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Relationships and porn

Romero ZombieRomero Zombie Registered User regular
edited February 2012 in Help / Advice Forum
So a bit of history, married for almost six years, together nine and two kids. Love my wife more than anything and we have what I consider to be a pretty active and satisfying sex life all things considering. Recently, my wife went to pick up my phone to check something online and I had left it on my most recent browsing window, online porn.

Needless to say, my wife got really upset. Not yelling at me angry, just cried for a while. I tried telling her numerous times it wasn't anything else to me except to get off because I was home alone and bored. She has this notion in her head though that because I'm watching porn that I'm always talking to other girls online and cheating on her. I don't think I'm anywhere near the realm of addiction, because I only watch..maybe once or twice or week at most and I've never let it interfere with my relationship or life or anything. Like I mentioned, I was home alone, bored and wanted to get off.

So she went from crying to not even talking to me and I'm at a loss here as to what to do. She is insecure about herself and thinks I watch that because it is what I want at home which just isn't true. Like I mentioned above, I love my wife and when I'm with her, I am with her, I just can't find a way to make her understand. I obviously can't go back and undo what happened and am just looking for some advice on how to handle this

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    UsagiUsagi Nah Registered User regular
    Sounds like there's a host of issues related to trust coming to light here, I think your best bet is to work with your wife and a marriage counselor to get through this

    Some women just had a really hard time understanding that their dudes and their porn and their jerking off have nothing to do with how attractive they may or may not find them, and instead jump directly to it being an insult and a distraction because she isn't satisfying you. However, if she's not willing to hear that it's just an occasional thing at it appears from your OP, a counselor is going to help you work through that.

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    MichaelLCMichaelLC In what furnace was thy brain? ChicagoRegistered User regular
    If you're not giving her any other indications of cheating, than yeah, she should probably talk to someone. That's a pretty big leap to go from porn to cheating, so unless there's more, she should talk to a professional.

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    tinwhiskerstinwhiskers Registered User regular
    Usagi nails it. For some women trying to explain the porn-relationship disconnect..its like trying to explain blue to a blind guy.

    ...It wasn't like...anything super crazy was it? Cause if it was like,oh btw honey I like Thai lady boys, then I can see there being some issues.

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    zepherinzepherin Russian warship, go fuck yourself Registered User regular
    Oh wow this is an incredibly complex issue with multiple facets of possible causation that without a close relationship with your wife it is difficult to give you useful advice.

    However this is the internet so I'll do it anyways.

    You can tackle this from a few ways, one is a simple biological example using a couple cleaver straw men arguments to sound convincing. Something along the lines of men get erections 4-6 times in a day and your not around, so to alleviate pressure I treat myself to a little me time, and reduce tenderness and pain that can be caused by an erection. Men are also visual creatures and having a visual stimulus makes the masturbation faster and more efficient. Your wife simply doesn't have the time to deal with the increased blood flow to your penis at the frequency that it occurs.

    Another way to tackle it is to lie to her, say for her you'll swear it off and avoid downloading anything and clearing your browser history after viewing.

    You could try to reassure her, but this may be one of those instances where nothing you can do is going to be the right thing to say in that regard.

    And who cares if you watch once or twice a week, once or twice a day, you don't need to convince us your an addict, hell I watch porn every day because I drop a batch every day. It expedites the process. I have too much shit to do to be masturbating all day I need something to look at drop my batch and get on with my day.

    And there is the remote possibility that she is cheating on you and accusing you because of psychological projection. This is unlikely but still possible.

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    SammyFSammyF Registered User regular
    So it sounds like you recognize that communication is the only way to get past this incident, which is good. It's a bad thing if she never talks to you about it, but if she needs a day or two to sort out how she's feeling, that's not the end of the world.

    Eventually, you need her to be able to articulate what precisely is upsetting her and why. There could be a fairly rational reason this makes her feel insecure -- for many women, masturbation relies on physical and mental/emotional stimulation instead of visual stimulation, so she may be thinking that you selected pornography as a masturbatory aide when you could just as easily have thought about her. If that's where this sudden insecurity is coming from, I think that's something you'll be able to work through with some communication. If there's no direct bridge between "my husband watches porn," and "omg he must be cheating on me," though, she may have a few trust issues that you two need to work through.

    Give her a little bit and then calmly ask her to explain precisely what's making her feel this way. Make sure you validate her right to feel upset (even if it's something you want to work through) while reiterating that you didn't do this to hurt her or even that you thought it might conceivably upset her this much.

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    TayaTaya Registered User regular
    It's not uncommon for women to not understand the need for guys to look at porn. For example, even if a women who doesn't hate porn finds out her boyfriend/husband really likes anal porn and she refuses to do anal sex, she's going to feel insecure and wonder if he is getting that need filled elsewhere (aside from the porn itself). Women are also bombarded with the message that men are sex-obsessed and will cheat at any time for any reason. Some fall for that misconception harder than others.

    There's really nothing you can do except explain that looking at porn is just something men do to help with masturbation and nothing more. If it's really an issue, I suggest finding some reading material on the subject of men's sexuality.

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    sacreandprofanesacreandprofane Registered User regular
    edited February 2012
    Usagi wrote:
    Sounds like there's a host of issues related to trust coming to light here, I think your best bet is to work with your wife and a marriage counselor to get through this

    Some women just had a really hard time understanding that their dudes and their porn and their jerking off have nothing to do with how attractive they may or may not find them, and instead jump directly to it being an insult and a distraction because she isn't satisfying you. However, if she's not willing to hear that it's just an occasional thing at it appears from your OP, a counselor is going to help you work through that.

    Have been through this before, so I totally get it. Usagi gets it too. What Usagi lists above are some of the things going on in her head. Since this relates to your sex-life and is something she didn't know you did and then accidentally found-out about, this probably shook her trust in you; she might think that you intended to keep this a secret from her and she wonders what you have to hide. Her head was probably spinning after.

    Communication is key; you should lay it out on the table for her like you've begun to do for us so that she can begin to understand that this has nothing to do with her not being able to attend to your needs properly or satisfy you well (sexually, etc). She will probably need a day or two and consult her friends about it (if this is "normal"), but she probably sincerely wants to understand why you use porn, so be prepared to tell her why. You should be honest and very open with her. Hopefully she will listen to you and come to understand. If she is still troubled after it is wise to seek a counselor.

    sacreandprofane on
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    Iceman.USAFIceman.USAF Major East CoastRegistered User regular
    edited February 2012
    I haven't seen it said yet but I may have missed it, but a part of this also stems from her self-esteem and sense of self worth in relation to you and your relationship with her.

    She may see you as "wanting" those women, potentially in a more than physical sense because they're prettier/hotter/etc than she is.

    I've not had much experience counseling, but typically when someone makes a leap between two things like that there's *something* else going on.

    Not to say she's going behind your back, but maybe she's had some kind of experience with this before? Perhaps an ex did something similiar and you just stumbled into it?

    Iceman.USAF on
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    NakedZerglingNakedZergling A more apocalyptic post apocalypse Portland OregonRegistered User regular
    Honestly i'm surprised you've been together so long and never had something like this happen before!
    Lets face it. Some people just are NOT into porn for a host of reasons. Maybe it's religion, upbringing, scared, sexual abuse, insecure, etc etc.
    I think many men (and women) enjoy porn, and i personally see nothing wrong with it. Some people make the insane leap that looking at porn is somehow the same as cheating which BLOWS MY MIND. Or some people will call i t "emotional cheating" which i can't even wrap my head around that concept.
    I think you need to let her be upset, and then try to have a rational talk with her and/or a professional. The more openly you two can talk about sex, desires, fantasies, likes and dislikes, the closer you can get. Let her realize that the porn and your feelings have NOTHING to do with each other.

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    KistraKistra Registered User regular
    You have also been together for 9 years and apparently haven't discussed porn and masturbation habits before. Part of the problem might be that she feels like you have been very successfully hiding this from her so you could be hiding anything from her. Is there a particular reason you guys haven't talked this sort of stuff before now?

    The hiding part is what would upset me if I found something like this out about my husband, not the porn specifically. I don't know how well I would articulate that initially and would need some time by myself to sort of my feelings. When you say she went from crying to not talking to you, is this on a time scale of the last two hours? two days? two weeks? The first one, give her more space, the second maybe try to ask her if she is ready to talk, the last tell her that you really want to talk and hear more about how she feels.

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    The Crowing OneThe Crowing One Registered User regular
    I've been in this sort of position myself, and have also absorbed a good deal on this topic from people like Dan Savage. Generally speaking, there are a whole host of things that could be the bottom-line issue at play, but the larger picture tends to be a bit simpler in structure.

    The issue is pretty much, on a larger level, surrounding what Kistra pointed out:
    Kistra wrote:
    The hiding part is what would upset me if I found something like this out about my husband, not the porn specifically.

    It often comes down to communication. I have to assume that you are your wife, Romero, aren't the most open and adventurous sexual couple. When this happened to me (at a far less severe reaction from my then-partner) was a mixture of her anxiety that I wasn't happy with her in the bedroom (the "Why can't I be enough for you?") and, on top of that, that I was, intentionally or otherwise, hiding it from her (the "What else have you been doing?").

    In all honesty, I would venture a guess that, perhaps, your sex life has suffered over the last nine years after careers and kids. This happens to everyone.

    While I can't specifically comment on the how-to-fix-this-now angle, the larger picture probably includes a more robust sex life with your wife and a more involved process of keeping your own browsing habits a bit more private. Dan Savage likes to point out that the "we're both going to pretend this doesn't happen" is the most common result. Seriously, hide it better and give your wife more attention, sexually. This isn't a one-sided issue, and you need to address and discuss why this bothers your wife so much and why you feel the need to keep porn open on your phone/desktop/holodeck. You have every "right" to watch porn now and then, but you need to take your wife's opinion and feelings into account.

    In the end, it comes to communication and honesty. This is another one of those situations where the solution is likely to be more about opening lines of communication and keeping them open than about anything concrete.

    And dude, really. Be more careful. Then have awesomely passionate sex with your wife.

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    NoisymunkNoisymunk Registered User regular
    @The Crowing One Now you just confused the poor guy even more, telling him it's about "communication and honestly" while also saying he should hide his porn better.

    To the OP, my heart just goes out to you. As Usagi said, you both need some marriage counseling, and I sincerely hope you find a sex-positive marriage counselor that won't heap more blame and shame on your shoulders.
    Man, 7 years of marriage and I just don't know what to say to help ease some of the regret you're feeling. Both I and my wife enjoy porn, and we have a lovely relationship together. I want to say, It's not your fault, you were not in the wrong, your wife has a problem and this needs to be worked out with the guiding hand of a professional.

    Now, if she should be miffed about anything, it should be about this:
    You have two kids. Five year olds (and even younger) are becoming smart-phone savvy and computer savvy, even if YOU are not! Keep that browser history clean!



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    Drake ChambersDrake Chambers Lay out my formal shorts. Registered User regular
    What I found helpful was explaining the need to masturbate as a basic biological function, like going to the bathroom. I don't announce when I'm pooping and I close the bathroom door when I do it -- that doesn't mean I'm hiding it from her. It's just a private activity.

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    The Crowing OneThe Crowing One Registered User regular
    edited February 2012
    Noisymunk wrote:
    @The Crowing One Now you just confused the poor guy even more, telling him it's about "communication and honestly" while also saying he should hide his porn better.

    I honestly don't consider the two to be mutually exclusive.

    Edit: I'm not suggesting that "hiding" is really the best way to avoid conflict, it was a poor choice of wording. There are always things that we do that cause problems but which aren't problems themselves. My partner hates it when I'm on the road and I go out drinking with my coworkers and call her late to say g'night. After the first few times, it was simply better, if I went out, to go to sleep and call her in the morning. This is similar in that if porn isn't a problem for Romero then make it a non-issue through being careful not to subject his wife to it.

    Think of it like someone who is allergic to perfume. It doesn't mean that someone would stop wearing fragrance, just that when one is around that specific person you would do your best not to be too heavily scented.

    And that isn't a solution, it's a workaround. The solution is hopefully to have honest communication that is productive. It won't be "oh honey, go watch as much porn as you want!" but it may absolutely help to bring understanding and exchange to what sounds like a really one-sided issue. Neither party here is right or wrong insomuch that it is about consideration and understanding. We all change our habits when we're living with other people, and that goes even further for marriages.

    The Crowing One on
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    EggyToastEggyToast Jersey CityRegistered User regular
    What I found helpful was explaining the need to masturbate as a basic biological function, like going to the bathroom. I don't announce when I'm pooping and I close the bathroom door when I do it -- that doesn't mean I'm hiding it from her. It's just a private activity.

    This. Most people hide porn and masturbation because they don't want to look at porn and masturbate in front of other people. Most people do not masturbate as a social activity, and like most things involving genitals, most people do not want to blast that kind of information or visuals all over the place.

    Masturbation is natural, and while porn has varying levels of acceptance, neither are talked about publicly with any regularity. So, when exposed to it, most people are caught off guard. Whether it's a partner or a best friend, it's, like Drake said, similar to learning something very intimate about someone, and that can be jarring.

    For the OP, if your wife has never really been exposed to porn at all, maybe explaining a bit about why you view it and what it is that stimulates you may help. If you have a happy sex life, perhaps emphasize that you don't use porn because you're unhappy in the bedroom, and that you don't masturbate because you're unhappy, but rather that you are sometimes alone and feel horny but don't want to jump on your wife as soon as she gets home. And perhaps also emphasize that just because you masturbate doesn't mean you won't have sex with her, even if it's the same day or same evening.

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    Romero ZombieRomero Zombie Registered User regular
    Thanks for the advice guys - finally got to talk to her after an uncomfortable dinner and some TV time with the family. She had a couple of ex boyfriends prior to me who would constantly compare her to girls in porn and say she isn't like them which gives her a negative association.

    I was up front and honest with her, even when she asked if this was the first time I've watched it, which it clearly wasn't. It was just difficult for her to understand that just because I masterbate/watch porn doesn't mean I love her any less. I try to be affectionate and physical with her whenever I can. Hopefully time will heal though

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    DjeetDjeet Registered User regular
    Fundamentally she is not respecting your desire and enjoyment of your own imagination/fantasy, and that's not fair of her. If you aren't fucking or otherwise in a relationship with another person then you aren't cheating on her. Beating it to a video of some random woman you don't know does not constitute a relationship.

    The problem is you aren't going to even be able to get to that part of the conversation because she's all hung up on other shit (self-image issues, perhaps traditional or stereotyped mores on sexuality, maybe other trust issues, and apparently total dickhead ex-boyfriends).


    I guess there's no chance she would watch porn with you? It's awesome.

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    SammyFSammyF Registered User regular
    Djeet wrote:
    Fundamentally she is not respecting your desire and enjoyment of your own imagination/fantasy, and that's not fair of her. If you aren't fucking or otherwise in a relationship with another person then you aren't cheating on her. Beating it to a video of some random woman you don't know does not constitute a relationship.

    As a general rule of thumb, people who approach new areas of contention in relationship with the mentality that it's not OUR problem, it's HER problem don't need relationship advice, they need legal advice. If you get up in arms about your God-given right to choke the chicken while invalidating her emotional response, you're going to both entrench in intractable defensive postures, which may eventually lead to you masturbating a whole lot more frequently than you do already.

    I guess there's no chance she would watch porn with you? It's awesome.

    This, on the other hand, might be good advice depending on your wife's viewpoints on pornography. Making pornography something you share together might make it easier for her to disassociate it with the idea of you being secretive about it.

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    finalflight89finalflight89 Registered User regular
    edited February 2012
    Here's a letter written in to Dan Savage's relationships column that may be of use. There are better ones, but this is the first I found. In essence, all men look at porn. If the woman isn't able to reconcile her insecurities, then it's only considerate for the man to be discreet (which you seem to be doing well).
    Dan Savage wrote:
    My boyfriend looks at porn and it freaks me out. It's not because I'm jealous, but because I'm insecure. I'm sure many of those girls are more attractive than me. In general, Dan, you've been really insensitive toward people (girls, I guess) who feel strange about porn. I think that was unnecessary because you have to see, even if it is flawed, where we are coming from. Any words illuminating this interest in porn would be helpful in my getting past this.

    Average Girl

    All men look at porn--men with hot girlfriends, men with dumpy girlfriends, men with 10 girlfriends, men with no girlfriends. The handful of men who claim they don't look at porn are liars or castrates. Tearful discussions about your insecurities or your feminist principles will not stop a man from looking at porn. That's why the best advice for straight women is this: GET OVER IT. If you don't want to be with someone who looks at porn--if you can't handle it, AG--get a woman, get a dog, or get a blind guy. I'm sorry if you think that's insensitive--no, wait: I'm not sorry. I sincerely believe that "Get over it" is the best possible advice for women bothered by porn. While men shouldn't rub their female partners' noses in the fact that they look at porn--that's just inconsiderate--telling women that the porn "problem" can be resolved though good communication, couples counseling, or a chat with your pastor is neither helpful nor realistic.

    But, hey, you want compassion, AG, and compassion you're going to get: I sent your letter along to David Loftus, author of Watching Sex: How Men Really Respond to Pornography.

    "Her letter is sweet," says Loftus. "Unlike other women, she admits to her own insecurity instead of attacking her boyfriend. It is common for women to think their men are comparing them to the gals in porn, but believe me, we don't. Men are much simpler than that: We enjoy looking. When we regard a passing Porsche with awe, it doesn't mean we really want to own one or that we hate our little Honda." So you're a Honda, AG--I hope this compassion stuff is making you feel better. Moving along, Loftus wonders why women who feel insecure about men looking at porn don't feel insecure when their men leave the house. "The women he sees on the street every day," says Loftus, "are far more accessible than the ones on the page, his VCR, and computer screen. But it's a lot of work to get to know someone new, and we tend to like our significant other for a host of reasons besides mere looks."

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    mrt144mrt144 King of the Numbernames Registered User regular
    SammyF wrote:
    Djeet wrote:
    Fundamentally she is not respecting your desire and enjoyment of your own imagination/fantasy, and that's not fair of her. If you aren't fucking or otherwise in a relationship with another person then you aren't cheating on her. Beating it to a video of some random woman you don't know does not constitute a relationship.

    As a general rule of thumb, people who approach new areas of contention in relationship with the mentality that it's not OUR problem, it's HER problem don't need relationship advice, they need legal advice. If you get up in arms about your God-given right to choke the chicken while invalidating her emotional response, you're going to both entrench in intractable defensive postures, which may eventually lead to you masturbating a whole lot more frequently than you do already.

    I guess there's no chance she would watch porn with you? It's awesome.

    This, on the other hand, might be good advice depending on your wife's viewpoints on pornography. Making pornography something you share together might make it easier for her to disassociate it with the idea of you being secretive about it.

    Seriously, I just kept re-reading djeets advice as "Fuck that bitch, you need to jack it to porn, her feelings be damned.

    In a relationship, problems are not relegated to just one person and going about it that way just leads to madness.

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    DjeetDjeet Registered User regular
    Well I guess I should have rephrased it then because that was not my intended message. I don't see where I said anyone's feelings should be ignored, but whatever.

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    SammyFSammyF Registered User regular
    edited February 2012
    Yeah I'm sure he didn't mean it to come across like that, it just accidentally did. I think anyone who takes a step back to look at the issue, though, realizes that it's the stupidest fucking thing in the world to go out of your way to pick a fight with your sexual partner over your own masturbation habits. That's like deleting all of your favorite computer games out of spite just because someone caught you playing a quick hand of Spider Solitaire.

    EDIT:
    Djeet wrote:
    Well I guess I should have rephrased it then because that was not my intended message. I don't see where I said anyone's feelings should be ignored, but whatever.

    So here's the problem: when you approach a disagreement with the mentality that someone is "not respecting" you and that the way she's reacting is "not fair of her," you are automatically putting her in a position where she has to defend why the way she's reacting is not disrespectful and unfair. That's what I mean when I say that your approach invalidates her feelings -- you're requiring her to justify her emotional response as well as challenging her by suggesting that she has less of a right to that emotional response than the OP has to masturbating. Approaching ANY disagreement like this is a recipe for a non-productive, nasty confrontation.

    You're much better off validating your partner's right to her reaction so that she feels comfortable explaining why she feels the way she does. When both sides can articulate their positions openly, common ground can be established, and unfounded fears can be allayed.

    SammyF on
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    FiggyFiggy Fighter of the night man Champion of the sunRegistered User regular
    An hour ago, when I first saw this thread, I was going to post more or less with finalfight posted in that quote, minus the carnalogy(TM).

    Men are looking at porn because it's a visual stimulant to aid in masturbation. We're not thinking about the women on the screen any more than we're thinking about the men alongside them. I know you can't just tell your girlfriend to "get over it," but I think a "don't ask, don't tell" situation is how most couples handle it.

    After all, I'm with Savage in that 99% of men masturbate, yet 99% of their women aren't really upset about it.

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    IrukaIruka Registered User, Moderator mod
    If your girlfriend expresses an interest in porn, and is at all nerdy, There are alot of female comic artists who have a little less of the male gaze in their sex stories. If she can find her own fantasies/porn, she might be more able to understand where you're coming from, but I wouldn't look to mainstream porn to make her feel better. Perhaps even watch some gay porn together, if you think eliminating the girl would help and it doesn't make you, (or her, for that matter) uncomfortable.

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    FiggyFiggy Fighter of the night man Champion of the sunRegistered User regular
    Iruka wrote:
    If your girlfriend expresses an interest in porn, and is at all nerdy, There are alot of female comic artists who have a little less of the male gaze in their sex stories. If she can find her own fantasies/porn, she might be more able to understand where you're coming from, but I wouldn't look to mainstream porn to make her feel better. Perhaps even watch some gay porn together, if you think eliminating the girl would help and it doesn't make you, (or her, for that matter) uncomfortable.

    I'm really not getting that bolded bit. Why would that somehow make it easier for her? Further, how is that even a solution if it does? I'm assuming the OP is heterosexual and has no interest in watching two men having anal sex, so why would the two of them watching it together accomplish anything?

    If anything, the OP's girlfriend might be more comfortable watching softcore pornography or perhaps "female friendly," which as I understand it is basically a step up from softcore.

    Still, I really, really, really doubt that the OP's girlfriend is going to be receptive to watching porn together at all.

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    mrt144mrt144 King of the Numbernames Registered User regular
    Figgy wrote:
    Iruka wrote:
    If your girlfriend expresses an interest in porn, and is at all nerdy, There are alot of female comic artists who have a little less of the male gaze in their sex stories. If she can find her own fantasies/porn, she might be more able to understand where you're coming from, but I wouldn't look to mainstream porn to make her feel better. Perhaps even watch some gay porn together, if you think eliminating the girl would help and it doesn't make you, (or her, for that matter) uncomfortable.

    I'm really not getting that bolded bit. Why would that somehow make it easier for her? Further, how is that even a solution if it does? I'm assuming the OP is heterosexual and has no interest in watching two men having anal sex, so why would the two of them watching it together accomplish anything?

    If anything, the OP's girlfriend might be more comfortable watching softcore pornography or perhaps "female friendly," which as I understand it is basically a step up from softcore.

    Still, I really, really, really doubt that the OP's girlfriend is going to be receptive to watching porn together at all.

    It's the Michael Scott school of thought - make some uncomfortable for one person uncomfortable for everyone.

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    IrukaIruka Registered User, Moderator mod
    edited February 2012
    Casual suggestion. It worked for me when I was originally pretty uncomfortable with most strait porn. Granted, my track record with boyfriends has now tended towards ones that are BI, but I, and some other female friends that I have, consume gay porn rather than strait. I wasn't saying he should go find giant burly dudes if that will make him uncomfortable, but I'm not making any assumptions about him, either.

    I dont recall telling the OP to do anything he wouldn't feel comfortable with, and I prefaced with "if she expresses an interest in".

    My point was mostly that, dont assume she wants to watch the majority of online porn, and depending on her personality, she might just find softcore weird and cheesy, like I did. But there are other avenues to pursue, if she expresses an interest and doesn't know where to go, I think comics are a fine start. Its actually where alot of teenage girls with the internet get there porn.

    Iruka on
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    DjeetDjeet Registered User regular
    The history with her ex's comparing her to pornstars negatively (WTF?) means you're going to have to be extra sensitive with your own word choice and her reactions if you want to talk about this with her, as any body image issues she might have due to her comparing herself negatively w/r/to her peers or big media imagery have been validated by those ex's.

    Without having a discussion as to why she responds the way she does to this new information, and recasting the activity away from it being perceived as cheating or seeking to cheat behavior I also think it unlikely she's going to want to watch porn. It could be seeing other naked women makes her self-conscious about her own body and that overpowers any sexual stimulation she may get from it. Maybe she views all women she considers more attractive to herself as a threat. Regardless if you want to approach possibly sharing the experience with her you're going to have to approach it with a lot more circumspection than with someone who doesn't have her history.

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    FiggyFiggy Fighter of the night man Champion of the sunRegistered User regular
    First, re-reading your comments I see it's your wife, and I believe I said 'girlfriend' a few times. My apologies.

    What I'm concerned with is this:
    She had a couple of ex boyfriends prior to me who would constantly compare her to girls in porn and say she isn't like them which gives her a negative association.

    I just don't see that. One ex boyfriend, maybe. But more than one? Was she picking up guys at Douchebags R Us? What are the chances that even one guy would behave this way toward his girlfriend, let alone two?

    I'm just thinking that she is genuinely really upset by this and she can't quite reason out why, so she's giving you this line in an effort to make you sympathize. I mean, it doesn't really matter in the end, but I think it's interesting that she would offer this up if my hunch is correct.

    Who the hell compares their girlfriends to porn stars? What the fuck?

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    Romero ZombieRomero Zombie Registered User regular
    Ya...i know her ex boyfriends and they were/are collosal ass holes. Ideas to get her to watch porn are out of the question. I just hope time willwlet her get over it. It has been a rough day she has barely spoken to me

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    SammyFSammyF Registered User regular
    edited February 2012
    Yeah some individual women seem naturally predisposed towards selecting really, really shitty mates. Usually low self esteem or personal insecurity is a necessary component of the psychology that gravitates towards that sort of boyfriend, so if a woman told me during the process of expressing an emotional insecurity that she'd been through the same cycle more than once, that wouldn't really make me bat an eye.

    A self-confident, emotionally secure woman will totally wreck any guy stupid enough to utter a sentence like, "I wish you were more like Chasey Lain," before walking out the door without looking back. You wouldn't be having this problem with her down the road.

    ...Not to imply anything insulting about your wife or about yourself, Romero. I'm sure you're the exception that proves the rule about her past relationships, and also it sounds like she's trying to own her feelings about this issue, which is actually better than her trying to squelch them and pretending that they don't matter. What I'm saying is that you shouldn't be as automatically predisposed towards the assumption that your wife's acting in bad faith as others have suggested. Nothing about this sounds so implausible that you should challenge it.

    SammyF on
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    NoisymunkNoisymunk Registered User regular
    Ya...i know her ex boyfriends and they were/are collosal ass holes. Ideas to get her to watch porn are out of the question. I just hope time willwlet her get over it. It has been a rough day she has barely spoken to me

    There's a couple of ladies here who have had to deal with abusive boyfriends. I dunno, maybe they can help your wife a little with some advice about healing.

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    ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    My advice is to keep being as attentive as ever and show her you love her when you can. Hopefully you two can sit down and actually communicate about this, and if you give her a heartfelt request for that communication so you two can both express yourselves on the matter, I'm sure she'll oblige.

    This is nothing at all to most of us, and we all make our share of dick jokes from time to time, but if it's not something she likes or does and her exes have been jerks about it then this may just take her a little time.

    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
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    UsagiUsagi Nah Registered User regular
    Ya...i know her ex boyfriends and they were/are collosal ass holes. Ideas to get her to watch porn are out of the question. I just hope time willwlet her get over it. It has been a rough day she has barely spoken to me

    So I'm not trying to be extremely pro-therapy up ins, but if she's a) had a history of shitty/possibly abusive mates, and b) not really talking to you at all much less willing to talk about this, then having a neutral, non-threatening third party for her to talk to would be a really smart thing.

    Not talking about it and hoping it's just gonna blow over aren't really options here.

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    DemerdarDemerdar Registered User regular
    edited February 2012
    You need to address your communication issues sooner rather than later. Has this happened before?

    That is, a complete shut down in communication?

    Demerdar on
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    Romero ZombieRomero Zombie Registered User regular
    No...we've never really had this happen since we've been together which is nuts I know. We just don't fight, kind of our first big one. She seemed ok tonight, at least speaking to me and asking how I'm doing. I have a feeling she is just pretending the whole thing didn't happen though

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    ToxTox I kill threads he/himRegistered User regular
    Yeah, you two probably need to talk to somebody. Nine years and your first fight is this big, huge blowout over some porn?

    Something is off.

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    RadicalTurnipRadicalTurnip Registered User regular
    I got a bit bored reading "Yeah, she has problems, you should get her to let you look at porn" so maybe somebody has taken this stance and I accidentally scanned through it...but I have heard part of this advice before, but not the second half... you could tell her that you won't be looking at porn anymore... and then *not look at porn anymore*.

    You have to find what works for you and it can be difficult to quit, but you have an active sex life (as you said) and you masturbate "when your bored" so if you can find something else to occupy your time, you can probably go for a few days dry-spell every now and then. Maybe explain to your wife the situation and ask her to help alleviate any pressure that may be building up over a long spell.

    Of course...all of this comes after the resolution of your current problem. As others have said she needs to be loved and reassured of her primary spot in your love-life and sex-life. It will likely suck for you and take a lot of time to rebuild that trust, but it'll probably also be worth it.

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    RocketSauceRocketSauce Registered User regular
    No...we've never really had this happen since we've been together which is nuts I know. We just don't fight, kind of our first big one. She seemed ok tonight, at least speaking to me and asking how I'm doing. I have a feeling she is just pretending the whole thing didn't happen though

    You weren't flaunting pornography in her face, you weren't comparing her to pornstars, you weren't openly masturbating in front of her. You shouldn't feel shame or guilt over this.

    She's projecting her insecurities on to you, and all you can be is reassuring and supportive. But otherwise, carry on as usual.

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    EuphoriacEuphoriac Registered User regular
    edited February 2012
    I couldn't imagine giving up masturbation entirely. Sure, like everyhing else in life we should strive NOT to do it in excess, but if a partner tried to demand that of me, i'd ask them to try never scratching an itchy ankle, or flexing a sore/achy muscle. Because to me, it's THAT kind of relief mechanism. There is ZERO emotional connection or cause. I'm not masturbating to feel loved.

    Also, i'd use porn because it gets the 'itch' scratched faster. Would you ask someone to use a pinky nail to scratch a back itch when what they REALLY want to do is rake all their fingers across? No, that would be pointless.

    To be clear, an itch is only different in that the urgency to masturbate is less immediate.

    Euphoriac on
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