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Second chance at a relationship thread...
Reginald
When I am Pres., I will createthe Department of ______Registered User regular
When I am Pres., I will createthe Department of ______Registered User regular
I need some outside advice on a situation and know there are some good people on here. Here goes:
I got engaged to a girl after only knowing her for 2 months, and moved in with her after only 6 months. What can I say, head over heels, absolutely no rational thought involved. Obviously, things did not go very well. After 2 years together, we were both completely co-dependent, I was drinking way too much, she was constantly sick, and we were no longer doing the things that make us "us" (playing music, further education, etc.) We started to resent the fact that we moved so quickly, and I realized if there was any chance at happiness, we needed to both grow a bit first.
So I did the deal, I broke up with the girl and moved to Portland. 8 months go by. I am now a successful mathematician at Nike, I am in metal band that plays local shows, and I am much happier and healthier than I was previously. Same story for *Hildegarde, in terms of success. I should be happy and move on, right? But...
I can't get the girl out of my head. I've tried dating other girls, tried staying in all weekend and reading books to further my knowledge, but *Hildegarde's pretty much there at the back of my head, always. I just recently restarted communication with her, and it has turned into long conversations where we both can't stop talking. So I am realizing, I would rebuild everything I have in Portland, just to be in Los Angeles and have her in my life. I know I can do it too. But I have to do it right.
So here comes the H&A: Have any of you folks tried to rekindle an old relationship that failed? I am about 90% certain that my relationship failed because we were going about 900% too fast, but the point is still there...it didn't work out once, how can I come at it this time to give our relationship a healthy chance? I am planning on looking for a job in SoCal, setting myself up, and taking her out on dates while I am interviewing.
Thanks
*Names have been changed to ensure anonymity.
I got engaged to a girl after only knowing her for 2 months, and moved in with her after only 6 months. What can I say, head over heels, absolutely no rational thought involved. Obviously, things did not go very well. After 2 years together, we were both completely co-dependent, I was drinking way too much, she was constantly sick, and we were no longer doing the things that make us "us" (playing music, further education, etc.) We started to resent the fact that we moved so quickly, and I realized if there was any chance at happiness, we needed to both grow a bit first.
So I did the deal, I broke up with the girl and moved to Portland. 8 months go by. I am now a successful mathematician at Nike, I am in metal band that plays local shows, and I am much happier and healthier than I was previously. Same story for *Hildegarde, in terms of success. I should be happy and move on, right? But...
I can't get the girl out of my head. I've tried dating other girls, tried staying in all weekend and reading books to further my knowledge, but *Hildegarde's pretty much there at the back of my head, always. I just recently restarted communication with her, and it has turned into long conversations where we both can't stop talking. So I am realizing, I would rebuild everything I have in Portland, just to be in Los Angeles and have her in my life. I know I can do it too. But I have to do it right.
So here comes the H&A: Have any of you folks tried to rekindle an old relationship that failed? I am about 90% certain that my relationship failed because we were going about 900% too fast, but the point is still there...it didn't work out once, how can I come at it this time to give our relationship a healthy chance? I am planning on looking for a job in SoCal, setting myself up, and taking her out on dates while I am interviewing.
Thanks
*Names have been changed to ensure anonymity.
Reginald on
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Okay, down to brass tacks:
So here's kind of what I'm seeing as the main problem, buddy: you think the problem with the relationship the first go 'round was that you moved way too fucking fast, but at the same time, you've only just recently started talking to Hilde again, and you're already thinking about uprooting your entire life and moving 1,000 miles south to be with her.
I think maybe we shouldn't be talking about Hilde at all right now. I think we should actually be talking about you and whatever it is that's got you in such a serious hurry to be in a relationship.
There isn't anything inherently wrong with rekindling with an ex (though it doesn't go well the majority of the time. Usually if there were problems before, there will still be problems later) but from what you just described, it sounds like you'll be making the same mistake twice.
Don't throw away what you have just to be with her. If you can get some middle ground, fly out there like, every other weekend or something (with your job, I would imagine that isn't too much of a monetary stress) and see where it leads. But make sure you take your time, this time.
Do not just throw everything that you currently have away for one girl.
So some more facts:
I have been in 2 relationships since I have moved up to Portland. Both didn't work out well, both because I was completely hung up about this other girl. Both with girls that I would completely call stand up human beings.
I have heard from some other friends that I should be focusing on myself right now, give it time. Maybe I need the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind treatment. The good news is my contract at Nike isn't up until April, and my townhouse here is the same, so at least until then I am stuck pondering. I have already been asked to come on full-time though, haha. Hilde is talking about coming up and seeing me in the meantime. I would both love and hate that, based off of the fact that I am not 100% set up here yet. Most of my stuff is still in Los Angeles, actually. Talk about not moving on, in a literal fashion.
This is also throwing out another red flag for me. Your OP suggests that you've been single and living in Portland for all of eight months, and within that eight month period, you say you've already been through two different relationships? After you just broke up with your former fiance with whom you'd been living together for more than a year?
I was serious earlier when I said that we should probably have a thread just about you before we even start to think about Hilde, dude. I understand that you feel a little uncomfortable posting on H/A, so if you don't want to talk about it, I can respect that, but it sounds to me like you have some sort of compulsion against being single, and I think you'll probably be a happier human being in the long run if you can figure out why.
The first relationship happened when I first moved here, with a girl that I have known for a while, but never really thought about in that way. She had also broken up with a guy recently. Commiseration, I guess, but altogether not well advised. We both came to the same conclusion almost immediately, and are still friends and talk at least weekly. The second one was about a month ago, and didn't work out because I was obviously still hung up.
So, maybe therapy, and some professional advice. I'm not sure I'll like the answer, or even accept it. This girl has my heart right now...
I know it feels like that right now. Here's the thing, though: you're focusing on everything that's happened after breaking up with Hilde, but this predisposition to dive into a relationship too deep and too fast obviously predates ever meeting Hilde, right? It would have to since it's what ruined your first attempt at a relationship with her in the first place.
So I obviously know nothing about Hilde. Maybe she's awesome. Maybe she's a total trainwreck. But let's take for granted just for the moment that she is your soulmate or whatever, and that the feelings you have for her right now are both completely sincere and totally rational. Even if we take that for granted, wouldn't you owe it both to her and to yourself to spend a little time trying to figure out what from your past or your psyche is driving this particular social compulsion? Once you figure it out, it'll help you develop a more-mature relationship with Hilde in the future if you still feel like that's what you want.
Oh, and sorry if the phrase "red flag" made you feel defensive. I only mean that it got my attention. Please believe that I am not attempting to be judgmental or critical of you. I'm only trying to help you with your stated goal of trying to give your future relationships a healthy chance; I just happen to think that you're not quite asking the right questions yet about why your previous attempts didn't succeed.
After you watched that...
1) Reflect on what when wrong when you are in a relationship with Hildegarde.
2) Ask yourself this honest question: Will you repeat the same mistake again if you have another shot at her?
3) ???
4): Profit.
My line of thinking in terms of your current issue is that there's gotta be something more to what went wrong between you and Hildgarde. The fact that you were head over heels over that girl and got engaged with her after you've only been with her for 2 months only means you can't think straight when you are with her. That could also be a positive.
Basically that's your body telling you that she's perfectly compatible, at least physically. There's been a lot of scientific study into how physical attraction works. The tingling sense that you get when you kiss someone is actually the body telling you that her saliva has anti-bodies that you don't have and that your offspring will have a more variety of antibodies increasing their immunity against disease. The way human judge beauty is by facial symmetry; 70% variation between the two side of the face means the perfect balance between having good genes that are still mutate-able; or even the fact that when someone is attracted to another, they sweat and emit pheromone, and in return your nose picked up the sent and stimulate your brain accordingly.
the question I need to ask you is... why were you drinking too much back then? It is a result of being involved in the relationship? Could you have over-reacted the first time when you leave her, meaning that you could have undergone your dramatic life-change without actually having to leave her in the first place?
Another question is: does she feel the same way. Sure you two have been having an endlessly interesting conversation, but is she interested in actually getting back together? For example; I still talked to this girl I went out with 9 years ago. We have a lot chemistry and similar interest, and if she's willing I'll definitely give it another shot at her again. However she has made it very clear there's no chance that we'll ever get back together. So right now we are just friends and the person I go to when I need advice from a female perspective. Be prepared psychologically that she might not want to get back with you for whatever reason, and when that happens... don't do anything dumb. You'll usually regret it.
P.S. Watch 500 Days of Summer... you'll love it!.
I do know that this girl is amazing and everytime I think of her I feel happier, just by mental association. We had some great times, but our lives totally started revolving around each other (as I talk about moving 1000 miles to be back with her).
I do think it is best for both of us to really think about things before making drastic decisions. I don't want to hurt either of us.
I could totally fly to Los Angeles, or fly her here, once every couple of weeks on my salary. Maybe that is the way to start, along with some good therapy.
Ok now it is time for that adult drink and anything but a romcom. :P
No, it's not. In fact it's counter productive. Therapy. Yes. Flying her to Portland for bi-weekly visits? Bad, bad idea.
Have you even spoken with her about this beyond her saying she wants to come up for a visit?
It's based off of you repeating mistakes, like jumping the gun. Slow and steady. You don't even know what she wants and you're already "Gonna see her every month at least twice!". Dial it back a notch, maybe have a visit, talk it over first.
I think Esh was thinking about travelling expenses. It adds up. I'm still very puzzled by American's usage of therapy. It just fascinates me that most people's answer to their problems is therapy. That's just me ofcourse and I'm going off track here.
Reginald... I wish you the best of luck. Obviously I'm neither you or Hildegard but I just feel you are still rushing into things and thinking with your heart instead of your brain. A healthy relationship does have moments where you need to cool your head and think with your brain instead. I've been as impulsive as you were once and I've learned a very painful lesson and that now I've experienced it. I wish no one would go through what I've been through.
My advice is: at least call her and let her know that you are coming. Don't try to surprise her or anything. When you do meet her, you should have a plan and a mental check list on what issue you need to bring up and questions you need to ask. I'm sure however everything will be tossed out the window as soon as you see her face.
Also... try to find time to watch 500 days of Summer before you meet her.
Also, no 500 Days of Summer. Romcoms, totally off limits, due to self-preservation instincts. Maybe I'll watch the Terminator instead. More explosions necessary.
Your current plan isn't actually all that bad. Take everything slowly and just have a "wait and see" attitude.
Again... tell her you are coming.
Also... Skype helps a lot.
I think as long as you have a plan in mind and temper your expectation, you'll be okay. Just think of her as another girl and that you two are hanging out to have fun. Don't put her on a pedestal.
Again I wish you the best of luck, I think we can wrap the thread here unless Reginald want to report in later and report his situation.
Seems like you're set in your way, and don't particularly want to see people tell you otherwise.
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Talking this stuff out has helped so far, I feel much more light-hearted.
While I'm glade that you obviously watched 500 days of summer, Minihyder...I won't go off on the guy just because he didn't want to watch a movie. Funny thing too, When I fell into my 'honey trap', I acted before I even asked for advice. Even when I asked for advise afterwards I refuse to listen to anything that didn't conform with my views.
It's not his fault. I've been there. Love just makes you crazy & blind.
Besides, as forum posters, we are here to just give advise when asked. We can't do anything if he didn't take our advice. Some people just have to learn by experience... like me.
He seems to come down to earth thou in his last reply so all we can do is pray and hope for the best.
Final note: (warning, may contain offensive material)
It's the worst idea.
I get it though. I can't really offer much advice because I got something like this too. I've been told and try to act on the idea that I should just try to get over her because I know that's obviously the better thing, but I can accept that logically yet still feel these goddamn feelings. It always goes wrong but despite me being the smartest guy I know I just can't really acknowledge that I shouldn't go down this path.
I think you should at least give it more than 8 months. I find myself sounding like a hypocrite but you wanna take a way longer break from even talking to her.
man, obviously you aren't the one asking advice here and I don't wanna sound like a dick but this is in my experience a lot of suck. though given that it's 9 years ago it's probably better.
It's not always the worst idea. Obviously we are only getting Reginald's side of the story and maybe Hildagard doesn't want to talk to him or see him at all. Or she could be all psychotic and want to get back at Reginald for leaving her in the first place. That's why I keep suggesting that Reginald called her first and let her know that he's coming. If she already have a boyfriend, or the situation changed somehow it could get awkward really really fast.
On the other hand, she might also feel the same way about Reginald and they could be together again, with a more mature and stronger relationship this time. There's really no right or wrong in this situation, but how much of the two of them are willing to give and take.
Once you accept the fact that you've been Friendzoned and decide to move on it'll sting less. That's why I want Reginald to take it slow. You don't want to invest a lot of emotions that quickly. Like I said me and that girl are friends now and we put a lot of value on that friendship. That's also why I want Reginald to watch 500 days of Summer!
@ Reginald: Almost forgot... if you are going to talk to her about the prospect of you two being together again... please be direct, clear, and concise. Let her have some time to decided on it also also.... respect whatever decision she end up taking. No means No in this situation. Don't force the issue if you got turn down for one reason or another.
For the record, I couldn't give less of a damn whether or not he watches this movie, or any movie. Mature, successful relationships seldom mirror the narrative arc of a romantic comedy. That sort of thing is cute when you're twenty, and the rollercoaster of the drama makes your head spin; by the time you're 30, you've hopefully realized that drama in a relationship isn't romantic, it's just a fucking chore. And then you find someone who has worked through all of his or her adolescent baggage, someone who communicates well and makes your life feel more stable, not less so.
Yeah, I wasn't going to mention it, but since Julius also felt compelled to bring it up: you should probably be aware that you're going to be hard-pressed to find a woman who would be willing to have a serious relationship with you if she knew that you're still holding a candle for this girl you dated nine years ago. This is the sort of drama I just alluded to. It would be romantic in a movie, but in real life, you need to be aware that it's ultimately self-destructive.
It sounds like your relationship with this girl was toxic. It's hard if not impossible to leave the past in the past and start fresh with someone. Doing it with someone who affects you as strongly as this girl does cranks the degree of difficulty up about 8000 notches. I would strongly advise against it. If you do go through with it, make sure you have a very clear and honest discussion about everything before you pack up and move.
Do not watch a movie to try to glean some deeper truth about relationships - don't be silly. What WILL help you here is a little introspection. Is this really what you want? Are you missing what you had, or is this a genuine desire to get to know the "new" her, and for her to know the "new" you, and for the "new" both of you to have a relationship? Have you sat down and talked to her about this? That may tell you a lot of what you need to know in itself.
In my experience, your thoughts turning to her isn't a bad thing. If you start to feel that "need her" pull, you're in trouble. It's better not restart while you feel that way. If this is "meant to be," it won't just go away. Give yourself a few more months of distance before you jump back in... you owe it to yourself. You can get to know her again without getting serious.
This part from Ceres's post is really key. The only way for a new relationship with this person to work is to be good without her, and then basically "refind" each other. If you cannot date other women because you're mentally obsessing about this girl, then you're not ready to get back with the girl -- even though you're obsessing about her.
I can't say this for sure, but I imagine the reason you're both talking to each other and seem to be missing each other is that you're both focusing on the good things you had, while ignoring all of the bad things. That's easy when you add distance to a relationship. But it doesn't make the bad things go away.
Now, if you two ARE working through the bad things, you could instead consider this a "break" rather than a "breakup." But we don't know what your communications entail, and if you're just making nice chitchat or if you're actually discussing what it is that drove you to breakup.
What was she always sick with?
Why were you drinking all the time?
Is she healthy now?
Are things going okay in her life when you talk?
Does she have a steady job?
Seriously, Sammy is making a lot of solid points. Take them to heart.
This is the other sticking point that I am wondering about. Moving too fast can certainly be trouble, but you are presenting it as the source of the relationship problems noted above (co-dependence, substance abuse, loss of personal identity) when it is generally a symptom of some other problem (or problems). Everyone's relationship is different, so I won't sit here and presume to know what will or won't work for you two, but it seems like there was something toxic in the previous relationship. As has been mentioned above, you really need to identify the source(s) of what went wrong before. Then, realistically establish how it won't happen again. How you do it is up to you, therapy is certainly an option, honest personal reflection, talking it out, or whatever works.
Either way, I am getting the impression you have made up your mind to some extent, and that is fine, but at the very least lay off the throttle with how you pursue this. Long distant relationships are trying, but it sounds like exactly what you may need. Your bi-weekly flight plan seems a little extreme as a starter, or the fact that you already have a set schedule in mind to be more specific, so if you are determined to give it another try, start with a single visit.
Don't start planning for months of relationship, take it a day at a time. For a year. Then, after a year of days, start thinking in terms of the future.
Yeah when I said it was the worst idea I didn't mean to say it is not possible ever, but that you shouldn't be still in love with her and basically still the same person. I don't think you can change in less than a year. Sure, you can get a job and play music and be successful and happy but that doesn't mean you've changed your personality both in and out of a relationship.
As SammyF noticed immediately, you think that you went too fast the first time yet are thinking about uprooting your entire new life to be with her again? Obviously you haven't grown in that respect. You want to be sure that the problems that existed won't come up again, and you need to be honest about it and prevent yourself from going after her just because you really want to. There are people who went very fast in a relationship without much of a problem, so there are probably deeper issues at play here. Examine them.
And also, there are two parties in a relationship. Think about whether she is ready to start over the relationship too, don't just think that just because you want to start again that it's a good idea.
Yeah but you said that you'd be willing to get with her still, which doesn't sound like you've moved on.
This is Reginald's thread first and foremost so at first I thought this doesn't warrant a response. However people keeps bringing it up so I guess I owe a bunch of people on the interwebs an explanation or some sort.
1) We haven't seen each other for 9 years. When we chat it was on MSN and no webcam. I don't even know what she looks like anymore. I just know that she current have a boyfriend and they are pretty happy together. I talked to occasionally to get advice about women, Jobs, and life in general. This makes me value my friendship with her a lot because in life, women comes and goes, but friends end up sticking around.
2) I've experienced a lot and matured since then. There has been other girls in my life after her that I think there's always some pros and cons to each girl. They are all unique in their own way. I think my friend is pretty cool because evidently after we stop seeing each other... we ended up both playing WoW for a while (on different servers ofcourse, and definitely doesn't know the other person also plays WoW.) She's also a gamer, although she, and eventually I, realized that there's a whole world outside of gaming and quit WoW.
3) As for that comment about having another go on her... I haven't really put much thoughts about it at the time when I wrote it. It seems that having a girl that I can occasionally talk to about WoW, Starcraft 2, and Diablo 3, and that she would understand the topic and actually be interested in is kinda cool. So maybe I should correct myself and say... if there's another girl that share similar traits as she does ( a nice looking Asian gamer girl), then I'll definitely consider going after a girl like that.
Are you people satisfies with the answer? It won't matter if you do or not because you are just a bunch of faceless people on the other side of the screen and I got nothing to prove to you. People on this form has as much insight into my mind about this girl as much as they have information regarding Reginald's situation. People here only knows what what being posted on this thread and there's certainly a lot more going on then just what was being typed. As far as I'm concern; I know enough to know that when it's over, it's over. That calls for a lot of experience in life to just accept things as it is and if you push it you'll lose what little you have life. Also not everything is meant to be, but that doesn't mean things have to end negatively. A guy and a girl can have a normal friendship without getting their hormones involved and that's is what's happening here. She barely crosses my mind these days and even then It wasn't anything amorous. And while I'm still single, I'm open to the prospect of meeting girls except that I'm just a very picky person in regards to choosing who to date, (and in Ceres opinion I'm quite the Misogynist. lol) :P
P.S 500 Days of Summer explains a lot about the interaction between a guy and a girl thou. The Subtle Interplay and the misunderstand makes it a perfect must read for a chance of a guy to understand women. It isn't a complete guide to dating, as per say, but it is as realistic as a movie about a guy and a girl can get.
Ah that clears it up. I was thinking that you're like many others I've known (including myself) where you do the friendly but would really like to get with her. If it's just the passing thought that you get with plenty of women about how they'd be totally cool too then I apologize for bringing it up. It's just that your first post made it look like you still sorta hung onto her, which due to the context of this thread brought up the wrong idea.
It just reminded me of that geek-dating advice thing where they bring up the "one girl guy". The guy who's just waiting on the one girl that they fancy that's taken or maybe even not but that you'll someday end up with. It's a bad thing because those guys act like they're cool about it but they're actually still hung up on a girl they can't get. Your post makes it clear that you're not that guy, she's just a girl that you could like that way if it happened. She meets the tastes you got, not like she's the only one.
my apologies for that, I just thought it fit into the issue of the thread.
Thanks for all the advice, folks.
We have been discussing what it is that drove us to breakup, and have discussed whether we would act differently if we got back together, whether we have changed enough to make it work this time. I am starting to see how threads like this can be a very one-sided point of view, but I will try to paraphrase.
Hilde wants to come up here for a long weekend and see my band play. I told her that we should do a dinner date first and just talk, not a long weekend to start.
She agreed, and said we should talk again in a week or so.
We are going to meet on March 24th in LA for dinner and some talk, and maybe dancing if things go well. Now, in the meantime, I just keep on being me up here in Portland.
You cannot dig the foundation for a house into unsettled soil; likewise, you have very little hope for building a long-term, successful relationship with Hilde if you don't put a lot of work into settling your turbulent emotions first. I gather from your second post that some of your real-life friends have likewise been telling you that you need to work on yourself first, and I hope you'll heed that advice. Because the consequences of how another failed run at this relationship will affect you would be bad enough. No one wants to see you get hurt, but leave that aside for the moment: how is this going to affect Hilde? If you rush into this without sorting out your own baggage and fuck this up again, how is she going to cope with being dumped by the same co-dependent fiance twice? How will she explain that to her friends and her family? If you were to skip out on getting a little therapy to work on yourself now, how much therapy might she require later?
If you love this girl as much as you think you do (as opposed to selfishly being in love with the idea of being in love), you better do everything in your power and go to the most ridiculous of lengths to ensure that you don't fuck up her life. I think you owe it to Hilde to promise that you will keep that in mind when you see her in four short weeks.