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Chop LogicChop Logic Registered User regular
edited July 2018 in Help / Advice Forum
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Chop Logic on

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  • schussschuss Registered User regular
    It happens. Find someone you like and stick with them. Not everyone has the same desires and preferences around sex life/number of partners. Also know that this is sometimes just a reaction to being in the same groups for too long. See people you like, or find people you find interesting to see. Main problem seems to be that you're fishing in the wrong pond.

  • TychoCelchuuuTychoCelchuuu PIGEON Registered User regular
    I think you have extremely high standards for what a relationship should consist of and for the kinds of people you want to be in a relationship with. The second is fine, but the first is, I think, not so great. You say that everything about relationships "just seems like completely arbitrary pairings based on circumstance, physical attraction, and convenience" which is more or less right. Everyone doesn't have a magical soulmate that they have been waiting their entire life to meet. There aren't special things about two people that makes them attracted to each other. Intimate relationships are like any other relationship in that respect. I suspect that if you stop thinking about relationships as if it has to be some magical bond, then you'll lower your standards for the kinds of people you feel like dating. Instead of waiting to fall head over heels in love for someone because they're perfect or brilliant or something, you'll realize that sometimes it's OK just to hang out around people that you like, and that sometimes you'll like some people more than others, and that sometimes they'll like you too, and that you'll spend more time with them blah blah blah.

  • MidshipmanMidshipman Registered User regular
    Chop Logic wrote:
    my school it is LITERALLY 90 percent female, and then almost all the guys are gay (it's a school in NYC, rather not say which)

    I was going to guess Teacher's College, but then I realized that you meant you are an undergrad. Also read on and saw you mentioning art, so are probably in some sort of art program.

    More relevant to your inquiry though, it seems like you might just be surrounded by the type of people that you aren't attracted to. Hopefully you'll move on to a different crowd of people once you get out of school (or go to grad school which tends to be a different social scene than under-grad). In the mean time, you might consider trying online dating sites if you haven't already. I don't have any personal experience with that venue, but it seems to allow for you to get to know someone intellectually before committing to meeting with them.

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  • AftyAfty Registered User regular
    Midshipman wrote: »
    More relevant to your inquiry though, it seems like you might just be surrounded by the type of people that you aren't attracted to.

    I think that this might just be the nail hit right on the head. When you are young your early relationships are based mainly on looks (there are are a few exceptions of course) because not only have you not learned what type of person you want to be with, but you haven't really figured out what type of person you are.

    Looking for something deeper than a physical attraction at the tender age of 21 seems to me to be a sign of maturity. Try not to stress out too much. You could try going to some events for the things you like to do and see if you can meet some people with shared interests.

  • badpoetbadpoet Registered User regular
    You mention you're surrounded by women with tangentially related majors. I'm going to use me as an example. I've been in politics for years, and for awhile dated women who were at the same events, focused on the same issues, etc. My current girlfriend, whom I live with, I find to be much more engaging intellectually because A) she's more intelligent than I am and B) she cares about politics, but it isn't her life.

    So, with that in mind, I'll make a suggestion. Given that much of your time is taken up by your art, and you appear to have a desire to not become a hermit artist, are there other hobbies or interests that don't consume you but will offer you opportunities to meet new women that may be more intellectually stimulating to you?

    Also, you're 21. When looking at who your friends' sisters and others are dating, realize that many 21 year olds want to fuck, smoke pot, and party. It's often seen as a necessary step in growing up for people (it's not necessary, but many people look at their early to mid-20's as their party stage). If you're not into that, it might be worth looking at women who are a bit older and less focused on living it up.

  • MHYoshimitzuMHYoshimitzu Registered User regular
    I've had this feeling before. Let me try to explain how I worked through it.

    Just because you want to be in a relationship doesn't mean you should, or have to be in one. The solution is to meet people without the expectation that you'll pursue them romantically, or even just as a hookup. The relationship part will fall naturally if it's meant to be.

    As for the finding someone "interesting" part, I frequently run into this problem myself. There are 7 billion people on the planet, though, and I'm sure you'll find someone interesting eventually. Again, it comes down to your mindset. You're going into social situations assuming you're not going to find someone interesting, so you judge them before meeting them.

    It sounds as though you want to find someone now, rather than later. Unfortunately, I have found that attitude actually works against me more often than not. You can't find an interesting person on cue, and there is no "timeframe" on whether to decide if you want to go out with a girl or not, so rushing into things with a girl through a hookup isn't a great idea, either.

    Likewise, if you're feeling peer pressure or feeling that you should be in a relationship because your career would eventually come in the way or that's what everyone else around you is doing, stop. Thinking, "I have to find a girl now because I won't have the ability to later," is a bad reason to start a relationship with someone. A relationship between you and another human being should not be dictated by what society, or your friends, or whoever else thinks is acceptable.

    And heck, maybe you won't meet this person at college. Maybe it'll be in line at the grocery store. You're not going to be able to know or predict when you find that certain someone you want to go out with. By relaxing and taking people as they come, you'll eventually find that person you want to be around.

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  • melting_dollmelting_doll Registered User regular
    edited March 2012
    Just keep doing what you're doing, do the things you like, and hang out with the people you want to hang out with. Don't force yourself or you'll never be happy. It sounds like you're trying to make something happen with girls you don't really care about, but it's okay not to care about them if they're not your type. Be patient and something good is sure to come along. (:

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  • Indica1Indica1 Registered User regular
    Your problem is that you go to FIT and all the girls at FIT are vapid sluts. I know people around here frown at that kind of comment, but they haven't been to FIT.

    But man you are in the heart of Manhattan, there are all types of places you can go to meet all types of women. Cheap concerts, all kinds of free yoga classes, (yoga to the people, or just go from one free trial week to another) hell even Barnes and noble. Be creative. And I would advise you to not dismiss the animal side of you either, but that's not your problem, your problem is you are looking for a women of substance in a den of skeezers, skanks, skips and scallywops. Don't judge all women or yourself based on whats around there.


    If the president had any real power, he'd be able to live wherever the fuck he wanted.
  • EggyToastEggyToast Jersey CityRegistered User regular
    Let me see if I can sum this up. You value a relationship, and believe it's something you want for yourself, but you dislike how it seems the relationships of others, and your past relationships, seem to be "bad." And you wonder "why are people in bad relationships?" So you're wondering what's the point of relationships if they're all boring and bad, beyond having a pretty face to look at and some sex?

    I think that's what you're saying. If so, I agree with the posters above in that you're simply not finding your "type." When I was in college, there were a couple girls that I found attractive who were occasionally single, but I never had much reason to talk to them, let alone date them, and in hindsight it was only because I was around them a lot. I realized that if I had actually dated these people, we would've gotten bored and broken up. There's nothing wrong with simply avoiding the relationship altogether when you see that that's the case.

    You shouldn't date someone "just because it's the thing to do." In a lot of ways, a sexual relationship is basically a friendship where you are intimate. Unlike friends, a relationship's trajectory is towards more closeness, as you do more with family, etc., but there still needs to be that basis of friendship or else you'll not like actually being together. And like most friends, you get along not just because you have some things in common, but because your personalities match up.

    There's LOTS of women that I find attractive, physically, but very few that I believe I could be in a satisfying relationship with. It's that way for most people, though, and one element of adulthood is recognizing that just because you can have sex with someone (because you like them physically or they like you) doesn't mean you can have a relationship with them, and that knowing which it is that you're looking for (a light fling or a deep relationship) determines how you look for it.

    Speaking of which, you shouldn't be discouraged by the "beautiful woman dates a loser" thing. You see women as attractive, so you're going to be biased towards finding them beautiful. You don't know what they're seeing in reverse, or what they're attracted to, but more importantly, a woman is much more than her looks. A beautiful woman can be smart, witty, into video games and art and creative expression, and a beautiful woman can also be dumb, into Twilight, watch shows you hate and so on. Beauty says nothing about personality -- who's to say that the beautiful women you see paired up with pot-smoking losers aren't also pot-smoking losers? And maybe they like the dumb loser type because it makes them feel better about themselves? The point is, you can't judge other people's relationships on your own criteria because their criteria is different. My girlfriend has a lady friend who's boyfriend is an antisocial nerd and has been asked by her friends "he doesn't seem like he's into any of the things you're into? what do you see in him?" and she said that she has a total crush on him and finds him the most attractive guy ever. That was her criteria for the relationship, and I'm sure when they're home together and talk that they have developed a nice relationship that isn't obvious to people just glimpsing a small portion of it externally.

    I suppose the question back to you is "what are you actually looking for in a relationship?"

    || Flickr — || PSN: EggyToast
  • bowenbowen Sup? Registered User regular
    What eggy said. People have these grandiose ideas on what relationships are. (Too many disney movies in my opinion) it basically functions, on a primal level, as if your best friend was the opposite gender (or the same if you're gay) and you have sex and make babies together (or just have sex).

    Likewise you should pick someone who's ideologically similar to you. This is how dating websites with compatibility profiles match people up. Religious people tend to prefer the company of religious people, video gamers prefer other video gamers, so on and so forth.

    You don't have to date, you don't have to actively look for a person to snog, you don't have to do very much. Be friendly, make friends with those you'd like to enter a relationship with, do stuff with your friends, progress if you want. There's tact in that last step but it seems like, as eggy is touching on, you're probably looking more at the philosophical reason to be in a relationship.

    It's especially hard to convince people that think relationships aren't disney movies with a prince charming and romanticism, but that's also part of a compatibility thing... find someone that doesn't like the stuff you don't like. You'd be amazed at how well things fit together then.

    not a doctor, not a lawyer, examples I use may not be fully researched so don't take out of context plz, don't @ me
  • DemerdarDemerdar Registered User regular
    Afty wrote: »
    not only have you not learned what type of person you want to be with, but you haven't really figured out what type of person you are.

    Pretty much this.

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