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I think it's time for another BAD JOKES thread
Posts
during the yukon gold rush there was a store owner who thought he'd try his hand at setting up a grocery store closer to the gold fields, not just selling supplies but also lodging, hot food, etc. The theory was that he'd make back the extra overhead spent on transportation by becoming a one-stop shop for miners and panners and capturing the revenue stream before anyone had a chance to blow all their gold on booze and women.
However, things don't turn out as planned and after construction is done, the store owner is left alone in his shop all day and all night, for weeks on end, with nothing else to do except keep the fire up constantly watch the horizon for any visitors. One day, weeks after the opening, he sees a tiny figure approaching on the horizon, miles away across the open tundra. In an excited rush he goes inside, puts the coffee on, makes sure every item on the shelves is perfectly displayed, he starts on some beans, making sure he can accommodate every need the visitor might have.
Hours later, a windblown, battered miner stumbles into the store. His footlong beard is full of frost, his feet are wrapped in rags, and heavy furs cover him from top to toe. Deep beneath the bearskin hat, two eyes stare out at the store owner, half-mad with hunger and cold. Not wanting to put upon the miner, the store owner waits for his customer to speak, which he does after a long moment.
"D'ya have cold coffee?"
Perplexed, the store owner looks down at a pot full of delicious, fresh piping hot coffee and says "No, sir, I'm sorry". With a shrug, the miner leaves the store and disappears into the blizzard and the darkness. Weeks pass without any more visitors and the store owner is considering just shutting down and going back south when, one day, he sees a tiny figure on the horizon. He squints and struggles to see, and after remembering he owns a pair of binoculars he ascertains that it is the same man as before. Having thought about how the hot coffee seemed to drive away his only potential customer, he rushes inside, brews a pot of coffee as quickly as he can, then sticks it in the snow to cool.
By the time the miner is approaching, the coffee has nearly frozen to ice and is securely nested in an ice box. This time, the store owner knows, the coffee will be cold enough to meet any standard of coldness. The miner slowly comes up to the store and opens, shaking massive sheets of snow and ice off his rugged frame before entering. Five fresh scars mark his face, evidence of an attack by a grizzly bear, yet the miner is the one left standing. When he tries to speak, the miner's voice catches in his throat because he has not talked to or seen another human being since his last encounter with the store owner. Finally, he manages to spit out his request:
"D'ya have cold coffee?"
Feeling elated but not wanting to appear smug, the store owner calmly responds "Yes, sir."
Long moments pass as the miner's mind grinds through the next phase of whatever process engendered the question.
"Well," he says.
"Could ya heat it up for me?"
Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better
bit.ly/2XQM1ke
I love this one.
He just Aristocrat'd the moth joke. Only I guess not quite as dirty.
I think Gilbert Godfrey is the current king of the Artistocrats joke.
we picked my sister up from school on Friday and had to go straight to a movie, so she said she wanted some Mickey D's on the way
"I want chicken nuggets annnnnd a Sundae" she told us
"Are you sure you don't want the whole weekend?" my dad asks
good lord, my dad is the king of terrible jokes
YES YOUR FATHER WINS THE PRIZE FOR BEST DAD
Here is a terrible joke
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?" The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth. "The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door." The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
what? You want to know what it was? Well
Here is a joke to make it all better:
Did you hear about the angostic, dyslexic insomniac?
He lay awake all night, wondering if there really was a Dog
Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better
bit.ly/2XQM1ke
You take our national instrument and the you ruin the jokes thread
I'm not angry I'm just disappointed
Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better
bit.ly/2XQM1ke
Sustain me.
Violets are red.
Oh shit, my garden's on fire!
My arms are starting to ache.
A few coworkers have called me funny and I without thinking immediately said, "No I'm not." But they insisted. I'm still baffled.
Steam: Chagrin LoL: Bonhomie
I ... I can't express my love for this in words. I need this somewhere. On a sign. Bathroom towels. Maybe a tattoo.
3DS FC: 4699-5714-8940 Playing Pokemon, add me! Ho, SATAN!
I do the same sort of jokes literally for no other reason than to send my friends into a howling rage
irl trollin
Steam: Chagrin LoL: Bonhomie
Violets are blue
Unless you're colorblind
What do you call someone from Alabama who has no brothers or sisters?
Why do they call it "PMS"?
A handsome man ran past me earlier
I thought, "He's dashing!"
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
(Outloud:)
Why don't the French ever eat two eggs?
(Outloud:)
What has eight legs and eats ants?
Two cows are grazing together. One says to the other, "Hey, are you getting worried about that mad cow disease that's going around?"
The second cow replies, "Why should I give a shit? I'm a helicopter."
What did the farmer say when he opened his barn and his plow was missing?
Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel Prize?
What has wheels and flies?
Thanks! I copied it from the internet myself!
After a few moments, a goat comes running through the forest at about 60 mph and jumps straight into the hole, disappearing.
As the two friends are taking this in, an old farmer walks by.
Farmer: "excuse me, have you seen my goat?"
Friend: "we saw a goat, but it just ran straight into this mysterious hole."
Farmer: "Oh, then that goat couldn't have been mine. My goat was tied to a huge boulder"
More jokes like this please. Puns everywhere.
Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better
bit.ly/2XQM1ke
E: Posted before the I saw the request for more puns
I like puns.
And dashing gentlemen.
Steam: Chagrin LoL: Bonhomie
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said ‘No change yet’.
Two antennae met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was great.
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why,” they asked, as they moved off. “Because”, he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Mexico; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a photo of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the photo, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a photo of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "Why?! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal!"
Masterful.
e: Also, I have that formula on my G+ page!
Whiteboards are remarkable.
I made a chicken salad today.
Damn bird didn't even eat it.
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.
He said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "I can't do Tuesdays."
My boss accused me of not forwarding an email her way.
I resent that.
So, I was working in a library and this bloke comes up to me and says, "Do you have a bookmark?"
I said, "Yes, we have hundreds...but my name's Dave"
I work as a waiter.
The pay isn't great but I put food on the table.
According to a new study, most people lean slightly forward when they nod their head.
I must say I'm inclined to agree.
Coke dealers: always sticking their business in other people's noses.
I'm out! Night folks!
Top rated comment:
Steam: Chagrin LoL: Bonhomie
Shit's dark.
GoFund The Portland Trans Pride March, or Show It To People, or Else!
the other side isn't referring to death, the punchline is anti-climax
I respect Norm's ability to embarrass himself like that