully talk to my parents then. I'm scared about it, but at this point I think if there's any more escalation that's not huge (eg a beating), he's going to have to be active with a school counselor or something. I'm also going to talk to the counselor tomorrow, get them introduced to eachother and the basic problem. Maybe.

I think you've got it pretty much locked down. The only thing you need us some confidence when it comes to dealing with your parents.

Plan what you want to say ahead of time and don't lose your temper (they probably will). You will do fine. You are an adult now and don't need to be afraid of them.

MetroidZoid

Thanks Blake, and the rest of you guys. Tomorrow's gonna be interesting, that's for sure. I'll update you guys on where it goes from here after that

Xaquin

Sounds like he's got a great brother

ceres

Good luck; I know you'll let us know.

Siska

Tell him he only has to put up with this for 2 more years. And it will go by faster than he thinks. If they beat him so bad it leaves big bruises or breaks skin, call the cops or social services.

WildEEP

I'm going to go on a limb here and say that you should already have alerted the authorities. Hoping that they'll settle in the family isn't realistic. If your family was capable of that, the situation would be as it is. There is no way out without 3rd party involvement... there's nothing acting against the inertia that is already sending this situation downhill.
You sort of allude to it...face it...everyone is just waiting for it to get worse.

Its important to involve others BEFORE it gets worse, because when it gets worse, things can happen that nobody gets to take back.

MetroidZoid

As of tonight, my brother is back home, and my parents are refusing to talk to me about anything that transcribed last night.

We had an impromtu meeting with a school counselor today, who offered to see if there was a way my brother could have a weekly session with a student psychiatrist who makes weekly visits to the three-school district. Idealy, my parents wouldn't even need to know. And at this point, even if they try to cut me out of his life by removing his phone, or if I give him a track phone for emergencies, removing that, I can still send him letters through school and/or friends. The only way they can get him to stop from communicating with me is to file a restraining order, and there's no way they could do that without bringing all this to the light of the courts.

It's all about control for them. And last night I took that control from them, and they lost their shit.