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Was I Rude?
Mim
dead.Registered User regular
dead.Registered User regular
This past week, my friend whom we’ll call Ashley, came to attend my graduation ceremony. This Sunday, it was time for Ashley to fly back home and this is when things became pretty stressful. The night before my dad told us we’d be leaving at 8 in the morning to drop her off at the airport as her flight was to take off at 10:55, as my parents did not want her to miss her flight, plus they had to attend church at 10:30.
At first, Ashley thought he was dropping her off AT 8 to which she said “I am not waking up at 6:30 in the morning to wait at the airport for three hours. We’re leaving at 8. And I want to eat breakfast. Although I guess I could eat that at the airport”, which to me seemed kind of dickish because it wasn’t like we really had a choice in the matter. When it was clarified we’d be leaving at 8, she calmed a little but began saying we were assholes for dropping her off at the airport to be bored for a couple of hours. She didn’t say this to my parents, but she said it to me and whether or not she was joking, I wasn’t amused.
The next morning, I walk the dog for half an hour and by the time I get back it’s 7:30. I take care of the dog, go upstairs and change my shirt so I could get ready to go to church myself. I don’t believe I had said anything to her by this point, as she was getting ready and I saw she was dressed. I went downstairs was just waiting around. About 7:45 or 7:50 I went upstairs seeing if she was packed, which she wasn’t, not completely. Her hair dryer was still out and I offered to put it in her bag to help move the process along. She said she still needed it. So I said
“Dude, there isn’t any time for you to wash your hair”
“Oh I’m not, I’m going to just wet my hair”
“Yeah, but we have to get going soon so we can get you to the airport. We don’t live a hop, skip and a jump away from the airport and we have to consider traffic”
“Well you guys told me 8 am and I’m not leaving before then. If you wanted to leave earlier then you should’ve told me last night but we’re not leaving until 8. It wouldn’t be bad if you dropped me off at 8:30 or 9:00”
“My parents have church, I don’t know how much time to takes to get to the airport but I’m guessing about an hour and then we have to head all the way back in the other direction to get to church”
“Well I’m not leaving until 8”
I went back downstairs, hoping my folks weren’t going to get antsy. My mom began to but soon my friend came down and said “Sorry for the wait” which pissed me off because it wasn’t like she was running behind on accident, she was taking her time because she didn’t want to leave so she wouldn’t be bored, never mind the fact that my family had somewhere to be.
We got to the airport at about 8:30, luckily there wasn’t traffic. I said my goodbyes to her but I was pretty pissed on the inside because of her behavior. Surprisingly we made it to church and took care of some errands by about 9:47. She texted me asking if we were going to make it to church on time and I lied because I knew she was going to pitch a fit if I said “Oh yeah, we made it with plenty of time to spare” because we could’ve left later so she could wet her hair and style it the way she wanted to and she wouldn’t be bored at the airport. I said we were running a little behind, but that hopefully we’d make it on time to church, not to guilt her but so she wouldn’t complain about us moving so fast this morning.
This exchange of texts happened. Spoilered for length:
After awhile I couldn’t talk to her because I was in church, but she texted me when she landed to make sure I wasn’t mad at her. When I said that I wasn’t because at that point I just didn’t care anymore and wanted to stop arguing she said “Yeah i'm over that i just want to make sure you're not mad at me cause you get like.. Into that.” Which I thought was kind of rich coming from her as she just spent a good 20 minutes arguing with me because she felt rushed, even though we still left AT 8 (which is when she would be willing to leave) and the only thing she didn’t get to do was wet and blow dry her hair.
Did I fuck up somewhere by hoping my friend would be ready 10-15 minutes earlier, then proceeding to give her the 10-15 minutes after trying to earnestly and not angrily explain to her that my parents had other things to do and it’d be good to hurry up? What can I do to avoid this next time with other people?
TL;DR - Friend felt rushed when I explained to her 10-15 minutes before we had to leave that my folks had other things to do and she couldn't take longer. She gets the 10-15 minutes anyhow but then proceeds to get mad at me and imply I was an asshole because I didn't give her three extra minutes to do her hair the way she wanted to.
At first, Ashley thought he was dropping her off AT 8 to which she said “I am not waking up at 6:30 in the morning to wait at the airport for three hours. We’re leaving at 8. And I want to eat breakfast. Although I guess I could eat that at the airport”, which to me seemed kind of dickish because it wasn’t like we really had a choice in the matter. When it was clarified we’d be leaving at 8, she calmed a little but began saying we were assholes for dropping her off at the airport to be bored for a couple of hours. She didn’t say this to my parents, but she said it to me and whether or not she was joking, I wasn’t amused.
The next morning, I walk the dog for half an hour and by the time I get back it’s 7:30. I take care of the dog, go upstairs and change my shirt so I could get ready to go to church myself. I don’t believe I had said anything to her by this point, as she was getting ready and I saw she was dressed. I went downstairs was just waiting around. About 7:45 or 7:50 I went upstairs seeing if she was packed, which she wasn’t, not completely. Her hair dryer was still out and I offered to put it in her bag to help move the process along. She said she still needed it. So I said
“Dude, there isn’t any time for you to wash your hair”
“Oh I’m not, I’m going to just wet my hair”
“Yeah, but we have to get going soon so we can get you to the airport. We don’t live a hop, skip and a jump away from the airport and we have to consider traffic”
“Well you guys told me 8 am and I’m not leaving before then. If you wanted to leave earlier then you should’ve told me last night but we’re not leaving until 8. It wouldn’t be bad if you dropped me off at 8:30 or 9:00”
“My parents have church, I don’t know how much time to takes to get to the airport but I’m guessing about an hour and then we have to head all the way back in the other direction to get to church”
“Well I’m not leaving until 8”
I went back downstairs, hoping my folks weren’t going to get antsy. My mom began to but soon my friend came down and said “Sorry for the wait” which pissed me off because it wasn’t like she was running behind on accident, she was taking her time because she didn’t want to leave so she wouldn’t be bored, never mind the fact that my family had somewhere to be.
We got to the airport at about 8:30, luckily there wasn’t traffic. I said my goodbyes to her but I was pretty pissed on the inside because of her behavior. Surprisingly we made it to church and took care of some errands by about 9:47. She texted me asking if we were going to make it to church on time and I lied because I knew she was going to pitch a fit if I said “Oh yeah, we made it with plenty of time to spare” because we could’ve left later so she could wet her hair and style it the way she wanted to and she wouldn’t be bored at the airport. I said we were running a little behind, but that hopefully we’d make it on time to church, not to guilt her but so she wouldn’t complain about us moving so fast this morning.
This exchange of texts happened. Spoilered for length:
her: Okay you guys have no right to be pissed at me
me: Uh. No one said anything.
her: You bitched at me for wanting to fix my hair and then nobody said a word on the drive to the airport. You know how long it takes me to dry my hair? Three minutes
me: No one really talks in the car in general. Also, we were at the mercy of my parents schedule, and it was nice of them to take us to the airport. I didn't bitch. I was trying to get you to see that we weren't running on free time because my folks had other things to do
her: Yes it was and i appreciate it, but you came up there acting like i should have magically known all that stuff you were telling me. I didn't think we were running on free time, i was going by the schedule we discussed the night before. The morning while someone is getting ready on schedule isn't the time to suddenly tell them they can't finish getting ready because they actually need to be ready half an hour earlier. You see what i mean? That's the part i thought was shitty. I respect your parents and don't want to trample all over their time but that was ridiculous. Also why couldn't we have taken the train? I have money. Then you wouldn't have had to go to church
me: Dude you got to the airport at 830 which is one of the two times you said would be okay to drop you off. Now you want to argue because you didn't get 3 minutes to do your hair? I don't know all of my parents' plans before we go somewhere if I'm getting a ride. No one said anything this morning and I was just trying to no piss off my folks
her: Would three minute have killed you? But no that isn't the point. You just up and made me feel like a giant asshole out of the blue this morning for no reason and i thought that was bullshit okay? Christ
me: My intention wasn't to make you feel like an asshole.
me: Uh. No one said anything.
her: You bitched at me for wanting to fix my hair and then nobody said a word on the drive to the airport. You know how long it takes me to dry my hair? Three minutes
me: No one really talks in the car in general. Also, we were at the mercy of my parents schedule, and it was nice of them to take us to the airport. I didn't bitch. I was trying to get you to see that we weren't running on free time because my folks had other things to do
her: Yes it was and i appreciate it, but you came up there acting like i should have magically known all that stuff you were telling me. I didn't think we were running on free time, i was going by the schedule we discussed the night before. The morning while someone is getting ready on schedule isn't the time to suddenly tell them they can't finish getting ready because they actually need to be ready half an hour earlier. You see what i mean? That's the part i thought was shitty. I respect your parents and don't want to trample all over their time but that was ridiculous. Also why couldn't we have taken the train? I have money. Then you wouldn't have had to go to church
me: Dude you got to the airport at 830 which is one of the two times you said would be okay to drop you off. Now you want to argue because you didn't get 3 minutes to do your hair? I don't know all of my parents' plans before we go somewhere if I'm getting a ride. No one said anything this morning and I was just trying to no piss off my folks
her: Would three minute have killed you? But no that isn't the point. You just up and made me feel like a giant asshole out of the blue this morning for no reason and i thought that was bullshit okay? Christ
me: My intention wasn't to make you feel like an asshole.
After awhile I couldn’t talk to her because I was in church, but she texted me when she landed to make sure I wasn’t mad at her. When I said that I wasn’t because at that point I just didn’t care anymore and wanted to stop arguing she said “Yeah i'm over that i just want to make sure you're not mad at me cause you get like.. Into that.” Which I thought was kind of rich coming from her as she just spent a good 20 minutes arguing with me because she felt rushed, even though we still left AT 8 (which is when she would be willing to leave) and the only thing she didn’t get to do was wet and blow dry her hair.
Did I fuck up somewhere by hoping my friend would be ready 10-15 minutes earlier, then proceeding to give her the 10-15 minutes after trying to earnestly and not angrily explain to her that my parents had other things to do and it’d be good to hurry up? What can I do to avoid this next time with other people?
TL;DR - Friend felt rushed when I explained to her 10-15 minutes before we had to leave that my folks had other things to do and she couldn't take longer. She gets the 10-15 minutes anyhow but then proceeds to get mad at me and imply I was an asshole because I didn't give her three extra minutes to do her hair the way she wanted to.
BlueSky: thequeenofchaos Steam: mimspanks (add me then tell me who you are! Ask for my IG)
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Because it sounds like your friend was acting entitled and didn't care that someone was doing her a favor. I think you're fine, Mim, but in my experience, being right doesn't mean anything. You don't have to feel guilty, but there's no sense bringing this up with her if you mean to smooth things over.
I don't even remember if either of us brought up the train, honestly. Granted, even if we had taken the train, I still would've left at 8 because the bus/train system is different on Sunday than the rest of the week and I don't know it as well or how long it'd take.
Also, I don't plan to bring it up with her again. I'm sure she will make passive aggressive comments about it in the future though, which I will try to not respond to.
She was in the wrong really, but she also has a right to not like the language that is used towards her. I know I'm really sensitive to that stuff.
It does sound to me like you could have been less abrasive, but morally you were in the right.
How could I have been less abrasive though? I didn't yell at her or swear, and I tried to use my nice tone instead of the one I normally use because I was trying to keep the peace.
We left at 8, when she finished getting ready. We would've left after 8 if she did take the time to wet her hair and then blow dry it like she wanted to.
Assuming what you wrote was a 1:1 transcript of what you said to her, I think it just sounded somewhat accusatory to her. Like you were blaming her of ruining the day before it happened.
Not that you did, humans are just really good at assuming ill intent.
Okay, but what could I have said? I'm trying to avoid this happening again. I didn't think I sounded abrasive so what could I have said that would seem non-abrasive?
If I had been there and I saw that 10 minutes before we had to leave she had her hair stuff out and was planning on styling it I'd be a bit bothered too. Because 10 minutes before you leave for the airport on someone else's dime is really not the time to be styling your hair.
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In my experience, connecting present behavior to a larger habit within the context of an argument also places that argument within a larger, underlying conflict.
What I mean is that it's possible that the matter she was arguing about isn't the reason she was annoyed. It could be that she'd been holding a small grudge against you for a while that needed airing out, or maybe her treatment of you was just misdirected anger generated by some unrelated person or event.
In any case, nothing that you did, taken by itself, warranted an assy response from her. Sure 3 minutes isn't a big deal, but neither is not being able to dry your hair before a flight or having to kill an hour at the airport so your friend can make it to church.
However, you can't expect people to quantify minutes of annoyance, weigh that against the minutes they'd spend arguing, and then decide that arguing isn't worth it. People are irrational creatures, they get annoyed for stupid reasons that even they don't understand, and in the end all you can do is weather the storm and patch things up afterwards.
Something like "hey are you sure it's a good idea to wash your hair?" might have been better.
People react better when you appeal to their common sense, usually.
A free ride to the airport from somebody's parents means you get in that car when it is best for them, not you. If she would rather had taken the train she should have offered to do it when you discussed the arrangements the night before. And if you know that you are not a morning person you pack up and shower then night before so you can roll out of bed and leave right away sans morning ritual.Your friend needs to grow the fuck up.
Also, what hooraydiation said. This sounds like something else in your relationship is off somehow.
I think your friend might be a brat.
But anywho, what A B said. Someone does you a favor, you don't get to be entitled and try to dictate terms.
It would have have been slighlty 'better' if your parents were trying to cut it close, and she wanted to get there earlier. Either way, they were doing her a favor - she could have just called a cab if it was that important to her.
However, just drop it, no one will win in this case.
She tends to take her time getting ready. Like, she took about an hour getting ready to go up to the pharmacy and get some pizza by putting on her makeup and styling her hair.
I don't really go many places with her, as she is out of town so I don't see her often.
Nothing.
Well, it wasn't my intention to guilt her. I was lying to spare myself from the "Well see! We could've left later and you still would've made it on time" statement that would've surely come.
Having said that, it seems mighty trivial and I'm really not sure the word 'friend' applies to this person!
For the record you're in the right, insofar as there is a right to be in. When somebody has offered to drive you to wherever, you are on their time.
whether or not you were "rude" is sort of irrelevant because you were both acting dumb from the time you left for the airport.
that's why we call it the struggle, you're supposed to sweat
Grown ass adults don't whine about free rides to the airport. They say "thank you for saving me time and/or money".
right, by guilting her
that's why we call it the struggle, you're supposed to sweat
I still don't believe this because there is no reason that you couldn't have said something nice about getting to chruch a little early and thanking her for getting to the airport early and thus letting you get to church or you could go with the white lie of saying that you go to church on time. Also a little surprised at responses like Deebasers or Eat its since while you are on the time of the person driving they shouldn't go out of their way to inconvenience you which is like I said before pretty much what you did. Just to clarify if my position isn't clear, I have no problem with someone offering a ride to the airport and saying they have to get there by 3 hours early or whatever if there's a reason, but if you don't have a reason, which is the case here, then it's not only lazy but rude as well.
But you didnt have any reason to lie about being barely on time.
If someone asks, just respond with a general 'Yeah, we made it on time. Thanks for asking. Enjoy your trip!'.
At this point, I think it's just a thing the two of you need to let go and get over.
Personally id work on a way to be less dependant on your parents so you can do things how and when you want. And id work on being less dramatic. Things arent that serious.
but they're listening to every word I say
This is a non-event. Maybe she was being a brat, maybe you were being rude. Probably a little of both. It happens. Friends sometimes get on different pages, in different moods, and on different timetables. Wires get crossed and feelings get hurt. What's important is recognizing when it's not a big deal and laughing it off.
A single incident of early morning pre-travel grumpiness is something better swept under the rug and forgotten.