The new forums will be named Coin Return (based on the most recent vote)! You can check on the status and timeline of the transition to the new forums here.
The Guiding Principles and New Rules document is now in effect.
Broken off...concerns
1stTimeAffair
Registered User new member
Registered User new member
I had sent a message to a mod to unlock my post from yesterday, but ceres may not be on at this time and I don't have a lot of time left to keep waiting. You can read my post from yesterday here.
I want to answer a few quick things that was commented on yesterday. Yes, I am an asshole by doing all of this. I completely understand that and that is probably why I have not slept with this girl, even though the opportunities have been there. Yes, what I have done is still wrong, but it could have been so much worse. As for me being confused? Yes...I am. It's not a cover up or an excuse to keep going...this girl has done some things to me that either I have not felt in a long time or I have never felt in my life.
My wife and I get along great...and these darker fantasies and other subjects are things that she is very much aware of. She has known about the darker side of me since we first met and since she first gave me the big no when it came to these subjects. Through all the years that we have been together, I have brought up some stuff in the past, trying to bring in something new and exciting, but she always rejects. In fact...because of Girl-A, I was again discussing a lot of this stuff with my wife over this last winter break and the answer is still a no. So believe me, there is no lack of communication between us and what our desires are. My desires are just different than hers and I have been fine with it for the past 13'ish years...I can handle it further. Does it suck? Yes...but it's a sacrifice that has been made to make do with the marriage. I gave up on some fantasies a long time ago when I got together with my wife. Even still, I have always been happy with our sex life....just always wanted something more. Someone brought up the idea of an STD or pregnancy happening? I'm 100% positive Girl-A is clean and I am snipped so that thought has never been an issue.
Again, thanks for the advice yesterday. I realize my mistakes and I am already correcting them. This morning, I told Girl-A that I had to cut it off. She wasn't happy, but overall, she seemed to handle it pretty well. My only worry is...how am I going to handle it? I know that it was a crush and it will pass in due time, but getting through that time is going to be so hard, particularly when I will still be seeing her regularly at school. I could really use some help in getting over this...
What is there to get over? This feeling of youth and power and this determination and drive that I have not felt in years...or even at all. Girl-A really woke something up inside of me...some dormant beast that has been put to sleep by the monotony of a happy life with a loved one. I love my wife and my family to death and I have given up a ton for them...honestly, I gave up a part of my being in a way when I was younger in order to make things work with my wife (remember I mentioned I was a punk/bikers and stuff...she is/has always been very conservative). I accepted it back then and moved on...I was happy with her and our new family and our directions. I really do feel happy being where I am in our marriage and our life, but is marriage supposed to turn in to a dull, day by day drag in a way? I have tried many times to get my wife to try something new...and not just in the sexual or dark fantasy realms, but even just fucking going out of the house for a change, drinking a few beers at a bar and playing a game of pool. Which is something I used to do a LOT of...until I met my wife. She's too embarrassed (just one example) to be seen being taught to play pool and doesn't like bars and drinking and anything. Even trying to get her out of the house at times for a movie is like pulling teeth...she is very much in to her career and spends roughly 60 to 70 hours a week on it. Which leaves me with 2 part time jobs, 15 credit hours of school, the kids (as I am home with them more than she is) and my share of the housework (which generally tends to be bigger than hers). Then, I get to spend time with her when she finally has time for the rest of us.
Have I been fooling myself? Am I just in some sort of...surreal happiness? I can just let it all slide away and the next thing I know....I'm 60 and run down with nothing better to do?
Come on married people...help me out. I am not even sure of what I am asking...how can I capture and hold this drive and energy that Girl-A has given to me...specially now that I told her to get out of my life and that drive will fade and I will be left to myself...and crawl back in to my half full husk I reside in and make do with the happiness and contentment that a stable and fulfilling marriage can give a person? I wish I knew just what it was in this girl that has given me so much...
I want to answer a few quick things that was commented on yesterday. Yes, I am an asshole by doing all of this. I completely understand that and that is probably why I have not slept with this girl, even though the opportunities have been there. Yes, what I have done is still wrong, but it could have been so much worse. As for me being confused? Yes...I am. It's not a cover up or an excuse to keep going...this girl has done some things to me that either I have not felt in a long time or I have never felt in my life.
My wife and I get along great...and these darker fantasies and other subjects are things that she is very much aware of. She has known about the darker side of me since we first met and since she first gave me the big no when it came to these subjects. Through all the years that we have been together, I have brought up some stuff in the past, trying to bring in something new and exciting, but she always rejects. In fact...because of Girl-A, I was again discussing a lot of this stuff with my wife over this last winter break and the answer is still a no. So believe me, there is no lack of communication between us and what our desires are. My desires are just different than hers and I have been fine with it for the past 13'ish years...I can handle it further. Does it suck? Yes...but it's a sacrifice that has been made to make do with the marriage. I gave up on some fantasies a long time ago when I got together with my wife. Even still, I have always been happy with our sex life....just always wanted something more. Someone brought up the idea of an STD or pregnancy happening? I'm 100% positive Girl-A is clean and I am snipped so that thought has never been an issue.
Again, thanks for the advice yesterday. I realize my mistakes and I am already correcting them. This morning, I told Girl-A that I had to cut it off. She wasn't happy, but overall, she seemed to handle it pretty well. My only worry is...how am I going to handle it? I know that it was a crush and it will pass in due time, but getting through that time is going to be so hard, particularly when I will still be seeing her regularly at school. I could really use some help in getting over this...
What is there to get over? This feeling of youth and power and this determination and drive that I have not felt in years...or even at all. Girl-A really woke something up inside of me...some dormant beast that has been put to sleep by the monotony of a happy life with a loved one. I love my wife and my family to death and I have given up a ton for them...honestly, I gave up a part of my being in a way when I was younger in order to make things work with my wife (remember I mentioned I was a punk/bikers and stuff...she is/has always been very conservative). I accepted it back then and moved on...I was happy with her and our new family and our directions. I really do feel happy being where I am in our marriage and our life, but is marriage supposed to turn in to a dull, day by day drag in a way? I have tried many times to get my wife to try something new...and not just in the sexual or dark fantasy realms, but even just fucking going out of the house for a change, drinking a few beers at a bar and playing a game of pool. Which is something I used to do a LOT of...until I met my wife. She's too embarrassed (just one example) to be seen being taught to play pool and doesn't like bars and drinking and anything. Even trying to get her out of the house at times for a movie is like pulling teeth...she is very much in to her career and spends roughly 60 to 70 hours a week on it. Which leaves me with 2 part time jobs, 15 credit hours of school, the kids (as I am home with them more than she is) and my share of the housework (which generally tends to be bigger than hers). Then, I get to spend time with her when she finally has time for the rest of us.
Have I been fooling myself? Am I just in some sort of...surreal happiness? I can just let it all slide away and the next thing I know....I'm 60 and run down with nothing better to do?
Come on married people...help me out. I am not even sure of what I am asking...how can I capture and hold this drive and energy that Girl-A has given to me...specially now that I told her to get out of my life and that drive will fade and I will be left to myself...and crawl back in to my half full husk I reside in and make do with the happiness and contentment that a stable and fulfilling marriage can give a person? I wish I knew just what it was in this girl that has given me so much...
1stTimeAffair on
0
This discussion has been closed.
Posts
You want something new and exciting, but the problem is the new and exciting stops being exciting once it's no longer new. Deal with it.
If you are bothered by your standard day-to-day routine, change your routine. If it's like pulling teeth getting your wife out of the house, start yanking chompers. Schedule some weekend shenanigans. If she says no, let her know that you are frustrated and bored and you feel like you're becoming boring old people. Go to therapy. Do something. Just make sure that it's something honorable that you won't regret ten years from now.
College girls are not the answer to your problem.
You know when I decided to get married? When I realized just how fucking tiresome drama is in a relationship. Everyone thinks that bullshit is cool when he's a hormonal teenager, and the emotional roller coaster of being with someone new that you can't quite figure out seems like the most exciting and amazing thing in the world. And there's a sense of validation that men who haven't quite emotionally matured get from new relationships and new sexual partners. Like if this new girl will fuck you, it must mean you're a pretty cool guy, and that sort of sexual validation feels emotionally reassuring when you're a stupid fucking kid who doesn't even know yet if you like yourself because you still aren't sure who you're going to be when you grow up.
And then one day, for whatever reason, I grew up. I started feeling comfortable in my own skin and stopped the ridiculous process of benchmarking my own sense of personal worth against the quantity and quality of whomever I was currently fucking. And then I found someone with great communication skills, strong parenting instincts and an organized pile of pre-sorted emotional baggage that she had already finished working through so that we could build a life together without worrying that the drama of some daily new obstacle was going to tear us apart.
You quite obviously still need to work some of your shit out, brother. If you'd even consider throwing away a stable relationship with a woman you profess to love just for the chance to fuck a random 20 year old goth girl, you are clearly doing something wrong. Seek help.
As others have mentioned, this is likely something new. Will this person ever be able to live up to your spouse? The answer to that is almost certainly no, if you and your wife are currently compatible. Just because someone can offer you a new and exciting adventure to you now, it doesn't guarantee that after 1, 5 or 10 years that will still be the case. Plus, it doesn't even mean you'll get that far in the first place.
Have you and your wife consider trying something new every now and then? This could be a walk in a park once a week, a music or comedy show, or maybe taking a cooking class together or something similar. You mention this girl made you feel something you haven't in a long time. I'm assuming your wife is the reason you felt like this so long ago, perhaps something a little different in your current lifestyle could be discussed and pursued to help you feel like this again. If it's something as simple as a different hairstyle or type of dress, have you considered initiating this by trying something a little new and seeing what your wife thinks? Maybe she'd be interested in a small change of pace?
You are romaticising every element of your relationship with this other woman, even from the way you crafted this and your previous OP. Not surprising since you allowed yourself to to go from attracted to infatuated and maybe more.
You're not Mr. Hyde. People have desires that they know they shouldn't fulfill for self imposed reasons, not some alter-ego BS.
How do you deal with being attracted to people you cannot fuck? Is this something you've never had to deal with before? Because every adult has. You don't have sex with her and you deal with it.
Even moreso than marriage, raising children is an adventure. And since you're responsible to them in addition to your wife that means you don't get to play as much as you used to before them. If your wife is a homebody then you find your outlets (that are acceptable in your open and honest relationship with your wife) that don't necessarily include her or you find new outlets that you can share with her or that keeps you at home.
Also, if "it sucking" and "you can deal with it" are where you go when evaluating your relationship with your wife then maybe you should let her find someone who would value her more.
And no offense, you have said you and your wife get along great, but you are not exhibiting behavior that backs that up (i.e. "crawl back in to my half full husk I reside in and make do with the happiness and contentment that a stable and fulfilling marriage can give a person"). Get your ass to a counselor.
As for the bedroom stuff, maybe a little bedroom roleplay is in order. What is it that you mean by "a darker side". I assume that means in a sexual way? What is it that you want to do? Because you have to understand that if you want to stick it in her ear while rubbing rotten bananas all over yourself or something, it is understandable that she might be against that. Surely there is something you two can do that she is both comfortable with, or at least willing to do, and will be pleasurable for both of you. You just need to work to find that thing. If you don't get to do exactly whatever it is you have been thinking of, it isn't the end of the world. There are other things that will also be fun.
I think you might be feeling good because of the excersize you have been getting as well, so keep that up.
but they're listening to every word I say
Your other option is to divorce your wife, which may be extreme, but you have your own life to think about as well. You can't be unsatisfied intimately forever, or you WILL end up cheating on your wife, which isn't good. I think your issue with this new young woman is less who she is, and more what desires of yours she is willing to satisfy.
Again, you really need to open up some dialogue with your wife about this, and it may even take third party counselling for your wife to realize that she needs to give a little as well. It may make some drastic statements to make her really realize how important the growth of your intimate options is to you.
Also this sounds like you need a new best friend. My friends don't want to fuck my wife.
Honestly I think you're feeling the chemical effects of the new relationship thing. You've basically drugged yourself with brain chemicals. It's going to take some time to get over the high.
You need counseling, broski. I'm no psychologist but I'm getting a strong sense of unwarranted juvenile entitlement from your posts.
For goodness sake, GROW UP!!!!!!!!
So, your wife works very long hours, which means she's knackered. You don't. You spend more time with the kids than she does: they're your kids, you know, you work less hours than she does, ergo... You do more housework than she does. Big deal, she works 60-70 hours per week, hey guess what, its your dirt as well. No doubt you don't object to her pay salary, do you? Then you have the nerve to complain she's too tired to go out. My goodness, you have a nerve. Then you tell us you want to screw around with a girl half your age cos she's exciting. She's probably not working 60-70 hours per week and trying to be a mum or a wife to an ungrateful man.
Get over yourself and get some help dealing with your selfishness.
For paintings in progress, check out canvas and paints
"The power of the weirdness compels me."
Your wife is "into" her career because it most definitely makes life better for the kids and the family. Somebody has to be the career person, and with a tanking world economy you should be thankful you have work at all. This isn't some fairlytale Hollywood movie where the workaholic finds out what a mistake putting career on a high pedestal was and drops down to a 40-a-week fast food job because happiness pays the heating bills. You're obviously incapable of providing the necessary cash flow, by your own admittance, but you also sound so damn bitter and ungrateful because she is doing it. "When she has time for the rest of us" is such a teenager thing to say in response to this situation, but you appear to be well above 30 years old. She's not out knitting, or hanging out with friends, or anything... she's working in a viable career. Suck it up, muffin.
So, you have to take care of the kids and take care of the house? Grow up. Welcome to what the rest of us call the real world. I work, go to school part time, and still manage to quite a bit of chores along with my wife AND I manage to take care of the kids at the same time. I don't get to party much any more, but a stable family life is what I wanted. You obviously don't, you care more about your personal gains and pleasure than duty and responsibility.
To be honest, I hope she kicks you to the curb so she can find a man (Not a child) to help take care of the family. I'm a step-father myself, and reading this just reminds me of my step kids biological dad... the one they call by his first name. I'm daddy. He's a dead-end, broke-ass who refuses to amount to anything and treats his kids like a burden. You don't have the stones to be in a family like this, not right now, and you need to either cede the position to someone who has managed to outgrow his early 20's or you need to seriously unfuck yourself.
The sex thing I'm not going to even get into. By the rest of your posting, I'm almost positive is as unreasonable and selfish as the rest of your mindset.
Final note: Sacrificing for a family is not something to be praised for. It's like you asking for an award for never going to jail, or to be given preferential treatment for paying your bills on time. It is something that is, by the very nature of the family dynamic, required. You treat it like society has lost one of it's treasures, and your selfless act in and of itself justifies you fucking around on the woman who decided to spend her life with you and the kids who have no choice but to have you as a father.
You are a husband, a father, and role-model, whether you like it or not. Act like one.
OP, I've been in your shoes. I was married (for about 6 years), and started talking to an ex-girlfriend on facebook. It was innocent at first, but as time went on I began to talk and reason just like you have in your posts. I would fixate on how much better my life would be with this other girl, and slowly but surely pushed away the part of my mind that was screaming "What you are doing is wrong, period." I started reasoning out how unhappy I was and how it was all my wife's fault. How there was nothing I could do to fix it, and even though her and I went to counseling, I had pretty much made my mind up (though I didn't want to admit it to myself or anyone else).
Well I left my wife, and started dating this other girl almost immediately. My life wasn't suddenly better, I wasn't suddenly happy. In fact I was the opposite. As time went on, I began to face the consequences of my actions. I realized I had not only emotionally destroyed the one person in my life who I was always supposed to stick by, but I had alienated many of my friends and family members in the process. And to top it all off, the new girl wasn't some angel. She was a human being, just like my wife had been....with faults of her own. We didn't last 6 months.
I've been divorced for over 3 years now. I will always look back at the choices I made that led to me leaving, and I will always regret them.
You need to talk to a professional counselor about this kind of stuff. It's easy to cut yourself off from everyone and begin to reason out why you're unhappy, how it's everyone else's fault, etc etc. In the end, it comes down to selfishness.
Sorry this rambled somewhat. Just please don't make the same stupid decisions I've made. You've already gone well down this path that only leads to a lot of hurt for everyone involved. If I were you, I would tell your wife the truth, and get help. This woman has been with you for over a decade, and is the mother of your children. She should be your world for God's sake.
60-70 hours and leaving everything on your spouse isn't good, I don't care which sex you are. While he may be acting childish, to act like her work schedule doesn't contribute to his feeling of boredom and disassociation is silly. While he has certainly made some mistakes, it sounds to me like this wife has no concept of life/work balance, and it's hurting their relationship. She is not without culpability here.
You knew what you were getting into when you married your wife, and you have motherfucking children. You're presumably almost 40 fucking years old. Grow up, and start acting like a god damn adult. If I was your wife and found out about what you're doing (not giving a wonderful fuck if you've had sex with her or not), I'd make sure you were single to be free to do whatever you'd like with Girl-A.
You're one seen text, or one slip of the tongue away from a destroyed family. I'm not saying you should hide your shit better either. I'm saying to stop being a massive bouquet of dicks to your wife and children. If you're truly unhappy with your wife, don't stay together for the kids, because that'll just fuck up your kids more. If you think a life of pool, beer, 20 year old women, and black leather jackets are what you want, then just divorce your wife, because you're not doing her any favors by staying with her. You sound like you resent your wife for not being more 'EDGY'. She's never going to be an edgy, ripped jeans wearing, hair dying, 20 year old. She's a woman with a career, two children, who grew up and is nearing 40.
@GnomeTank : Yes, working 60-70 hours fucking blows for a relationship. But you know what blows worse? Having an emotional/physical relationship with a 20 year old who likely shops at hot topic...who is not your wife. She's likely working those hours to put her husband through college, feed her kids, pay a mortgage, put gas in their cars, etc, not because it's a party every day there.
Check out my art! Buy some prints!
If the OP was a women, and had these complaints about her husband, this is exactly what people would be saying...but it seems because he's male and the wife is the one over-working, ignoring the relationship, we are giving her a free pass and coming down hard on the husband.
You need to talk to someone about th is. A professional preferably.
Also, everything Alyce said. I wish someone had been so blunt with me when I was going through this.
There are a lot of crappy marriages out there because they got married to young, gave up things they didn't really want to so they could please the other, and they have poor role models for how a marriage should work. If this is not the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, please do her a favor and let her know. If you think this is just a mid-life crisis, then work through it and try to be a better husband/father. Take up a new hobby, go to church, lose some weight, get a motorcycle, etc. Do something that gets you excited.
Much like RocketSauce describes, I had given up too much of who I was and what I wanted to do to make her happy and pursue the family life, and in the end it made me a miserable person and a bad husband. Since realizing it and breaking things off, I've become a significantly better father. While part of being a husband and a father is sacrifice, there comes a point where you are asked to give up too much and it begins to build deep resentment. It's nothing my wife did to specifically hinder me, it was just a growing apart of fundamental values and goals.
It sounds like the wife works 70 hours because her husband has two part time jobs (minimum wage?) and is still in college at 40 years old. Someone has to provide for their family?