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Ima gunna help you get a job
futility
Registered User, ClubPA regular
Registered User, ClubPA regular
I'm an employer and being such I happen to hire people. Recently having put up an advertisement for an awesome job I've come to meet a lot of excited applicants.
Here's where the my helping you comes in to play. I want to give anyone who reads this an edge. In part because I care about... Ok really because I just came across a mailbox full of crimes against humanity. So just for starters here are a few tips. And by tips I mean mostly stupid things 90% of job applicants do.
1. Have a fucking cover letter
I don't know who the fuck you are and your resume doesn't say anything about you as a person. Why don't you try telling me (briefly) in your own words who you are and why you want the job. And as a bit of a side note. If I advertised a job a Starbucks, don't tell me how much of a pleasure it is to be applying for a job at Coffee Bean.
2. A prospective employer is not your buddy
"oh yeah sure I'd love that job. call me" A cover letter does not make. Do not use ANY sort of colloquial statement, use a modicum of proper grammar (at the very least capital letters when they apply), and for god sakes proofread what you just wrote and think about what you just said.
3. Know your adversary
Seriously, if you're applying to my office job, I don't care that you spend the past 20 years as a sherpa, all that tells me is you've never worked in an office. Also if I said I wanted someone who can use
4. Your resume makes you look like an idiot
You need to include a resume, but chances are it looks bad. That's ok, really. But try formatting it, learn how to use tables to make it look nice (OMG... what's that M$... you have resume templates... nowai!). And if your screen is covered in squiggly red lines when you send your resume off to me, guess what I'm gonna see when I open up the file. As a pointer try and make yourself stand out through your resume. I remember a resume from 4 years ago still because the girl listed as a talent that she could type in many fonts. That's smart.
And lastly, the number one thing that will help you get a job. CALL BACK. Please repeat the following: "Hi, I just wanted to make sure you got my resume".
Congratulations you just jumped to the top of the pile.
Here's where the my helping you comes in to play. I want to give anyone who reads this an edge. In part because I care about... Ok really because I just came across a mailbox full of crimes against humanity. So just for starters here are a few tips. And by tips I mean mostly stupid things 90% of job applicants do.
1. Have a fucking cover letter
I don't know who the fuck you are and your resume doesn't say anything about you as a person. Why don't you try telling me (briefly) in your own words who you are and why you want the job. And as a bit of a side note. If I advertised a job a Starbucks, don't tell me how much of a pleasure it is to be applying for a job at Coffee Bean.
2. A prospective employer is not your buddy
"oh yeah sure I'd love that job. call me" A cover letter does not make. Do not use ANY sort of colloquial statement, use a modicum of proper grammar (at the very least capital letters when they apply), and for god sakes proofread what you just wrote and think about what you just said.
3. Know your adversary
Seriously, if you're applying to my office job, I don't care that you spend the past 20 years as a sherpa, all that tells me is you've never worked in an office. Also if I said I wanted someone who can use
4. Your resume makes you look like an idiot
You need to include a resume, but chances are it looks bad. That's ok, really. But try formatting it, learn how to use tables to make it look nice (OMG... what's that M$... you have resume templates... nowai!). And if your screen is covered in squiggly red lines when you send your resume off to me, guess what I'm gonna see when I open up the file. As a pointer try and make yourself stand out through your resume. I remember a resume from 4 years ago still because the girl listed as a talent that she could type in many fonts. That's smart.
And lastly, the number one thing that will help you get a job. CALL BACK. Please repeat the following: "Hi, I just wanted to make sure you got my resume".
Congratulations you just jumped to the top of the pile.
futility on
0
Posts
Who uses resumes anyway. I let my penis do all the talking.
it's probably not highly moral but the people who give your company advice before even being hired and talk about what badasses they are and are only looking for executive positions get thrown away simply because deleting them makes me giggle
OBJECTIVE: To make your already successful Fortune 500 company even more successfuler.
Education: High School 2001-2002 No Diploma
How could you go wrong with a resume like that?
He just wants to make you more successful.
JordynNolz.com <- All my blogs (Shepard, Wasted, J'onn, DCAU) are here now!
Yes plz
I have not seen this yet
NNID: Hakkekage
tuque@xxxxxx.com
Seattle, WA 98103
Education:
-Home schooled
-Litter Box trained
Previous Experience:
-has been a cat entire life
*Responsible for filling entire household cuteness quota, 2003-2006
-drummer
*can only play Wipeout
Qualifications:
-Excellently groomed
-Has been hilariously photographed and featured on internet
-Red pillow certified
JordynNolz.com <- All my blogs (Shepard, Wasted, J'onn, DCAU) are here now!
It's amazing how so many babysitters and people who helps raise their siblings or nieces and nephews think that they qualify.
That's like saying that having the high score in bartender means you don't need to be trained as one.
I don't want to hire your dead cat... sorry
what?
JordynNolz.com <- All my blogs (Shepard, Wasted, J'onn, DCAU) are here now!
NNID: Hakkekage
References are availaible upon request.
JordynNolz.com <- All my blogs (Shepard, Wasted, J'onn, DCAU) are here now!
I figured that's why he's not filling the cuteness quota now
He's a very grumpy cat.
JordynNolz.com <- All my blogs (Shepard, Wasted, J'onn, DCAU) are here now!
No, we just have two cats now so he's not doing it all by himself anymore.
The other cat doesn't have a resume yet.
JordynNolz.com <- All my blogs (Shepard, Wasted, J'onn, DCAU) are here now!
*throws horse shoe*
JordynNolz.com <- All my blogs (Shepard, Wasted, J'onn, DCAU) are here now!
Fuck, now I have to print out a bunch of new copies, and I'm out of pink paper.
crze4u_juggalo@juggaloworldwide.net
Da Circus, WA 98103
Education:
-From da circus
-Can paint my own face
Previous Experience:
-Fucked many juggalettes
-Went to 16 ICP concerts
Qualifications:
-Very rad face paint
-Lovable clown
-Gangsta.
-I hustle everyday
Like this;
I find that I am an easy going guy. I love jokes.
But with pubes instead of ink.
Is that okay?
Devil penises.
Also: Having your dad as a boss SUCKSSSS.
Follow well in order, get your weapons ready,
Have you your pistols? Have you your sharp-edged axes?
Pioneers! O pioneers!
This guy knows where it is at.
Ooh that reminds me. Your email should be your name. John_Do@something.com. Rad4rum3r97897093@xyz.com will be forgotten very quickly
Yes. Yes I did.
I could not sound awkward or like an idiot with the way they asked the question.
I had worked in warehouses and a catalog mailer during collage. In college I received a degree in biochemistry .
I applied for a position in pharnaceutical manufacture.
I really did not have a plan when I went to collage so the degree I have is due to being ushered into it, rather than continuing my meandering years of class.
I forgot what they said I just remember the general idea of it and how akward it was.
Can I have some free ones?
If there were any free hobnobs around, I would have eaten them already.