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My girlfriends mom found out

molson94molson94 Registered User regular
edited January 2012 in Help / Advice Forum
So my girlfriends mom found out that i sneak over to her house after school. Ive been doing it for about a year and a half now. Her mom just found out tonight and I think my girlfriend is getting in deep right now. What should i do?

molson94 on

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    EshEsh Tending bar. FFXIV. Motorcycles. Portland, ORRegistered User regular
    Stop sneaking over to her house after school?

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    molson94molson94 Registered User regular
    Well obviously. But what should i do about the situation currently?

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    ShakShak Registered User new member
    Talk to the mom so it's not sneaking?

    Why do you even have to sneak in the first place?

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    molson94molson94 Registered User regular
    Yea I would but her mom is very strict. Her dad is even there most of the time and she still trips out about it.

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    admanbadmanb unionize your workplace Seattle, WARegistered User regular
    edited January 2012
    Nothing? I'm assuming you and/or your girlfriend are under 18, so you're pretty much at her mercy.

    I'm assuming her mother isn't abusive or anything like that.

    (edit: yeah you're pretty much hopeless. Probably the best thing you could do is start hanging out with her family more and try to make a good impression.)

    As for what you should do at this very moment: not a goddamn thing. This is about your girlfriend's relationship with her parents and has nothing to do with you.

    admanb on
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    MegaMan001MegaMan001 CRNA Rochester, MNRegistered User regular
    I'm going to preface my advice with a story.

    I was dating a girl in high school. Thought I loved her. We 'firsted' everything together. Two years into the relationship she is a senior in high school and I was a freshman in college. She came over (skipping class to do so) and we were hanging out (read: having sex). While there, her mother called me and she asked me where Elizabeth was. I said, truthfully, she was with me. She told me to bring Elizabeth home.

    So, I did. Sitting in the driveway I told Elizabeth I was pretty sure how this was going to go down. I told her I wanted to man up. Go into that house, face the music, tell her parents whatever they wanted to know and stand by our relationship.

    Her mother had raided Elizabeth's room. Read her diary (where, of course, Elizabeth had dutifully detailed every one of our amorous encounters and literally, lost her mind.

    I'll bore you the details, but the fallout was life-shattering. We ended up breaking up about 2 months later, and in my old age of 27, realizing that it was high school (puppy) love was really helpful.

    Anyway. I am guessing this is another high-school problem. When you say 'sneaking over' I hear 'physical activity'. So you have a choice. You stand up for your relationship and what you are doing and talk to her parents openly and honestly about how you feel about her daughter and why you felt the need to sneak around. Of course, I have no idea how you defend your relationship with their daughter while you've been simultaneously breaking their rules.

    Or you don't do anything if the relationship isn't worth while. Let it pan out and let her parents hate / distrust you.

    The real question you have to ask yourself is whether or not you see a future in the relationship.

    I am in the business of saving lives.
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    molson94molson94 Registered User regular
    oh they already like me as much as they possibly can

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    molson94molson94 Registered User regular
    No no no. Were not always doing physical stuff, not saying we dont, just saying not most of the time.

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    ThanatosThanatos Registered User regular
    Lay low and keep your head down for a week or two, be understanding if she can't hang out much, then start acting like everything is back to normal.

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    EshEsh Tending bar. FFXIV. Motorcycles. Portland, ORRegistered User regular
    You wait to see what she says the fallout of your little rendezvous' are. Go from there.

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    Skoal CatSkoal Cat Registered User regular
    Why do you have to sneak over if they like you?

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    RuckusRuckus Registered User regular
    Skoal Cat wrote:
    Why do you have to sneak over if they like you?

    He said "Like me as much as they possibly can" which doesn't really indicate that they like him at all.

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    DemerdarDemerdar Registered User regular
    I'm having a hard time believing the OP is genuine.

    y6GGs3o.gif
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    Eat it You Nasty Pig.Eat it You Nasty Pig. tell homeland security 'we are the bomb'Registered User regular
    you should do nothing

    talk to your girl, see how she wants to proceed

    NREqxl5.jpg
    it was the smallest on the list but
    Pluto was a planet and I'll never forget
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    FiggyFiggy Fighter of the night man Champion of the sunRegistered User regular
    My "highschool sweetheart"'s Mom haaated me when we first started dated. Hated.

    It wasn't so much me than it was the idea her daughter was dating. I just acted respectfully, tried to minimize any moments like the ones you are in a pickle for, and 10 years later we're married.

    The daughter and I. I did not marry the Mom. She likes me now, though!

    My point is that you just need to be respectful, shatter the notion that she may have that all young men are punks and are going to be bad for her daughter.

    Try to weasel your way over there one night for dinner, if you don't already. Help set the table. When dinner is over, get up and help clear the table. Etc.

    Just be a respectable guy and she will eventually be comfortable with you spending time alone with her daughter.

    XBL : Figment3 · SteamID : Figment
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    JebusUDJebusUD Adventure! Candy IslandRegistered User regular
    If you would tell us how old you are that would greatly affect the nature of advice we might give.

    The short of it is like figgy said though. Stop "sneaking" around. If you are upfront and respectful, and not over at all hours of the day interupting family or homework or whatever, then you should be fine.

    and I wonder about my neighbors even though I don't have them
    but they're listening to every word I say
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    Bendery It Like BeckhamBendery It Like Beckham Hopeless Registered User regular
    I'm guessing the 94 stands for his birth year which holy shit I'm getting old,nputs him at just about 18. And her is what happens, either the mom is cool with it and you continue on like nothing ever happened and stop sneaking over, or the mom freaks out and ruins your shit and it ends shortly. There is a lot of experience behind these words. If you feel the need to sneak aroundnthenparents then they ultimately control the outcome of the situation

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    WezoinWezoin Registered User regular
    It may be too late to do in this relationship, but in future make sure you meet the parents early in the relationship, and be yourself in front of them. Obviously avoid making an ass of yourself, or telling dirty jokes or "I get mad bitchez yo", but genuineness can go a long way to helping parents like you. They'll be able to tell if you're putting on an act or hiding something, so the best thing is to go in and be yourself but make sure you're reasonably mature about it. Chances are they'll understand that yes you're young and still have some development to go, but I've always done this and never had a problem with parents. Even the girls who 'weren't allowed to date' were allowed to date me because I was the guy the parents trusted and liked. Hell, most of my girlfriends' parents still wanted to be friends with me even after we'd broken up.

    The moral of the story is that every parent wants to like whoever their kid is dating, because they want their kid to be happy, but you need to give them the chance to. If you're together for months and she keeps it a secret from them, they're not going to trust you, if every time you come over you run straight to the basement/bedroom/wherever you hang out and avoid the parents, they're not going to trust you. If you go in and shake their hands, sit down and ask about their day, and make small talk they will like you just for the maturity you showed. That said, if they find out you guys are sleeping together or getting sexual or serious they might still worry about pregnancy/stds/breaking their daughter's heart, but if they think you're mature enough to deal with it then theres more likelihood that they'll think you're mature enough to deal with the consequences of a sexual relationship. Start to build trust between them, maybe even introduce them to members of your family (I used to take my younger brother over when I said hi sometimes if we happened to be in the area because it showed I was mature enough to take care of him, or if she had a younger sibling we'd let them play together. If you're going out for a special event, such as graduation or a semi-formal or whatever that includes pictures, invite her parents over to take pictures too so your parents can get acquainted.) These are all things that can really help foster a trust and fondness for you.

    For the current situation I'd say the best thing you could do right now is man up and apologize. You seeing each other after school may not be 'wrong' in your eyes, or even objectively depending on your understanding of the situation, but you violated her parents trust, essentially lying, which is probably 'wrong', so you should apologize. Depending on how bad her parents feel about the situation it may not be saveable, but showing maturity and dealing with the situation will go a long way to helping you get back in their good books.

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    PelPel Registered User regular
    I think a lot of people are getting the wrong impression and/or had a different HS experience than me and everyone I knew. Even if you are on good terms with the parents I would expect there to be a fair amount of fairly innocuous sneaking around: highschoolers often simply don't like their parents knowing what's going on in their lives, even if the parent's might not disapprove. You got caught, though, so you need to man up and apologize, and explain your motivations in an inoffensive way (if this is possible!). "I just enjoy spending time with your daughter", for example, is a better motivation than "were in love and need to be together!", or worse, "no way we could bang on the couch if you were home!".

    It's important to let them know that you respect their rules, and important to let them (her) know why you broke them (and how you plan on cooperating more in the future). It's also important to let them and your significant other know that you realize you played a part in this and don't make her feel like she has to take all of the heat. On the other hand, if you were there with the dads consent and the mom still flipped, it may not be easy. That doesn't sound like a reasonable position for her to take, unless the parents are divorced or separated or something. This is a woman you have to learn to deal with, though, if you're serious about the girl. So go deal!

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    QuidQuid Definitely not a banana Registered User regular
    JebusUD wrote:
    If you are upfront and respectful, and not over at all hours of the day interupting family or homework or whatever, then you should be fine.

    This is definitely not representative of everyone's past experience. Many parents flat out don't "allow" their daughters to date, be alone with a boy in their house, etc. (Though it never occurs to them to be wary of her best friend that's over all the time for the same reason.)

    My advice would be to wait til you can talk to her and see what she wants to do, since it's her life that's going to be taking on the hardship here.

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    nataliepinataliepi Rogue Astronomer PARegistered User regular
    edited January 2012
    My parents were incredibly strict and protective of me and dating was out of the question till I hit college. My best advice would be to lay low for a while so that the mother can calm down. Talk to your girlfriend and see what she wants to do. If she wants to move forward with the relationship, then ease your way back into the family's life, IF your girlfriend would like you to (this way, they know you are attempting to be in their good graces). If she wants to end it, sorry but, such is life.

    nataliepi on
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    JebusUDJebusUD Adventure! Candy IslandRegistered User regular
    Quid wrote:
    JebusUD wrote:
    If you are upfront and respectful, and not over at all hours of the day interupting family or homework or whatever, then you should be fine.

    This is definitely not representative of everyone's past experience. Many parents flat out don't "allow" their daughters to date, be alone with a boy in their house, etc. (Though it never occurs to them to be wary of her best friend that's over all the time for the same reason.)

    My advice would be to wait til you can talk to her and see what she wants to do, since it's her life that's going to be taking on the hardship here.

    Yeah, some parents are pretty extreme. But I think many of the seemingly extreme ones will warm up to you with a little... social engineering. Talking to her about it is a good way to go.

    What does "sneaking" involve. Litterally sneaking into her room in the middle of the night? if that is the case you might have screwed yourself in regards to the parents. If it is just being over there after school and her dad knows, you're probably redeemable.

    and I wonder about my neighbors even though I don't have them
    but they're listening to every word I say
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