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Embarrassing sexual anxiety problem
Althusser
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So the title says it. About two months ago I lost my erection having sex with my girlfriend and the next day I tried again and it went away soon after putting the condom on and could not be resuscitated. Back then it was probably due to getting 3-4 hours of sleep a night but now has evolved into a new kind of problem that exists even with normal sleep/diet/exercise. There have been sporadic successes but mostly failures. It's hard to get hard at all and when I do it's hard to keep it. Thinking about sex now gives me a lot of anxiety about what feels like inevitable disappointment when I lose the boner. My girlfriend has been patient and says it's no big deal and I believe her but I feel so crappy about not being able to have sex with her regularly, and I feel like its planting a seed for our eventual break up which is even more distressing. And the feeling of not being able to please her is causing other anxieties as well, along with paranoid fantasies about her thinking about other guys, comparing myself unfavorably to her ex-boyfriends, this insistent feeling of self-debasement when I think about her buying a new sex toy or something, and increased sensitivity to jealousness, and this feeling that she doesn't find me attractive anymore and this impression that she doesn't want to initiate making out or sex or anything of that because she knows it will end in frustration.
Hopefully someone has dealt with and knows how to bring it back to normal. Ughhhhhhhhhh.
Hopefully someone has dealt with and knows how to bring it back to normal. Ughhhhhhhhhh.
Althusser on
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In your intimate times with her, don't pressure yourself into thinking you have to perform a certain way. Just have a good time with her and take things slow. There are other things besides intercourse. The less you focus on your perceived shortcomings while you two are together and just enjoy whatever it is you are doing together the better this will end up for you.
There's certainly a few things you can do. If necessary you can pursue some form of therapy to deal with anxiety. I'm not an authority to that so I won't speak to it.
What I would suggest is thinking less about you, and your perceived failings (And I recognize that if it was as easy as just doing that you would have already) and focusing on your partner for a bit. If you have concerns about satisfying her, perhaps investigate alternate methods you can give her pleasure without needing to pop a boner? See this as a great opportunity to develop your skills in using other body parts. Explore and really get into what makes her tick. Giving her pleasure like this may help empower you and remind you of your sexual prowess.
Also, please, please trust your partner unless she's given you a reason to distrust her. Don't worry about her seeking out other men. It can be difficult because you feel impotent and useless right now and you may be asking yourself why she would stay with you, but trust in her to have reason to if she is. She's with you, she's chosen to be with you. You have proven that you are worth being around and I am sure that that extends beyond the bedroom. Everyone can get hung up on aspects of themselves that bring them down.
Thank you for this.
Re: doing other stuff-- she doesn't get off from oral and likes it only as a precursor to intercourse.
Quit it. Sex toys are not a signal that you're a failure and she might as well just get used to diddling herself; they're just there for fun, and to help figure out what works for you, and also to take some pressure off you, especially if she doesn't like oral. Many's the time I've been interested in sex when my husband wasn't at the moment, but changed his mind after I got myself started. He also doesn't feel pressured to get me off if I've already done it beforehand. :P
Also, who says the sex toys are only for her to use all by herself? You could help her out with it if you don't want to actually deal with the anxiety from normal sex. I know there are plenty of couples out there that enjoy that kind of cooperative activity!
I'll echo others; The anxiety itself is now the problem. Conquer that through therapy or counselling or having a heart-to-heart with your GF or whatever, and everything else should follow along fine.
As for the sex toys; Aoi is right they could just be for fun. Pretty much the same reason that men masturbate even when they have a partner. It's just nice.
To re-iterate; Sometimes the human body just isn't up to sex sometimes. This is normal. You are normal. Sort out the anxiety and the rest should be solved.
If you're started taking a new medication recently, check with your doctor to see if that could be the source of the problem. I can't emphasize that last point enough - coming off of medications improperly can be dangerous, so be sure to check with your doctor before you make any changes should this be the case.
On another note, my gf and I use sex toys during our sex all the time. They can be a lot of fun if you're both into it.
I know sexual problems are often very embarrassing and anxiety producing, but try to remember that pretty much everyone deals with them at some point.
To get out of this you need to stop expecting an erection and stop thinking that your girlfriend is impatiently waiting for that. You have to relax and just enjoy the pleasures and feelings shared between you and your partner. "Wether there's an erection or not, I'll just be enjoying this moment of intimacy with my girlfriend!"
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Another suggestion would be to abandon masturbation completely if you haven't already.
Yeah, I'd say ease up on masturbation. You might have what some people call the death grip syndrome, where your sensitivity down there is reduced.
I think "relax" and "stop pressuring yourself" and "enjoy what you're doing together" will end up being most helpful but how to get from point a (what if it happens, what if it happens, oh crap it happened) to point b (not even thinking about it, just enjoying things) is a bit of a mystery to me. Viagra is an intriguing stopgap measure and I'd be curious to see if anyone has had any success/failure/side effects with it, and whether it would create a new problem of feeling dependent on the drug to get aroused if I tried it. Therapy is probably too expensive right now. Conversation is a thing that is happening now and will definitely continue to be happening and will hopefully be more helpful.
The only weird side effect I've heard of is that your vision may go blue-tinted, and it can be permanent. It's pretty rare, as I understand it. Also, the whole 'if your erection won't go away, seek medical attention IMMEDIATELY' warning that they show on the commercials. Also also, the usual ones - don't use unless you're healthy enough to have sex without instigating a heart attack. I've heard from folks that it can reduce your refractory period by a significant amount. That's 'can', not 'will', though.
I've personally never dealt with anxiety like you're going through. And I obviously have no idea what effects alcohol has on you. Which are both ways of saying that I don't know whether this is good advice or horrible advice. But it may be something to try before trying something like Viagra. And if it does help, it may be enough to convince yourself that it really is all in your head which could alleviate some of the anxiety.
You need to get to the bottom of this and find a solution. In the meantime, believe your gf (seriously!) and work with her. She's not thinking about her exes, especially if she still hangs out with you and says, "it's no big." I don't know what your situation is, how long you've been dating, etc., but your gf probably very much wants YOU and cares about you; she's probably thinking about what she can do to spice things up a bit. Some of us like a good challenge. (P.S. You need not worry about toys. They're interactive. She will want you to play with her or she'll want to perform for you. They are toys, after all. Have fun with them, together!)
Yes, the situation can be frustrating, but there are solutions. It might very well be the case that you are tense about something, whether it be work, friends, family, finances... while it could also be something else.
In any case, I suggest that you give yourself a bit more time and experiment with your gf before resorting to a certain medication. From a gf's perspective, I can tell you that Viagra is your better option and that any reliance on alcohol is a dead end. Unless it's some wild night when you're on par with your partner after a few drinks together, nothing is more of a turn-off than a man who has to drink to keep up with you; the one-sidedness of it all is unsexy in itself, while alcohol also often causes one to become altered, tired, and dehydrated, among other things. So, how do you bring sexy back?
If natural remedies do not help, talk to your doctor. Perhaps you should try something like Viagra. It's nothing to be ashamed of, and it does work. Your gf would probably approve of it, much more than any alcohol episode. Best talk to your doctor about what's best for you (and your gf), and soon. Good luck!
Hey CanMan. Apologies. I didn't mean for those words to seem so dramatic. I meant for them to describe the instance of using two drinks, etc., to elicit certain results in the event of having sex, considering the opportunities for sex are reoccurring. I used them quite literally while stating a preference.
[Back to the thread.] In the end, we're all just offering recommendations based on our knowledge or experience. There's no telling how any of these proposed solutions will work for you, but I hope you find one that's both effective and as healthy as possible.
It's fine. I just didn't want it to seem like I was suggesting getting wasted. And if that's what you got from my post, it's possible that's what he'd get from it, too. Getting sloppy drunk and then futilely groping at your girlfriend isn't going to do anyone any good. And believing that you need to rely on alcohol for pretty much anything is a disaster in the making.
But I just thought that maybe something like having a couple glasses of wine together might be enough to loosen the mind up from some of the anxiety. Assuming the cause of the issue is simply performance anxiety and there isn't some underlying issue that created the anxiety in the first place (and he hasn't mentioned anything like that), just being able to enjoy the moment without worrying so much may be useful for confidence building.
In my completely uneducated armchair psychologist point of view, just being able to convince yourself that there isn't anything physically wrong with you, may be enough to take the first step in a positive reinforcement cycle that breaks your current negative reinforcement cycle. But again, there are many caveats (as I stated in my original post) to whether or not this is even in the realm of a possibly good suggestion.