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My girlfriends mom found out
molson94
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So my girlfriends mom found out that i sneak over to her house after school. Ive been doing it for about a year and a half now. Her mom just found out tonight and I think my girlfriend is getting in deep right now. What should i do?
molson94 on
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Why do you even have to sneak in the first place?
I'm assuming her mother isn't abusive or anything like that.
(edit: yeah you're pretty much hopeless. Probably the best thing you could do is start hanging out with her family more and try to make a good impression.)
As for what you should do at this very moment: not a goddamn thing. This is about your girlfriend's relationship with her parents and has nothing to do with you.
I was dating a girl in high school. Thought I loved her. We 'firsted' everything together. Two years into the relationship she is a senior in high school and I was a freshman in college. She came over (skipping class to do so) and we were hanging out (read: having sex). While there, her mother called me and she asked me where Elizabeth was. I said, truthfully, she was with me. She told me to bring Elizabeth home.
So, I did. Sitting in the driveway I told Elizabeth I was pretty sure how this was going to go down. I told her I wanted to man up. Go into that house, face the music, tell her parents whatever they wanted to know and stand by our relationship.
Her mother had raided Elizabeth's room. Read her diary (where, of course, Elizabeth had dutifully detailed every one of our amorous encounters and literally, lost her mind.
I'll bore you the details, but the fallout was life-shattering. We ended up breaking up about 2 months later, and in my old age of 27, realizing that it was high school (puppy) love was really helpful.
Anyway. I am guessing this is another high-school problem. When you say 'sneaking over' I hear 'physical activity'. So you have a choice. You stand up for your relationship and what you are doing and talk to her parents openly and honestly about how you feel about her daughter and why you felt the need to sneak around. Of course, I have no idea how you defend your relationship with their daughter while you've been simultaneously breaking their rules.
Or you don't do anything if the relationship isn't worth while. Let it pan out and let her parents hate / distrust you.
The real question you have to ask yourself is whether or not you see a future in the relationship.
He said "Like me as much as they possibly can" which doesn't really indicate that they like him at all.
talk to your girl, see how she wants to proceed
that's why we call it the struggle, you're supposed to sweat
It wasn't so much me than it was the idea her daughter was dating. I just acted respectfully, tried to minimize any moments like the ones you are in a pickle for, and 10 years later we're married.
The daughter and I. I did not marry the Mom. She likes me now, though!
My point is that you just need to be respectful, shatter the notion that she may have that all young men are punks and are going to be bad for her daughter.
Try to weasel your way over there one night for dinner, if you don't already. Help set the table. When dinner is over, get up and help clear the table. Etc.
Just be a respectable guy and she will eventually be comfortable with you spending time alone with her daughter.
The short of it is like figgy said though. Stop "sneaking" around. If you are upfront and respectful, and not over at all hours of the day interupting family or homework or whatever, then you should be fine.
but they're listening to every word I say
The moral of the story is that every parent wants to like whoever their kid is dating, because they want their kid to be happy, but you need to give them the chance to. If you're together for months and she keeps it a secret from them, they're not going to trust you, if every time you come over you run straight to the basement/bedroom/wherever you hang out and avoid the parents, they're not going to trust you. If you go in and shake their hands, sit down and ask about their day, and make small talk they will like you just for the maturity you showed. That said, if they find out you guys are sleeping together or getting sexual or serious they might still worry about pregnancy/stds/breaking their daughter's heart, but if they think you're mature enough to deal with it then theres more likelihood that they'll think you're mature enough to deal with the consequences of a sexual relationship. Start to build trust between them, maybe even introduce them to members of your family (I used to take my younger brother over when I said hi sometimes if we happened to be in the area because it showed I was mature enough to take care of him, or if she had a younger sibling we'd let them play together. If you're going out for a special event, such as graduation or a semi-formal or whatever that includes pictures, invite her parents over to take pictures too so your parents can get acquainted.) These are all things that can really help foster a trust and fondness for you.
For the current situation I'd say the best thing you could do right now is man up and apologize. You seeing each other after school may not be 'wrong' in your eyes, or even objectively depending on your understanding of the situation, but you violated her parents trust, essentially lying, which is probably 'wrong', so you should apologize. Depending on how bad her parents feel about the situation it may not be saveable, but showing maturity and dealing with the situation will go a long way to helping you get back in their good books.
It's important to let them know that you respect their rules, and important to let them (her) know why you broke them (and how you plan on cooperating more in the future). It's also important to let them and your significant other know that you realize you played a part in this and don't make her feel like she has to take all of the heat. On the other hand, if you were there with the dads consent and the mom still flipped, it may not be easy. That doesn't sound like a reasonable position for her to take, unless the parents are divorced or separated or something. This is a woman you have to learn to deal with, though, if you're serious about the girl. So go deal!
This is definitely not representative of everyone's past experience. Many parents flat out don't "allow" their daughters to date, be alone with a boy in their house, etc. (Though it never occurs to them to be wary of her best friend that's over all the time for the same reason.)
My advice would be to wait til you can talk to her and see what she wants to do, since it's her life that's going to be taking on the hardship here.
t: @nataliepi | fb: fb.com/hernandeznlh
Yeah, some parents are pretty extreme. But I think many of the seemingly extreme ones will warm up to you with a little... social engineering. Talking to her about it is a good way to go.
What does "sneaking" involve. Litterally sneaking into her room in the middle of the night? if that is the case you might have screwed yourself in regards to the parents. If it is just being over there after school and her dad knows, you're probably redeemable.
but they're listening to every word I say