drawn to suicidal feelings

Erinys

So, this is an alt. I hope it's forgivable in this instance. This isn't easy for me to talk about.

I suppose I'll give a brief(or maybe not, I'll try) description of what's going on with me.

I'm 31 years of age, I've been dealing with mental health issues since I was around 14. These issues involve depression and anxiety to varying degrees at different times in my life. I stopped going to school in grade 9, this is when everything sort of broke, my parents divorced, my grandparents died, and I was bullied somewhat significantly at this time. So, I just gave up I guess, staying home and watching television and playing video games. All of the artistic talent I'd developed as a child fell away from me as I became more and more disconnected. I wound up at an adolescent mental health facility, which ended up being more like a doping farm than a treatment facility. All that I really gained during that time was the new found experience of substance abuse and like minded tortured youthful souls to share in my mental confusion. When I was 18, I had to leave and next ended up at an alternative high school. By this point I was only able to see delinquency(for want of a better term) as the best option, I tried to fit in with the ne'er do wells, and ended spending my days hanging around the inner city area getting high and fucking around. At the age of 21 I had to leave without graduating and stayed with my mother, essentially doing nothing for around four years. No friends, no social connection, nothing. I was almost totally disconnected from anything outside of my house. I'd worked the occasional entry level job, sparse though these occasions may have been. Only ever for a few months anyways, I just couldn't deal with it. At the age of 24-25, I went to an adult education facility and spent the next few years finishing my high school. At 27 I decided to enroll in university, the fine arts faculty in hope of reconnecting with my creative ambitions and talents. I took it slow, dropped a few courses as the stress from my mental health couldn't bear out a full course load. It was alright for the first few years.

I'm not sure why, but around the age of late 29 into 30 I've (again)become terribly depressed, anxious, disconnected(I feel a lot of symptoms of depersonalization). I feel like a prisoner in my own mind, in a sense. I have a desire to write and photograph, it's the only aspect of life that gives me any enjoyment.

Lately however, even that has become dulled into diminishing return. I can't exert any internal validation for the work I do, confidence is slipping away. I can't give myself much positive feedback, it's never good enough. My motivation is almost non existent. It's like I don't even connect to reality, like I'm in a haze, or still not quite awake. I can 'spend' the day doing nothing sometimes, but it's like I'm not even aware. I'm still lucid in intervals throughout, but it's so sporadic it makes it exceedingly difficult to get anything done. Sometimes I don't even eat during the day, as I'm unaware of physical hunger until it's really prominent. I feel repulsed by myself in the mirror, even though I am complimented on my appearance by others. It's sort of like my mind is becoming very solipsistic, even though I'm an avid rationalist. I don't have any distorted perceptions or delusions about the physical nature of reality, but I am getting ever more disconnected from it viscerally speaking. I am losing all interest in social connections. In my classes, during crit sessions, I just feel resentful, my internal frustration is displaced on those around me, even though they've done nothing wrong. I don't think I'm hateful, but I'm losing touch with a positive outlook on socialization. Seeing as I have a desire to further develop my writing and photography abilities in hopes of career oriented goals, this doesn't bode well. I feel resentful even of becoming more involved in the social aspect of these things. It all seems like such a farce.

Everything seems too futile, I'm 31 and it feels like I'm too far behind in life to ever accomplish what I'd like to. This all just seems like such a overwhelming force that I cannot overcome. It seems that I'm mentally stripping away the barriers of fear before the end of my life. I'm beginning to see this end as not so negative. Since I can't experience death as an event, my cessation of existence won't bear any pain to my person. I don't even feel like a person most of the time. I look at my body sometimes and don't feel a natural connection, like I'm watching this body, but my mind is somehow a separate entity. Even though I don't believe in that kind of dualism. It's all just adds on to the stress I'm already feeling from the depressive mood/state I'm usually in.

I've attended therapy sessions through the university, as they don't charge. I went through three people and most of them seemed somewhat inexperienced(they were grad students), and while nice in that it was someone to vent to, it hasn't really alleviated the deeper problems going on here. I've went to groups, and it always ends up the same. Slight degree of positive effect, but nothing long term. I obtained a community mental health worker, but he treated my affairs fairly lightly despite explaining this to him. All he did was refer me to some job assistance programs, 2 of which didn't even end up dealing with mental health disability. I'm just at a loss as to what to do, it's really frustrating, and making me really resentful to the mental health system. I am lacking in some essential life skills, and I don't know how to just get them, or whatever. I don't know. I feel so very confused with all of this. It's beyond reason. The struggle does not seem worth it. It's been 16 years. If all I have to look forward to is another 16 or more, I just don't really want to go through with it all.

I hope this wasn't too lengthy or rambling. Maybe I need to vent, I don't know. I just can't see anywhere other than down. Over the last six months or so, I've been visualizing different methods of suicide, as if I'm trying to ease myself into the the option that's right for me. I still want help though, but I don't know what to do. I can't even sleep a lot of nights.

bowen

This is not normal, you should speed to a medical professional. The most an of us can offer you is our(my) condolences, which you have. Not a mental health worker but a doctor. It's pretty obvious he either doesn't care or is overworked (probably this).

I will let you know that most people struggle with these same feelings when presented with the same life struggles and choices.

30 isn't too old to do anything by the way, there are 50 year olds that go back to school and change their professions. Suicide isn't the answer to your problems. I don't think group therapy is either, you'd probably be better off with a doctor in a private session -- you are sharing this with us anonymously after all and it makes sense and I don't blame you.

I don't have much else to add to that, much of what you've went through isn't your fault so don't blame yourself.

Constrictor

It's never too late. I went back to college in my 30s and graduated with a 3.98 GPA. Part of your problem may be neuro-chemical, see a professional of course.

RocketSauce

Former Mental Health worker here. Are you on medication? Are you taking it regularly? Are you seeing a Psychiatrist? Are you taking their advice?

You sound like you've been through the mental health system before, and you were likely at an age where it wasn't voluntary. I worked with kids who were in the same position. Acute Psychiatric Hospital stays are not meant to cure anything long term, they are meant to keep you safe for 48 hours or so, and give you some tools to use when you are feeling like you want to hurt yourself. Use them, if possible, if you feel like you're going to kill yourself.

A psychiatrist, therapist, case worker, etc, will not keep you from wanting to kill yourself. They can help keep you safe, work with you on managing your thoughts/perseverations, and help you keep a toolbox of ways to cope with the pressures you're feeling. If you want to start feeling better, this is work you will do yourself. You need a larger support system of friends, family, people who care who aren't paid to listen to you.

You say this suddenly came on, but it sounds like you've been drifting through life since you were 14 without any clear goals, accomplishments, or positive relationships. When most of the people I worked with said they wanted to kill themselves, they didn't know a better way of saying "I don't like the way my life is". There are so many ways to change your life for the better. Likewise, when most of them said things didn't work for them, they never gave it their 100%. You seem like you've had a pattern of just giving up on things, so naturally that will seem like the best option.

I used to tell my clients that the body does what the brain tells it to. If we use our brain to start telling us positive things like "I am worthy of good things", "I can be healthy", "I can do this", the body will follow what the brain tells it to. If our brain is telling us "things will never get better", "this always happens to me", "I can't change it", you're going to fulfill those thoughts.

I could give you a list of the qualities people have who are successful, well-liked, and happy, but the number one thing would be they are passionate about something. Be it church, school, art, athletics or whatever. Find something that makes you excited and connects you to the world.

Kuroi Ookami

Not going to use an alt... can't be bothered, and if my best friends already know, then I'm not worried about some internet strangers knowing.

I don't know if you're in the US, or Canada, or where, it might matter, it might not... (I don't think there were any indicators in your post. If there were, sorry I missed them)

*potential massive rant, to show the OP I know how he/she feels, but there is always hope and they are not the only ones feeling this way*

I have been diagnosed with Dysthymia. It's a depression that started in my early teens, likely due to my home life, lack of social life, the way things were at school, and possibly genetics. You don't have to look it up, I can summarize it for you. "it is a serious state of chronic depression, which persists for at least 2 years; it is less acute and severe than major depressive disorder. As dysthymia is a chronic disorder, sufferers may experience symptoms for many years before it is diagnosed, if diagnosis occurs at all. As a result, they may believe that depression is a part of their character, so they may not even discuss their symptoms with doctors, family members, or friends." When I started dropping out of high school classes, some where I was top of the class, I couldn't understand what was wrong with me, why I couldn't make it as a "normal" person in society. I thought everyone felt like I did, so why couldn't I do as well as everyone else and just deal with it.

I'd like to point out I also tried group therapy about 5 years ago. We did the Mind over Mood booklets. While they helped for my paranoid feelings around my friends (to a point) about how I thought they saw me vs how they likely saw me, the more relevant parts of the book sadly did not seem to help me.

Lately my life and health have been hell for various reasons, causing stress. Lots of stress. Stress aggravates my "condition" which sends me into a "major depressive episode". These are the times where I go from general blahness, to wanting to kill myself. Not because I don't think things will get better, but because I just really don't see the point in keeping on like this, and it would do everyone else a favour. And really, would it be so bad? (I should point out that just earlier this year I was informed that after all this time, and all the drugs that have been tried, my Dysthymia is drug resistant, they don't feel electroshock would benefit me, and I'm pretty much screwed. They want to enter me into a course to learn how to handle having suicidal thoughts.)

Eventually, the "major depressive episode" starts to end, I start to reconnect with the few friends I have. Some I tell what happened, some I don't, and I'm glad to still be here. I feel the Mental Health System has let me down too. My Doctor can't find me a Psychiatrist, they only do 1 time consult/evaluations. He can't find me a psychologist or Therapist. Case Workers have a set amount of time with you then you don't see them again. it's usually about 6 times. They try to help you set goals, ask you how you're feeling, I didn't find them to be very helpful. It felt like I was just being rushed in, then pushed out the door.

So... after that "evaluation" I had at the beginning of the month, I went from massively depressed and wanting to end it all, to slowly becoming a little angry, then more angry, then exceptionally angry at our Mental Health System, how I tell them my darkest of feelings and secrets and that I wish to die, and they tell me "After all these years you're clearly drug resistant so stop trying those, and try to get into a course about those suicidal thoughts" and I took my anger to my doctor, and I told him what they said. We're trying to be more aggressive now with the medication, just in case. We're doing a combination now, instead of one at a time. The problem is, most combinations have 1 SSRI in them. **IMPORTANT** Know what your meds are doing to YOU! SSRIs had me disconnect worse than I was, try to put a screwdriver through my hand because I just... I don't know, it was there and the thought crossed my mind. I did a million things I never would have done as a person, I hurt so many people with my words and actions. I was ever more suicidal on SSRIs. It took me about 7 years to realise I wasn't me, and I had to stop taking them. I actually have felt "better" since stopping them, but I know I still suffer from my issue.
My Doctor has tried me on a few more since trying other types, and I hit the wall around week 3 and lay in my bed crying like a banshee because I'm scared to leave my bed, knowing if I do, I'm going to down a bottle or two of Percocet and hope I never wake up again (or whatever pills I have on hand. I'm like a pharmacy) //**IMPORTANT** Also, I have been diagnosed with everything under the sun. ADHD, Bi-Polar, etc, I don't know if anyone really knows what is wrong with me.

Anyways, I guess... just find something to motivate you. For me, it's anger with the Mental Health System, and the stories I read in the news here about how it's let other people down, just for family members to find a member dead day/s after they were released from confinement because they were a threat to themselves and the family members were concerned. I feel like more should be done. I feel like more can be done for me. My anger keeps me going. My want to feel "normal" keeps me going. The few friends I have, and my SO (even if he is long distance) make me want to keep going.

What sort of therapy have you done?

I guess... I can't offer you a whole lot. Please PM me if you need to talk. I've been told I'm a good person to talk to. I listen well, and I offer good feedback. I can offer steps I guess. First step, stop seeing the people at your University. You've seen 3 people and they haven't helped. Go to your doctor, tell him how you're feeling. He should get you in to see a specialist you can diagnose you. Second step, look up your Suicide Help numbers for your area. I have 2 of them in my contact list in my iPod should I hit a really really bad point and can't leave my bed (both iPod and phone are near the bed). I haven't needed the numbers yet, but it makes me feel more safe, knowing that I have them to use now.

I do apologize for a lot of me me me in this post, but really... I wanted to get across he/she is not alone. The Mental Health System can really lose people through the cracks. They can't always diagnose you right the first time. Therapy might not help, but I'm considering giving it another chance, Maybe Mind over Mood again, maybe something else; you should try too. You need to see a Doctor regularly (the same one each time, build up a familiarity. if you do not have a family Doctor, get yourself one). I see mine monthly to discuss how my medication is feeling, dosage adjustments, or if it's time to come off one and try another. If you are in the States or some other place where this could cost you, either find a place that will not charge, or do you have a place that does a sliding scale? You could use Emergency resources if the suicidal thoughts get bad enough, but if it's like with me, they just let you out of the hospital 3 days later and that's that, and that's not helpful. Look around in your area for foundations that deal with Mental Health, they may have programs that don't cost, or cost very little. There must be some resources for you to use, besides a suicide phone number (seriously, get it and keep it handy, if only for peace of mind), you just have to search them out I guess.

Really though, Family Doctor and being sent to someone for a diagnosis is a good first start if you don't already have that. And seriously, you can always PM me, about anything, any question you might have, to rant about the system, whatever you need.

Most of all, take care of yourself. I find it's the hardest thing to do. Remembering to eat, shower, brush teeth or hair... Hell... some days I'm feeling I accomplished something important if I get out of bed before noon, get dressed, brush my teeth and hair. And feeling like you accomplished something is a wonderful thing. Don't feel bad if you can't do it every day though. Like I said, I find it one of the harder things to do. Also, try to eat healthy things. I used to just snack on chips/pretzels, it was easy, and I had no energy. I do less of that (due to newer health reasons plus, it was a good switch overall) and try to pick up more fruit. A banana for breakfast, it's easy. Comes in it's own wrapper, open and eat, toss wrapper. Same for oranges. Get yourself a bit of fruit each week. Start off small, I found if I had high ambitions, I was throwing away more than I was eating.

ok, right... I meant to wrap this up with "take care of yourself". So sorry for the length ^^;; I hope you gain something, even if it's small, just something, anything, from my post. Don't take your life, it *will* hurt people. You may not be around to care or feel bad, but, it's something you can get past, I can not stress enough to have a number handy, and i can't promise you it will get better, but some days can be better than others.

**Edited to add my cats also keep me going too, they give me responsibility, they need me and I need them. I also wanted to let you know that I am the same age as you.

The Ender

Everything seems too futile, I'm 31 and it feels like I'm too far behind in life to ever accomplish what I'd like to.

There's no way you're too far behind to accomplish what you want at 31. You're not even halfway through the average lifespan yet!

I hope this wasn't too lengthy or rambling. Maybe I need to vent, I don't know. I just can't see anywhere other than down. Over the last six months or so, I've been visualizing different methods of suicide, as if I'm trying to ease myself into the the option that's right for me. I still want help though, but I don't know what to do. I can't even sleep a lot of nights.

Is speaking with a doctor rather than a counsellor an option for you? I am not a doctor at all, but intuitively this seems like an issue that you may require medication for. If you can, definitely talk to a doctor about it.

If you start thinking about harming yourself or committing suicide, call a local suicide help line or, if you don't know of one, dial 9-1-1. Promise yourself to do that before you ever act on one of those impulses, and at least give somebody an opportunity to talk you out of it.

bowen

Yeah I can't stress a doctor enough, OP seems to be having a manic episode. They'll be of way more use than a counselor or someone who doesn't give two shits. Even someone who could give one shit or half a shit would be better.

godmode

@Erinys I went through a similar situation. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! And as mentioned by Ender, you are still young, and you have tons of life ahead of you to live! Don't throw it away out of frustration. I know how hard it can be, but giving up is not the answer.
When I was going through it, I also tried counseling first. It took me a few tries to find the help I needed. But it sounds like you should seek medical attention, explain what you're going through, and ask about the possibility of trying antidepressants. Don't be nervous about what they think. That's what held be back at first - I was afraid my doctors would think I just wanted drugs. But they're not there to judge. Don't be afraid to get the help you need.

And most importantly, DON'T GIVE UP!

The hotlines were mentioned above, but here are the numbers for ease:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
Hopeline: 1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433)
Or, of course, 911

I know this is a couple days late. I sincerely hope you're doing okay!

Erinys

Thank you for the encouragement everyone. It really is meaningful to listen to others advice and experiences. I felt somewhat embarrassed after posting the initial message. I am trying to figure this all out, and how and where to seek professional help. I really only began to acknowledge these feelings as an actual mental health issue/illness that I'm afflicted with a few years ago. Before that, I was somewhat desperately but unknowingly trying to hold onto some sense of normalcy.

It all just seems like such a confusing maze at times. I don't want to give up, but I fall in and out(mostly in) of this absurd mental anguish. I'm in a rare non negative or hazy phase as of this posting, I suppose. There's ambition bottled up inside(or whatever other metaphor), and I feel like I have to find an understanding of how to live in a manner that doesn't involve tortured emotions, and where/how I can be productive.

godmode

That ambition is good. Hold on to it! And while you may feel embarrassed at first (believe me, I did too), the end result of getting the help you need is worth it.
You mentioned doing therapy through the university. I would recommend you speak to whoever the counselors or the program managers are there and ask for their help in locating a resource for medicinal help and further counseling. Because it does sound like you would benefit from antidepressants.

ceres

My university actually has a program to provide some medication very cheaply if it's prescribed through a school psychiatrist. I didn't like mine and didn't end up going that way with it (I get my medication prescribed by my GP now), but it's worth asking.