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I need jokes.

billwillbillwill Registered User regular
edited January 2012 in Help / Advice Forum
Specifically, the cringe-worthy ones.

I'm looking for stuff along the lines of:

"Someone told me you looked like an owl?" to which they respond "Who?"

and

"Is it just me, or does it smell like updog in here?" (That's not really usable since everyone knows it, but just to give you a general idea).

Also terrible knock knock jokes would be much appreciated.

I hate you and you hate me.
billwill on

Posts

  • see317see317 Registered User regular
    Here's SE++'s bad joke thread.
    http://forums.penny-arcade.com/discussion/154195/i-think-its-time-for-another-bad-jokes-thread/p1

    It should have enough to get you started.

    Ringo wrote: »
    Well except what see317 said. That guy's always wrong.
  • ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    I hate these.

    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
  • EshEsh Tending bar. FFXIV. Motorcycles. Portland, ORRegistered User regular
    A termite walks into a bar. He says "Is the bar tender here?".

    "At first he thought it might be a natural occurrence - maybe a rabbit. But upon closer inspection, it was clear a knife had been used. And rabbits don't carry knives."

    Final Fantasy XIV:Lilja Sunblade
  • MagicToasterMagicToaster JapanRegistered User regular
    A blind man walks into a bar.

  • Dread Pirate ArbuthnotDread Pirate Arbuthnot OMG WRIGGLY T O X O P L A S M O S I SRegistered User regular
    Pepe and Pedro are lost in the desert. They've been wandering for days, but they're out of food and water. They are on their last legs when off in the distance, they see... a tree. A tree means water, a tree might mean food, a tree means shelter. A tree means life. They clamber up over the next sand dune, enjoying their second wind.

    As they get closer, they see that this isn't any type of tree... it's a bacon tree. Lush bacon hands off every branch. Cured bacon, smoked bacon, Canadian bacon. Now Pepe, Pepe loves bacon, so he breaks into a sprint. As he gets closer, machine gun fire rings out! He falls to the sand, bleeding and choking.

    Pedro screams, "Pepe! Pepe, my friend, what happened to you?!"

    Pedro chokes as his final words, "Run Pedro... it's not a bacon tree...

    IT'S A HAMBUSH"

  • AumniAumni Registered User regular
    edited January 2012
    A midget walks into a bar, says to the bartender "I saw the sign outside, you need a bouncer?"

    Bartender replies "I do - we need some tough guys. You're a little short though."

    Midget says, "I may be short but I'm one of the toughest son of bitches out there. Back in the war my arm got blown off by a 'nade but it didn't stop me! I picked it up, sewed it back on, and kept fighting!"

    Bartender, surprised, exclaims: "That's incredible! Alright, you got the job!"

    Midget yells "ALRIGHT!".

    (This is where you hold up your hands, one with a thumbs up, and one with a thumbs down.)

    Aumni on
    http://steamcommunity.com/id/aumni/ Battlenet: Aumni#1978 GW2: Aumni.1425 PSN: Aumnius
  • Seattle ThreadSeattle Thread Registered User regular
    A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "hey, I've got a drink named after you." The grasshopper replies, "you've got a drink named 'Steve?'"



    A guy goes to the doctor with carrots shoved up each nostril and in each ear. He says "doc, I'm not feeling well!" The doctor replies, "well, first of all you're not eating right."



    A priest, a rabbi and an athiest walk into a bar, and the bartender says "what is this, some kind of joke?"

  • KafkaAUKafkaAU Western AustraliaRegistered User regular
    Why did the boy fall off his bike?

    He had no arms.

    Why did the plane crash?

    The pilot was a loaf of bread.

    steam_sig.png
    Origin: KafkaAU B-Net: Kafka#1778
  • MetroidZoidMetroidZoid Registered User regular
    A baby seal walks into a club

    9UsHUfk.jpgSteam
    3DS FC: 4699-5714-8940 Playing Pokemon, add me! Ho, SATAN!
  • DrAlleconDrAllecon Registered User regular
    A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer and a mop."

    A patient's in his doctor's office. The doctor tells him to take off his clothes, turn toward the window and stick out his tongue. The patient asks "Why?" The doctor replies, "I'm mad at my neighbor."

    Knock knock
    Who's there?
    Interrupting cow.
    Interrup....MOO!

  • Baron DirigibleBaron Dirigible Registered User regular
    edited January 2012
    What do you need to know to be an auctioneer?
    LOTS

    What does a midget and a dwarf have in common?
    VERY LITTLE

    Baron Dirigible on
    Perfection is achieved not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.
  • tarnoktarnok Registered User regular
    There were two fish in a tank. One says to the other "You drive, I'll fire the gun."

    Wii Code:
    0431-6094-6446-7088
  • garroad_rangarroad_ran Registered User regular
    "What's the second-last letter in the alphabet?"
    "Y."
    "Because I want to know!"

  • bowenbowen How you doin'? Registered User regular
    What do you call a cow with no legs?

    Ground beef.

    Ladies.
  • tarnoktarnok Registered User regular
    What do you call a dog with no legs?
    It doesn't matter, he won't come anyway.

    Wii Code:
    0431-6094-6446-7088
  • see317see317 Registered User regular
    What do you call a woman with one leg shorter then the other?
    Ilene

    What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
    Bob

    What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on the wall?
    Art

    What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on the front porch?
    Matt

    Ringo wrote: »
    Well except what see317 said. That guy's always wrong.
  • sotsogsotsog Registered User
    Two Pretzels were walking down the street. One was Assaulted.

    Why did the entree blush? It saw the salad dressing.

    Why didn't the skeleton go to the bar? It had No Body to go with.



    signature2.jpg
  • DeadfallDeadfall Registered User regular
    Pepe and Pedro are lost in the desert. They've been wandering for days, but they're out of food and water. They are on their last legs when off in the distance, they see... a tree. A tree means water, a tree might mean food, a tree means shelter. A tree means life. They clamber up over the next sand dune, enjoying their second wind.

    As they get closer, they see that this isn't any type of tree... it's a bacon tree. Lush bacon hands off every branch. Cured bacon, smoked bacon, Canadian bacon. Now Pepe, Pepe loves bacon, so he breaks into a sprint. As he gets closer, machine gun fire rings out! He falls to the sand, bleeding and choking.

    Pedro screams, "Pepe! Pepe, my friend, what happened to you?!"

    Pedro chokes as his final words, "Run Pedro... it's not a bacon tree...

    IT'S A HAMBUSH"

    This goes in the "Jokes-to-tell-the-father-in-law" file.

    BFzWh4r.png
    xbl - HowYouGetAnts
    steam - WeAreAllGeth
    www.hoptonogood.com - Beer/Adventure/Life
  • RderdallRderdall Registered User regular
    see317 wrote:
    What do you call a woman with one leg shorter then the other?
    Ilene

    What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
    Bob

    What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on the wall?
    Art

    What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on the front porch?
    Matt

    What do you call a man under a pile of leaves?
    Russle

    And my favorite: What do you call a leper in a hot tub?
    Stew

    steam_sig.png

    Xbox Gamertag: GAMB1NO325Xi
  • FiggyFiggy Registered User regular
    edited February 2012
    Deadfall wrote:
    Pepe and Pedro are lost in the desert. They've been wandering for days, but they're out of food and water. They are on their last legs when off in the distance, they see... a tree. A tree means water, a tree might mean food, a tree means shelter. A tree means life. They clamber up over the next sand dune, enjoying their second wind.

    As they get closer, they see that this isn't any type of tree... it's a bacon tree. Lush bacon hands off every branch. Cured bacon, smoked bacon, Canadian bacon. Now Pepe, Pepe loves bacon, so he breaks into a sprint. As he gets closer, machine gun fire rings out! He falls to the sand, bleeding and choking.

    Pedro screams, "Pepe! Pepe, my friend, what happened to you?!"

    Pedro chokes as his final words, "Run Pedro... it's not a bacon tree...

    IT'S A HAMBUSH"

    This goes in the "Jokes-to-tell-the-father-in-law" file.

    When you file it away, make sure you change the names to be more iconically French, and have the characters talk in a French accent. The punchline is more funny that way.

    Figgy on
    XBL : Figment3 · SteamID : Figment · Website : www.nathanswyers.com
  • EgoEgo Registered User regular
    What do you call a fish with no eyes?
    FSHHHHHHHHHHHH!

    Erik
  • Bigtoy_JBigtoy_J Registered User
    Did you hear about the insomniac, agnostic, dyslexic?

    He stayed up late at night wondering if there really was a dog.

    Love George Bernard Shaw quotations.

    Also, I can count to "boat".
  • MadpoetMadpoet Registered User regular
    What do you call a deer with no eyes?

    No eye deer.

    What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

    Still no eye deer.

    What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no genitalia?

    Still no fucking eye deer.

  • NylonathetepNylonathetep Registered User regular
    edited February 2012
    .

    Nylonathetep on
    714353-1.png
  • MadpoetMadpoet Registered User regular
    What do you get if you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros?

    Elephino...

  • Baron DirigibleBaron Dirigible Registered User regular
    What do you get if you cross a road with a bike?
    TO THE OTHER SIDE

    Perfection is achieved not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.
  • tarnoktarnok Registered User regular
    There was once a florist's shop in a small town. This was the only florist in town and while business was not great she got by. There was also a small monastery on the edge of town where lived an order of friars. One day as a fund raiser the friars decided to sell flowers. The turn out was so good that at length they decided to continue selling flowers. At first the florist didn't mind because it was supposed to be just a one day thing, but as time wore on and they kept selling flowers the friars started cutting sharply into her meager income. The florist went to the brothers and tried to talk them out of their flower-selling venture but had no luck. At wits' end she finally went to see Hugh, the town heavy. Hugh feared neither man nor God and was perfectly willing to go "talk" to the brothers for a few dollars. The next day Hugh went around to see them and sure enough their flower stall was soon closed down and the florist was able to rebuild her business.

    Which just proves that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

    Wii Code:
    0431-6094-6446-7088
  • dispatch.odispatch.o Registered User regular
    I've got a great knock knock joke.

    ...You start.

  • Dread Pirate ArbuthnotDread Pirate Arbuthnot OMG WRIGGLY T O X O P L A S M O S I SRegistered User regular
    A man walked into a bar, deeply depressed and in search for some meaning. Feeling a growing pain in his stomach, he asked the bartender for the cheapest meal he could give. In front of the man was laid a sickly looking sweet potato.

    The man then sparked a bit of a conversation with the potato, which while it may seem impossible to an ordinary man is quite normal when you're as depressed and as hungry as he.

    "Where did you come from?" Asked the man, still too sad to eat and yet too awake to stay quiet.

    "A farm" Answered the potato.

    The man began to sob.

    "How similar we are. You, a potato, born to be devoured by men, and I, a man, born to be devoured by worms."

    The potato shrugged.

    "Eh, its not so bad. We all get eaten eventually. I've lived a good life. Met a good potato-girl who became my potato-wife, had a couple of taters."

    "But," Said the man, "Don't you have regrets? I for one have lived my whole life in a mad scramble to extend my life. A cyclical dance of pointlessness."

    "No," Said the potato, taking a drink from the mans glass of water, "I have no regrets. If I had built a tower, it would have fallen. If I had built a name, it would have been forgotten. I did what made me happy, and whatever I get in death is exactly what I deserve."

    The man shook his head.

    "No no, you've got it all wrong. I want to be important! I want to achieve! I want people to remember me!"

    The potato smiled.

    "You are, in your unimportance, important. Its because of the ant drones that the queen has any importance or means of survival at all. Contextually in society, you are, in your seemingly pointless life, the very essence of collective importance. Because of the boring people in society, we have the exciting people! Without the boring, then we'd all be exciting, which would become the new social norm. Therefore, because it would become common-place, it would in effect become the new "boring" of society, while the original boring would, in their rarety, become the new "exciting". You may think that the celebrities that lounge around lazily are the most important of people, but it is by your hard-work that they exist at all."

    The man shook his head.

    "I don't understand..."

    The potato smiled again.

    "Its simple. Society has social castes. Therefore, because of the existence of a lower caste, aka your caste, there exists an upper caste. Because of the "unimportant" men and women who work all day every day, we have the "important" achievers who are considered "rare". And remember, without the "common" there is no "rare". Contextually, you give them their very purpose of existence. You need each other, and therefore are of equal importance."

    The man began to smile.

    "So who... What, are you?"

    The potato thought for a moment.

    "You kill me, eat me, and I extend your life. I am food. I am a sacrifice."

    The mans smile shrunk.

    "But what are you? You're a living thing- You feel pain, you can communicate, you have a will to survive... What seperates you from me, a man? What are you?"

    The sweet potato shrugged.

    "I yam what I yam."

  • FiggyFiggy Registered User regular
    Is a hippopatamus really a hippopatamus or just a cool opatamus?

    XBL : Figment3 · SteamID : Figment · Website : www.nathanswyers.com
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