The image size limit has been raised to 1mb! Anything larger than that should be linked to. This is a HARD limit, please do not abuse it.
Our new Indie Games subforum is now open for business in G&T. Go and check it out, you might land a code for a free game. If you're developing an indie game and want to post about it, follow these directions. If you don't, he'll break your legs! Hahaha! Seriously though.
Our rules have been updated and given their own forum. Go and look at them! They are nice, and there may be new ones that you didn't know about! Hooray for rules! Hooray for The System! Hooray for Conforming!

Embarrassing sexual anxiety problem

AlthusserAlthusser Registered User
edited May 2012 in Help / Advice Forum
So the title says it. About two months ago I lost my erection having sex with my girlfriend and the next day I tried again and it went away soon after putting the condom on and could not be resuscitated. Back then it was probably due to getting 3-4 hours of sleep a night but now has evolved into a new kind of problem that exists even with normal sleep/diet/exercise. There have been sporadic successes but mostly failures. It's hard to get hard at all and when I do it's hard to keep it. Thinking about sex now gives me a lot of anxiety about what feels like inevitable disappointment when I lose the boner. My girlfriend has been patient and says it's no big deal and I believe her but I feel so crappy about not being able to have sex with her regularly, and I feel like its planting a seed for our eventual break up which is even more distressing. And the feeling of not being able to please her is causing other anxieties as well, along with paranoid fantasies about her thinking about other guys, comparing myself unfavorably to her ex-boyfriends, this insistent feeling of self-debasement when I think about her buying a new sex toy or something, and increased sensitivity to jealousness, and this feeling that she doesn't find me attractive anymore and this impression that she doesn't want to initiate making out or sex or anything of that because she knows it will end in frustration.

Hopefully someone has dealt with and knows how to bring it back to normal. Ughhhhhhhhhh.

Althusser on

Posts

  • MulletudeMulletude Registered User regular
    Relax. She is being understanding. This is in your head and you are stressing yourself out thinking you are disappointing her.

    In your intimate times with her, don't pressure yourself into thinking you have to perform a certain way. Just have a good time with her and take things slow. There are other things besides intercourse. The less you focus on your perceived shortcomings while you two are together and just enjoy whatever it is you are doing together the better this will end up for you.

    XBL-Dug Danger WiiU-DugDanger Steam-http://steamcommunity.com/id/DugDanger/
  • I needed a gnome to post.I needed a gnome to post. If one day - you have someone that you like Please tell me. Alright?Registered User regular
    Well, first off I will reinforce something you seem to know which is that you're psyching yourself out. You've obviously performed fine in the past and so there's no logical reason you shouldn't be able to still sexually perform - but anxiety often moves beyond logic.

    There's certainly a few things you can do. If necessary you can pursue some form of therapy to deal with anxiety. I'm not an authority to that so I won't speak to it.

    What I would suggest is thinking less about you, and your perceived failings (And I recognize that if it was as easy as just doing that you would have already) and focusing on your partner for a bit. If you have concerns about satisfying her, perhaps investigate alternate methods you can give her pleasure without needing to pop a boner? See this as a great opportunity to develop your skills in using other body parts. Explore and really get into what makes her tick. Giving her pleasure like this may help empower you and remind you of your sexual prowess.

    Also, please, please trust your partner unless she's given you a reason to distrust her. Don't worry about her seeking out other men. It can be difficult because you feel impotent and useless right now and you may be asking yourself why she would stay with you, but trust in her to have reason to if she is. She's with you, she's chosen to be with you. You have proven that you are worth being around and I am sure that that extends beyond the bedroom. Everyone can get hung up on aspects of themselves that bring them down.

  • AlthusserAlthusser Registered User
    Also, please, please trust your partner unless she's given you a reason to distrust her. Don't worry about her seeking out other men. It can be difficult because you feel impotent and useless right now and you may be asking yourself why she would stay with you, but trust in her to have reason to if she is. She's with you, she's chosen to be with you. You have proven that you are worth being around and I am sure that that extends beyond the bedroom. Everyone can get hung up on aspects of themselves that bring them down.

    Thank you for this.

    Re: doing other stuff-- she doesn't get off from oral and likes it only as a precursor to intercourse.

  • Aoi TsukiAoi Tsuki Registered User regular
    Althusser wrote:
    this insistent feeling of self-debasement when I think about her buying a new sex toy or something

    Quit it. Sex toys are not a signal that you're a failure and she might as well just get used to diddling herself; they're just there for fun, and to help figure out what works for you, and also to take some pressure off you, especially if she doesn't like oral. Many's the time I've been interested in sex when my husband wasn't at the moment, but changed his mind after I got myself started. He also doesn't feel pressured to get me off if I've already done it beforehand. :P

    Some people already have said stupid things, but I'm ignoring them because I just found a potato in my fridge that looks like it's smiling.
  • EsseeEssee The pinkest of hair. Victoria, BCRegistered User regular
    Aoi Tsuki wrote: »
    Althusser wrote:
    this insistent feeling of self-debasement when I think about her buying a new sex toy or something

    Quit it. Sex toys are not a signal that you're a failure and she might as well just get used to diddling herself; they're just there for fun, and to help figure out what works for you, and also to take some pressure off you, especially if she doesn't like oral. Many's the time I've been interested in sex when my husband wasn't at the moment, but changed his mind after I got myself started. He also doesn't feel pressured to get me off if I've already done it beforehand. :P

    Also, who says the sex toys are only for her to use all by herself? You could help her out with it if you don't want to actually deal with the anxiety from normal sex. I know there are plenty of couples out there that enjoy that kind of cooperative activity!

  • AlthusserAlthusser Registered User
    Yeah I guess it just doesn't seem like she's including me in all that but I'll try and broach it. I'm totally game and all.

  • EuphoriacEuphoriac Registered User regular
    edited May 2012
    This sort of problem is so common it's insane. Like, ridiculously common because surprise; men aren't unthinking sex machines who never ever have problems performing at a moment's notice, any more than women are frigid 'gate-keepers' who have to be badgered into sex. So don't worry about this; it doesn't define a healthy relationship and you are no less a man now than before.

    I'll echo others; The anxiety itself is now the problem. Conquer that through therapy or counselling or having a heart-to-heart with your GF or whatever, and everything else should follow along fine.

    As for the sex toys; Aoi is right they could just be for fun. Pretty much the same reason that men masturbate even when they have a partner. It's just nice.

    To re-iterate; Sometimes the human body just isn't up to sex sometimes. This is normal. You are normal. Sort out the anxiety and the rest should be solved.

    Euphoriac on
    steam_sig.png
  • E.CoyoteE.Coyote Registered User regular
    Make sure the condoms aren't the type with the sensation dulling lubricant as well. Some of the her pleasure condoms have that stuff coating the inside.

  • kaliyamakaliyama Registered User regular
    edited May 2012
    Viagra is a great option for breaking the anxiety cycle - as long as you are well-rested you can go in worry-free, and if you know you have it as a backup, takes anxiety off going forward too.

    kaliyama on
    fwKS7.png?1
  • DrakeonDrakeon Registered User regular
    Something else that might be contributing, it's called porn induced sexual dysfunction. This is, of course, assuming like most guys, you watch porn somewhat frequently. I had similar problems myself and laying off porn entirely definitely helped me. Here's a TED talk on the same subject.

    PSN: Drakieon XBL: Drakieon Steam: TheDrakeon
  • swoxswox Registered User regular
    I had a somewhat related problem years ago, and I found out that it was a side effect from an antidepressant I was on. It went away when I came off the medication.

    If you're started taking a new medication recently, check with your doctor to see if that could be the source of the problem. I can't emphasize that last point enough - coming off of medications improperly can be dangerous, so be sure to check with your doctor before you make any changes should this be the case.

    On another note, my gf and I use sex toys during our sex all the time. They can be a lot of fun if you're both into it.

    I know sexual problems are often very embarrassing and anxiety producing, but try to remember that pretty much everyone deals with them at some point.

  • FireflashFireflash Montreal, QCRegistered User regular
    It's a mental loop that you get stuck in, and it's happened to me in the past. You erection fails one time for one reason or another and then the next times you're about to have sex you put these pressures on yourself. "Oh god I lost my erection last time, gotta be rock hard, gotta be rock hard" and it's all you can think about which kills your enjoyment of the moment and kills your chance at getting an erection.

    To get out of this you need to stop expecting an erection and stop thinking that your girlfriend is impatiently waiting for that. You have to relax and just enjoy the pleasures and feelings shared between you and your partner. "Wether there's an erection or not, I'll just be enjoying this moment of intimacy with my girlfriend!"

    PSN: PatParadize
    Battle.net: Fireflash#1425
  • spool32spool32 Contrary Library Registered User regular
    Definitely make sure you haven't made any medical or dietary changes - I was rendered impotent from taking Herbalife, and it took almost a month after I stopped the supplements to regain normal function. That was a really upsetting and scary thing to happen! I really understand what you're going through.

    Another suggestion would be to abandon masturbation completely if you haven't already.

  • BartholamueBartholamue Registered User regular
    spool32 wrote: »
    Another suggestion would be to abandon masturbation completely if you haven't already.

    Yeah, I'd say ease up on masturbation. You might have what some people call the death grip syndrome, where your sensitivity down there is reduced.

    Steam- SteveBartz Xbox Live- SteveBartz PSN Name- SteveBartz
  • AlthusserAlthusser Registered User
    edited May 2012
    Just popping in to say I've watched porn maybe two or three times in the past 4 months, and I hardly masturbate once a week these days. I used to do it like 3-6 times a week but the masturbation went down because of the frequent sex I was having with my girlfriend and now it's kind of stayed that way. I'm not on any medications, and this occurred independent of any dietary changes.

    I think "relax" and "stop pressuring yourself" and "enjoy what you're doing together" will end up being most helpful but how to get from point a (what if it happens, what if it happens, oh crap it happened) to point b (not even thinking about it, just enjoying things) is a bit of a mystery to me. Viagra is an intriguing stopgap measure and I'd be curious to see if anyone has had any success/failure/side effects with it, and whether it would create a new problem of feeling dependent on the drug to get aroused if I tried it. Therapy is probably too expensive right now. Conversation is a thing that is happening now and will definitely continue to be happening and will hopefully be more helpful.

    Althusser on
  • RaekreuRaekreu Registered User regular
    Viagra isn't an aphrodisiac, ie, popping one doesn't start a countdown until you suddenly get an erection, regardless of what you're doing. It just makes it such that you'll be able to get and maintain one when you do feel stimulated.

    The only weird side effect I've heard of is that your vision may go blue-tinted, and it can be permanent. It's pretty rare, as I understand it. Also, the whole 'if your erection won't go away, seek medical attention IMMEDIATELY' warning that they show on the commercials. Also also, the usual ones - don't use unless you're healthy enough to have sex without instigating a heart attack. I've heard from folks that it can reduce your refractory period by a significant amount. That's 'can', not 'will', though.

  • TheCanManTheCanMan Registered User regular
    This may seem counter-intuitive, since taking it to excess often leads to the opposite outcome that you're looking for, but (assuming you're of legal age and have no moral objections) you may want to try having a couple drinks beforehand. This is also assuming that you understand your tolerance to alcohol and are capable of moderating your intake properly. The idea is that if you know how to achieve a nice healthy buzz without getting shitfaced, you can get to a point where your inhibitions (and perhaps performance anxiety) are dulled without effecting your physical ability. For instance, personally I know that if I have 2-3 drinks in an hour or two (wine, scotch, gin & tonics, pretty much anything besides beer) I'll be able to perform better. Less than that and it basically has no effect on my usual adequate performance. Any more than that and it starts becoming a hindrance.

    I've personally never dealt with anxiety like you're going through. And I obviously have no idea what effects alcohol has on you. Which are both ways of saying that I don't know whether this is good advice or horrible advice. But it may be something to try before trying something like Viagra. And if it does help, it may be enough to convince yourself that it really is all in your head which could alleviate some of the anxiety.

  • sacreandprofanesacreandprofane Registered User
    edited May 2012
    Hey, Althusser. I can't give you "the male perspective," but here's a woman's perspective:

    You need to get to the bottom of this and find a solution. In the meantime, believe your gf (seriously!) and work with her. She's not thinking about her exes, especially if she still hangs out with you and says, "it's no big." I don't know what your situation is, how long you've been dating, etc., but your gf probably very much wants YOU and cares about you; she's probably thinking about what she can do to spice things up a bit. Some of us like a good challenge. (P.S. You need not worry about toys. They're interactive. She will want you to play with her or she'll want to perform for you. They are toys, after all. Have fun with them, together!)

    Yes, the situation can be frustrating, but there are solutions. It might very well be the case that you are tense about something, whether it be work, friends, family, finances... while it could also be something else.

    In any case, I suggest that you give yourself a bit more time and experiment with your gf before resorting to a certain medication. From a gf's perspective, I can tell you that Viagra is your better option and that any reliance on alcohol is a dead end. Unless it's some wild night when you're on par with your partner after a few drinks together, nothing is more of a turn-off than a man who has to drink to keep up with you; the one-sidedness of it all is unsexy in itself, while alcohol also often causes one to become altered, tired, and dehydrated, among other things. So, how do you bring sexy back?

    If natural remedies do not help, talk to your doctor. Perhaps you should try something like Viagra. It's nothing to be ashamed of, and it does work. Your gf would probably approve of it, much more than any alcohol episode. Best talk to your doctor about what's best for you (and your gf), and soon. Good luck!

    sacreandprofane on
  • TheCanManTheCanMan Registered User regular
    Well, I'd consider calling having two drinks an "alcohol episode" a pretty gross misrepresentation of what I was suggesting. But whatever.

  • sacreandprofanesacreandprofane Registered User
    TheCanMan wrote: »
    Well, I'd consider calling having two drinks an "alcohol episode" a pretty gross misrepresentation of what I was suggesting. But whatever.

    Hey CanMan. Apologies. I didn't mean for those words to seem so dramatic. I meant for them to describe the instance of using two drinks, etc., to elicit certain results in the event of having sex, considering the opportunities for sex are reoccurring. I used them quite literally while stating a preference.

    [Back to the thread.] In the end, we're all just offering recommendations based on our knowledge or experience. There's no telling how any of these proposed solutions will work for you, but I hope you find one that's both effective and as healthy as possible.

  • TheCanManTheCanMan Registered User regular
    TheCanMan wrote: »
    Well, I'd consider calling having two drinks an "alcohol episode" a pretty gross misrepresentation of what I was suggesting. But whatever.

    Hey CanMan. Apologies. I didn't mean for those words to seem so dramatic. I meant for them to describe the instance of using two drinks, etc., to elicit certain results in the event of having sex, considering the opportunities for sex are reoccurring. I used them quite literally while stating a preference.

    [Back to the thread.] In the end, we're all just offering recommendations based on our knowledge or experience. There's no telling how any of these proposed solutions will work for you, but I hope you find one that's both effective and as healthy as possible.

    It's fine. I just didn't want it to seem like I was suggesting getting wasted. And if that's what you got from my post, it's possible that's what he'd get from it, too. Getting sloppy drunk and then futilely groping at your girlfriend isn't going to do anyone any good. And believing that you need to rely on alcohol for pretty much anything is a disaster in the making.

    But I just thought that maybe something like having a couple glasses of wine together might be enough to loosen the mind up from some of the anxiety. Assuming the cause of the issue is simply performance anxiety and there isn't some underlying issue that created the anxiety in the first place (and he hasn't mentioned anything like that), just being able to enjoy the moment without worrying so much may be useful for confidence building.

    In my completely uneducated armchair psychologist point of view, just being able to convince yourself that there isn't anything physically wrong with you, may be enough to take the first step in a positive reinforcement cycle that breaks your current negative reinforcement cycle. But again, there are many caveats (as I stated in my original post) to whether or not this is even in the realm of a possibly good suggestion.

Sign In or Register to comment.