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What should I do? (Girl problem)
cheesecake
Registered User new member
Registered User new member
This is the first time I've ever actually started a thread in H/A, but I really don't know what to do.
Quick rundown:
I've been with the same girl now for about 3.5 years (since the beginning of my first year of university, i'm now about to graduate). Things between us, while not always perfect, are generally pretty great, and I love her and care about her a lot.
Her family is in a word, dysfunctional. Completely different from my own experience. Her mother is angry and spiteful (and there's more than a little evidence to suggest she may be quite mentally ill) and her father, though he recognizes the problem, is apathetic and selfish, choosing to close himself off and deal with it in his own way. Her mother showers her little brother with affection, while resenting her in some of the most extreme ways possible (throwing her things out, calling the police on her for phantom reasons, just really insane shit).
It's gotten a lot worse over the past few months, and it's getting to the point where she feels like she's having a nervous breakdown. It's also affecting our relationship in an extreme way. She doesn't really have many friends to turn to, so I get the tears and wild emotions in full force, pretty much 24/7.
It's wearing me the fuck down. Everything in my life is great, and I'm generally a happy guy, but I'm finding myself depressed, unable to do work, and dreading seeing her name on my call display. Because of her situation, she doesn't give a shit (understandably) about anything that goes on in my life, and our conversations are reduced to her crying and going on and on about how shitty her life is. She wants to move out of their house, but is not sure how or when that can happen.
I'm stuck guys. I'm 20 years old, and I feel like all the life is being sucked out of me. What should I do? Should I stay and put up with it like a good boyfriend? Or should I be a jerk and do what's best for me by saying "I can't deal with this anymore, I'm out"?
tl;dr version: Girl is having major problems at home, impacting our relationship and my own state of mind. Stay or go?
Quick rundown:
I've been with the same girl now for about 3.5 years (since the beginning of my first year of university, i'm now about to graduate). Things between us, while not always perfect, are generally pretty great, and I love her and care about her a lot.
Her family is in a word, dysfunctional. Completely different from my own experience. Her mother is angry and spiteful (and there's more than a little evidence to suggest she may be quite mentally ill) and her father, though he recognizes the problem, is apathetic and selfish, choosing to close himself off and deal with it in his own way. Her mother showers her little brother with affection, while resenting her in some of the most extreme ways possible (throwing her things out, calling the police on her for phantom reasons, just really insane shit).
It's gotten a lot worse over the past few months, and it's getting to the point where she feels like she's having a nervous breakdown. It's also affecting our relationship in an extreme way. She doesn't really have many friends to turn to, so I get the tears and wild emotions in full force, pretty much 24/7.
It's wearing me the fuck down. Everything in my life is great, and I'm generally a happy guy, but I'm finding myself depressed, unable to do work, and dreading seeing her name on my call display. Because of her situation, she doesn't give a shit (understandably) about anything that goes on in my life, and our conversations are reduced to her crying and going on and on about how shitty her life is. She wants to move out of their house, but is not sure how or when that can happen.
I'm stuck guys. I'm 20 years old, and I feel like all the life is being sucked out of me. What should I do? Should I stay and put up with it like a good boyfriend? Or should I be a jerk and do what's best for me by saying "I can't deal with this anymore, I'm out"?
tl;dr version: Girl is having major problems at home, impacting our relationship and my own state of mind. Stay or go?
cheesecake on
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Posts
Leave her.
Let's make one thing clear: you don't have a responsibility to stay if she is affecting you so horribly. Relationships are about mutual love and support, not about one person wearing the other down.
As trite as it sounds, sitting her down and laying all of your shit out is what you should do first. Hopefully she'll come around and you'll be able to both help her through her hardships at home and repair your relationship.
In the event that she doesn't, it seems like you're content to leave her anyway. No reason why you can't at least try to fix it up first, though.
You should not be her emotional crutch, though. If things do not turn around then breaking up is probably the best option. I have found that chronic relationship problems never really go away, they only compound upon themselves until they go supernova.
And remember there are always more fish in the sea, or so I am led to believe.
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"Love is patient; love is kind
and envies no one.
Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude;
never selfish, not quick to take offense.
There is nothing love cannot face;
there is no limit to its faith,
its hope, and endurance."
I think you should work this out, honestly. Like everyone else has said three and half years is a long time just to drop her. Let her know you have no problem trying to help her out, talking to her, and listening; however, let her now how it is affecting you. I think amidst all the drama and turmoil within her family she's forgotten how to just have fun. How old is she? I figure if you're both in university you would be living in apartments or dorms and such. You realize why she's acting this way. Her mom turns her back on her while causing senseless problems and her father doesn't give a shit about it. She NEEDS to get out if no one is helping.
Try and work it out. If it doesn't get fixed, you do owe it to yourself to get out. But right now, you owe it to her to explain how you feel.
Really, if it's been such a successful relationship, another month or so of trying to make things work has to be worth it, right? Just tell her your doubts and your problems, and let her try and become what you need in the relationship.
It's ok to simply not be in love with someone anymore.
From the way he explains it, the relationship has been going badly for a while. He just needs to cut the final thread.
Because it's only getting longer by the minute and harder by the second.
Next thing you'll know he'll be sitting in the wayside, drinking 2/5ths Whiskey, 3/4ths Regret.
That said, there's no reason you should ditch her just because she's an emotion wreck due to her mom dumping on her. But you do need to step back and evaluate your own position in the relationship. If living at home is the problem, would living with her be an option? If living with her is out of the question, how serious is the relationship?
Some people end up in truly shitty situations, and offering an out can completely alleviate their problems. Like someone living with a horrible home life, taking them out of that situation can allow them to focus on their own life and their own growth. But the options for your situation are much more gray than just "stay or go."
You should talk to her about this. Be serious about it if you're serious, and say that you've been there for her and you feel very strongly about her, but you're emotionally drained and you can't deal with her family anymore. If driving her to counseling is an option, offer that. If moving out together is an option, discuss that with her.
But if you're not serious about living together to remove her from her crappy parents, or if she's not in a position to live with roommates or at a dorm on her own, then what's the deal?
Find a place with a vacancy.
Move in.
???
Profit.
Really saying I don't know how is procrastinating. Tell her if she wants to move out, move the fuck out. Get a job, sign some papers stick your underwear in a different laundry and you are done. You could even help her do this. (though personally I wouldn't recomend moving in with her until she has mentally calmed down from all this shit she is catching).
Satans..... hints.....
Yeah, this is another possibility.
Basically i told her that it was getting to the breaking point with me, and she admitted that she had been leaning on me too much. We both agreed that her getting the hell out of there as soon as possible is the solution to most of her/our problems.
She's gonna start applying for jobs (we're both graduating this june) so she can move out as quickly as possible. Luckily she's a saver, and is sitting on a wad of cash to begin with.
I appreciate all the advice guys, those both for and against staying. I was of two minds about it, and still am, but at least now we have a plan and there's light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm sure you'll all wait with bated breath for updates! :P
the easy way is just leaving her to stew in it.