Break up time?

Ice-Nine

Edit Tues May 22: Condensed post - was freaking out because girl I'd been dating didn't seem enthusiastic about me coming to visit her while she's living a little far away. Like her, thinks she's cute, but I totally overreacted to her response and wanted to end things cold. In spite of me trying to do this, she didn't want to.

Talked things over, time and advice mellowed me out a bit, and I think things are fine. She'll be gone for a bit, but she seems to like being around me and I like being around her, so whatever happens I think we'll hang out in the future.

Thanks for the feedback and concern, all.

evanismyname

Wow, you are lucky she even sent a response to texts like that. You gotta tone it down a few notches if you ever want to romantically break the ice with anyone in the future. You are waaaaaay over thinking minor details, and being really presumptuous of her. Obviously she's interested in you, but you are likely going to kill that if you keep having such disproportionate responses to normal interactions. You've been dating her for a few weeks, that's barely even a friendship let alone a relationship. It's obvious that you like her and are struggling with keeping cool, but honestly you are almost always better off reassessing your reactions and giving other people space, especially at the very beginning of a relationship. Just because you dated her for a few weeks doesn't mean she's obligated towards you in anyway shape or form. It's a lot more attractive to not sound so desperate/pushy. No one likes being pressured into participating in things that are "supposed" to be light hearted. If I was in your place, I would apologize for overreacting, in a brief message, restate your wishes for her to "enjoy her summer" and back off until she contacts you. August really is not that far away and you will seem a lot more interesting to her if your summer doesn't revolve around worrying about whether or not she's preemptively cheating on you. You have not been betrayed at all. Not in the slightest and if you really feel that way, maybe you should look into some counseling services (And I don't mean this negatively, I regularly seek counseling when I'm having inappropriate emotional responses).

Ice-Nine

Dude, she told me she doesn't like talking on the phone, and if she won't let me visit her than what the fuck? There's three goddam weeks of summer before she leaves man. How am I supposed to take that?

Here's the other thing - what is she expecting? Banal texts throughout the summer? I fucking hate texting. If that's the extent to which we can communicate than what's the point? I wasn't trying to spite her, just saying, I can't deal with a girl who's distant while I'm trying to get to know her.

evanismyname

You need to relax and find some perspective on the whole situation. Really, you've put as much energy into this as is needed. Take a step back and let her come to you. Maybe you'll see her at some point in the next 3 weeks, maybe you won't. That doesn't mean that she's playing games or not worth the trouble. She barely knows you, you can't expect her to be as enthusiastic as you are about jumping into commitment. The way you're acting looks crazy desperate. It's okay to feel, anxious, nervous, desperate, whatever. The trick is not acting on those emotions. Pick up a hobby or read a book or 3. Go jogging. Put her out of your mind, it's not healthy to dwell on that stuff. Try not to put so much importance on this one instance. Maybe it will work out, maybe it won't. You have to be willing to accept both paths, because neither one reflects on your character. Relationships and people are complicated messes. You're still young. In my experience (and I have tendencies to overreact), when it comes to communication early on in a relationship, "less is more", as cheesy as that sounds.

ceres

You do need to relax, holy fuck.

THAT SAID you are under no obligation to keep talking to her, and if you were sincere about not wanting to pursue this further your absolute best course of action is to ignore her and put it out of your head. She said she didn't want to pursue a relationship and if you are taking her on that word and don't want to talk to her anymore, that's pretty reasonable.

HOWEVER if you still like her and want to try, your best course of action is to be honest, lay your cards on the table, tell her that this is not what you had in mind and you are not an on-again-off-again kind of guy. See what she says. Really talk it out. It's probably salvageable but you need to be pretty honest with yourself and with her. Don't lump her with "that kind of girl." Give her a chance to see if she wants something.

Keep in mind that you have been seeing her for a very short period of time, and many people don't come to the point of serious exclusivity for a month or more. Chill out.

EggyToast

Yeah, you're making a lot of assumptions about her. Let's make some more -- she has a boyfriend back home that she doesn't want you to know about. She lives with her parents and hasn't told them about you. She doesn't know where you'd sleep if you come visit. She is immature and wants to keep "home" and "away" separate. Or, positive things -- even though you basically dumped her, she reached back out to you to say that she likes you in a real way and would like for it to work out.

She's open to communication. If you're not willing to wait until August, then you're free to say so (or not say so and simply act -- you've told her that you're done so you don't have to say anything else. But like Ceres said, if you do actually like her, then you have to talk to her. You've already basically dumped her, so if you want to un-dump her, you have to at least explain why you're not interested in waiting until August and so on.

wilting

One hour really isn't far to travel, you don't have to stay there, just go on a date or whatever. Come up with a reason to go to her, or for her to come to you, other than to see each other. Instead focus on interesting/fun thing in the vicinity to go to/do. Be fun, don't make a big deal of it or things. Also, you could try emailing rather than texting, allows fuller conversations, and is less intrusive on your day to day.

As for your message, give the girl a chance and stop making assumptions about her, would you.

mythago

Wow. Somebody here is playing games, and it isn't her. I mean, look at your own post. You dated her casually for a few weeks before finals.

Her: I like you, but I didn't want to get into a relationship before I left. I'm not really interested in dating over the summer, but I like you and I'd like to see you again when we get back to school in the fall.

You: I can read your mind and you are an evil, manipulative game-playing wench! I will now DRAMA EXPLOSION.

I mean, come on, man, listen to yourself. You admit that you're socially awkward and inexperienced and this girl has been patient with you, but your response to (very mild) rejection is to decide she's fucking with your head, and then to break up but not, you know, really break up because you're mad and want to yell at her.

Stop. Just stop. Accept that she didn't want the same thing you wanted, and while that's disappointing, it doesn't make her a bad human being or justify your acting like a silly goose.

Esh

Jumping on the bandwagon here.

Even if she wanted a relationship, you are so not ready for one.

Hackworth

if she is off on an internship all summer it's very unlikely you'll see her till august anyway. you are just going to have to go through this in 3 weeks all over again if you don't resolve it now. it sounds like she is genuinely interested but doesn't want to have a text/call relationship all summer (which it sounds like you don't either). so wait it out. tell her you guys will pick up where you left off in august. you can't let it ruin your summer stewing over this for no reason.

Also, girls do have Male friends, automatically assuming they are dating/interested is a mistake. You certainly aren't going to come off as "Date-able" if you flip out at the mere mention she is hanging out with one of her guy friends back home.

Relax, take a few deep breaths, and take it easy.

Melinoe

Ice-Nine wrote:

I know for a fact she's got a whole bunch of guy friends she rejected but still hangs out with. I'd rather die than be one of those losers.

Just because she didn't want to date them doesn't mean she didn't want to be friends with them. Girls are allowed to only want to be friends with guys. As has been said, you need to chillax.

Ice-Nine

Melinoe wrote: »

Ice-Nine wrote:

I know for a fact she's got a whole bunch of guy friends she rejected but still hangs out with. I'd rather die than be one of those losers.

Just because she didn't want to date them doesn't mean she didn't want to be friends with them. Girls are allowed to only want to be friends with guys. As has been said, you need to chillax.

Yeah but that's cruel when they're all in love with her - I know because she tells me they are. I think most girls don't understand how painful that is for guys.

relygyous

Sorry, but this really is high school'ish. Keep her in the distance, but don't put any effort into it. I wouldn't even drive to see her. Meet other girls in the meantime and only see her (in august?) when it's convenient for you. don't waste time and effort on her. Let her do the work. Keep other options open. it might work out with her, but she clearly isn't 100% committed or devoted to you, so you shouldn't be to her.

evanismyname

No offense dude but I think you're completely misinterpreting the situation. Why do you even have this bizarre dichotomy in your mind between being an asshole and a "sap". Those are projections from your brain that do not reflect reality. It is entirely possible to "chill out" without being a pussy. We're not trying to suggest that you roll over like a dog for this girl when we say "relax". The reason I said you were "lucky" is because most people don't operate on this spectrum between "You either LOVE ME or you're TRYING TO MANIPULATE ME" which seems to be the only two realities you are willing to accept. Of course I don't know this girl, and maybe she is kind of flirty/likes attention/ whatever. It doesn't matter, that doesn't necessarily make her a manipulative she-bitch-devil. From what you've posted it sounds like she was interested in you and if she's pulling away now, I really don't think it has to do with some weird plot to fuck you over and trample your heart, but rather that you are coming on WAY TOO STRONG(!!) and likely putting her off.

This whole "cat" vs "dog" thing is equally ridiculous. If you are "affectionate an needy" maybe you should step back and think about why you feel that way, because those kinds of personality traits are typically psychologically induced and don't do anything for you.

And who knows, maybe this girl is a playa or something and doesn't give a shit about you, that's entirely possible. But then, why are you trying to date her in the first place? You are making all kinds of character assumptions about her, by trying to read her mind, which is just not possible so give it up already. It's like you're just looking for reasons to break some idealized version of her that you have in your head. Well it doesn't exist, no one is perfect! And you're jumping to all kinds of crazy conclusions based on what seems to me to be perfectly normal behavior on her part. All you're doing now is destroying whatever chance you may have had with her (and frankly, I don't think you're ready for a relationship with her, or anyone else until you get over these weird hang ups). When we said "relax" it's because if you would stop beating this relationship into the ground, there's likely a chance that it could have sprouted and blossomed into a beautiful flower of golden sunshine.

"Relax" and do your own thing, don't worry about this girl so much. You need to be emotional secure and stable if you want a healthy relationship. Relationships are not for fulfilling your "needy" and validating desires. She's right to not want to have someone dependent on her for their own self worth.

And I have no idea what you mean by all this "aloof" talk, and about guys that are in "love with her"? That's got nothing to do with her, if those guys want to be "saps", well then that's on them. It has nothing to do with you.

evanismyname

The point is moot I guess, but I feel the need to defend myself, no disrespect intended toward people who commented. Broadly speaking, I think the advice to "chill out" is absolutely facetious. Me not being chill is what's going to lead to me not being a goddam sap.

Also, this makes no sense, at all. You not being chill is what's going to lead to you putting off more girls, because it shows a real lack of maturity. I mean look how angry you sound. Dating someone is supposed to be fun.

Ice-Nine

evanismyname wrote: »

Of course I don't know this girl, and maybe she is kind of flirty/likes attention/ whatever. It doesn't matter, that doesn't necessarily make her a manipulative she-bitch-devil. From what you've posted it sounds like she was interested in you and if she's pulling away now, I really don't think it has to do with some weird plot to fuck you over and trample your heart, but rather that you are coming on WAY TOO STRONG(!!) and likely putting her off.

Texting her every few days and asking to hang out one time is WAY TOO STRONG? Because that's literally the extent to which I communicated. Trust me, that's not the problem. I deliberately took a step back and gave her space to see what's going on. And I don't dislike her at all, or think she's purposefully manipulative. I just think she doesn't know what she's doing and if I invest more I'll end up hurt.

In any case I appreciate the feedback. Going to be as nice as possible in letting her know it's not going to work.

Mods, feel free to close thread

evanismyname

Why did you even ask for advice if you were going to reject everything you didn't want to hear? If you want to finalize everything with her, then by all means go ahead. But why are you being so dramatic about it? This is what I mean about coming on too strong. Every few days is more than plenty communication and depending on what you say (ie: "Hope you have a good summer. Seems like you're not that into me so I'm moving on.") it can be way too much.

If you would just take a step back and let her think about you over the course of a few weeks, a perfectly great relationship could grow out of that.

" I really don't think it has to do with her not wanting a relationship before she leaves, she just didn't want one with me. So that means I'm out."

Why are you making up her mind for her? I know 3 days can feel like an eternity between communications when you are emotionally invested, but for someone who is just open to exploring new friendships it can be viewed as intense, even pressured.

Anyway, I only responded to you because I've been there, emotionally, before, I know how that feels and I also know how unproductive that kind of reasoning can be. There were several other people in this thread who gave similar advice, and that's gotta count for something.

Drez

Ice-Nine wrote: »

evanismyname wrote: »

Of course I don't know this girl, and maybe she is kind of flirty/likes attention/ whatever. It doesn't matter, that doesn't necessarily make her a manipulative she-bitch-devil. From what you've posted it sounds like she was interested in you and if she's pulling away now, I really don't think it has to do with some weird plot to fuck you over and trample your heart, but rather that you are coming on WAY TOO STRONG(!!) and likely putting her off.

Texting her every few days and asking to hang out one time is WAY TOO STRONG? Because that's literally the extent to which I communicated. Trust me, that's not the problem. I deliberately took a step back and gave her space to see what's going on. And I don't dislike her at all, or think she's purposefully manipulative. I just think she doesn't know what she's doing and if I invest more I'll end up hurt.

In any case I appreciate the feedback. Going to be as nice as possible in letting her know it's not going to work.

Mods, feel free to close thread

Telling someone "I've deleted you from my life, never contact me again because I will feel bad about having to ignore you" is immature, selfish, impatient, and yes WAY over the top given the circumstances you've presented. There are times where such actions may be called for. Not in these circumstances.