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Helping someone get on track?
Grundlestiltskin
Behind you!Registered User regular
Behind you!Registered User regular
I have a brother. For the purpose of this story, we'll call him Jack.
Jack graduated from undergrad at Dickenson College in May with a BA (majored in Psychology). This wouldn't necessarily make him any different from the tens of thousands of people graduating in the past year, except Jack started undergrad in 2004. He'll be 27 in April and lacks...direction.
Basically, Jack failed out of college in his freshman year because he just didn't go to class. Didn't feel like it, sat in his dorm and watched movies. He blamed his psoriasis for not wanting to go outside (he gets rashes on his legs, or used to) and subsequently blamed my parents for giving him psoriasis (apparently it has genetic triggers).
After that first year, he took some time off. He spent 6 months in Costa Rica doing an Outward Bound program. He spent another 6 months in Australia learning to be a surf instructor. Our parents footed the bill for both of these programs. He came back, did a year at the local community college, then went back to his original college and finished out his degree. This was almost a year ago.
Since then, he's been all over the map. First he was going to go to med school, because doctors are guaranteed to make a lot of money and he thought our father would let him take over his practice (Ophthalmology). When he realized he'd be in his mid 30s before he could start making money he scrapped that, and moved onto law school. Lawyers are always in demand right? He talked about taking the LSATs for a while and then eventually dropped that idea. Next up was a graduate program in Organizational Behavior, which was probably the most in line with his undergrad interests but was mostly inspired by wanting to move closer to his psychotic ex-girlfriend. When things fizzled out there, he took some time to think. After a three week vacation in the Caribbean with our mother, his latest idea is that he's going to go to a graduate program in NYC to become a gemologist (because, the jeweler he always goes to in the Caribbean said that he makes 70-80k a year before commission and once you get a degree you're in high demand. Seeing a pattern here?
During this time he has done next to nothing to seek gainful interim employment. He told our mother that he's applied for 20 jobs, but I'd be surprised if it was more than 10. Instead, he spends most of his time driving to our childhood home that our parents are trying to sell mid-messy-divorce and swimming laps in the pool, then going home to do god knows what. He drives a 40k car that he mostly paid for with his trust fund (which, by my estimate, will last another year or two tops with no extra income), pays for his rent and living out of the fund, and generally does nothing but bitch about how our father is a terrible person and won't get him a job through his contacts "like all of his friends' parents."
Long story short, my brother is a directionless almost-27 year old with no sense of reality, no accountability, and no real work experience (he had two retail jobs before college that he got fired from within a few weeks when he was in his early 20s). He and my father no longer speak, and my mother avoids the conflict and praises him for making "progress." I have conversations with him every few weeks that turn into fights because I bring all of this up.
I'm sure there's really nothing I can do, but I was hoping to get some feedback from anyone who's been through something similar. How do you get someone like this to see how unreasonable they're being? Can someone his age realistically hand a company his resume and expect them to read it? How do I stop being this judgmental?
It just frustrates me. I feel like he's very slowly ruining his life, and making everyone around him miserable in the process. Help.
Jack graduated from undergrad at Dickenson College in May with a BA (majored in Psychology). This wouldn't necessarily make him any different from the tens of thousands of people graduating in the past year, except Jack started undergrad in 2004. He'll be 27 in April and lacks...direction.
Basically, Jack failed out of college in his freshman year because he just didn't go to class. Didn't feel like it, sat in his dorm and watched movies. He blamed his psoriasis for not wanting to go outside (he gets rashes on his legs, or used to) and subsequently blamed my parents for giving him psoriasis (apparently it has genetic triggers).
After that first year, he took some time off. He spent 6 months in Costa Rica doing an Outward Bound program. He spent another 6 months in Australia learning to be a surf instructor. Our parents footed the bill for both of these programs. He came back, did a year at the local community college, then went back to his original college and finished out his degree. This was almost a year ago.
Since then, he's been all over the map. First he was going to go to med school, because doctors are guaranteed to make a lot of money and he thought our father would let him take over his practice (Ophthalmology). When he realized he'd be in his mid 30s before he could start making money he scrapped that, and moved onto law school. Lawyers are always in demand right? He talked about taking the LSATs for a while and then eventually dropped that idea. Next up was a graduate program in Organizational Behavior, which was probably the most in line with his undergrad interests but was mostly inspired by wanting to move closer to his psychotic ex-girlfriend. When things fizzled out there, he took some time to think. After a three week vacation in the Caribbean with our mother, his latest idea is that he's going to go to a graduate program in NYC to become a gemologist (because, the jeweler he always goes to in the Caribbean said that he makes 70-80k a year before commission and once you get a degree you're in high demand. Seeing a pattern here?
During this time he has done next to nothing to seek gainful interim employment. He told our mother that he's applied for 20 jobs, but I'd be surprised if it was more than 10. Instead, he spends most of his time driving to our childhood home that our parents are trying to sell mid-messy-divorce and swimming laps in the pool, then going home to do god knows what. He drives a 40k car that he mostly paid for with his trust fund (which, by my estimate, will last another year or two tops with no extra income), pays for his rent and living out of the fund, and generally does nothing but bitch about how our father is a terrible person and won't get him a job through his contacts "like all of his friends' parents."
Long story short, my brother is a directionless almost-27 year old with no sense of reality, no accountability, and no real work experience (he had two retail jobs before college that he got fired from within a few weeks when he was in his early 20s). He and my father no longer speak, and my mother avoids the conflict and praises him for making "progress." I have conversations with him every few weeks that turn into fights because I bring all of this up.
I'm sure there's really nothing I can do, but I was hoping to get some feedback from anyone who's been through something similar. How do you get someone like this to see how unreasonable they're being? Can someone his age realistically hand a company his resume and expect them to read it? How do I stop being this judgmental?
It just frustrates me. I feel like he's very slowly ruining his life, and making everyone around him miserable in the process. Help.
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Grundlestiltskin on
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Honestly? I'd let him run through that money and crash and burn. Maybe then he'll realize it's time to get his shit together. I mean, it's not like he's actually doing anything that bad besides being whiney. It's his life, let him lead it. Stop discussing it with him. It's only making things worse and weakening whatever relationship you already have.
Sorry, I didn't mean to imply anything negative about starting or ending school late. It was more the pattern of behavior with him specifically, and the fact that after graduating his plan is to go back for more (not because he wants to do something in particular, but because he heard it's easy to make money once you go).
You're probably right, it just gives me a headache listening to it from my parents. I could just ignore my family altogether, but I'm trying to avoid that.
I mean, his priorities are definitely askew, but like you said, there's not much to be done about it. I know it's hard to bite your tongue, but it's gonna be necessary. Maybe you and your dad can vent about it together?
I do vent to my dad a bit, though we're on rocky ground as well due to the aforementioned divorce. It's just a whole lot of family drama all around :?
I agree with this part in particular. From what you've told, he's always had the benefit of having his parents supporting him. He probably needs to have that support run out, and be forced to fend for himself. Speaking from experience, the fear felt from the realization that you have nothing else you can rely on can be a great motivator to flesh out and commit to a course of action.
love your brother and attempt to refrain from judgment against him
there is precious little else you can accomplish
My brother was supposed to graduate this spring but failed too many classes, so my parents are going to get him pay for an apartment so that he can live and finish his degree in the same place where his girlfriend is going to grad school. And I admit it's *killing me* because I can't live in the same place as my boyfriend for 3-4 years because we're both crazy focused on our careers right now. And there's also the issue of getting attention from your parents. My brother whined about needing a new computer for weeks, so of course he got a $1200 gaming desktop for Christmas, while my sister and I who don't really ask for anything got these weird girly iPhone cases (even though neither of us have iPhones).
But here's the thing -- I've worked hard enough at this point that I could go out and buy myself a $1200 computer with my own money if that's what I really wanted. You don't mention if this is an older or younger brother, but even if you're not living independently yet, eventually you can and you will. In any case your brother's choices won't really affect you much (unless your parents are pulling their retirement money to fund your brother or something but it seems like you guys are pretty well-off).
So the best thing to do is try to figure out why this is making you upset, and try to give to yourself whatever it is that he has that you want. If you want attention from your parents, call them up and tell them something cool you did recently. If you're jealous of his free time, give yourself a weekend where you do nothing but sit on your butt and play games. If you want a new car, start saving up for it. At least you're capable of giving yourself what your brother needs your parents to give him.