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Potential relationship - or just friends
carl_rogers
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Long story short, i've known this girl for about a year. We are in the same course at college (though shes a year above me). We've been good friends at school and the last 6 or so months we've been hanging out quite a lot on campus and recently, local shopping malls. The last month, i've felt there has been something more there than 'just friends'. She seems to go out of her way to have coffee, lunch and catchup on her days off study and work.
I want to suss out if there is a possibility of this becoming a 'relationship' or if we are just really good friends who enjoy eathothers company. i dont want to force anything, but at the same time, when i feel i'm getting 'hints' (alot of touching, random hugs, texts etc) i don't want to seem dis-interested.
We always hang out together - never in groups.
It's semester break now and this week we will be meeting up to go to the harbour and look at the local markets and grab lunch. What are some good ways to suss out whether this is purely friendship, or a little more?
Im thinking invite to my house for dinner is obvious enough, but thinking that may be better asked later on.
I want to suss out if there is a possibility of this becoming a 'relationship' or if we are just really good friends who enjoy eathothers company. i dont want to force anything, but at the same time, when i feel i'm getting 'hints' (alot of touching, random hugs, texts etc) i don't want to seem dis-interested.
We always hang out together - never in groups.
It's semester break now and this week we will be meeting up to go to the harbour and look at the local markets and grab lunch. What are some good ways to suss out whether this is purely friendship, or a little more?
Im thinking invite to my house for dinner is obvious enough, but thinking that may be better asked later on.
carl_rogers on
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"Would you like to go on date with me?"
Simple and would tell you everything you want to know.
I usually find it pretty obvious when something is going on, but I've got a few years experience in these kinda things. You could just say something, but it may be awkward and also possibly screw things up between you. Usually these things just kinda "happen". There's not a great surefire to find out outside of just asking.
My first instinct would be to try to invite her to a semi-formal event, like the kind of thing someone is expected to bring a date to. Like a holiday party of some kind. That may seem underhanded to some, though.
I don't know, I want to say just straight up ask her, but she may say no, and things may get weird.
In that instance, the guy in question decided to be direct and ask her out. In his update, he said she responded positively and they were going to date. Horay!
I'll mirror what I said there: In my experience, you don't want this to fester if you're having feelings for her. If you want to date, make it clear. You seem to know her well, and how to talk to her, so while it will take a bit of guts, you'll know what to say.
Warframe: TheBaconDwarf
Hehe. So true.
I'm sure we'll get some more information, but from the sounds of things, they've been quite friendly and he wants to take it to the next level.
Warframe: TheBaconDwarf
This is great advice. Unlike a lot of these threads, it sounds like she's never told you she isn't interested in you romantically, so Tox's advice here is perfect.
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Update
Meet up this week is off as she has to work, so we are meeting up mid next week as we both have a day off work.
After reading though Esh's post, i was thinking it may be a good idea to let it happen naturally - but the problem is, I think the wait will drive me insane. But I think the week away will give me a good chance to really consider the options.
Next week, I think I will play it based on my gut feeling. I think I may have to come right out and be totally honest.
I really appreciate the advice. I know this post is all round in circles but your comments really help me to see it from a range of views.
The wait will not "drive you insane". Don't make such a production of it and you'll be fine.
If my interpretation of 'signals' are what i think they are, I need to let her know im interested. If i have misinterpreted it, well, at least i'll be able to move on.
ill see how it goes
As far as I see it...If he has feelings for her, he won't be happy if he never says anything for fear of messing things up. I have done exactly that in the past. I just recently got a 2nd chance with the same girl and just outright told her how I felt. But I completely get the reason you would suggest this.
Office Space gives the best advice. It goes just like turk said.
As long as you make no an okay answer then there shouldn't be any problems. Then don't ask again.
but they're listening to every word I say
And at the risk of sounding like a damn-dirty new age hippy, no matter what have fun with this! Finding someone cool is all sorts of good feelings even if it does not go well, keep on the positive side of all of it!
And of course, tell us all how it went! Because we are on the internet, where voyeurism is a-ok.
So I asked - and I got a kinda unexpected response.
Basically - she said she really likes me and hanging out with me, and i'm a really good friend - but she can't commit to anything more. she said she has a lot on her mind at the moment - with working, beginning study this year, taking care of her mum etc. (she comes from a dysfunctional family - divorced parents, mum working two jobs, renting)
At first i thought 'cliche' response - but we talked about it for an hour and everything was cool - no awkwardness. She also said she was sort of expecting me to ask for a few months - so i guess i didnt freak her out then.
Im just a bit confused - there was definately no 'YES' but there wasn't quite a simple 'NO'. Also a little confused because she wants to catch up next week. Which is good, but again confusing as hell. Maybe she really does like me, but honestly cant commit to anything more.
Maybe I will put this down to a "ive found a really good friend who is super awesome and fun to hang out with". I guess it could have ended 10x worse.
Maybe in the future she will bring it up again, but if I were you I would put any romantic notions out of my mind forever and enjoy a fantastic friendship.
Find someone else.
It's kind of funny ... if you're really friends with the girl, the dynamic survives asking the "should we date" question. If you're trying to date her by hanging around her and waiting for her to ask because you're too timid or you know subconsciously it ain't gonna happen but you really like her (aka "Letting it happen naturally") it just leads to more bitterness.
The other thing is that once it's asked and done, you can move the fuck on to other girls (who are also probably pretty neat). The longer the time bomb ticks with the friend, the more damage it does to the friendship and the harder it is to grow a spine and say what you feel.
Communication is AWESOME.
There is one way to enjoy life around the sex you prefer: Communicate with them directly, confidently, and politely. All else is folly.
If you like a single girl, tell her. Nobody on their deathbed ever said, "I told too many girls how I felt about them"
Corollary: Most people go through an extremely boorish period at about 27 when they first figure this out. Try to be cool when you are 27.
I host a podcast about movies.
No for relationship
No for friends with benefits
No for anything other than friends.
Is she your friend? then awesome, friend! Never sexual, never relationshipy, now you know at least one girl that is friend and nothing else. You can ask her "girl" questions, she can ask you "boy" questions, maybe some making out every once in a while, yay nothing but friendship.
But here's the danger: Don't think you're getting any.
Don't think this is an eventual yes.
Don't think you have an in ever.
Don't think "If she's drunk enough" or "When she's in a better place" or "In a few months"
If you actually want to be her friend? Fantabulous. If you think anything, ever, will happen? Give it up. It was a NO. It was a strong NO. NO NO NO NO NO.
She gave you a no. I don't care what answers she gave as to why, she gave you a no. You will notice a yes. It will hit you in the face. That was not it.
EDIT: Also, what the above mentioned. I have female friends. And I've had the female friends I thought I was getting some from but weren't actually friends. I got plenty of action, but my biggest regret, now that I'm in a super, super, super-stable realtionship, is that when I was younger I didn't just fucking ask girls to go out, or how they felt about me. It's never a problem. At best, I made things super awkward by pussyfooting around the issue instead of addressing it, clearly having intentions but refusing to speak on them. That just tarnished things. If she gave you a No, she gave you a No. There are other girls. If you feel anything about them, ASK THEM THE FUCK OUT. Please do it. For younger, could've been getting laid even more, me.
Just don't let it turn into one of those weird relationships where either of you get jealous about the other going out with someone else. A friend should want you to be happy, end of story.
Edit: That whole "I can't commit right now" seems so innocuous, but I promise the moment she ends up in a relationship with someone else you are going to be seeing red. This is why you need to just let it go. She will end up in a relationship, and all indicates seem to show it won't be with you. And that isn't because there is anything wrong with you... attraction is a strange thing... but the sooner you let it go the better off you will be.
So you think maybe she's telling the truth?
Let it go for right now and just enjoy her company. Maybe things will develop later, maybe not, but dwelling on it is certainly going to make things worse for you.
If you want to simplify the terrible complexities of interpersonal relationships, then there is another answer beside "Yes" or "No" and that's "Other". You can interpret this as "maybe" or "later" or "I don't fucking know, but I know I don't want to get involved in anything right now". The problem is if you interpret this as "not right now, but maybe later" you are likely to proceed down a path that results in you butthurt and not friends with this person. So treat it like a definite "no" and just enjoy hanging out with a friend. Friends like to catch up, that's normal.
Edit: As a side note, some people just can't say "no" to people so the "I like you, but cannot commit to anything right now" is the clearest way they can say "no, not going to happen".
But hey, if you really do enjoy her company as just a friend, no reason to drop that. But the train to relationship town just departed. She missed out.
It sounds to me like she found a guy she likes, but doesn't want a relationship right now. You're not a canned good to be put away somewhere in case she finally comes around/loses interest in other avenues she might be pursuing/interested in.
What I'm trying to say is, don't be one of those guys who spends all his time with a girl he secretly wants to be with, even though she's not interested.
Alternatively he's the one that put her on the spot. Her response was actually quite understandable, and it's pretty misogynistic to expect her to be entirely honest with him. Especially considering that you're not criticizing him for being dishonest with her until he finally asked her out. She has every right to play things close to the vest and is in no way required to justify her unwillingness to date him. If she does end up dating someone a week later, that's perfectly fine for her to do. The suggestion that she's being a lying bitch about this is so god damn juvenile.
Carl, at least you came clean with her. If you want to stay friends with her, fine. Just don't do so under the false pretense of being her friend when really you're just continuing to hope to bed her. That's a disservice to both of you. Like others have said, just move on.
He was being dishonest? He "came clean?"
How so? Was he supposed to tell her the second he thought he might have feelings for her other than friendship?]
"Hey, I know we've only hung out once or twice, but I think at some point I might have feelings for you other than just friendship. Be prepared."
He hung out with her, grew feelings, and eventually asked her out. There was nothing "dishonest" here.
I wasn't assigning blame. I know it's probably incredibly hard for girls in this situation. But effective communication is everyone's responsibility, and rather then prolong this for the rest of the OP's life she could have just said "I don't see you that way, we are just friends and that's all we will ever be." It may be difficult, but it's ALWAYS better in the long run. And there is never an excuse for poor communication.
I mean, come on, look at this phrase , tell me that isnt crazy. Its "misogynistic" to expect honesty? Its completely understandable WHY she put it like she did. But it certainly doesn't help matters and its not wrong to wish for or expect better.
For the OP. Either way, you should move on and not really focus on her. Everyone in these forums says guys and girls can be friends without issue. Which is probably true. But the caveat is when one already has an interest or desire for more. I do not think its easy or good for a guy who wants MORE then friendship from a girl to try to be friends with that girl. Maybe once you've moved on and have someone else. But until then, you will always want more then friendship with her and that will make the friendship horrible for both of you.
Men usually do 'listen', we just tend to take things people say at face-value. If a woman says "I'm not ready for a relationship", guys take that to actually mean that the girl's not ready for a relationship, and that they shouldn't pursue her.
How in this particular case does an indirect response make the Op less likely to turn into a rapist or stalker?
But to the OP: I agree with everybody that said you need to move on. She was polite, but she's not interested. In fact, you said she saw this coming from months away... and still shot you down. But it's okay. Now you can focus your attention on somebody that will find you as charming as you find them.
Warframe: TheBaconDwarf
It sounds like she needs time to figure things out for herself right now. It's nothing you did wrong at all, it's just that people need to be right with themselves before they can move-on to thinking about and sharing things healthily with other people.
In the meantime, it's wise to keep yourself open to the idea of meeting new people and the prospect of good things happening there. This is not to say you two won't reunite well romantically in the future. I'm just pointing out that life is short. When life closes one door, try another. Whether it takes you someplace new or on a long road to that other room behind the first door, it's exciting.
Wait what? She doesn't owe him anything, she can say whatever she wants, but if she doesn't want this coming up every year then she should have been unequivocal. It is not her responsibility to guide the OP through the subtle complexities of male/female interactions, but at the same time women can just say "oh, I'm just to busy to be with anyone right now" and then act surprised that the guy they said that to didn't immediately put their torch out. If he had the balls to be honest with her about his feelings, rather then hiding them and undermining every relationship she tried to have under the guise of friendship, it is not unreasonable to expect that same level of honest from her, no matter how uncomfortable it might have made her.
And I would argue the ambiguitiy of the response would make a guy (NOT the OP but some other guy) more likely to be more aggressive in their pursuit, not less... although I would hope by this level of their friendship the girl would have at least an inkling of whether a simple polite rejection would turn the guy into a stalker/rapist... I'm not exactly sure where on a given continuum this hypothetical person you invented falls... the one where, when they are clearly rejected by a friend they immediately start salivating and getting out their rape kit.