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Too late to 'fix' my brother?
Dark Raven X
Laugh hard, run fast,be kindRegistered User regular
Laugh hard, run fast,be kindRegistered User regular
I know every mischievous rascal gets labelled a criminal in the making, so I'm not gonna try and oversell this, but; my kid brother has problems.
He and my mom have been living at my place over Xmas, so I've had more time to spend with him and see what's up and it isn't good. Here's a little backstory;
But eh, forget her problems, we're here for the brother. I am worried that as he's 5 now, and able to remember stuff, there's no way to adjust him properly. Here's a little summary of his behavior;
- When he was 2, we would bang his head against the wall or floor whenever he was frustrated. He has mostly grown out of this, but I have noticed him 'playfully' doing it whenever he gets pissed off.
- If I call him out on something he does, he will flip the fuck out. Example; he snatches something, I say "Hey. Say please." he will start screaming. Not moaning or whining, I mean he will make a sound like I just stabbed him or something.
- He deliberately picks fights and attempts to annoy people whenever I am not around. If I leave the room for a minute, he'll start doing some stupid shit like climbing all over my mom or throwing things around. This is cause if he pulls this stuff when I'm there, I will pick him up and put him in his bed. I am worried that any discipline I'm using on him is worthless whenever I am not around.
- He is very non communicative. If I try and ask him something and he just doesn't feel like talking, he'll turn his head away and make some noise. If I persist in trying to talk, he will start screaming.
- He doesn't get boundaries at all. He will get all up in your face waving something, and no matter how you phrase "back up dude" it doesn't get through. Saying 'no' or 'stop' is useless, he will continue doing whatever it is he feels like until I grab him and pull him away from it.
- He's very violent. If he gets something he can use to hurt someone, he'll use it. IE; drumstick. He won't use it to hit my drumkit. He'll use it to hit anything else, including people. He will wander up to you all playfully, say "guess what?" and punch you without warning.
Now, here's the attempted solutions so far. My eldest sister is a social worker in training now, and she is trying the soft talky approach. Talking things through with him and encouraging good behavior. Of course, to the outside observer, it appears to be doing exactly nothing since she's actually talking at him and he's saying what she wants to hear back. He visited a therapist randomly a couple of times, no real consistency to it.
My approach is to match him shout for shout and forcibly isolate him whenever he's a dick, to try and discourage bad behavior. Thing is, since I stopped taking my anti depressants, I have been getting frustrated and angrier with things much more easily, and I am worried I over react to him now, or rather; since I'm less enthused with life in general, I am having an extremely hard time seeing him as anything other than an annoyance. I can not genuinely say I enjoy any time I spend with him.
I don't know if he's gonna be up here much longer, and there is a strong temptation to just declare 'fuck it, not my problem!' and forget all about it, but he's gonna be growing up soon enough - and as he is now, he's gonna be a terrible person I wouldn't wish on anyone. I feel responsible for him, obviously. But I don't know what I'm doing. I need advise people!
He and my mom have been living at my place over Xmas, so I've had more time to spend with him and see what's up and it isn't good. Here's a little backstory;
Mom met a new guy, an asshole police officer, got pregnant and married. Baby was my brother! 
When I say asshole, I mean it. This guy was a real abusive dick. Now, I was a non confrontational squishy wimp of a 17 year old when things started getting bad, so I couldn't stand up to this guy. I got kicked out when my brother was born, leaving mom, baby bro and 2 sisters with this guy. They spent 3 years together, the guy became physically abusive, they finally got evidence on him and reported him to the police and got him out of the house. Brother was 3 when we got rid of his dad, but...
Things have not really improved for his home situation. My mom moved down south to avoid his dad; my eldest sister left too and stayed up near me. So baby bro now lives with mom and a tweenage sister, currently going through her rebellious bitch phase. From what I've seen of them during visits, they argue all the time. They're incapable of talking apart from shouting at each other. Latest incident is that while he and mom are up with me, sister has had a ragin' party, destroyed the house and had some local girl chained naked out in the garden. Good goin' sis!
When I say asshole, I mean it. This guy was a real abusive dick. Now, I was a non confrontational squishy wimp of a 17 year old when things started getting bad, so I couldn't stand up to this guy. I got kicked out when my brother was born, leaving mom, baby bro and 2 sisters with this guy. They spent 3 years together, the guy became physically abusive, they finally got evidence on him and reported him to the police and got him out of the house. Brother was 3 when we got rid of his dad, but...Things have not really improved for his home situation. My mom moved down south to avoid his dad; my eldest sister left too and stayed up near me. So baby bro now lives with mom and a tweenage sister, currently going through her rebellious bitch phase. From what I've seen of them during visits, they argue all the time. They're incapable of talking apart from shouting at each other. Latest incident is that while he and mom are up with me, sister has had a ragin' party, destroyed the house and had some local girl chained naked out in the garden. Good goin' sis!
But eh, forget her problems, we're here for the brother. I am worried that as he's 5 now, and able to remember stuff, there's no way to adjust him properly. Here's a little summary of his behavior;
- When he was 2, we would bang his head against the wall or floor whenever he was frustrated. He has mostly grown out of this, but I have noticed him 'playfully' doing it whenever he gets pissed off.
- If I call him out on something he does, he will flip the fuck out. Example; he snatches something, I say "Hey. Say please." he will start screaming. Not moaning or whining, I mean he will make a sound like I just stabbed him or something.
- He deliberately picks fights and attempts to annoy people whenever I am not around. If I leave the room for a minute, he'll start doing some stupid shit like climbing all over my mom or throwing things around. This is cause if he pulls this stuff when I'm there, I will pick him up and put him in his bed. I am worried that any discipline I'm using on him is worthless whenever I am not around.
- He is very non communicative. If I try and ask him something and he just doesn't feel like talking, he'll turn his head away and make some noise. If I persist in trying to talk, he will start screaming.
- He doesn't get boundaries at all. He will get all up in your face waving something, and no matter how you phrase "back up dude" it doesn't get through. Saying 'no' or 'stop' is useless, he will continue doing whatever it is he feels like until I grab him and pull him away from it.
- He's very violent. If he gets something he can use to hurt someone, he'll use it. IE; drumstick. He won't use it to hit my drumkit. He'll use it to hit anything else, including people. He will wander up to you all playfully, say "guess what?" and punch you without warning.
Now, here's the attempted solutions so far. My eldest sister is a social worker in training now, and she is trying the soft talky approach. Talking things through with him and encouraging good behavior. Of course, to the outside observer, it appears to be doing exactly nothing since she's actually talking at him and he's saying what she wants to hear back. He visited a therapist randomly a couple of times, no real consistency to it.
My approach is to match him shout for shout and forcibly isolate him whenever he's a dick, to try and discourage bad behavior. Thing is, since I stopped taking my anti depressants, I have been getting frustrated and angrier with things much more easily, and I am worried I over react to him now, or rather; since I'm less enthused with life in general, I am having an extremely hard time seeing him as anything other than an annoyance. I can not genuinely say I enjoy any time I spend with him.
I don't know if he's gonna be up here much longer, and there is a strong temptation to just declare 'fuck it, not my problem!' and forget all about it, but he's gonna be growing up soon enough - and as he is now, he's gonna be a terrible person I wouldn't wish on anyone. I feel responsible for him, obviously. But I don't know what I'm doing. I need advise people!
Oh brilliant
Dark Raven X on
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I'm going to warn you off from the line of thinking that you need to fix "this one" because the others are all fucked.
That kind of mentality is going to ruin the kids life - he will forever pay for other peoples mistakes. DONT DO THIS.
While it may not be your responsibility - its nice of you to want to help.
But you're gonna have to lose the "fix him" mentality...you should really discuss the problems with the primary care giver because thats when this is going to matter. Him seeing you once ever X period of times isnt going to impact his behavior in a consistent fashion. You'll just wind up being the "rule guy" and visits to your place will just be visiting "rule land".
Consistency here is going to be key! Whatever approach one caregiver is trying must be emulated by all other care givers for it to have an impact. This little dudes life is going to be based on what he experiences every day. It takes time, but ultimately, bad actions get bad results, so he'll figure out the good actions, because he'll want the good result. If you guys flip-flop on him, he won't know what to make of it, so it often gets disregarded.
Finally, if you find yourself getting emotionally fried over the whole thing - why in the hell did you stop taking your meds? If all it takes is one 5-year-old to put you at the edge, you are not ready for cold turkey. Go back to the doctor.
If all the caregivers, adults, people older and taking care of him etc. don't provide a unified front I'm pretty sure it'll all be a waste of time.
When my Dad remarried his wife had 3 kids, 2 were teenaged or older and both parents provided a unified, "Fuck off and we'll ground the fuck out of you. Be a dickhead and we'll bury you in chores until you die." Both rebelled as teens do, but both established a strong work ethic and now both have their own houses, real jobs, their own families. They turned out pretty solid. The youngest, however, always was babied by his mother. He was ~6-7 when my Dad came into the picture, and hadn't had a father figure for ~4-5 years. He acted crazy as shit, never listened, no work ethic, talked back, didn't care about anything. He got the same treatment as his older brothers, and whenever his mother would unify with my dad there'd be a period of good grades in school, sanity at home, etc. When his mother would cave and give him some slack his grades would slip, he'd end up ignoring rules, being an obnoxious little dick, etc. Now he's 19, has no job, drifts home to home because his brothers/my dad (Divorced his mother, a lot because of the tension created when the two older brothers left and she wouldn't help him reign in the youngest) refuse to support his broke ass, and his biological parents can't afford to support him.
That's not to say that you should use the same method to raise him, because I have no idea what would work best on him. I'm just saying, whatever his caregivers decide, you all need to be in on it together and across the board for everyone. That means your mother, your older sister, etc.
I agree that now is the time to get started on it. It's a lot easier to keep children in line as they grow up if they have an idea of what discipline is from a young age.
If you're really frustrated with the situation you could file a report with child protective services as well.
Either way, this is more than you're likely qualified to handle or honestly should be expected to handle. Get some professionals involved ASAP.
Im sorry, but what the fuck?
I know it may not help, but some people DO grow out of it.
My brother was a problem kid. Youngest of 3 of us.
Didn't do well in school. Got in trouble and not great grades.
Went to a therapist for a while, as well as an after-school school to help him keep up, etc.
This all progressed until he was ~16 or so and really showed an interest in flying.
My parents decided to pay for a few lessons.
Suddenly he has done a complete 180.
He was getting A's and B's in school.
He ended up graduating HS and doing very well at Embry-Riddle and became an Air Traffic Controller.
He also has a lot of interest in investments and finance and does really well at that on the side.
I know that doesn't help you now and I certainly think steps to fix it would be good, but if they don't seem to work, don't lose all hope.
He could turn out fine.
This.
Seriously, everything you listed in those bullet points are the most classic signs of autism spectrum disorders. Of course, it may not be, and it's just that your brother is badly behaved - but the sooner you get it checked the sooner you'll know for sure and can start dealing with it, because if it's autism you're going to have to take a very different approach to dealing with his behaviour than if he's just being a little monster.
I also agree with this. I was thinking the exact same thing while reading the OP.
Going to go ahead and agree with this again. I was reading the OP and going to post it but someone beat me to it.
Agree with the isolation and punishment, don't necessarily agree with the shouting back. It might teach him that 'this is how annoying you are' but most likely will instead teach 'shouting is a thing we do, let's get our yell on.'
As many posters above have mentioned, he might be autistic. In which case, how you handle his behavior might have to be different.
Apparently I need to go to more parties.
I know it's offtopic, but sounds like your sister may need some help too. . .
...How well do you remember any of your siblings/any friends of the family/other kids being 5?
5 year olds generally aren't known for their high levels of self-control or their communication skills. They are known for being annoying as fuck to most adults (people that work with that age group frequently find it amusing, but not the average adult). I have no idea if you know this and are asking this because he is doing all this to extremes or if you just aren't used to the fact that 5 year olds can act like adults one minute and melt down like a toddler the next. Having him seen and evaluated by a professional isn't a bad suggestion, they should be able to give you guys/your mother some suggestions for parenting techniques that will help him.
There is a strong likelihood that you screaming at him is just teaching him that screaming is the right response to being annoyed with someone. I strongly recommend that you model the kind of reactions to frustration and anger that you would like him to have. It won't change anything overnight, but it does help in the long run.
Echoing all of these people. Everything you described are classic signs of autism.
Unfortunately, unless you're willing to take over the job of rearing this child full time, you simply cannot do a thing to help. Nothing. You can't make your mom raise him differently than she is, you can't change your sister's behavior or fix how she's undermining the household with her behavior, and you definitely cannot impose a consistent regime on a family you don't even live with.
There are a lot of things you could do in the long run, but you aren't in the long run. You aren't even in the game, man. You're a commentator, and unless the coach takes your advice to heart there's nothing you can do. I'm sorry... it's a terrible situation to watch your team lose its ass while you sit helpless in the press box, but it is what it is.
I would also say that 'matching him shout for shout' sounds like a counter productive approach. If he wants to scream then end the conversation and isolate until he wants to talk normally, but shouting back just reinforces that shouting is the thing we do.