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Writing off a family member.
bezerk bob
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Reccently i have become privy to some things that someone in my immediate family has done. Id rather not get into specifics, but lets just say that if this person was not a family member then i would never speak to them again. The question is, does the same standard apply to this person? Does it make me a bad person for not wanting to ever see them again? Is there a line that a family member can cross that brooks that kind of treatment, or does the fact that they are family mean that you have to forgive and forget no matter what?
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bezerk bob on
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Since you're unwilling to go into specifics, I'll ask general questions to get a better sense of what's happening
1) Were you and the family member close before it happened?
2) Is there another side to the story or is it cut and dry?
3) How has the rest of your family reacted?
1) Not so close that i can condone what they have done, it would be easier to never see them again than pretend everythings cool.
2) Its pretty cut and dry.
3) early days yet, i havent really got in touch with everyone yet.
For now, it's fine not talking to the person but I would advise talking to the other family members as soon as possible
Given the hurt that these actions have put on another family member in particular id say some strife has already occured. If me not talking to this person gets me excluded somewhat from the family, im honestly okay with that. I dont see that happening however.
It might be a single horrendous incident or a lifetime of abuse, but yeah, being family doesn't absolve them of their obligation to not be an asshole.
I'm a big believer that the people you choose to bring into your life, a sort of family-by-choice, is of a much greater importance. They're the ones who will support you, who understand you, and it's a relationship where you've both knowingly decided that the other person was important to you. Blood only means so much sometimes.
When you do something like this, it's not just a thing between you and that person. It becomes a burden on your family. You force people to take sides, or to try and get you both to reconcile. Even more pedestrian things, like family events, leave people upset, not knowing what to do. You become a subject of gossip. It could continue for as long as you aren't talking to them.
Now, you haven't said what has happened, but it doesn't sound to me like you think the whole family will cut this person out, so you're going to end up in this situation. You have to judge whether you think it's worth it.
Now, if you're asking if your response to the situation is reasonable in general, it's very, very difficult to say without knowing more. Without giving any specifics, can you give us an idea on the scale of, say, "stole some paper clips" to "attempted murder"? Might make it a little easier to advise.
I mean, I can't adequately convey in such a short space what a total asshole he is. There are plenty of examples over the last 20-30 years - that's just the latest one. Suffice to say, I hate him quite thoroughly and feel no guilt in writing the shithead off forever.
As to whether or not it is reasonable to write someone off for the reason you just specified, I don't think there's an objective index of reasonability here. I don't think anyone here can absolve you of whatever guilt you might feel from cutting this person off - either you feel it or you don't. I feel zero guilt in my situation. I guess if you feel potentially guilty for this, you have to ask yourself why and to what degree. And if you don't, don't worry about it. Family is important, but it's not so important that you have to accept everything they say and do just because they are family.
Are you 100% confident in what you heard is the truth? Or is it all hearsay from friends and family? My experience is stories get exaggerated, memories get twisted, people lie.
The reason I wouldn't advocate straight cut-off because that's an easy way out that usually is based more on fiction than fact--something for peace of mind over actual reality. Also, the fallout just won't deal with you, it'll ripple through the family. You better be damn sure of what you think before you start writing off immediate family members (mother, father, brother, sister--not the uncle and extended family stories in this thread). Like, sure enough you could convict them beyond a reasonable doubt. And even then, you still won't talk to them about it?
Nothing as dramatic as what happened to you; grandmother and aunt had falling out, aunt refused to talk to grandmother for years, wouldn't help with care of grandmother, family gatherings difficult etc. etc.
Personally, I think you're justified, and I'm actually quite a big fan of removing negative people from your life. I think it's a lot healthier than trying to keep them around and dealing with their crap. However, I just wanted to point out that it's a decision that isn't necessarily about you and him, but includes the rest of your family too.
For me, the line was drawn when I become so uncomfortable around the person in question that I have to separate myself from them to maintain my own sanity. I recently had to make that decision about one of my relatives because of things they'd done (or tried to do) to me in my past and were still attempting. The last time I visited them I had constant panic attacks because of how anxious I felt around them. I haven't cut them completely out of my life, because they still maintain contact with my parents, but I no longer visit them and I refuse to be alone in the same room/house as them.
On the other hand, I still maintain a cordial relationship with a family member that emotionally abused me for most of my childhood because I still feel too close to them to write them off completely.
In the end, the line is something you have to decide the location of. But you shouldn't maintain a relationship with someone who hurts you or someone you love out of a sense of "family loyalty".
Now, only you understand the way your family works. Just be mindful of what the ramifications of this decision will be. Will your actions in distancing yourself from this person create a situation that could hurt another family member that you do care for?
As an example, I have 2 older brothers who are terrible people, they have repeatedly stolen from me, and other and generally are a source of disappointment and woe for my parents. I have no interest in maintaining a relationship with them, however I am perfectly capable of being civil and not causing a scene around them, and ruining a family gathering that they attend.
I would explain that you find the person's actions completely reprehensible, and then I would stop talking to him or her for a while. A few months, maybe. The problem with burning bridges is that they can be tough to mend. Let's say that, in a year or so (or maybe even right now) this person realizes the depth of their mistake and wishes to make amends. Furthermore, outright stating "I'm cutting you out of my life" seems as though it would put undue stress on the rest of your family, and might even be construed as creating unnecessary drama at a point where the family is already going through some tough times.
I guess my advice would be to explain that you're most definitely not okay with what happened, and then consciously avoid the person. Screen their phone calls and such. But don't call them up and say "I'm never talking to you again" or anything.
You know, this really needs to be repeated again, because this poster is exactly right. I have a large extended family, and oh lord does the gossipy backstabbing go on for days. Especially now that they all found facebook. If you're relying on second hand knowledge, I'd be very careful of making any sort of stand until you've sussed out the whole truth and whether anyone is just looking to grind an axe with some vicious rumor mongering.
Also an important thing to ask yourself in situations like this is: "Is this any of my business?"
My uncle, after my grandfather's funeral, was pissed that my grandfather's "common law" family was left pretty much everything my Grandfather owned. My uncle rarely spoke to my Grandfather, or my Mother, and only got chummy when grandpa was sick. So he sped back to the house post funeral, loaded up his truck with loot, and sped away as people were getting there. We have never spoken to him since.
A lot of my family is racist as shit, and completely self absorbed. The aunts and uncles of my cousin (and birth mother) will constantly talk down about the others, and try to outdo each other in the eyes of my cousin... He is 3, and mixed race. This was incredibly annoying and stupid, but i don't see them much so i just deal.
It could be an isolated incident, or a lifetime of being a shithead. There is no line, it's just what you want to put up with. It's also possible to be civil with a family member even though you are disgusted by them. you don't have to shun them, or whatever, unless you want to!
You make your own choices in life, you do what you can live with, and don't do what you can't live with, then you move on. Life is too short and precious to fill it with people you can't abide.
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I've had to distance myself from my dad and my half-brother (same dad, different mothers) because they're both sort of shit-heads. Small disclaimer, though - weak or non-existent relationship with them both, so it wasn't very difficult on my end. Plus I live 1,300 miles away.
It sounds like what they did was pretty despicable. But they say forgiveness is divine... If you don't want to deal with them, then don't. In the end, it's all up to you buddy!