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Girlfriend was raped? Or something?
Nardvark
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Yeah, ok. So I started seeing a girl about 3 weeks ago? So this is really short term. We hit it off INCREDIBLY well, to the point that I can say I fell for her faster than any girl I've ever been with (I'm 26, been in a handful of 'serious' relationships). I really like her, you guys. Like a lot.
Anyway, she lives with her ex and is about an hour and a half away from me. So yeah, the ex thing made me nervous at first and the moderate distance is bothersome (only see her on the weekends).
So this Monday she drove to me and spend a couple nights, it was great and when she left it was all "I can't wait to see you, this is so amazing, etc etc etc." Super positive, left me very happy. Then two days later she starts saying she's freaking out that she's going to ruin things between us and starts acting really weird.
I pry a bit and she tells me, "I don't make enough money to pay for rent but my ex always paid my end when we were together. Once we split up he wanted to kick me out but decided he'd keep paying my side of it in exchange for sex whenever he wanted it. But that stopped when I met you." Well, we talked more, I tried to put her mind at ease and remind her that that's in the past and I wouldn't let it change what we have (though in my head I became extremely nervous about the whole situation, questioning how easy it'd be for her to just cease something like that). She broke down crying and finally admitted that she had performed oral on him the night after she came home from my place. She also said she didn't want to but she was worried about losing her place to live and her car (which he owns).
So, as someone who really cares about her, I know how easy it is for me to paint an angelic picture of my girlfriend, assume everything she says is true and convince myself that she was raped.
Apparently she has a new apartment lined up for July (without ex boyfriend) because of this. She also tells me constantly how she feels like a horrible person and that she cares for me, is so sorry. Blah blah blah. I certainly believe these things.
Today she tells me she wants to rewind the relationship to before we were a couple and spend more time like that, because she thinks we got too close too fast and wants to settle down. To me this says "I don't have any way to pay for rent other than going down on my ex from time to time, so I'd rather not be in a relationship so that it's not considered cheating."
A big question I have is, if she's really stuck in an abusive situation, do I have obligations here? Do I need to get her help? Would it be wrong for me to just walk away? SHOULD I walk away? I've never met a girl like this, so that's not going to be easy for me, but I understand that "easy" isn't always "right." Was what happened even considered rape if she didn't try to stop it? If we do split up, would it be retarded of me to get back together with her in July? I typically part ways with almost all my exes and never really talk to them again (except for one that I started talking to like four years later). I also hate splitting up with a girl and seeing all her guy friends on Facebook hit on her.. that's just a I thing of mine.
Anyway, thanks for reading all this.
Anyway, she lives with her ex and is about an hour and a half away from me. So yeah, the ex thing made me nervous at first and the moderate distance is bothersome (only see her on the weekends).
So this Monday she drove to me and spend a couple nights, it was great and when she left it was all "I can't wait to see you, this is so amazing, etc etc etc." Super positive, left me very happy. Then two days later she starts saying she's freaking out that she's going to ruin things between us and starts acting really weird.
I pry a bit and she tells me, "I don't make enough money to pay for rent but my ex always paid my end when we were together. Once we split up he wanted to kick me out but decided he'd keep paying my side of it in exchange for sex whenever he wanted it. But that stopped when I met you." Well, we talked more, I tried to put her mind at ease and remind her that that's in the past and I wouldn't let it change what we have (though in my head I became extremely nervous about the whole situation, questioning how easy it'd be for her to just cease something like that). She broke down crying and finally admitted that she had performed oral on him the night after she came home from my place. She also said she didn't want to but she was worried about losing her place to live and her car (which he owns).
So, as someone who really cares about her, I know how easy it is for me to paint an angelic picture of my girlfriend, assume everything she says is true and convince myself that she was raped.
Apparently she has a new apartment lined up for July (without ex boyfriend) because of this. She also tells me constantly how she feels like a horrible person and that she cares for me, is so sorry. Blah blah blah. I certainly believe these things.
Today she tells me she wants to rewind the relationship to before we were a couple and spend more time like that, because she thinks we got too close too fast and wants to settle down. To me this says "I don't have any way to pay for rent other than going down on my ex from time to time, so I'd rather not be in a relationship so that it's not considered cheating."
A big question I have is, if she's really stuck in an abusive situation, do I have obligations here? Do I need to get her help? Would it be wrong for me to just walk away? SHOULD I walk away? I've never met a girl like this, so that's not going to be easy for me, but I understand that "easy" isn't always "right." Was what happened even considered rape if she didn't try to stop it? If we do split up, would it be retarded of me to get back together with her in July? I typically part ways with almost all my exes and never really talk to them again (except for one that I started talking to like four years later). I also hate splitting up with a girl and seeing all her guy friends on Facebook hit on her.. that's just a I thing of mine.
Anyway, thanks for reading all this.
Nardvark on
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You sure she isnt just crazy or something?
but they're listening to every word I say
These are things she told me, not me making excuses for her.
I just think there must be a solution other than prostituting herself to her ex. If she isn't lying then she hasn't thought about it very much.
but they're listening to every word I say
You have no obligations, no. Honestly sounds like a big bag of trouble to me - anyone who let herself get that 'owned' by someone else is likely to make future bad decisions. Like wanting to continue the pay for play and not try to get out on her own.
I'd end it and never speak to her again.
That's all easier said than done though, since your feelings for her are so intense.
Good luck.
It just doesnt add up. She has money to pay for 3 hours worth of driving but none for rent? She is making the easy decision and just going with it. I'd do as she wants, step back. Then reevaluate if she is the kind of person you want to be with.
but they're listening to every word I say
I guess the abusive situation thing depends on what's happening. I don't think it's impossible that she feels trapped and he's taking advantage of that.
But yeah... maybe taking a step back is for the best. I feel even if she is being completely honest with me, my presence is really only complicating things.
Help her look for new jobs, or encourage her to ask for more hours. Or go the financial aid office to inquire about grants/loans/etc.
This could be an emotionally abusive situation for her where she feels trapped and is being used and controlled. But that is just speculation. And you just don't know exactly what this relationship with the ex is like. It would seem like she needs time to sort this out for herself.
If you can be friends with her without it making you nuts over your feelings for her, maybe you can be moral support as she gets through this.
@Raz...You're right. It could be. And to the OP, you can even get the forms for housing assistance and give them to her. Same for food assistance. Someone with as little income as her would have no problem qualifying.
And we broke up pretty quickly and she went back to dating him.
I encountered this again years later. The girl moved out the first chance she got and we've been together ever since.
My advice is simple: keep things friendly and casual until she moves out. If she's serious about moving on, she shouldn't have any issues finding a way to avoid selling herself out anymore.
Warframe: TheBaconDwarf
And I deeply appreciate everyone's input on this.
I just got off the phone with her. We just called it quits on the relationship and I guess we're going to try and be friends. Bleh. This sucks. I did take her off my Facebook, though.
Anyway, I got the "I'm just not ready for a relationship" line. So whatever.
Thanks everyone. I'm pretty bummed but I think I was able to accept that this is for the best thanks to you fine chaps (and ladies if there're any out there).
Just be careful - drama tends to expand ever-outward, pulling bystanders in.
You can call it consensual intercourse, since she is consenting? It might be toting the line of prostitution, but the story as she describes it isn't rape in any way. It's just her agreeing to give oral so she can have a place to stay.
Sorry this didn't work out for you, but as noted I would suggest you don't attempt to continue this relationship in the future, since it is likely that she will contact you again.
But I'm a very impulsive person when it comes to relationships. Most people would think that a move like that would be to quick.
Yes, she has other options. But not everyone is capable of realizing that. If she's in a situation where she feels like she has to have sex with a guy she doesn't want to, that can really mess up a person the longer it has to go on. She's probably really suffering.
As far as being friends... I doubt you can be friends with someone you have feelings for who is staying in an abusive situation. I don't know. I personally could not stand it. It would hurt too much to care about someone who's situation is not changing.
Read my fairy tale webcomic, The Fox & The Firebird, at: http://www.fairytaletwisted.com
This. I can tell you that when you're in a situation where you don't want to have sex but feel like you have to or consequences, it really, really fucks with your head, and yes, you do suffer, and yes, I do kind of consider the situation rape. It's exploitation, at the very least. She probably won't even realize how badly the situation is hurting her for quite a while after she gets out of it. If she's saying that she's consenting, there's probably nothing you can do about it, though. I'd say that if you care about her you should stay friends. Doesn't mean you need to date her later or ever, but if you care about her as a person or as a friend, you should think about just keeping in touch.
I just checked today and she's still posing online. Seriously, this'll be NOTHING but trouble.
Worst case scenario, she's lying to you and there's a very abnormal situation going on with her and her ex.
"Best" case scenario, she's telling the truth and is giving it out for rent money. I don't think anyone (including you) has enough information at this point to determine what's really going on over there, but it's pretty fucked regardless.
You'll notice that both scenarios are very, very shitty. If I were you, I'd tell her to give you a call when she has moved out, moved on, and straightened this shit out. Tell her you're only a phone call away if she ever needs someone to talk to, but you're not going to get involved romantically with her in her current situation.
Edit: erm, missed your update. Glad it worked out.. sorta.
No offense dude, but posing nude online is not even the same thing. And you sound awfully judgmental. In regards to the OP, I agree that while it is unfortunate circumstances that she is in, she is the one who must make the decision to remove herself from the situation completely.
Yeah it is in most places. I'd probably peg it as sex slavery.
But, from the sound of it, the guy was paying for her the entire time they were together, and when it ended his terms were to either get out, or if you want to keep staying here free, then you can get in bed.
She fully opted for choice B, and the terms of that choice were laid our in front of her with a take it or leave it.
Now, that's not saying she doesn't feel bad for it, and it isn't messing with her sense of worth and all that. But it still isn't even close to rape unless the situation was more along the lines of "you will sleep with me and stay here or bad things will happen".
If I had to guess, I'd say this girl has never really had to be responsible for herself before, and being on her own with no one to pay her way, or at least help out a lot is just something she has no experience with. The ex can simply reinforce those fears and play on them. Makes her very naive, and a very easy target for people like that. But that's just speculation on my part.
Hopefully she does get that new Apt and cuts all ties with the ex. I'd say take it on a case by case basis. Keep in touch off and on, and if see what she does with herself. She could very well be an awesome person once she's gotten herself out of that situation.
And re: darqness
Yes, it's possible this situation could lead to this girl being completely messed up and sabotaging relationships afterwards, possibly for the rest of her life. But she could also get out of it and just move on with her life and be completely normal.
I host a podcast about movies.
I suppose I will post an update as it's been a couple days and I have had time to think on the whole situation.
We haven't been talking nearly as much as when we were together which may or may not be because of how weird this all is and it's a bit awkward. But I'm trying to keep in touch, and she seems to be as well. I don't want to ask how things are between her and her ex and she hasn't given me any of that information but I'm pretty okay with that, because I think I'd rather not know.
As far as I know, her plan is to drop out of college and take on a full-time job and move into the basement of her friend's new place (in July, when said friend acquires said place). She made it pretty clear that she wants me to wait for that and then think about getting back together. Normally I'm completely against girls wanting me to wait for something before we get together (it's a recurring theme in my relationships, it would seem) but honestly I've had a good 2 year string of bad luck in relationships so I don't really feel like getting back into it right now. I'm not telling her "Yes! I will wait till July and then we will live happily ever after!" I'm just not saying "no."
Of course if she needs help with something or someone to talk to I'll be unable to resist, but I feel like I'm making a good decision. Or at least not the wrong one. If anyone has any more input I'd be more than happy to read it. And I'll be sure to come back with updates or concerns if any arise. You've all be a tremendous help. It's fairly likely I'll need more help sometime around July.
Note:
No unprotected sex, so I'm all good there.
Is the friend she's moving in with in July a guy?
Even if she stops the prostitution, it's going to bring a metric ton of baggage into any relationship you two have.
I know it seems like the situations are similar from your perspective, but I really don't think they match very well.
She comes home after a date with Nardvark, and ends up giving a blow job to the ex? There's definitely some emotional blackmail/abuse coming from him in that situation. "You think you can get away from me so easy, I'll prove I can still control you" - that's what that situation sounds like to me. If a woman poses nude or something along that nature just because she needs the money that's one thing. If she has sex with a man because he's exerting power over her, that's something entirely different.
Yeah, unless she's completely lying (and why would she even bring up that she had sex with the ex if she were going to lie to the op? She could just pretend it never happened) I would definitely classify this as rape.
But fuck you — no, fuck y'all, that's as blunt as it gets"
- Kendrick Lamar, "The Blacker the Berry"
Stay away from these people. You can do better.
@nardvark I'm siding with Deebaser here. The situation is f'ed up in ways you probably don't even know about.
She's a freeloader.
You don't say? Couples that break up usually don't continue to share a place, especially when one of them isn't paying rent. Is she even on the lease?
It's official. Neither of the people in this story are the good guy. She agreed to prostitute herself for access to a car and free rent.
Only it apparently didn't. She wanted to go back to freeloading, but is worried about losing the car she doesn't own (that she can apparently disappear with for a few days) and the apartment she doesn't pay for.
Just bail dude. These people have issues.
This.
You've already pointed out just seeing other guys hit on your ex's on facebook is outside your jealousy comfort zone, I think whether you like it or not going out with a girl who you know has a history of giving sexual favours in exchange for goods and services is going to cause.... trust issues in any relationship you may have. Honestly man, save yourself future heartbreak, walk away. I'd say stay friends with her because she sounds like she could use it but I'll throw in a reality check too, this girl has problems, you need to know that going in even as a friend. So you have to judge if you're in a place right now where you can deal with that kind of baggage not to mention the emotional hurt of having feelings for her you can't/probably shouldn't act on.
Good luck man.
It might hurt now, but I would strongly recommend that you cut off communication entirely and walk away. It's either that or you will have to work very, very hard to be as objective, impartial, and emotionally detached as possible while talking to her. Read that last sentence and and make an honest assessment about how well you would be able to pull that off, as the vast majority of humanity would fail miserably in the attempt.