I think it's time for another BAD JOKES thread

Fire Truck

Want to hear a joke about my dick?

Ah, nevermind. It's too long.

Wanna hear a joke about my pussy?

Oh forget it, you'll never get it anyway.

Antimatter

Fire Truck wrote:

The Buddha walks up to a hot dog stand. The vendor asks, "What'll ya have?"

Buddha says, "Make me one with everything."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ltzDHTbaI8s

facetious

The other day a coworker posted on Facebook this status:

"Got my whip today "

I looked at it and understood that in this case, 'whip' was a colloquialism for 'automobile', but it was ripe for punishment. First I thought of an SM joke but discared it as too perverted for a casual acquaintance, and then I landed on possibly the best pun that has ever existed:

"Those horses won't know what hit 'em."

This works on every conceivable level. Apart from the obvious whip pun itself, the "hit 'em" bit is a play on words in its own right, since usually that saying isn't meant literally.

The statement as a whole also has the sly suggestion that she's a bad driver and will crash into a herd of horses.

and on top of all that

cars have horsepower, and it is common in the parlance to "hit it" and rev the motor, thus producing said horsepower.

Basically, I am a master of my craft.

Donovan Puppyfucker

nope

B-, at best.

facetious

To be fair

most puns are D or worse.

So I'll take that.

Virgil_Leads_You

There's a old voodoo spell that will make the dolphin live forever, if you believe in that sort of thing.

Put three fledgling seagulls in a basket, and jump three times over a lion that's been drugged into insensibility, but not unconsciousness; feed the seagulls to the dolphin at midnight on the next three full moons, and the dolphin can't be killed.

Of course, in the U.S., you'd be in violation of the Mann Act--

transporting young gulls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.

(stole this joke from this farker, but I wanted to share)

Darmak

Oh my god Virgil

Mr Fuzzbutt

Two necrophiliacs are walking along having a conversation.

The first one says, "How's that girlfriend of yours doing?"

"Oh, we're not together anymore," the other one says.

"What happened?" the first one asks.

To which the second replies,

"The cunt split on me!"

MetroidZoid

*gag*

Volucrisus Aedrius

What was Heath Ledger's suicide note entitled?

Ten Things I Hate About Me

What's the difference between Heath Ledger and tasteless "Heath Ledger is dead" jokes?

The jokes will get old.

godmode

Oh man those are bad.

Shorty

What does a ghost use to hold up his pants?

suspectres

Shorty

Virgil_Leads_You wrote:

There's a old voodoo spell that will make the dolphin live forever, if you believe in that sort of thing.

Put three fledgling seagulls in a basket, and jump three times over a lion that's been drugged into insensibility, but not unconsciousness; feed the seagulls to the dolphin at midnight on the next three full moons, and the dolphin can't be killed.

Of course, in the U.S., you'd be in violation of the Mann Act--

transporting young gulls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.

(stole this joke from this farker, but I wanted to share)

that's pretty punny

Virgil_Leads_You

Shorty wrote:

What does a ghost detective use to hold up his pants?

suspectres

Shorty

you've co-opted the spirit of my joke

MetroidZoid

Going to reuses a joke I got off SE++ many moons ago:

A guy's in the hospital for some stomach issues. Late one night, he gets the urge to take a dump and gets up, sits on the pot. He waits for the better part of an hour but ... nothing. He goes back to bed, only to wake up an hour later with the same intense urge. Again, nothing. Goes back to bed. Third time he wakes up again, and this time says 'fuck it'. Moments later he shits over the entire bed. A massive load that covers every sheet and blanket. Deeply embarrassed, the guy quickly balls up all the bedding and chucks it out the window.

On the sidewalk below, a guy is stumbling drunk from a nearby bar when this pile of hospital bedding lands straight on him. He freaks out and starts flailing his arms about until it finally falls down to his feet. A security guard sees the whole commotion, runs up and asks if the guy's okay. The drunk looks at the mess at his feet and says

I'm fine, but I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!

Lost Salient

Hey @Moriveth is the green golf balls joke the same as the pink ping pong balls joke?

Because if so thanks for not telling it.

E: Yep. Yep it is.

Moriveth

Lost Salient wrote:

Hey @Moriveth is the green golf balls joke the same as the pink ping pong balls joke?

Because if so thanks for not telling it.

E: Yep. Yep it is.

Yeah it's kind of more of an insult than a joke, isn't it.

Tonkka

How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Wanna go ride bikes?

Tonkka

How can you tell if a person is vegan?

Oh, they'll tell you.

Lost Salient

Moriveth wrote:

Lost Salient wrote:

Hey @Moriveth is the green golf balls joke the same as the pink ping pong balls joke?

Because if so thanks for not telling it.

E: Yep. Yep it is.

Yeah it's kind of more of an insult than a joke, isn't it.

To be fair, a friend of mine was very good at telling that joke, and watching him tell it to a friend's dumb-as-rocks girlfriend was incredible. She kept laughing harder and harder.

You know, until the end. Then she kept saying, "Wait, what? I don't get it."

Mr Fuzzbutt

Lost Salient wrote:

Moriveth wrote:

Lost Salient wrote:

Hey @Moriveth is the green golf balls joke the same as the pink ping pong balls joke?

Because if so thanks for not telling it.

E: Yep. Yep it is.

Yeah it's kind of more of an insult than a joke, isn't it.

To be fair, a friend of mine was very good at telling that joke, and watching him tell it to a friend's dumb-as-rocks girlfriend was incredible. She kept laughing harder and harder.

You know, until the end. Then she kept saying, "Wait, what? I don't get it."

The best variant of this is when the guy needs to become a nun to uncover some nun mystery, like the meaning of red candles or some shit, and there's a big long story of how he gets his nunhood, and he finds the answer to the mystery and you stop there, and when your victim asks what the answer was, you say you can't tell them because they're not a nun.

Lost Salient

Fuzzbutt I am only saying this because

I enjoy the brutal agony of someone hearing these jokes for the first time

but maybe you could spoiler that so those who aren't checking out what we're talking about will still be surprised at the punchline

Lost Salient

Also that is super-cruel and also funny

Mr Fuzzbutt

Ok.

Tef

Will someone just tell the fucking joke already?

godmode

I googled "green golf ball joke" and found it pretty quick :P

Lost Salient

Tef, it's one of those jokes that really really needs to be told outloud.

Reading it will just make you go "....oh."

godmode

I didn't go "Oh" so much as :?

It really is a bad (un)joke.

Tef

Ok, fair enough. Hopefully one of the other Perth PAers know it. Otherwise it's 2013, fuzzbutt

Tef

Sounds like The Prawn Named Christian

I'm too lazy to type it all out and I'm phone posting so here's a link usually when I tell it, I stretch it out a bit longer to really getting everyone groaning and moaning

Crimson King

Mr Fuzzbutt wrote:

Lost Salient wrote:

Moriveth wrote:

Lost Salient wrote:

Hey @Moriveth is the green golf balls joke the same as the pink ping pong balls joke?

Because if so thanks for not telling it.

E: Yep. Yep it is.

Yeah it's kind of more of an insult than a joke, isn't it.

To be fair, a friend of mine was very good at telling that joke, and watching him tell it to a friend's dumb-as-rocks girlfriend was incredible. She kept laughing harder and harder.

You know, until the end. Then she kept saying, "Wait, what? I don't get it."

The best variant of this is when the guy needs to become a nun to uncover some nun mystery, like the meaning of red candles or some shit, and there's a big long story of how he gets his nunhood, and he finds the answer to the mystery and you stop there, and when your victim asks what the answer was, you say you can't tell them because they're not a nun.

just about to tell this joke

Crimson King

Cowboy having a drink in a crowded saloon. He gets up, pays his tab, walks out, immediately walks back in and says, "Which one of you sons-of-bitches done stole my horse?"

Dead silence.

"I mean it," says "the cowboy, "I ain't leavin' here until I find out who stole my horse!"

Still no-one says anything.

"Listen," says the cowboy, "The man who stole my horse better own up, right now, or I swear to god, I'm gonna have to do what I done in Texas!"

There's a long pause, and then a man in the corner stands up and says sheepishly, "It was me, I done it, I'l go get your horse."

While he's gone, the bartender leans over to the cowboy and says, "Listen, buddy, what was it you done in Texas?"

And the cowboy says;

"I had to bloody walk home."

godmode

I sincerely doubt a cowboy used "bloody" like that.

Mr Fuzzbutt

Why did Jesus cross the road?

He was nailed to the chicken!

W2

facetious wrote:

The other day a coworker posted on Facebook this status:

"Got my whip today "

I looked at it and understood that in this case, 'whip' was a colloquialism for 'automobile', but it was ripe for punishment. First I thought of an SM joke but discared it as too perverted for a casual acquaintance, and then I landed on possibly the best pun that has ever existed:

"Those horses won't know what hit 'em."

This works on every conceivable level. Apart from the obvious whip pun itself, the "hit 'em" bit is a play on words in its own right, since usually that saying isn't meant literally.

The statement as a whole also has the sly suggestion that she's a bad driver and will crash into a herd of horses.

and on top of all that

cars have horsepower, and it is common in the parlance to "hit it" and rev the motor, thus producing said horsepower.

Basically, I am a master of my craft.

Speaking of puns, my girlfriend made dhal the other day and she said it was "so good it deserved an award."

And I said "What, the Nobel Peas prize?"



I felt this was razor sharp but I admit I had to check first to see if you could make dhal out of peas.

Crimson King

godmode wrote:

I sincerely doubt a cowboy used "bloody" like that.

they wouldn't have respected him if he'd let on he was english

also shut up

Tef

Cowboys existed outside of America!

godmode

Crimson King wrote:

godmode wrote:

I sincerely doubt a cowboy used "bloody" like that.

they wouldn't have respected him if he'd let on he was english

also shut up

Tef wrote:

Cowboys existed outside of America!

Yes, I considered that, but he speaks of Texas!

Crimson King

next time i tell that joke i'll change it to 'do what i done in Queensland' and save on all this confusion